


A Worthy Explanation

by nameless_wanderer



Series: A Worthy Explanation [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, F/F, M/M, Slow Burn, also major character death is Connor bc you know, also theres lots of friendship in this fic, au where evan tells the truth, but idk how warnings on ao3 work so im not chancing it, but not tagging anything bc yet bc i havent decided, but surprisingly a lot stays the same, hella slow burn, its gay and its going to get gayer, just let these lonely kids be friends, kinda sorta there are a few in there but i tried to write them kind of vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 90,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: What if Evan had hadn't lied to Connor's family? How would they have reacted? Would he and Jared have become friends? Would the Connor Project exist? Would he and Zoe have ever dated? Would Evan have ever found peace? Of course, the answer to all of these is "who knows?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan gets called to the office and makes an important choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was done with writing fanfic years ago. Yet here we are. Spoiler alert: this chapter is boring and pretty much copies the scene with Evan, Cynthia, and Larry word for word until the end, so if you've seen it you can skip through quite a bit.

Evan walked through the halls, nervous as usual. Actually probably more nervous than usual, because he was just called to the principal's office and he knew he didn't have an appointment or any other reason to be checked out of school so he must have been called there for something else, and in his experience getting called was a bad thing. He wondered the entire dreadful walk up there what he did to get in this situation. _Maybe they realized there was some sort of computer error and I actually failed all of my classes last year and they're going to hold me back a year. Or they've realized just how messed up I am and are going to send me away for good to a psych ward or something. Or maybe Zoe realized how creepy I've been around her and they're going to suspend me or expel me for acting like a stalker or something._ He saw Alana across the hall, and gave a small wave, which he realized after must've looked pathetic. But she seemed distracted, almost spaced out, like he usually was. When she looked up, she gave a sympathetic, almost sad smile, and continued on to her classroom. _Odd. Why is she looking at me like a bird with a broken wing?_ he thought, somewhat glad for a distraction from his current predicament. He walked up to the door of the principal's office and waited for what felt like an eternity. After a few seconds, he cautiously knocked and walked in.

He was surprised to see a man and a woman—a couple?—sitting down in the office, as if waiting for someone. They looked up as he walked in. A quick glance around the office revealed his principal wasn't there. He knew this should've made him less nervous but somehow this had the opposite effect. After only a second of awkward silence he decided his thoughts were too loud and he needed to say something right now and stop making the couple wait for…whatever they wanted from him. "Good morning," he managed to say amidst the racing thoughts of confusion in his mind. "Um… I—i—" he realized his stuttering now quickly negated whatever elegance he might have displayed before with his quick greeting. "Is Mr. Howard…?" but he wasn't sure how exactly to finish. Obviously Mr. Howard was not there, so what could he say? "S—sorry." He looked around, wondering if the principal was supposed to be there. Or if he was in the wrong place. Maybe he had been called up by mistake. "I'm sorry, um, just—they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal's office—"

The man mercifully cut him off, "Mr. Howard stepped out." He stood up as he said this, causing Evan to back up.

"Oh," was all he could say in response. He started fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He knew it was a bad habit but he couldn't help it.

"We wanted to speak with you in private," the man continued. Evan's heart nearly stopped. _Who are these people and why do they want to speak with me?_ He saw the woman pull out a sheet of paper. "If you'd like to maybe…" The man gestured to the empty chair on the opposite wall. Evan hesitated, but took a seat, taking his backpack and leaning into the chair, away from the mysterious couple. There was something melancholy about their whole appearance, and Evan could feel in his gut that they were about to give him bad news.

"We're, uh…" The man almost sounded choked up. "We're Connor's parents." _What._ Evan's mind was racing. Why would the Murphy's be here, unless…? _Oh no. Oh no. Ohnoohnoohno._

"Oh." Evan shriveled in his seat, and turned his head away. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

Mr. Murphy turned back to his wife. "Why don't you go ahead and—"

"I'm going as fast as I can," Mrs. Murphy responded, voice quivering.

"That's not what I said, is it?" Mr. Murphy countered, defensive. Evan wondered if he was the cause of the palpable tension in the room.

The woman handed Evan a piece of paper. "This is…" she started, unable to finish. He instantly recognized this as the paper that had caused Connor to storm out of the computer lab earlier that week. His letter. Where he talks about Zoe like some creep. And now he knew why he was there. They were going to get him suspended, or maybe expelled, for inappropriate behavior. "Connor, he wanted you to have this." _What._ He looked over the letter again, realizing how hurt he had been that day. He remembered the two interactions he'd had with Connor that day. Connor was right to freak out, seeing his sister mentioned. When he'd told Jared about it earlier Jared had laughed it off, asking if it was some sex thing, and reading it now he almost thought it might be less embarrassing if it were a sex thing.

"We've never heard your name before," Mr. Murphy said. "Connor never…" The two adults seemed at a loss for words, which made Evan all the more confused. _Why do they think Connor wrote this? Why do they think he wanted me to have it? Did Connor tell them about the letter? If he did then why would they be saying these things?_ Evan was getting more nervous by the second. He kept his eyes trained on the paper, as if searching for some hidden meaning not present in the words, or an invisible message hidden in the text. "And then we saw," the man continued. "'Dear Evan Hansen.'"

"He," Evan cleared his throat. He didn't know what they were thinking, what to say. "He gave this to you?" The question came out leaving a sour taste in his mouth, but hoped it would give him some answers.

"We didn't know you two were friends." _What._

"Friends?" Evan replied, looking back at the couple. _What the hell is going on?_

"We didn't think Connor had any friends." Mr. Murphy said. Evan thought back to that day in the computer lab, after Connor signed his cast. _"Now we can both pretend that we have friends."_ He remembered those exact words. He remembered everything about the encounter too clearly. He remembered how it had all gone downhill. He wondered if it could've gone some other way. _Knowing me, probably not._ "And then we see this… this letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were—or Connor, that he thought of you as…" His statements were matter of fact. So why did Evan feel like he was in an interrogation? "I mean it's right there: 'Dear Evan Hansen.' It's addressed to you, he wrote it _to you._ "

Evans eyes widen, beginning to understand. "You think that this, um—You think that Connor…wrote this to _me_?" He still couldn't wrap his head around why they thought Connor wrote the letter.

Mrs. Murphy leaned forward slightly. "These are the words he wanted to share with you." She said.

"His last words." Mr. Murphy added. _What. Wait—WHAT._

"This is what he wanted you to have." Mrs. Murphy continued. But Evan barely heard her.

"Um, I'm sorry, what do you mean last words?" Evan was about to have a panic attack. He had to know what they meant. He had to hear it for himself. _They can't mean…_

The parents looked at each other, uncertain. Connor's mother began tearing up and could only shake her head, turning away from her husband and Evan.

"Connor, uh," Mr. Murphy began. He stopped and took a deep breath. Evan could tell he had prepared this, but still couldn't believe the words as they came out. "Connor took his own life."

Evan didn't know how to react. He had no idea Connor had been in such a bad place. He couldn't be gone. He couldn't be. The silence stung almost as much as the actual news. "He what?" Evan finally managed to croak out.

"And this is all we found with him, he had it folded up in his pocket. And you could see that he was—" Mr. Murphy sped through this information at what seemed like lightning speed. He had said this before, or at least practiced saying this. His wife was growing more agitated by the second. Evan still couldn't believe it. "He was trying to explain why he was…" Evan waited for the end of the sentence but it never came. "'I wish that everything was different, I wish I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered—'"

"Larry please stop it!" Mrs. Murphy finally blurted, unable to hear anymore. Evan had to say something

"Ok, but that's—this is not, um—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Connor, uh—Connor didn't write this." Evan finally managed to say what he should've from the beginning.

"What does that mean?"

"C—Connor—Connor didn't, he didn't write this." He needed to tell them. He couldn't let them believe that his words, his private, lonely thoughts were Connor's.

"What does he mean?"

"He's obviously in shock" Larry replied.

"No, no, NO!" Evan heard his voice get louder "It's just he didn't—He didn't—"

Suddenly Connor's mother started talking, raising her voice, and Evan tried to stop her, tried to escape the situation, grabbing his backpack and standing up. The two were talking past each other, almost shouting at each other in distress. Larry tried to intervene, and the talking just got so loud, and Evan's ears began hurting and he needed to be anywhere but here.

"This is all we have!" Connor's mother finally cried out. She was nearly incomprehensible through her tears. Evan didn't know what to do. Connor's mom—Cynthia, as Larry had said—needed this to be a note. A suicide note. Her son's final words. But Evan couldn't let her believe that if she was just going to find out it was a lie later. But he couldn't be here, he couldn't make that decision now. He begged Cynthia to just take the letter, he needed to leave right away. As he turned to the door she spoke again. "Larry look. His cast." Evan looked down and saw Connor's obnoxiously large signature staring back at him. "His best and most dearest friend."

Evan realized he couldn't leave the situation. He had to make a choice. To comfort the grieving mother or to tell the truth. He struggled with these conflicting thoughts. He had no idea what was the best course of action. But he couldn't see how lying would help anyone in the end. "Mrs. Murphy? I—I'm sorry, but, um, I'm sorry but Connor didn't write this. It-it-it wasn't a note about why he, um, I'm sorry it's a stupid… stupid assignment, I'm sorry." Cynthia tried to interrupt but Evan drowned her out, took a deep breath, and gathered the courage to say what he needed to say. "Connor didn't write this. I did. It was a—a letter to myself. My therapist, um, it was an assignment from my therapist. 'Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why.'" After the rush of words came out he took a deep breath. He couldn't look at Connor's parents. He couldn't imagine what they must think of him.

"But, but that’s not what it says." Cynthia started.

"Why did you mention Zoe in the letter?" Larry questioned, seemingly angry.

"I know, I know, I know, and I'm sorry, I know, and I'll, I'm sorry, I'll explain later but, but I can't be here right now." Evan walked out of the office staring at the ground. He walked to the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirrors. Connor Murphy took his own life. He never expected this when his name was called over the loudspeaker. He wished he had just been expelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh, so that happened. Probably not my best writing bc I was super tired when I wrote this but whatever. Hopefully the next chapters will be more interesting. I do have a general direction I want this to go in but I haven't fully decided on everything that's going to happen so there's a lot of room for changes to be made. Also I'm seriously debating writing AU songs for critical moments with like legit sheet music and stuff but idk. Basically this is me dipping my toe back into the waters of fanfic, a territory I've not legitimately explored in some time, so please let me know what you thought and how to get better at this kind of writing. Yeah also I'm super new to ao3 so if this sucks... yeah. Also i'm still trying to figure out the tagging system etc.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan ignores terrible advice from Jared, Alana is too quick with questions, and Evan is interrogated by Connor's parents.

"Holy _shit_!" Evan had just explained everything to Jared, and this was the exact reaction he had expected from him.

"I just blurted it out. I just, I couldn't—I didn't know what to do."

"Holy. Fucking. Shit."

"They want me to come over, want me to explain."

"What are you going to tell them?!" Jared's reaction seemed panicked, almost as if he was the one who had gotten stuck in this awful situation

"I mean, the truth."

"The truth, really? You're going to go over to the Murphy's house and explain the only thing they have left of their son is some weird sex letter that you wrote to yourself?"

"It's not a sex letter, it's a—an assignment my therapist gave me."

"Uh-huh, so you just happen to mention their daughter in a therapy assignment. How are you going to talk your way out of that one?" God, Jared was annoying when he was right.

"I—I don't know! I don't know, I guess I'll figure something out?"

"Look, do you want to listen to me or do you want to have another meltdown like last year in english, when you were supposed to give that speech about Daisy Buchanan, but instead you just stood there staring at your note cards saying 'um, um, um' over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm?"

"Well what do you suggest I do?" Evan yelled back. The impersonation sent him over the edge. He wasn't going to put up with this shit. He wasn't going to be walked all over. Not today. "Lie and say I was in shock? It's a little late for that."

"I didn’t say lie! Just lead them to ask certain questions, then nod and confirm. Don't blurt out the full truth and don't make shit up. It's foolproof. Literally nothing I tell my parents is true and they have no idea."

Evan said nothing. His mind just kept replaying the day's events. "They were just so sad, his parents. His, his mom was just… I've never seen anyone so sad before."

"Well, good thing you told her the truth about your sex letter. That must've cheered her right up." Evan frowned, but said nothing. Jared was right. The truth, while it might've been simpler for Evan, must've broken Cynthia's heart. He couldn't ever undo that. Could he? No. He told them the truth, trying to backtrack would only hurt them even more.

"I have to…" Evan ended the call, interrupting whatever bad advice Jared had to offer and hanging up on him. He sat down, wondering what to do about the situation. He tried distracting himself with websites that normally only reminded him of how lonely he really was. A twitter thread about Connor from Alana caught his attention and it made him pause.  _Did she know about the news when I saw her in the halls? Is that why she gave me that weird look?_  It was a simple thread about how they maybe had two classes together in the past four years and how people should retweet if they knew Connor or to pm her if they needed to talk. _This is so like her._

Evan had realized long ago that he and Alana were something like… kindred spirits? Behind her peppy smile and fast-paced anecdotes, he sensed a certain loneliness he knew all too well. The difference was where he internalized everything and was unable to talk to anyone, she would to literally anyone who would listen. Surprisingly, neither of their approaches gained them any friends. Evan knew he shouldn't judge, but he always got a weird feeling about Alana. And this post, about someone she didn't even know, just brought out that quality that made her, everything about her seem… fake. But Evan needed advice, or maybe an explanation, or even just someone to talk to, and she was the only other classmate who might have anything useful to say on the subject.

He thought of the best thing to say and rewrote it about ten times in his head. He tried typing, but kept deleting, rewriting and rewording the one sentence greeting. He sighed and deleted it all. This was the reason he didn't enjoy using these sites; he was fine at writing but as soon as it turned to communication he stumbled over his own words, which was completely ridiculous and he realized this. He was going to shut the laptop when he got a notification sound. It was Alana.

> **Alana Beck**
> 
> Hey Evan!
> 
> I didn't know you used twitter.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I don't usually
> 
> Did you need to talk about anything?
> 
> I saw you typing the message but apparently you deleted it.
> 
> Oh
> 
> No
> 
> Well maybe kinda?
> 
> I don't know, it's stupid and I realized I should figure it out on my own.
> 
> Is it about Connor?
> 
> Um
> 
> Maybe a little bit?
> 
> It's hard to explain
> 
> Evan, you don't have to explain anything. It's ok.
> 
> This is a really hard time, and I can't imagine what you're going through
> 
> What do you mean?
> 
> You did a good job of hiding it, but deep down I think I always knew you and Connor were friends
> 
> Um Alana
> 
> Losing a close friend is really hard, but I'm here if you need to talk
> 
> Alana, no you don't understand
> 
> You're right, I don't. I could never understand what you must be feeling, but you don't have to be alone right now
> 
> Alana Connor and I weren't friends.
> 
> Alana? You still there?
> 
> What do you mean? Didn't he sign your cast?
> 
> Yeah, but his exact words were that we could pretend to have a friend.
> 
> He had no intention of actually being friends, and earlier in the day he made it apparent he didn't like me. And immediately after he signed it he started shouting at me and took something of mine
> 
> What? Why?
> 
> It's kind of a long story…
> 
> But wait, you were called to the office just seconds after I heard about Connor's death
> 
> How did you hear about that before the rest of us anyway?
> 
> And I saw the Murphy's in Mr. Howard's office, so why did they talk to you if you weren't friends with Connor?
> 
> Well like I said it’s a long story
> 
> Evan none of this is making any sense.
> 
> Well you're not exactly letting me explain.
> 
> And you haven't answered any of my questions
> 
> I'm sorry Evan, I'm just trying to figure this out.
> 
> Why do you care so much? You weren’t friends with Connor
> 
> I was a close acquaintance
> 
> This tragedy affects all of us.
> 
> Look I've been interrogating you and not letting you get a word in. Do you want to explain what's going on? I meant what I said about wanting to be there for you in these tough times.
> 
> Evan?
> 
> …maybe later. Its just such a long explanation and I don’t know if Im ready to tell the entire thing.
> 
> Can I ask you a question?
> 
> Anything
> 
> So you have to tell somebody something. But the truth hurts their feelings.
> 
> Like it might break their heart
> 
> But lying would've and still might only cause trouble for everyone
> 
> Is it better to lie and save their feelings, or is telling the truth still the way to go, regardless what they think of you and how it makes them feel?
> 
> Gee, that’s a hard one Evan.
> 
> I think being blunt and hurting someone's feelings isn't a good idea
> 
> But lying only causes problems
> 
> I think the best thing to do is tell the truth in a delicate manner.
> 
> I think you did the right thing Evan.
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Or you will. If it hasn't happened yet
> 
> Ok thanks Alana
> 
> If you need to talk or sort anything out, you can always message me
> 
> I'll explain things
> 
> Soon
> 
> Ok. Well don't be a stranger

 

_"Don't be a stranger?" What? What does that mean?_  He shook his head and tried not to dwell on it. He then remembered the task of having to explain why their son had ended up with a letter that Evan wrote addressed to himself. And while he was there they were probably going to have some questions about why Zoe was in the letter in the first place. Perhaps dwelling on Alana's odd manner wasn't such a bad idea.

* * *

 Evan sat awkwardly across from Mr. and Mrs. Murphy in their living room, mirror the positions they had been in Mr. Howard's office. Evan couldn't have imagined a more awkward atmosphere than their meeting. Now he didn't have to. None of them spoke for some time. Cynthia finally broke the silence.

"Please, let me get you some water or something." She stood up as she said this, heading for the kitchen.

"Cynthia…" Larry started. He looked considerably more annoyed than he had in the principal's office.

"He looks lightheaded, Larry, it's the least I can do."

"Um actually Mrs. Murphy I um—I'm fine. Thanks."

Cynthia hesitated, but sat down. Several more moments passed by and not a word was spoken by the three of them.

"Um, I wanted to… I wanted to apologize for that morning. I think what I said probably hurt you and that wasn't my intention but um, I should've thought before I spoke and explained, or should've not told you—"

"Evan," Larry interrupted, "telling us was the best thing you could've done. We would've found out eventually, you… it was hard to hear but we needed to hear it."

"Oh." Evan paused. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say a thousand times, but actually saying those things was much harder. "I'm still sorry for—for how it might've come out. I wanted to um… say how sorry I am for your loss. I um, I can't imagine what you're going through, you and Zoe—" after saying her name Evan realized he hadn't seen her yet. He quickly turned around looking for her before turning back. "Where is she, by the way?"

"She went on a walk. Needed to get some air. We talked earlier and it was… well, she needed to step out." Cynthia said.

"We haven't told her what you told us about the letter yet." Larry said. Evan breathed a small sigh of relief. Mr. Murphy sat slightly taller in his seat, and this small change made him seem almost frightening. "But we are going to tell her tonight. After you explain this letter to us."

"Larry don't interrogate him." Cynthia said. She was still having a hard time even discussing this.

"No I… I really should explain this to you." Evan gulped. He couldn't avoid it any longer. "What do you—What do you want to know?"

The two parents looked at each other. Larry gestured to Cynthia. She pulled the letter out from her bag and looked it over, as if deciding what to ask. She looked up and began the questions. "You said this was a therapy assignment. What was that exactly? And why did you deviate from what you said in the office?"

Evan was slightly glad that they hadn't jumped straight into the part he was dreading the most. He still had time to think of how to explain the contents of the letter. "Um well, I um—My therapist says I tend to fixate on bad things that happen before I allow good things to happen. So I have to—I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself and start it 'Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be a good day and here's why,' and then I'm—I'm supposed to list the good things that are happening, o-o-or could happen that day. But…" He paused. Very few knew just how bad his mental state really was and it seemed so private a thing to talk about. There was also the issue of Connor having pushed him earlier that day. He really didn't want to tell them that. He cleared his throat. "I had a day that wasn't so good. Yeah, um, actually—Actually it was pretty bad um I had some, um… pretty not so good experiences so… I figured it was better to show my therapist how I was actually feeling rather than focus on some false positivity." Evan cut himself off there. He could feel himself rambling and he didn't want to bore them, or contribute to their misery even more than he already had.

"So, tell us," Mr. Murphy said after a moment of silence, "How did Connor come to be in possession of this letter?"

"Well… I was um, I-I was in the… the computer lab after school. Writing this letter. And Connor was there, um, I don't know why but he—he came up to me to…" _apologize for pushing me earlier_ , "ask me a question about some stupid computer thing. Um that's when he um signed my—signed my cast." He gestured to the largest and only signature on his cast.

Cynthia smiled, a small and melancholy one, but it was a smile nonetheless. "That was nice of him."

Evan nodded. "Yeah. But um, he asked about the letter, I didn't realize he had it, I guess he must've grabbed it from the printer. But he saw my name and I told him it was mine, but he started reading it. And he panicked when he saw…" Evan cleared his throat, unwilling to talk about Zoe. "Well, he started um freaking out I guess? And he ran off with the letter and um… that was the first day of school." The other two remained silent. He wasn't exactly sure when Connor had died. He tried to continue carefully, hoping he was treading softly enough to not make things any worse. "I was going to try to get it back but um… I didn't see him later…" He cleared his throat. "I—I'm sorry…"

The three sat in silence as they processed what Evan said. Larry eventually cleared his throat and continued what was starting to feel like an interrogation. "My biggest question now is why did your letter mention Zoe in your letter in the first place?"

Evan had been dreading this question all night, and now that it had arrived he felt completely unprepared. He had no idea how to answer it, and just sat there for a few seconds, thinking back on anything he could say. "Well—"

"Evan, you don't have to answer that," Cynthia started. Evan looked up, confused. "Larry, this has been hard on all of us, and Evan agreed to come here tonight to explain how Connor got the letter, and he's revealed that and far more. He's shared some very personal things and I don't think it's appropriate to keep pressing him and invade his privacy about this letter any more than we already have." Evan could see where Zoe's kindness came from.

"Well I don't think it's appropriate for some boy we don't even know to write about our daughter in a strange letter he wrote to himself, Cynthia." He could now see where Zoe got her dry wit and direct attitude from. As the two adults began arguing in hushed tones, he thought back to the jazz band concert, and to the times he had seen Zoe at lunch. He thought about how after Connor pushed him she came and apologized for him. She had been there when literally nobody else had been there. _Wait. That's it._

"Um actually," Evan interrupted catching the attention of the parents, "it was really a random thing. Um that day I'd had um well it was a bad day as I mentioned. Um there was one really low point where something happened and I just… felt really alone."

Cynthia looked concerned. "What happened Evan?"

Evan shook his head. "It doesn't matter. But when things seemed to be at their worst that day, Zoe came and talked to me, helped me with the thing that happened. She was just so nice and… I just idealized her in that moment as somebody who could maybe um help me I guess." Larry raised one eyebrow, unsure whether to believe him. "Um I suppose that i-if—if for example, um, Alana Beck had seen me and helped in that moment instead of Zoe I would've talked about how all my hopes were pinned on Alana but we didn't really know each other, or-or really anybody. I um… I don't really have many friends. Hence um, the-the-the signature." He couldn't tell if they believed him. He wasn't sure what else to say. He hadn't lied, not entirely. "But um, that's ridiculous and not fair to Zoe, because she can't just magically fix my problems. But at that moment, I, I dunno, I just wondered if I had a friend things would be better, and my mind jumped to her." The three of them just sat like that for some time in silence, pondering over the things that had been discussed. Evan coughed and said "Is there, um, is there anything else you wanted to ask me? Because I should probably be getting home soon."

Cynthia looked up at the clock and hurriedly looked back to Evan. "Of course, Evan, don't let us keep you too long. I'll walk you out." She stood up and gestured for Evan to follow her. Larry followed after the two of them. Cynthia opened the front door, and on the other side was Zoe, keys out and about enter the house. She looked in surprise to see Evan in the doorway.

"Evan? Did my parents force you to answer questions about Connor." Evan gave a meek nod in response. "I didn't know you two were close. The weird thing is the only time I saw you and my brother together was when he shoved you at school last week." Evan's eyes grew wide, but there was nothing he could do. The incident he'd been trying to keep from the grieving couple was out.

"He shoved you?!" Cynthia said, turning to Evan.

"I- I tripped." Evan turned his head to each of the others, trying to signal to Zoe to stop, to no avail.

"I was there, I saw the whole thing! He shoved you. Hard." Evan looked around the three of them but couldn't say anything. He walked around Zoe and she took his place inside, looking back in confusion. Evan walked away from the house quickly as Zoe began recounting the incident to her parents and the door closed. As he approached the end of the block a voice called his name.

"Evan!" Cynthia said. He turned around and slowly walked to meet her. "Thank you for coming tonight. I know telling us all of that couldn't have been easy for you, to reveal such personal details."

"Oh. Well you're welcome. I'm really sorry about… everything."

"I was… I was wondering if you'd want to come over for dinner some time next week."

The question took Evan by surprise. "Um, really? You think Mr. Murphy and Zoe will be ok with that after… everything that I told you?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that Evan. We'd love to have you over one night." Evan looked down at the ground. "Evan, I'd really like to have you over. I know you didn't know each other very well, but I think you and Connor would've gotten along well if you had." She gave that small sad smile again. "So quiet for all those big thoughts, so lonely." She cleared her throat. "If you're feeling alone, you can always come to our house. I just…" she choked up. "I don't want what happened to Connor happening to anyone else. So," she cleared her throat, "if you need some place to go or someone to talk to, come here. Ok?"

Evan was shocked at how nice she was being. "Ok," was all he could say. He walked home, bewildered and still wondering what the hell just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow how did this get so long? Also how did I write this in one day? Well anyway don't expect some kind of regular update schedule lol. I hope the text formatting made any kind of sense, I could probably distinguish it but I don't know the extent of ao3's html capabilities. Also there's like a huge possibility that I haven't noticed a huge grammatical/story/writing error so please let me know if something weird stands out to you. Thanks for the kudos and the comments, I really appreciate all of it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared gives more unhelpful advice and Evan has a conversation with Zoe.

Word of Connor's death spread all around the school. A lot of people who didn't even know Connor seemed sad about the news. Some chuckled at jokes made in poor taste about the teen. But the overwhelming atmosphere of the students was one of neutrality, or disinterest. They didn't know him, why should they care? All of it made Evan sick. He didn't know how to feel about the news, but he felt that most of the reactions had been inappropriate. Now his life was permanently tied to Connor's death, which made his stomach hurt even more. The only thing he could do was continue with school and hope the bad feelings went away. He stared into his locker, lost in these thoughts, wondering how to best carry on and wishing the whole thing would be over.

A voice grounded him back in the present. He thought he heard his name, but when he looked around he didn't see anybody looking for him. He sighed, took out his lunch, and closed his locker, revealing Jared had been standing behind the locker door.

"Hello? Earth to Evan Hansen?" Jared knocked his fist on Evan's head a couple of times before Evan pushed it away. "So, what happened with the Murphy's?"

Evan eyed Jared with confusion. "I thought you didn't care."

"Where there's gossip and high school drama bullshit, Jared Kleinman is there. Did you take my advice?"

Evan gave him an incredulous look. "Jared, that advice only would've made sense if I'd—if I'd lied in the first place. A-and it was terrible advice."

"Did I just get insulted by Evan Hansen?" He almost looked impressed. Then the almost-grin contorted into a frown of concern. "Wait so you didn't take my advice? What the hell did you tell them?"

"The truth! Like I said I would." Evan was becoming exasperated. He didn't want to talk about this here or now.

"So how did they react to the news that you've had such a huge crush on Zoe that you put her in a weird sex letter you wrote to yourself?"

Evan paused. "…w-well I didn't mention the crush thing…" Jared started to ask another question but Evan cut him off. "I figured it out. Don't—Don't worry about it. She wasn't even there."

Jared's jaw dropped practically to the floor. "What are you going to say when she comes back to school and confronts you about it?"

"I doubt she'll confront me about it." He ignored Jared's smug look of disbelief. "And she doesn't come back to school for a while so I'll have time to—"

From somewhere far behind him Evan heard Alana say, "Hey Zoe!" He snapped his neck over his shoulder and saw her at the end of the hall. "Here's the work from Mrs. Osborne's class."

"What was that you were saying about having time?" Jared said, practically laughing at Evan. "You're fucked, dude."

He turned back to Jared. "I was never here." Before Jared could impart whatever ill-thought advice, Evan sprinted down the hall and around the corner, slowing and catching his breath. He could just make out Alana directing Zoe to Jared.

A few seconds later he could hear Jared saying in an exaggerated voice, "Oh hi Zoe Murphy!" Evan knew he had maybe five seconds before Jared told Zoe where he had gone, and knew he wouldn't be able to make it to the end of the hall in time. He looked around for some way out of this horrible situation. The obvious solution was not the most pleasant one: the C-hall restrooms. Was hiding from Zoe really worth stepping into the awful odorous room, that bog of eternal stench? Jared's voice echoed down the nearly empty hall, "You just missed him." The bell rang, and the remaining students walked towards the cafeteria. He decided it was worth it, and dashed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and muffling the sound of Zoe's footsteps.

He breathed a sigh of relief, then quickly held his breath. _Ugh, my clothes are going to smell bad for a week._ The C-hall restrooms were notorious for their terrible smell, no matter how much (or how little) money the school put into cleaning them. He glanced at a mirror, and started running water from one of the sinks. He decided against washing his hands once he saw the water coming from the tap. The water wasn't dirty, but Evan didn't trust something about it. Still, anything was better than having to face Zoe right now.

"Evan?" The voice outside the bathroom made him jump. _Of course she saw you run in here, what were you thinking?_ He didn't say anything. It was silent for a while. _Ok, calm down. Maybe she didn't see me._ "Evan, I know you're in there." _Shit._ He didn't dare breathe, but he realized the water must've given away his presence. He didn't dare turn it off now, as that would only confirm he was ignoring her. "Evan, if you don't come out here I'm going to send Jared in." Evan eyed the stalls. If he stood on the seat of the toilet he could probably fool Jared for a few seconds. Might be enough to buy him time. The stench would be worse but Evan was desperate and willing to do anything. As he walked slowly to the stall he heard "Or I'll just come in myself." _Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Not worth it._ He quickly ran his hands under the water, and quickly realized there were no paper towels. _Great._ He shut the water off and practically threw the door open.

"Sorry, I um…" Zoe was waiting just outside the restroom. Jared stood a few feet back, a huge condescending grin on his face. "I uh, I was just washing my hands because um sometimes you know my hands get dirty before lunch and so they just get dirt and germs on my food so um that’s what I was um—I was washing my hands so um… yeah." Jared burst into laughter and Evans face turned red.

"You sure you weren't hiding from me?" Zoe said, eyebrow raised. Her statement wasn't accusatory, just curious.

"No, no, no." _Shit._ "Why would I um," Evan cleared his throat, "why would I hide from you?"

"Ok. Listen, I was hoping we could talk about this." She pulled out the note Evan knew all too well at this point. His eyes dropped to his hands, already fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Jared let out an audible chuckle behind Zoe. "Preferable alone," she said, turning around to shoot Jared a look.

"Oh right. I hear you. Loud and clear. I expect to hear the rest of your story eventually, Evan." Jared said. He laughed as he walked around the corner towards the cafeteria. _Of course Jared would do this. He doesn't care about me, he just finds these issues with Murphy's funny to watch. He's laughing at my expense. I should get better family friends._ Evan didn't look up at Zoe.

"Maybe we can go somewhere less…open. I think the practice rooms are unlocked." Evan nodded wordlessly. His mind raced, trying to figure out what to say as he followed her through the halls, to the band room and to the practice rooms. He sat on a chair in the corner and stared at the floor. He was going to have to go through this interrogation. And now he was going to have to lie to Zoe. His heart was racing. "Well… well for starters, Connor didn't write this note?" Evan shook his head. "So you wrote this note? To yourself?"

Evan gave a slight nod. "Um… it's um a therapy… assignment…" he started messing with the hem again. "I um… I-I told your parents all of this."

"Well they didn't explain it very well and I'm just trying to fill in the blanks." Evan didn't want to lie to anyone, least of all Zoe. But he couldn't tell the truth. Could he? "Why was that your assignment?"

"Well, um… it wasn't. Not exactly… um I have to—have to write a letter each day. 'Dear Evan Hansen today is gonna be a good day and here's why.' But um, that wasn't a good day. You know it was pretty, pretty not good." He cleared his throat.

"So I think the next obvious question is why the hell did you name me in your therapy letter?"

Evan stayed silent. He did everything in his power to slow his breathing and went through what he was going to say in his mind. "You were there that day at my lowest point. I just…I needed a friend. I thought maybe you could be that person. I-I dunno it was stupid and not cool of me. I'm… I'm sorry."

"That's it? Why were all of your hopes pinned on me? Why not Jared or Alana or…" Evan's breathing started getting faster. He started looking around the room, panicked and murmured sentences that would never be finished. He tried to stand and had to steady himself with the chair. "Evan? Evan! Stay with me." She put her hand on his shoulder and had him breath in and out slowly. "Look, I'm just…I'm trying to figure this out. If there's anything else you think I should know or you want to tell me." She gave a small sympathetic smile, and walked towards the door.

"Zoe?" She stopped where she was. "That's not true. What I said about—Well I mean its kinda true but um, that's not why I—That's not why you're in there." Evan sighed. He had decided that lying wasn't going to help. "I um, I had… Have… I have um a little… big crush on you." He looked at the floor. He expected her to just walk out. She probably thought he was weird or creepy or something.

"Did you ask me to sign your cast? That morning I mean."

"Um. Kinda, not really I mean…"

"Do you still have a sharpie?"

Evan looked back in surprise. He produced a sharpie from his pocket. "I don't think Connor left you much room but uh…" She wrote a small signature between two of Connor's large letters.

"Why did Connor sign your cast anyway?" Evan could tell she didn't think too highly of Connor.

"Oh, I think it was to apologize. Maybe? Kinda. Yeah. Um, he said—He said we could pretend to have friends."

"Oh." She looked perplexed, trying to find some hidden meaning in her brother's seemingly kind action. "Evan, thanks for telling me all of this. I mean, that couldn't be easy to do." Evan looked up, confused. "I know this might not be what you want to hear but I think we could be friends. I mean, if we actually talked. Maybe help each other out. Don't be a stranger." She walked out of the practice room, leaving Evan still wondering what the hell just happened. _Don't be a stranger? What the hell does that mean? Where have I heard that recently?_ He walked out of the practice room and it dawned on him. He needed to talk to Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol that sucked is Zoe even in character? anyway yeah I'm trying to lead the story in certain ways that deviate from the story while keeping the overall structure or the story and im not making sense lol. Thanks for all the comments and kudos, I love hearing your thoughts on this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan resolves to cut negativity out of his life, which fails quite unsurprisingly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Don't expect regular updates.  
> Also me: *Writes a chapter almost daily*

Evan woke with a start. He sat up on his bed and groaned. Some anxiety ridden dream had woken him, leaving him scrambling for the details of it as it faded from his mind. He yawned and stretched his arms. _What time is it?_ His checked his alarm clock, revealing the time to be 6:30. Looking outside he saw the sun setting, and remembered he had taken a nap when he returned home from school. Combined with the fact that he hadn't actually gotten to eat lunch and the general lack of sleep, the stress and confusion from the past few days had been too much for him. He heard that naps can be refreshing and energizing, but this one made him feel worse than he had when he'd first gotten home.

"Please don't let this be a regular thing," he grumbled to himself. He got up and grabbed his backpack, looking over all of the assignments he still had to do that night. He groaned, and dropped his backpack on the floor. He sat on his bed for several minutes before realizing he should probably do…something. Literally anything. He grabbed his phone from off the bedside table, mentally trying to figure out what game he was going to use to procrastinate this time, but became intrigued when he saw he had several notifications on his phone and various social media websites. _Odd._

The first notification he saw was a missed call and voicemail from his mom. Listening to it confirmed it to be of typical "coming home late" variety. He sighed, unsurprised and tried to remember if they had any food in the house or if he had to order food again. He tried explaining why each interaction with every delivery person was terrifying for him and why he desperately wanted to never order food in but he knew his ramblings never made sense. He checked his texts, expecting the notification to just be a duplicate text from his mom, confirming she was going to be late. But it wasn't.

> **958-555-0187**
> 
> Hey Evan, it's Zoe. Alana gave me your number, hope that’s alright. Really I might just use you as an excuse or someone to bother when my I don't want to deal with my parents :/ But I figured it would be good to give you my number if you ever needed to talk about anything. c:

_What. Wait, how does Alana have my number? I should really have a conversation with her about giving it out so cavalierly._ Evan was unsure how to feel about this, coming less than twelve hours after he admitted to having a crush on her. But he supposed that a friend was a friend, even if that friend was an almost ethereal girl he'd been obsessing over for years. _Don't even think about texting back. Too much anxiety. If she asks if it’s the right number, confirm. Just, don't engage for now._ He checked twitter next, seeing he was tagged in something. Everything started to make more sense when he saw Alana had created the offending tweet, talking about Connor and the experiences she had had with different students, including Evan, Zoe and a bunch of others he didn't even know. _I gotta talk with her about tagging me, letting others see my username. And giving my phone number out without letting me know. And just ask her about…everything._ The Alana thing was big, and he knew it. He had a lot of things he needed to ask her, but he just… couldn't. Not at the moment. He was tired and just needed to be doing nothing. _Or something. But not like_ something _something. Like a nothing something._

 _God even my thoughts make no sense._ There was just one more app with notifications, the facebook messenger one which he never used. He was confused to see he had only been messaged a few minutes ago. He was even more confused when he saw who had messaged him.

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> u never actually told me what happened at lunch, so i can only assume it was pretty bad
> 
> like im guessing actual explosions.
> 
> ok maybe thats hyperbolic
> 
> but i would bet that there was some slapping involved
> 
> or at least strong words
> 
> maybe a restraining order
> 
> evan gimme the deets
> 
> the hot goss
> 
> dude tell me what happened
> 
> dont leave me hanging
> 
> ok srsly evan message me back
> 
> if u dont message me back right now im literally going over to ur house just to see ur face as u go into agonizing detail abt just how bad it was

Somehow he wanted to message Jared even less than he wanted to message Alana. _Ugh, why is Jared so invested in my humiliation? He literally said he wanted nothing to do with me on the first day of school. Then something so sad and pathetic happens that it becomes drama and suddenly he wants to know everything?_ Evan came up with a short list of goals: do everything possible for the Murphy's, confront Alana, talk to Zoe literally even once more, and avoid Jared as much as possible. That last goal might be a little difficult, as Jared was the closest thing he had to a friend the one of the only people he actually talked to at school. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed people to talk to, and Jared was really the only one who was even kinda sorta there. But for his sanity, he had to cut Jared out of his life.

Just then the doorbell rang. Evan looked up, snapped out of his thoughts by the ringing. He wondered if maybe his mom was expecting a package. She hadn't mentioned anything. He tried to remember if he had ordered dinner, but realized the likelihood of that was quite low given he had just woken up. He decided to err on the side of caution and just hope it was an accident, or maybe if it was a package they would just leave it at the door. But the doorbell rang again. Then a third time. Evan stood up, walking out of his room and towards the front door as the bell ringing became quicker and more consistent. _Who the hell actually rings the doorbell over and over? That's just a dick move._ He opened the door to reveal—

"Jared?" _What._

"Jesus, Evan, you look like shit." He stood there, just as cocky as when he had led Zoe to Evan earlier in the day.

"Nice to see you too?" Jared had an expectant look on his face, and was holding… something in his hand. He pushed past Evan without an invitation. "Um Jared? N-no offense but like, what are you—what the hell are you doing here?"

"An insult and a curse word in one day! Evan you are on fire! Where's your kitchen again?" Evan closed the door and followed Jared inside, beginning to get annoyed. "Never mind, found it." Evan heard some noise come from the kitchen and heard a beeping. _The microwave? What?_

"That doesn't answer my question." Evan said, walking into the kitchen. Sure enough, the microwave was on and Jared was walking back towards Evan. "What are you making?"

"Don't worry about it. And I'm here because you didn't respond to my messages." _What._ "I told you if you didn't respond I was going to come to your house to hear you tell me what happened in person. I got no response, thus I am here."

"Yeah, I was sleeping. I literally only just woke up. Why did you—" Evan stopped, sensing a new odor in the air. "Are you popping popcorn?"

"You can't expect me to hear this high school drama bullshit without some snackage." Evan stared at him, incredulous. "Yeah I was going to ask if you had any popcorn, but even if you did I run the risk of it being regular boring butter, or worse, a fat free flavor."

"Unbelievable."

"What can I say? I gotta have my kettle corn." The smirk on Jared's face made Evan want to punch him

Evan scoffed, not fully believing the situation in front of him. "Well I hope you're having fun—"

"Most definitely."

"Because—because  ever since I wrote that note my life has been filled with my worst anxieties. And I-I-I can't even—"

The microwave beeped. Jared walked over and grabbed the bag. He opened it, filling the room with the sweet aroma of the approximated kettle corn flavoring. "I'm sorry, that interrupted you. What were you saying?"

"Jared I'm not gonna tell you what happened."

"What? But I came all this way over here."

"I didn't ask you to. I'm not in the mood for this. You know, you should just… you should just…" Evan let out a noise of frustration.

"Evan Hansen. Too nice to even kick me out of his own home."

Evan put his good hand on the counter. "I'm not telling you what happened."

"Come on, I only know what happened when Zoe had to literally coax you out of the bathroom."

"You didn’t even want to get involved with this to begin with. When I told you Connor stole the letter you asked me why I was talking to you about it, and you laughed when I said you were my only friend."

"Only _family_ friend." Jared corrected him.

"What difference does it make?!" Evan raised his voice, but hearing it reverberate he thought he had gone too far. Lowering his voice, he continued with the same intent. "You never cared about this, you never cared about… about…" He sighed, unable to finish the sentence.

"Well, I'm in the middle of it now. I do care about… this. And I want to know what's going on with it. What's going on with…" Jared cleared his throat. His expression softened, and his voice lowered, becoming deeper. "Evan, I don't have any more school work and my parents aren't going to be home for hours. I've got nothing else to do, and I don't want to be in my house all by…" Jared trailed off.

Evan cursed the fact that he couldn't kick Jared out earlier. "I mean, my mom won't be home until late so I guess it's fine if you stay." He turned and started walking a few paces from Jared "I'm just kinda… tired…" Evan swayed and nearly tripped as he said this, balancing himself on the counter with his good hand.

"Whoa, Evan." Jared rushed to Evan, trying to help steady him. His voice became concerned, "Did you eat dinner?"

"No, I slept pretty much the second I got home. I mean my mom left money to get something delivered…"

"Wait, you never showed up to lunch… when was the last time you ate anything?"

Evan thought about it and realized he hadn't eaten much recently. "…I think I had a handful of cereal before I left for school this morning."

"Ok, we're getting you food. Pizza good?" Jared had pulled out his phone and was already on some pizza app.

"Yeah sure."

"What kind?"

"…Just cheese." He paused, unable to process the sudden switch that had taken place in the conversation. He didn't want to be criticized for his pizza choice, so he quickly followed with, "What toppings do you like?" Evan immediately regretted asking the question, as he was almost certain Jared would make some inappropriate joke, probably about "sausage" or something.

But to Evan's surprise, Jared just said "Yeah, cheese is good for me too. Alright, and done. Pizza will be here in about half an hour. For now, let's just sit down, have some popcorn. It's not real food but it should settle your stomach a little bit. And we can watch TV. I have a Netflix account—well, really it's my parents but, well you get it. Sound good?"

"Yeah… Yeah…" As Jared led them to the couch, Evan wondered to himself for what must've been the billionth time since school began what the hell was going on and how the hell he ended up in his current situation.

* * *

 "Alright, pizza's here." Jared said, bringing the food to the couch.

"Thanks for getting it."

"Yeah, something tells me you aren't too fond of delivery guys."

"Y-yeah because you have to interact with them, and then talk to them, and tip them and—"

"Evan, just eat the pizza."

The two sat in silence, eating the warm, greasy meal in front of them and letting some sitcom continue on the TV in front of them. Evan let out a few sounds of satisfaction, making Jared laugh. "I bet anything tastes really good after not having eaten anything all day. You really gotta take better care of yourself, Hansen."

Evan swallowed a bite and replied, "To be fair, it wasn't my fault I didn't eat lunch. The Zoe thing took up most of my lunch period."

"Ah." Jared replied. He turned away, looking at the sitcom and chuckled at some of the cheesy jokes that were being told.

"Jared, why did you tell Zoe where I was?" Evan blurted. Jared turned his head quickly, giving Evan his first non-smile of the evening. "I just…I thought I-I-I made it clear I didn't want you to say anything and… and I dunno I just…"

Jared shrugged. "You were talking to me about all of that truth shit, I guess I was inspired. Or whatever." Jared munched on his slice for a few seconds. "In hindsight, that might've been a dick move."

"Yeah. Yeah it kinda—it kinda was." Evan replied. It wasn't exactly an apology, but Evan figured it was the closest he was going to get to one. He shouldn't dwell on it, he should move on. But… "If you knew it was a… a bad move why did you do it anyway?" Jared shrugged again. Evan tried to read his face for some inkling of an explanation, but resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't going to get one.

"So what happened with that?" Jared asked. He was prying. He wanted to know the story he had initially wanted nothing to do with. It annoyed Evan. But he needed someone to talk to. And Jared was the only person who was kinda sorta there. No, he was the only one who was there.

"Darn it, I'm going to tell you, aren't I?" Evan said, mentally kicking himself.

"Evan, I know you're annoyed, but let's watch the fucking language, shall we?" Evan laughed at this comment. Like, an honest to god laugh.

Evan composed himself then began his recounting. "She didn't want to talk about this in the hallway where anybody could see us, so she took me to a practice room."

"Alone in a practice room? I like where this is going." Jared said. Though he made no crude gestures, Evan just sensed Jared's presence and the whole comment as…crude.

"No, no, no, no, no," Evan said quickly, "I mean, I mean come on, it's me. It's me, why would I," he cleared his throat, suddenly very uncomfortable. "well this is a whole other conversation I don't want to be having with you ever. But she asked me questions about the letter and well…I told her the truth."

"You told her you mentioned her in a weird sex letter because you have a crush on her?"

Evan sighed. Jared must have realized how annoyed referring to the letter as… that made him. _Which is exactly why he's doing it, Evan. He's trying to get a rise out of you. Just… ignore it._ "Well, no I told her what I told her parents. Which isn't exactly untrue either."

"Uh-huh. And what was it that you told them again?"

"That Zoe was there for me at a low moment. You know, when Connor shoved me."

"Wait, Connor shoved you?" Jared asked, turning

"Yeah. That first day. He thought I was laughing at him. I fell. And Zoe came up and apologized. And I thought things would be better in that moment if we were friends and I actually talked to her."

"Wow. So that’s what you told her?"

"Yeah. But-but she… she didn't buy it. So you know naturally I started breathing heavier almost had an anxiety attack, and she was about to leave—"

"Hold the fucking phone. You had an anxiety attack?" Jared's look was of morbid curiosity. Evan just nodded slightly. _Oh god what's he going to say?_ Jared let out a small chuckle but cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, except well… that’s such a you thing. You're finally having a conversation with Zoe Murphy and she sends you spiraling into a fucking anxiety attack. It's just…" he snorted, "it's tragic."

Suddenly, Evan started chuckling too. "Yeah, I guess it is almost funny." He laughed a bit. "That is something that would only happen to me, right?" The two shared a few awkward laughs, drowning out whatever dialogue was playing on the TV. As they calmed down Evan continued. "But she was about to leave and I just…I don't know. I couldn't be dishonest anymore. I told her."

"…Shit dude. What did she say?"

Evan shrugged. "Not much. She didn't exactly say she didn't like me back, but she said we could be friends so…" Evan shrugged again. "But she signed my cast." He held up his arm, showing off the small signature between Connor's huge lettering.

"Dammit. I will not be one upped by Zoe Murphy. Where's a sharpie?" Evan pointed to the kitchen counter, and Jared ran to grab it. He wrote two letters above Connor's name and two letters below, using the "r" to complete his name in a vertical, almost crossword fashion. _Why are people just now interested in signing my cast?_ "But, um, I'm sorry man. That really sucks. I mean at least she didn't hate you for it or think you were creepy. But yeah, that kinda really sucks."

Evan looked at the TV, saying nothing for a few seconds. "It just—it just sucks because—because I had planned this whole thing and…and it never turned out as I had planned. And I mean it probably never would've anyway but…now I know it never will."

"I guess I'm to blame for that." Jared admitted. Evan was starting to feel uncomfortable with just how…real Jared was sounding.

"I mean I thought the friendship thing was a hollow offer but um she texted me this afternoon."

"Wait really? Let me see." Jared sounded almost excited, and Evan hurried to show him the text he had received from her. "Wait how does Alana have your number?" Evan shrugged. Just another thing that perplexed him. "Maybe you're not ess-oh-ell after all, Hansen." When Evan gave him a confused look Jared clarified, "shit out of luck? It's a common acronym, come on. But seriously I think these texts mean there's at least a chance in the future. I mean, if she didn't at least kind of like you she wouldn't have texted, right? You just gotta figure out your game plane."

Evan blinked. "I mean, m-maybe I guess. I'm just… I'm exhausted. All of this is exhausting and I can't…I can't focus too much on this I just gotta focus on surviving. Does that… Does that make sense?"

Jared stared at him, giving a serious sympathetic look. "You know, I know that all of this really sucks right now, but I really believe some day we're going to look back and laugh at it." Jared intended it to be reassuring, and Evan knew this, but he just furrowed his eyebrows, frowned and shook his head. Jared's eyebrows raised, confused. "What did I say?"

"Jared, my life is sad and pathetic. Not something I ever want to look at with humor. A therapy letter I wrote was mistaken for the final words of a boy who killed himself. I only have one person I would even barely consider a friend, and no offense to him but he's kind of a huge jerk to me," Jared let out a small chuckle at this, "Jared, my life is just…" He didn't know how to explain it. Then he looked down at his broken arm. "I broke my arm, and was lying on the ground for twenty minutes in agonizing pain because no one came to get me. No one was there for me. I was alone and most of the time I feel like I…like I still am."

Jared cleared his throat. "I guess that is… sad and pathetic."

Evan let out a knowing sigh, looking away. "And that's not even the worst part of what happened."

Jared looked over, concerned. "What's the worst part?" Evan kept his eyes trained on the screen, on whatever stupid subplot was happening in this show. "Evan what's the worst part?" _He's never sounded this serious before. But… I can't tell him this. I just, I don't believe he really cares._

Evan shook his head. "No. Not tonight. Maybe never. Maybe that's the secret I take to my grave." He could feel Jared's concerned eyes still trained on him. "Trust me," he said turning to him, "you don't want to know." He grabbed another slice of pizza and turned back to the sitcom. A few seconds later, he saw Jared do the same in his periphery. They watched the show, ate pizza, and Jared helped Evan with some of his homework. They talked as the evening wore on, and Evan was surprised that it didn't totally suck. He was surprised that he almost was having fun with Jared.

Jared looked over some hours later and realized Evan had fallen asleep. He opened a closet, grabbed a blanket, and threw it haphazardly on the teen. He cleaned up what little remained of the pizza, threw away the popcorn bag, texted his parents, and scribbled a short note to Heidi. He couldn't bear to leave Evan like this, but didn't want to wake him. He turned off the lights, muted the TV, and sat on the opposite end of the couch, watching Evan's chest rise and fall until eventually he fell asleep too.

That night, Evan's dreams took an unexpected turn. In his dream, he was having a panic attack because why wouldn't he have one? But instead of suffering through it or waking up from it like usual, several figures appeared, most just standing there, but two walked up to him.

The first figure was Zoe. She put her hand on his shoulder and said, "you're going to be ok." She then gave him that smile she gave while performing sometimes. Just kind of subtle and perfect and… real.

The second figure was Jared. He kneeled down next to Evan, just being there to reassure him. The dream Jared only spoke five words. "I'm here. You're not alone." Evan began crying, and hoped with all his might that he would remember this dream, this feeling, when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter may actually be almost good. By now it may be clear what kind of direction I'm going in (overall anyways) but I don't want to tag it yet in case something changes. Thanks for all the positive responses, I'm glad you like it (and if you didn't like it please let me know how I can improve my writing in the future). Hopefully things will start to get a bit more interesting from here on out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan fears what comes next.

Evan slowly started waking, feeling relaxed and happy, a nice contrast from the previous nights that made him feel tired and anxious. But he had been slightly disoriented, as the ambient morning sounds from his mother getting ready seemed much louder today, and he did not seem to be in his bed. He slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to his unusual surroundings. He realized several things: 1. He had woken up about ten minutes before his alarm usually woke him ( _Figures_ ), 2. He had fallen asleep on the couch, 3. Jared hadn't gone home last night, 4. His head was resting on Jared's shoulder. His eyes opened wider, realizing the situation he was in. He quickly but carefully removed the blanket that was covering him, moving the other half onto Jared, praying he wouldn't wake the sleeping boy. He realized he had never changed out of yesterday's clothes. Avoiding the noisy floorboards in the still morning, he tiptoed away from the couch and silently walked towards the bathroom. He desperately needed a shower. He only got about halfway there before he ran into his mother.

"Good morning, Evan." She said, smiling at him. Evan quickly put a finger to his lips, and indicated that Jared was still sleeping. Heidi nodded with understanding, continuing in hushed tones. "I didn't know Jared was spending the night. You should've told me." She wasn't scolding, and in fact her tone was quite excited.

Evan shrugged, whispering, "Yeah, I didn't know either. He just kinda showed up. And the evening became night and I guess we fell asleep. I don't quite remember everything that happened, I was really tired." He gave an apologetic half smile. "It probably won't happen again, but I'll let you know if anything like this does."

"Well he left the nicest note explaining. And Jared is always welcome here. You know that I was just thinking the other day—"

"Mom, it's… its' not that I'm not interested but I literally just woke up and I need to shower."

"Oh, of course honey. We can talk more when you're fully woken up." She affectionately patted his shoulder. He smiled at her then continued to the bathroom. He felt bad about not telling her, but in his defense he hadn't realized that he would fall asleep. And he never would've guessed Jared would stay over.

Upon entering the bathroom, he turned on the light, quickly decided he didn't need it to be that bright, turned it off again, and locked the door. He turned the water on, distracted by memories of the previous night. He really wasn't himself last night. _Not that I know what "myself" is like anymore. Just getting wrapped up in loneliness and self pity and now high school drama._ He ran his fingers under the water, checking to make sure it was warm enough, then took off his clothes and got in. However, once in, he spent a few good minutes just running through the events last night in his head. _At this point it's almost redundant to ask what the hell happened, because I never know anymore. I mean, why was Jared acting like that? Did I catch him in a weird mood? Was that him opening up to me last night or was that some weird behavioral thing? Am I still just letting him walk over me and take advantage of my feelings and my loneliness? Like, was he making fun of me with all that Zoe stuff last night, or does he really think there's something there. And what about Zoe? She reads what has to be one of the creepiest things she can find written about herself and she wants to be friends? She even talked to Alana to get my number. And Alana. Why is she so invested in this Connor thing? How did she know before all of us? Why are she and Zoe so close recently? Am I just overanalyzing everything?_

A slight but sudden change in the water pressure snapped him out of his thoughts, and he quickly began scrubbing his body. As he began lathering shampoo on his head, he could only draw one conclusion. _The answer to that last question is "yes."_

* * *

 Staring at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, he remembered another thing. His dream. As he remembered the dream he felt an unfamiliar warmth of belonging wash over him. Tried as he might to keep a straight face, he gave a small grin in the mirror.

A banging on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Evan I need to shower." Jared sounded groggy, groggier than he had been yesterday afternoon.

"One sec," he attempted to say through a mouth full of toothpaste. He spit it out, rinsed his brush and his mouth and unlocked the door. Jared stood in the doorway, eyelids only half open, mouth agape in a yawn. He was definitely not a morning person. " 's all yours." He walked outside into the hallway and out of Jared's way. He only got a few steps when Jared called him.

"Hansen, you really use pine scented soap?" Jared yelled this, as though this were a deep and horrible offense Evan had committed.

"I-I like trees." Evan replied.

"Surprisingly absolutely no one. I wish you at least some kind of neutral scent. Like, soap-scented soap. Had I known I would've brought literally any other kind of soap from my house." The water turned on, drowning out most of what the boy was saying, though Evan could still hear him mumbling, "Guess I'll have to go around smelling like I fucked a tree today." It might've been something that Jared said, or it might've been that Evan was more lucid, but he suddenly realized something neither boy had thought about in their tired haze as Jared entered the bathroom. _Jared didn't plan on sleeping over. Which means he doesn't have a change of clean clothes. Oh no._

Evan rushed to the kitchen, where his mother was pouring herself another cup of coffee. "There you are Evan. We need to talk about you having people over—"

"And we will," Evan cut her off, "but Jared doesn't have a clean change of clothes. Do you think we'd have any clothes that will fit him?"

Heidi pondered this for a second. "Check the back of your closet. We may have some larger shirts and things. It may look baggy on him, but it should do."

"Right, awesome, thanks mom." He practically ran to his bedroom, rushing to the closet and hoping that there was something there. He found a loose fitting "life is good" t-shirt in the back of his closet, and  grabbed a pair of socks from his dresser. He quickly found a pair of boxers with elastic in the waistband, but no matter how hard he looked he couldn't find a pair of pants he thought Jared would be uncomfortable in. _It really doesn't help that I have no idea what size any of his clothes are. Why are clothes so difficult?_ When he heard the water stop running, he admitted defeat and went to give Jared what he found.

He knocked on the bathroom door. "So um… I couldn't—couldn't find much but what I, um What I did find I'll leave outside so you have—" The door opened a crack, revealing some of the right half of Jared's body. Evan couldn't tell if he was wearing a towel, but quickly diverted his eyes up.

"What are you going on about?" Jared interrupted. Evan couldn't help but notice that he looked different without his glasses. Not necessarily good or bad, but different. There was a more expressive quality to his faces.

"Um, clothes. Clean clothes. For you. To wear." He foisted the pile onto the guest. "Um I couldn't find any pants, but I'll keep looking—"

"It's fine dude. My jeans will be fine. Jeans never get dirty."

"That's… entirely untrue."

"You can seriously wear them for weeks or even months on end without anybody noticing you're wearing the same pair if you want. Or if you're bad at laundry."

"When was the last time you washed that pair?"

Jared simply stared at Evan, emotionless and blinking. "Well, thanks for the clothes…" looking down, he noticed the odd collection in front of him. "No offense, but I think sky blue is more your color." He held the shirt, trying to see if it would fit him.

Evan remembered something else in his closet. "I might have something else actually. You get dressed and ready for school." The door closed, and he went back to the back of his closet, grabbing a large item he had intentionally ignored before. He walked back to the kitchen, grabbed himself a bowl of cereal and sat across from his mom. It was one of those nice, peaceful moments that were all too uncommon in the Hansen household lately.

"You know I really don't mind Jared sleeping over." Evan nodded, with a grin he suggesting he knew she would say this. "I would love for you to have friends over." His expression turned uncertain as she said this. "I just would've liked to know beforehand. You know, so we can get a change of clothes for him without rushing. So all the parents involved know. Just text me next time."  
"I know, it was… really, really weird. And I don't really think there will be a next time. It was—it was just one of those… those weird things."

Although she tried to remain nonchalant, he could see disappointment in her eyes as he said this. "Ok. So, we need to get you started on college apps, and scholarships. I'm sure there's a good essay contest out there, you were always so excellent at writing."

"Yeah, sure." Evan didn't mean to be distracted, it's just how most of his time was spent now. Completely lost in the moment, distracted by everything and everything.

"Do you have a toothbrush I can use?" Jared called from the bathroom.

"Check the bottom left drawer." Evan called back. He knew they usually kept those toothbrushes they got from the dentist in there. He turned back to his mom, who had a concerned look on her face. "What?"

"I feel like you're not present a lot of the time, Evan. Like I'm speaking right past you or something. Are you doing ok?"

Evan shrugged. "Fine."

"There's something else we need to talk about," she quickly glanced down at his cast, "but I suppose that can wait. We can have dinner together tonight. Maybe tacos?" He smiled and nodded in response. She smiled at him. "I hope you're thinking of colleges. I think that's where you're gonna find yourself." Evan smiled back. He wanted to believe her, but he couldn't bring himself to hope. After all, look at where hope had gotten him so far. "Good morning, Jared."

"Good morning Heidi. Sorry again about the imposition. Hope it wasn't too much trouble."

"No, not at all. Of course you're welcome here. I just would prefer a text or some sort of communication."

"Next time I'll be sure to give you a call."

"Next time,' she repeated, turning to Evan. Evan banged his head on the table, embarrassed. "Oh, would you look at the time. I gotta head to work, I recommend you leave here soon if you're going to walk to school." Evan nodded and got up from his half-finished cereal when Jared spoke.

"Actually, I can drive Evan to school. It's really no trouble." Evan turned to him, a look of confusion on his face.

"Just as long as you guys get to school on time. Have a great day you two. Evan, I'll see you tonight."

"Bye mom." As the door closed he turned to Jared. "What's going on with you? I swear when you were waiting outside the bathroom you were going to kill me if I had taken any longer. Now you're offering me a ride to school?"

Jared shrug. "Nothing like a good shower to wake me up. Now what were you saying about this shirt? Because I really don't think I can pull off this blue."

Evan sighed. He grabbed the article of clothing he had gotten from the closet. "It's a little large, but it might pull the outfit together. Or else it'll just cover it up and nobody will see the shirt." He handed Jared the black hoodie, who put it on with a look of hesitation.

"You know what, Hansen? This actually almost looks good. In a Connor Murphy sort of way." Evan's expression became blank at the mention of the boy. He had… complicated feelings about Connor he may have briefly discussed with Jared the previous night. He couldn't fully remember. Jared looked back and gave a sheepish look. "Too soon?"

"Little bit."

* * *

 Evan sat in silence as they drove. He could tell Jared was a drive who liked conversation though.

"So are you going to talk or are we just gonna stay silent the entire way to school?"

Evan shrugged. "What's there to talk about?"

"Well there's always your drama. What are you going to do next?"

Evan really wasn't sure what to make of this. He didn't want to give Jared any more fuel to torment him, but he felt like Jared was a part of it now. He took a risk. "I'm going to talk to Alana today. She knew about Connor's death before anyone else, and I'm wondering why she's been talking with Zoe so much. There's just pieces to the story that don’t line up. I'm hoping—"

"That she'll make them line up? Cool. It's like you're a detective. If being a detective was really boring. So what else?"

Evan pause, unaware of what to say. "That's… that's it."

"Come on, you gotta give me something." Evan shook his head. "Fine, guess I'll carry the conversation. I had a weird dream last night." _Oh no._ "I was like in a production of _Rent_ , I think. I was Mark, obviously. But I mean there was a very different plot and I think I was looking off of the score to _Matilda_. I think it like turned into _Into the Woods_ or something halfway through, because there was a forest scene. Only it was an actual forest because, you know, dream. I think I saw you and somebody else running through the forest and began to climb a tree. Then Alana appeared and started asking a bunch of random questions, like she wanted me to join some sort of club. I dunno. It was a weird dream."

 _Ok so I was in his dream. Now this shouldn't need to be said, but don't tell him about last night's dream._ Jared continued, oblivious to Evan's internal conflict. "So yeah. Weird dream. Not much plot. You have any weird dreams last night?" _Don't do it._

"Oh um… well…" _We know better. Just say "no."_ "um, yeah." _Shit._ "Um it was—it was a dream where I was um… I was having an anxiety attack…"

"You get those in dreams too? God that must suck."

"Yeah. Yeah, i-it really does. It happens a fair amount to me." _Just leave it there don't continue._

"So what else happened? What was so weird about the dream?" _Shit._

"Well, um, instead of feeling… trapped and alone like m-most of those dreams go, several people suddenly appeared. And it kinda stopped." _That should do it. Just don't say anything else._

"Oh? Why did the people make it stop? And like, how? I think knowing how to help with that kind of thing would be incredibly useful." _Oh, come ON._

"Well um, there's—there's no telling if it would work in real life, you know, um, dream anxiety attacks work a little different from, um, from real ones. But I think they made it stop because… I knew them? And two of them came towards me specifically to help."

"So who did you recognize? Did you know the two people who helped?"

"Well, um one of them was… one of them was Zoe." He gulped. "She uh, she said that I would be ok. Which is stupid and dumb, but… sometimes I just… I need to hear that."

"I think we all do. Sometimes. Did you recognize the other one?" _Shit._

"Um… it was, it was uh…. You." Evan mumbled this, hoping the other boy wouldn't hear it.

"Oh." Jared's voice was not sarcastic, or concerned, or even surprised. "Did I say anything?" He was genuinely curious. Still, Evan was hesitant.

"N-no… Nothing, it's-it's—it's stupid." Jared looked over, giving a questioning look. Evan sighed. _Damn my no lying policy. Maybe things would be better if I'd lied about everything._ "…You said that you were there. That I was not alone." Both boys paused. "L-l-like I—Like I said, it was stupid."

"I think we all need to hear that sometimes too." Jared turned into the school parking lot and parked in an empty space. "We're here. Welcome to hell. Or at least novocaine for the soul."

Evan looked at the building that had crushed his and many other students' souls. Yesterday he was determined to cut Jared out of his life completely and here, not 13 hours later he didn't want to get out of his car. "I hate what happens next."

"Yeah school sucks."

"No, I mean—well, yeah school sucks, but… but that's now what I meant." Jared looked over, confused. "When I step out of this car everything goes back to normal. Nothing that happened in the past 24 hours matters and I'm still…" _Why do I have to blab everything that’s on my mind to Jared?_

"Elaborate."

Evan shook his head. "Forget it, it's… it's stupid." As he pulled on the door handle, Jared locked the door, preventing him from leaving.

"No. What are you talking about?"

"Jared you can be such an ass." Evan pulled repeatedly on the door handle, as if expecting it to open out of sheer persistence.

"That has been previously established. What hasn't been is why you think nothing you did yesterday matters."

Evan groaned in frustration. He wanted to take back everything he had ever said. But he knew Jared wouldn't let him out of the car. "Fine. So-so-so you know the thing yesterday with Zoe? Yeah, sure, she texted me, talked about being friends and being there if I needed something, but once she realizes just how weirded out she should be that I put her in what might as well be a sex letter for all she knows because I'm obsessed with her she's going to never want to talk with me again."

"But she knows it's not a sex letter, and she didn't care. Plus, she reached out to you yesterday. She got your phone number."

"And pretty soon she's going to forget it and look back and wonder why she ever texted me."

"I promise you that's not going to happen. I'm sure next week you'll tell me all about how close you two are getting."

"Well you're not even gonna care about it next week."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means as soon as I step out of this car everything goes back to normal. You mock me, extort me, and you only listen to me when my life is so humiliating and causes problems that it becomes high school drama."

Jared said nothing. Evan had done a pretty good job of summing up their relationship, at least how it had been for a long time. "It's just… it sucks. Because last night was… last night was different. And I liked it. And as soon as we walk into school it's gone. It's like it never happened."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I just… it's like…" he struggled to find the right words to explain it. "You know when you're at like, like summer camp? And you're surrounded by these people for like an entire week? And then you exchange phone numbers and-and-and you say things like 'we'll keep in touch' and you really mean it. But then suddenly you're not surrounded by those people constantly and you don't even really text? It's—It's like that. A-a-a-a-a platonic one-night stand if you will." _Please tell me that did not just come out of my mouth._

Jared laughed. "That's a weird way to put it. But I think I get what you're trying to explain."

"I can count the number of friends I have on… well, no hands. I just got a lot of friendliness yesterday. And I just need to prepare for the withdrawal. I don't begrudge it, but… it sucks."

Jared looked over with an understanding smile. "One hand." He reached over, grabbed Evan's good hand, and extended one finger pointing right back to himself. "You can count the friends you have on one hand." Evan turned his head, unwilling to believe what he was saying. "Look, it's not always going to be like last night. But that doesn't mean it has to go back to exactly how it was before. Maybe there's some middle ground." Jared unlocked the door. "Whatever this is, I'm in it. And with the things that have been happening lately, 'normal' seems almost impossible. So we'll make a new normal. Sound good?" Evan stared and nodded. "Good. Let's head in." And together the two walked into the school.

"So, Alana?"

Evan nodded. "Alana."

Evan walked in, looking listening for Alana's distinct rapid-fire voice. He and Jared split up, looking anywhere they could think to find Alana ( _maybe she's in study hall, or she's working on something for the student counsel_ ), but could not find her. The first bell rang, and Evan decided to call it quits and look for her at lunch. It was at that moment that she appeared, coming out of the computer lab.

"Alana!"

Alana turned her head every which way, looking for who had called her. When she saw who the voice belonged to, she gave a hesitant smile but walked over. "Hey Evan, sorry, I got a lot of class work—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I totally get it. I was wondering if we could talk later. Maybe after school?"

Alana's confused expression could not hide the worry she felt. "Why?"

"Just trying to fill in some blanks. See the whole picture."

"O-ok. Yeah, after school. Meet me back here."

"Cool. I'll see you then." He was done with waiting and avoiding the issue. He needed to know what was going on now. He needed answers. And Alana was going to give them to him somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relevant headcanons: Jared is most definitely not a morning person, Evan likes pine scented soaps, Jared is awful at driving, and Jared is secretly a musical theater buff and loves (or at least has seen) the movie Bandslam.  
> This was supposed to be the Alana chapter. But I felt I had to explain what happened after last chapter, hint how Jared and Evan's relationship may have to change. Again, thanks for all the support. I promise next chapter is the Alana interrogation.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan and Zoe text, Evan and Alana talk, and Heidi forgets a promise she made.

The day passed uneventfully. Evan could barely focus, and for once it wasn't for a lack of sleep. He was more concerned about talking to Alana. He needed to ask her questions, but knew she must have some of her own for him. He was not looking forward to answering those. He tried paying attention to his teachers, but just like the students they had… odd and varying reactions to the news of Connor's death. He had noticed slight changes in behavior in his teachers throughout the day that made it hard to focus. But focus seemed impossible, especially in his final period: math. His math teacher had seemed out of it since the news first spread. She was more lenient in classes, excused herself quite frequently, and pretty much ignored behavior that was technically a huge violation of the rules. So when Evan's text tone reverberated through the class, she didn't say anything. Maybe she hadn't noticed, but maybe she just didn't care. He quickly turned off the ringer, frightened that everybody would mock him, but left the phone on his desk. The person who had texted was more surprising than the text tone ringing at all. Evan looked up at the math teacher.  He knew he shouldn't text back in class. He knew he didn't care. He also knew that his teacher didn't care either.

 

> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Ugh my parents are the worst right now. I literally cannot be around them. >:c
> 
> Sorry I know I'm probably texting you in class but I need to do something that will keep me from going insane.
> 
> This is Evan right? Evan Hansen? I have the right number right
> 
> Yes, it is
> 
> You do I just
> 
> Don’t text much. Or use social media.
> 
> "Social" is not my strong suit
> 
> Ok good
> 
> Just making sure.
> 
> I mean, I was a little confused when I got your text. Found it weird Alana had my number.
> 
> Is it ok that I got your number from Alana?
> 
> Is it ok that I mentioned you in a therapy assignment that was mistaken for your brother's suicide note?
> 
> Oh my god that was so insensitive
> 
> I'm so sorry
> 
> That was too soon
> 
> Whoa, calm down
> 
> It's fine really. You seem more upset about it than me.
> 
> And to answer your question, touché.
> 
> Still, I feel bad.
> 
> That's actually why I'm not talking to my parents right now
> 
> They're talking about all these great things that Connor did
> 
> But like, that’s not who he was
> 
> ?
> 
> Who was he then?
> 
> He was the kid who threw a printer in second grade
> 
> He was the kid who pushed you down in the hall
> 
> He was a nightmare I had to live with for most of my life
> 
> He didn't really care about me >:c
> 
> Well, Connor definitely had some problems but I'm sure that's not true
> 
> I just can't pretend to be broken up about it. Because I'm not.
> 
> And maybe that makes me a horrible person, but it's true :/
> 
> Connor was an ass to me
> 
> I mean, I get that
> 
> But maybe you shouldn’t be dismissing your parents so quickly?
> 
> Idk though I really shouldn’t say anything
> 
> What are you talking about?
> 
> Connor shoved you, making you fall
> 
> Because he thought I was laughing at him
> 
> He stole your letter!
> 
> Because he saw your name and thought I was trying to hurt him
> 
> Or maybe hurt you
> 
> What? ._.
> 
> No that
> 
> That doesn’t make sense
> 
> I'm not trying to say that you're wrong
> 
> But Connor was not two dimensional
> 
> He had thoughts and feelings and different facets to him
> 
> And he clearly had some issues. He needed help that he just wasn’t getting
> 
> I just don’t see it
> 
> Zoe have you ever been suicidal?
> 
> Im sorry that’s so insensitive.
> 
> Its none of my business
> 
> I shouldn’t have asked
> 
> But my point is suicidal people tend to internalize things
> 
> They often don’t talk to people or try to get help
> 
> Bc they don’t want to be a burden
> 
> And whats worse is they push away the people close to them. Family, friends, everything
> 
> And they do everything to alienate their loved ones when all they want is to shout "please help me"
> 
> Evan that’s
> 
> I mean, how do you
> 
> Evan are you ok?
> 
> I have my experiences with mental illness and I hate being a burden so
> 
> No not really
> 
> But I mean do you get where im coming from?
> 
> Absolutely
> 
> He was awful right? He was a jerk and a bully and an ass
> 
> Well sometimes
> 
> But we can all be mean sometimes
> 
> And he could be nice sometimes too
> 
> You're focusing on the Connor who shoved me
> 
> And I get it, that's all you ever saw.
> 
> But there was a Connor who signed my cast. Who was almost nice. Who almost implied we could be friends.
> 
> Do you really believe you would’ve been friends?
> 
> I don't know. I never will.
> 
> But he was a lonely kid.
> 
> I think a lot of us are. I mean, the only reason I know I have even one friend is because he explicitly told me we were friends this morning
> 
> And theres still a 50% chance that’s going to fade or he was making fun of me or something
> 
> What was I saying?
> 
> Connor, maybe you could've been friends, lonely kid
> 
> Right
> 
> Look youre absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel right now
> 
> You saw the worst in him, and you don’t have fond memories of him
> 
> But others have different memories. And theyre allowed to grieve too.
> 
> Im sorry if this isn’t the answer you want.
> 
> No, youre right its just
> 
> I cant be sad in the way they want me to be sad
> 
> No one mourns the wicked
> 
> I mean I hear you
> 
> But you must realize the entire plot of that musical was how she wasn’t a bad person at all
> 
> She was actually very good and was painted in a horrible light by the totalitarian regime of a man who came in and claimed to be something of a destined ruler.
> 
> Ok so not my best line. Not my best musical reference
> 
> But I just cant mourn right now
> 
> Theres nothing for me to mourn :/
> 
> Idk
> 
> Thanks for distracting me
> 
> And If that friend doesn't work out you've always got me
> 
> Not sure if "girl you've had a crush on for years who is only talking to you because your assignment was mistaken for her dead brothers last words" really counts
> 
> But I'll take it.
> 
> I'm going to ask something
> 
> But really its rhetorical
> 
> ? ok
> 
> Why was everyone so willing to accept your note as Connors last words?
> 
> I don't think either of us want to hear the answer to that

 

A few minutes after Evan sent this final text, the bell rang. He hurriedly wrote down the assignment and gave an apologetic smile to his teacher as he walked out the door. He knew he should focus, but he was preoccupied with what he was about to do. He hadn't decided exactly how much to tell Alana, and he wasn't sure what she would ask. Additionally, while he knew that she might have answers, he didn't have a lot of fully formed questions. Still, he knew he couldn't postpone this meeting. He walked with purpose to the computer lab.

He poked his head in the door. He looked around, but nobody was there. He cautiously walked in, half expecting Alana or somebody else to pop out from behind a desk unexpectedly. He walked up and down the rows of computers, but sure enough nobody was there. He grabbed a chair and took a seat towards the front of the room. He sat there for some time, looking around the room and out into the hallway, trying to see if Alana was approaching. _Is my final class closer to the lab than Alana's? But I thought her final class was just down the hall. Maybe she had something to do. Or maybe she forgot._ Evan panicked at this last thought and quickly pulled out his phone, wondering if he even had Alana's number. But sure enough, it was there.

 

> **Alana Beck**
> 
> Hey Alana, its Evan. Just making sure you didn't forget we were going to meet in the computer lab to talk about stuff.
> 
> Im here already. Just let me know whats going on.

He looked out in the hall again, but didn't see her. The crowd of students was thinning as more left the building to go home. He waited a few more minutes, but needed a distraction. He logged into a computer, not knowing what to do. He could open an internet browser (uninformed teachers recommended internet explorer, but students had downloaded firefox or chrome on most of the computers long ago), but he didn't know what he would do. He had what little social media he needed on his phone. He didn't need to search anything for a class. And none of his assignments needed the computer. _Really? None of them?_ He grimaced as he opened Word and began to write the phrase that had caused so much trouble in the first place.

 

> Dear Evan Hansen,
> 
> Today was an ok day (but it could still get better) and here's why: you woke up this morning and Jared was there. More specifically, your head was resting on his shoulder which was weird and maybe I shouldn't have typed that detail in case somebody else gets the wrong idea again and something bad happens again but maybe being honest with yourself is more important than caring what others think. You had an almost pleasant conversation with your mom and for once it wasn't entirely about how lonely you are and how you're both just wishing you would get better. She even said that you could have dinner together tonight. It's been a long time since we've had dinner together. In any case, Jared drove you to school and ~~almost sorta kinda~~ admitted to being your friend, which is a huge change even just from the first day of school. In math Zoe texted you which means getting your number was in fact intentional, and maybe she does want to talk with you (even if it's just to avoid her parents). It feels strange but it seems maybe she could be a friend, too. I mean, you still like her and she knows you do but honestly being friends wouldn't be that bad. She was talking about Connor and it felt uncomfortable, so you tried to talk to her about it but she's just not sad. And it's not like you can make her feel sad or that she should feel sad but you still had to tell her that despite everything he did, Connor was a person with multiple motivations and feelings, and that his worst actions weren't all of him. That seems hypocritical though when I define myself almost solely by my worst actions. In any case you're hoping that some of the confusion that you've been feeling ever since that incident will be over soon, because Alana is supposed to be here. You talked to her this morning and she agreed to meet and answer some questions after school (right now), but she's not here. Really this kind of makes you relieved because she's going to ask questions you don't want to answer, but you're sick of being confused and out of the loop. Alana seems to have some of the missing pieces. Funny how now all of your hopes really are pinned on Alana now.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me 

He printed out the letter, thankful that he actually almost had a good day. Thankful that he could almost be making progress. Thankful that this note could not be mistaken for final words of a depressed child. The printer spat out the page, and as Evan collected it he heard something coming from the doorway. His head snapped to the doorway and for a split second he thought he saw a face in the doorway.

"Alana?" He logged off the computer and grabbed his backpack, running into the hallway. He didn't see anybody in hall, but he heard hurried footsteps coming from around the corner. He rushed passed the classrooms and around the corner. "Alana!" He saw her walking quickly towards the exit. He rushed to catch her and grabbed her shoulder, turning her around.

"Oh, hey Evan!" She seemed flustered. "What's up?"

Evan didn't believe she could've just forgotten. "We were going to meet in the computer lab. Remember?"

She gave a look of realization that that Evan felt was less than genuine. "Oh, that’s right. I forgot, sorry. I had some work to do for student council."

"I texted you." Evan had never expected this kind of behavior from Alana. If anyone, he expected this behavior from, well, himself.

"I… I must've missed it. And really, I have to go home, I've got a ton of work and—"

"Alana, we can't keep putting this off." He tried and uncharacteristic head-on approach, surprising even himself. "We can't—we can't avoid each other because we don't want to answer each other's questions. We both have too many questions that can't go unanswered. A-a-and as much as the answers suck we have to tell each other. We have to be… we have to be honest with each other." _Just stop there. You're going to ruin it if you keep babbling. Just stop._

Alana stared, stunned. "O-ok. Let's… let's go somewhere we can talk." The two walked back to the computer lab, closing the door behind them. "So… what do we do?"  
Evan shrugged. "Ask each other questions. And answer them honestly."

"Right." Alana paused. "I'm scared."

"I'm terrified. But we have to do this." Evan gulped. "So, um, why did you give Zoe my number?"

Alana looked confused. "Should I not have done that?"

Evan put his hand on his chin. "I'm not sure. But you should've told me before doing it."

"I'm sorry, Evan. I shouldn't have given out your information. I've been talking with her recently, and she asked in passing, I figured I should give it to her. But why did she want your number?"

"I'm not entirely sure. She says she wants us to be friends. I'm not sure why. So why have you been talking with her?"

"I've been giving her class work and explaining the lessons she's missed until she returns to school. She shouldn't have to fall behind in her grades just because… of these circumstances. Are you sure you didn't know Connor at all?"

"I knew him, but we weren't friends. He shoved me earlier that morning and yelled at me that afternoon. I'm still not sure why you thought we were."

"Two lonely kids. Made sense in my mind I guess." These words, while not intentionally harmful or untrue, stung Evan.

"So how did you know before any of us anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you were the first to make any social media posts about it. You were the only one talking about it for a while, and when I passed you in the hall, you gave me a smile that you give someone before they hear bad news. So how did you know before any of us?"

Alana stood there, unmoving, avoiding Evan's gaze. "I don't think I knew before anyone else."

"Alana, we have to be honest with each other."

Alana stayed quiet. "I overheard Mr. Howard with the Murphy's. I work as an office aide in the morning so… I overheard and… I-I asked Zoe and she said it was true."

"And that's when you offered to get her classwork?" Alana nodded. "Is that the full truth?" She nodded again. "Ok." Evan took a deep breath. "I know what you're going to ask, so… just-just ask it."

"…Why did the Murphy's want to speak with you?"

Evan wondered where to start, unable to collect his thoughts. _How do I explain the letter? I don't have it with me, and it's hard to explain unless…_ He looked at the letter he had written that afternoon. Slowly, delicately, he handed it over to Alana. "I have to write a letter each day for therapy, it has to start 'Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why.' Kind of like this one."

"But that's not how this one starts."

"I tend to aim for realism rather than optimism. I wrote one the first day of school that was… not very happy. Connor was in the computer lab, and he came over and apologized for shoving me. He signed my cast and said we could pretend to have friends."

"You mentioned that earlier. You also mentioned he stole something from you?

Evan nodded. "He read my letter, and panicked, running away with it in his hands. Apparently they found it on him when he… they found it on him."

"Wait, he read it and panicked? Why?"

"I kind of might've mentioned Zoe in the letter."

"Why did you—"

"Just… keep reading." He watched Alana's face as she went line by line, dreading her finding out his secret any second. He saw her eyes get wide and he knew she got to the part he was referencing.

"So you… you have a crush on Zoe?"

He blushed, then chuckled. "And here I thought I was too obvious about it."

"I guess I just don't really… pay attention to that kind of thing." She continued reading, and he waited until she had finished, ready to answer any other questions she had. "What do you mean when you say all of your hopes are pinned on me?"

He furrowed his brows, unsure how to proceed. "In the letter Connor took, I talked about how all of my hopes were pinned on Zoe, but we didn't know each other. I… I kinda lied—well, it was really only a half lie I guess? I dunno, there's some truth to it, but I told her parents it was because she was there at a low point in the day—"

"When Connor shoved you?"

"Exactly. I said that if anybody else had been there I might've mentioned them instead. I used you as an example."

"So you thought it was funny that your lie became kind of true?"

"…Something like that."

Alana nodded, lost in thought and trying to process everything, trying to form her next thoughts. A look of concern and confusion swept across her face. "Evan, why did Mr. and Mrs. Murphy assume it was a suicide note?"

Evan inhaled quickly, unaware for a few seconds he was holding his breath. Although he knew he should've by this point, he didn't expect this question. He gained control over his breathing and tried to explain. "The-the letter I wrote, it was… the letter for that day was really… sad. I was so lonely. I was hurting. But I'm not sure. I never thought it would ever be mistaken for… this. I… I don't know." He hung his head and looked away.

"Evan, I really meant what I said. I want to be there for you." Alana sighed. "I guess I haven't really been a good acquaintance recently."

"Well, you said you've been trying to help Zoe right? I don't know if you're friends or acquaintances, but you've certainly been trying hard to be there."

Alana smiled. It was small, but it was there. "Um, can I sign your cast?" Evan nodded, patting all of his pockets to find a sharpie, but when he looked up Alana already had an array of colors pulled out. She pulled the cap off a dark purple sharpie and looked at the cast for a place to sign. She decided to use the negative space in the first 'N' on Connor's name, writing "ALA" in the space above the N and a slightly slanted "A" below. She drew several small stars around the letter before capping the sharpie and putting it away.

Evan grabbed his backpack and retrieved his letter from Alana. "I should probably head out here. Homework, you know."

"Yeah." But as he turned to leave she stopped him. "Hey Evan?" He turned around, confused. "You mentioned that Zoe texted you today. Do you… do you think she likes you back?"

Evan frowned. He gave a small sigh and shook his head, then shrugged. "Do you think she likes _you_ back?" Alana's face froze, mortified, and Evan gave a small nod, confirming his implied question. "I've always thought that we were really alike. We just have different ways of expressing it. And I think you're much better at hiding your feelings. I wouldn't even know if I didn't know what I look like."

Alana looked away for several uncomfortable seconds, before turning back to ask a question Evan didn't want to think. "Do you think either of us has a chance?"

"Me?" He shook his head. "No. Absolutely not. But you? I wouldn't count it out." He walked to the doorway and stopped. "A part of me still dreams that somehow we'll grow closer and she might want to date me, and I know that's ridiculous but—Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'll be rooting for you two."

"And I'll be rooting for you two." Evan hesitated, then walked out of the room, not looking back at Alana. He checked his phone and saw that about 22 minutes had passed since the final bell. He walked out of school and started walking home. Not five seconds passed when he heard a horn honk behind him.

"Hey, Hansen. Need a ride home?" Jared pulled up to the curb as Evan turned in disbelief.

"Jared were you waiting for me?"

Jared scoffed. "No. Maybe. Look, do you want a ride or not?" He gave that trademark, smug smile.

"With the way you drive? Maybe I would be safer walking." Evan jested, trying to hide a real gulp.

"Ha ha, jackass, just get in." Evan walked around the front of the car and got in the passenger side. As he buckled his seatbelt, Jared began pulling away. "So were you meeting with Alana?"

Evan nodded. "Yup."

"Well what happened what did she say?"

Evan considered how much, if any of his story to redact. But he couldn't just keep the interaction from Jared, he couldn't lie to him. And what's more, he wanted to talk with somebody about it. "Ok, but you can't tell anyone."

"My lips are sealed." Jared made a zipper motion on his lips with his hands, swerving in the process.

"Both hands on the wheel, both haNDS ON THE WHEEL!"

* * *

 

Evan was on his laptop, and he noticed he was spending increasingly more time on the social media websites he usually abhorred. _Everybody's so sad about Connor but most people never met the guy._ He heard a knock on his door.

"Evan? Can I come in?"

"Sure Mom." Heidi cautiously walked into her sons room.

"I was just about to head off to work."

Evan's face fell. "But what about tonight? You said we were going to eat dinner together? Tacos? And look over essay contests?"

Heidi's expression changed into one of guilt. "Oh, that was tonight. I'm sorry sweetie. We can do tacos another night." Evan knew she had just forgotten, and he didn't blame her, but he still couldn't help but feel disappointed. "Hey, in the meantime you can check out some of the essay topics and let me know if any of them sound promising."

"Sounds good."

Heidi looked back, concerned. "You know I've been meaning to talk with you. The school sent out an email about a boy who killed himself. Connor Murphy. Did you know him?"

Evan's heart stopped, but he shook his head. "No."

Heidi hesitated before saying, "Evan, he signed your cast."

Evan glanced at the cast. "We weren't friends, Mom. He only signed my cast because… he only signed my cast as an apology."

"An apology for what?"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it. I'll uh," he coughed, "I'll start looking at essay topics."

"Aw, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. I promise." She looked back at Connor's name and saw the three smaller names, smiling. "It seems more people are signing your cast. That's good, right?"

Evan looked down. "Huh. I guess so."

"Alright, I love you Evan."

"Love you too, Mom." He looked at the door as he heard the familiar sounds of his mother leaving for work. He knew he shouldn't be disappointed, but it seemed like he never got to see his mom anymore. He was always home alone. He didn't begrudge it, but he didn't like it. The text tone from his phone snapped him back to reality and provided a welcome distraction. He read the text, taking a moment to think about it, staring at the place his mother had been standing a few minutes before, then replied.

 

> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> My mom wants to know if you're free tomorrow night. Says she actually wants to have dinner with you. I know you're not a fan of interacting with people but u in?
> 
> You know what? Sure.
> 
> It's not like I have any other plans.
> 
> Great! I'll let her know c:

 

Several more minutes of compulsively checking feeds went by before another tone caught his attention.

 

 

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> hey u got any leftover pizza?
> 
> my parents are out again and im hella bored
> 
> Plus I gotta return the awesome clothes you let me borrow
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Yeah we do
> 
> And I mean same
> 
> About the bored thing not the clothes
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> cool. ill be over in 10
> 
> ill bring booze
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Pls dont do that

As he waited for Jared to arrive, Evan wondered how somebody he barely begun to think of as a friend became more present in his life than his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I totally ship Zoe and Alana. Haven't decided how canon they're going to be in this fic yet. Maybe they'll be super canon, maybe they wont be canon at all. I have some ideas, but nothing final yet. *it is a mystery plays*  
> Thanks for 50 kudos and 600 hits! I feel like I've gotten a lot of positive responses to this silly fic and I really appreciate how awesome you've been.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Zoe sings no requiem and Evan learns about liminal spaces.

The next day was Zoe's first day back, and Evan swore the atmosphere of the school got stranger. _What's the term for those places that give like a really weird feeling, like it's not the real world but it's not like supernatural? I'll have to look that up later. But yeah that’s the vibe I'm getting._ He saw her walking through the hall after the last bell rang, and saw how everyone reacted. Half of the students were trying to get to her and comfort her, while the other half avoided her like the plague. As she looked Evan's way, he gave a small wave. She looked at the students crowding her and rolled her eyes in his direction, giving a small shrug. He flashed a quick look of sympathy before she walked away, trying to escape the crowd.

"So, Zoe. How's that going?" Jared had come up behind him during his silent conversation with Zoe.

"How's-how's what going? No-nothing's… going anywhere, we're just—" he sighed.

"Something bad happen?"

"No, we're just… friends. Maybe. I don't really have much experience with those so… I mean, we've texted a little bit."

"That's progress!" Jared grinned, excited

"It was mostly about Connor though." Evan admitted.

Jared faltered. "Ok, it's still progress, though. I'm still counting it."

"Look I just… I want to help out if I can. If that makes any sense?" Evan put his face in his hands. "But none of this makes sense it's just… so off."

"What's off about it?"

Evan looked up. "This. My life. You've seen what's been happening right? The entire thing is weird." The two began walking towards the doors. "I mean… I-I-I didn't know Connor but the fact that he's… he's just gone? I just… The whole school just reacts so, so weird. And-and-and then there's the whole letter debacle. And now I'm confronting Alana and I'm texting with Zoe and-and talking with…" He looked over at Jared. "Why are you trying to get me and Zoe together?"

Jared looked back with mild confusion. "I wouldn't say I'm trying to get you two together. I'm not like a matchmaker or anything."

"You know what I mean… Why are you so invested in this?"

Jared shrugged. "I mean, you'd be kind of cute together. In a weird, slightly sad way. Maybe you both deserve some happiness right now?"

Evan shook his head. "But she's not sad. Connor was a nightmare to everyone, remember? And she had to live with him. I can't blame her. She's just… not sad."

"Well, she's definitely not happy. Even _you_ have to see something's wrong."

Evan frowned. "I dunno… I mean, I-I guess you're right? Maybe? I'm having dinner with the Murphy's tonight and I-I-I just wanna help. How do I help?"

They opened the doors and walked outside into the sun. "You got me there, dude."

* * *

 While he knew he would've regretted not going more, he still regretted eating dinner with the Murphy's that evening. There was an incredibly uncomfortable silence at the table as the two parents alternated between staring at Evan and looking anywhere else. Evan stared at his plate, pretending not to notice the intermittent glares.

"Sorry Zoe couldn't join us." Evan looked up at Cynthia. "She just needed a minute. She should be back soon…" Cynthia looked towards the entrance of the kitchen, as if Zoe were about to walk in that second."

"No, that's," Evan cleared his throat. "That's fine. I mean, it's-it's her first day back that can't have been… easy…" Evan was anxious. _Well, that's the biggest understatement of the century. I mean, the anxiety is kind of constant if you hadn't noticed so it's not really a surprise at all._

"You're right. It's been really hard. On all of us." She turned to her husband, who seemed to be looking through her at something in the distance. Without a word he turned away, looking away from her and Evan. As much as the three of them may have been trying to avoid it, the subject of Connor was everywhere. They couldn't avoid it. "Forgive me for being blunt but… do you remember anything about Connor?"

The question caught Evan off guard. "W-what?"  
"I know you two weren't close but… but do you have any memories of Connor?" Evan thought about it for a second, but he knew the answer as soon as it was asked. He nodded apologetically. "No? Nothing you remember that stands out?"

Evan stared down at his food again. "…I don't think you want to hear what little I do remember."

"Zoe told us all about the shoving incident, if that's what you're referring to." Larry was staring right at Evan, and he couldn't help but feel it wasn't a friendly stare. "See, I still don't understand why you didn't tell us about that from the beginning." _Definitely not a friendly stare._

"Larry, don't."

"No, I want to know why he left out that important detail last time he was here. After he promised to tell the truth."

"He didn't promise anything, he offered to explain why Connor had his letter and then answered some rather personal questions that we shouldn't even have asked, now let's just drop it."

"I'm just asking why he didn't tell us about it. It was important to how Connor got the letter and why Evan wrote what he did." The two parents started talking, not increasing in volume but certainly increasing in intensity. Evan got that oh-so familiar feeling of wanting to be literally anywhere but where he was. The words congealed in his mind, surrounding him in a thick fog of confusion. Everything felt like it was building up, building until—

"I didn't want to hurt you!" _What. Did you—did I… was that blurted out?_ He looked up and saw the two looking at him, speechless. "You… you were so sad in the office. And Connor… well if you haven't you'll hear a lot of bad things about him but… but that's not who he was, not—not necessarily." Evan always struggled explaining this part. "I mean, Connor shoved me, but he also signed my cast. You're going to hear plenty of… plenty of shoving stories, I just… I figured you didn't need another one. I'm-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He waited for a response, but instead heard the door close. _Zoe._ He heard footsteps behind him as Zoe walked into the dining room.

"How was your first day back?" Larry was clearly trying to diffuse whatever tension may have been there. Evan knew immediately that he had failed.

"Terrific. All of a sudden everybody wants to be my friend. I'm the dead kid's sister, didn't you know?"

"I'm sure they mean well." Cynthia's words were meant to be reassuring, but Evan cringed as he realized the damage the parents were unwittingly doing. He couldn't take it anymore.

"I should probably go."

"Evan?" Zoe's voice was full of surprise. He glanced behind him and realized that from her angle, Zoe hadn't seen him.

"You've barely touched your food!" Cynthia said. He had in fact, not eaten a bite, a fact he did not wish to share with her.

"No really, I—I got enough, it was good, I just um, I just think I've got like a lot of homework and stuff."

"Well maybe we can do another night. I can cook something for you!"

"No, no, no you don't have to—"

"It would be my pleasure! We would love to have you again."

He said nothing, not wanting to accept or deny immediately. Larry spoke up, "Let me show you out." Evan realized after these words were spoken that they could not have come at a better time. He walked towards the front hall, stopping in front of Zoe. Before he walked away, he looked down and mouthed a quick 'sorry.' As he walked to the front he heard Cynthia trying to engage Zoe in conversation, only for Zoe to shoot her down. _I wish I could help but staying would make things worse. Right?_

As Larry opened the door, Evan mumbled a quick, "I'm sorry."

Larry looked confused. "What for this time?"

Evan shrugged. "All of this. I-I-I just made a mess of everything ever since you found the letter."

The two heard Zoe shouting inside. _What is she saying about 'the fucking Brady Bunch?'_ Larry sighed. "Things were already a mess, Evan, this was always going to be a mess. I'm just sorry you got caught in the middle of it."

Evan turned around, unsure what to say, but the door closed before he could say anything, ending yet another surreal evening.

* * *

 The following day, Alana sat next to Evan at lunch. _Surreal. Everything about this is surreal._ "Hey Evan, how are you?"

Evan shrugged. "Ok, I guess. Everybody's just acting so… weird. This whole thing has been so awful."

Alana nodded. "Everybody's so sad. Dana P. was crying so hard at lunch the other day she pulled a muscle in her face. She had to go to the hospital."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Isn't Dana P. new this year? She didn't even know Connor."

"That's why she was crying. Now, she'll never get the chance." It took Evan all his will power to not scoff. _Yeah, no way she and Connor would've gotten along._ "Connor's really bringing the school together, it's pretty incredible. People I've never talked to before they want to talk to me now because they know how much Connor meant to me, it's… very inspiring. I actually started a blog about him, like a sort of memorial page."

Evan tried to mask his suspicion. "You were friends with Connor?"

"Acquaintances. But _close_ acquaintances." _You keep saying that. What does that even mean? You didn't know him any better than I did but you're still—_ "Zoe." The word was a whisper, almost a gasp. Evan looked over his shoulder, and sure enough, Zoe was walking away from the cafeteria, looking for somewhere she wouldn't be ambushed by people wanting to comfort the dead boy's sister.

He turned back around and looked at Alana. "You getting anywhere with her?"

Alana blushed and shook her head. "Since she's back she doesn't need anybody picking up her classwork. I message her intermittently and she'll reply sometimes but I'm trying to give her space. You?"

Evan sighed. "I was supposed to have dinner with her family last night. But then Zoe came in and I left."

"Evan, what the actual fuck." Evan turned around, startled by the voice, but could not see it's owner. The shuffling beside him indicated the speaker was sitting down next to him, and sure enough, when he turned his head the other way he saw Jared. "You're literally given an excuse to be near her all night, and you choose to leave the second she appears."

"It's not—It's more complicated than that. There were…other circumstances."

"Really? What was so complicated about it? You saw Zoe and you left. Or is there more to the story?"

Evan faltered. Should he tell both of them? _You made your bed, Mr. Honesty-is-the-best-policy, now lie in it._ "Well, um, her father accused me of lying because I didn't tell him about the… shoving incident." Both Jared and Alana slightly cringed at the reference of the infamous event, but Evan didn't notice. "And I kinda tried to explain that I didn't want to influence their memories of Connor with another bad memory…" he tried to remember what he said, and realized he had probably made a big mistake. "…but I think I just ended up sounding like I pitied them.  And then I left. Yep I screwed that one up." He banged his head on the table, murmuring "I'm just trying to help. How do I keep ruining everything?"

"Evan, you're too nice. It's all this honesty that's gotten you in trouble. I tried to tell you, nod and confirm."

Alana pointedly ignored Jared, and looked at Evan. "Look, you're doing the best you can Evan. This is tough on everyone, and there's not some best way to handle everything. Give yourself some credit."

 _Yeah, you only hurt a grieving family by telling them that their son's "final words" was actually a therapy assignment and that their son was a monster who everyone only remembers badly. Give yourself some credit, you can't screw things up any—_ "And don't do that thing you do where you go over every bad thing that you did and over-exaggerate how horrible everything is and think everyone hates you. Just don't." Evan looked up in time to see Alana's mouth slightly agape in confusion. "I am wise in the ways of Evan." Evan opened his mouth to contradict him, but found himself not caring enough to say anything. He stared down, thinking of the surreal atmosphere of the school once more. "What did I literally just say?"

"No, no, no, it's not that. I was just thinking about the school and…" Alana leaned in as he struggled to find the right words. "You know those weird places that like aren't quite in the real world but aren't quite supernatural? Like they're kind of unsettling in between?" The faces on the two others made it clear that he was not explaining it well. "Like, truck stops are often used I think. Like there will be ghost stories or alternate universes. Or certain campgrounds that are 'haunted.' What are they called?"

Alana's face lit up, understanding. "I know what you're talking about, but I don't remember—"

"Liminal spaces." Jared said. Alana and Evan looked at each other, then Jared, in agreement. "Places where the veil between Here and There is thin."

"Thank you! That's been driving me crazy since yesterday."

"Why are you asking about liminal spaces?" Alana asked.

"…I think this school is in a liminal space. Emotionally. Does that make any—no, what am I talking about of course I'm not making sense." He sighed. "Half the people here are acting like Connor was super nice and just the best person, and the other half is acting like he was satan and that he's better off dead. Half of the people are lining up to be Zoe's friend and the other half are avoiding her like she's contagious or something. It doesn't feel quite real."

Jared shrugged. "How are people supposed to react? How are they supposed to treat Connor? Or Zoe for that matter?"

Evan paused, not wanting to mince words. "Like people. People with different sides to their personality, as ultimately flawed but neither perfect nor evil. Connor was clearly going through much more than he let on. And now Zoe's going through hell trying to reconcile the person she knew and the person Connor actually was." Evan needed to take a breath and sort his thoughts. "Sorry, I need to get some water or something. I'll be back in a sec."

As he walked away it occurred to Evan that just a few days ago nobody would've even thought to have eaten lunch with him. Now there was not one but two people willingly sitting with him of their own free will. _How the hell did I get here?_ He reached the cafeteria doors before he got a sense that something was off. He turned back around to look at the table. Jared looked like he was eating, maybe talking to Alana, facing the opposite direction of Evan. Alana, however, quickly looked from Jared up to Evan. When she saw him looking back at her, she gave Evan a quick, sympathetic glance. _Glad to know that Alana's enigmatic expressions aren't going to change anytime soon. But how will I ever decipher them, and what the hell does this one mean?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kinda wrote myself into a hard place bc I forgot the order of things last chapter, but I'm more or less back on track now. Next chapter will focus on the "If I Could Tell Her" scene. But how will that play out in this au? (*suspense*)  
> Also thanks for all the kudos and the lovely comments! I have been reading them, I'm just an idiot and haven't replied to any of them. But I really appreciate it all!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan tells things to Zoe and Jared reveals a harsh truth.

In the list of places where Evan never would've expected himself to be, Connor Murphy's bedroom ranked very high. Yet here he was. He wasn't sure what had compelled him to ask Mrs. Murphy where Connor's room was, but it had been said before he even realized he had done it. Before he had even fully realized what had happened he was led into Connor's room and told that dinner for tonight was gluten-free lasagna. He had stood around, uncomfortable for a few minutes, but began glancing at some of the objects around the room. If pressed, he never would've been able to guess what Connor's room looked like, but standing in it he could very clearly tell this was Connor's room. Even with the curtains open the room didn't get too much light, the bed was made with muted colors and deep blues and greys. There's something dark yet comforting about the room.

Something caught his eye in the other corner of the room. He looked over and saw a small but packed bookshelf. He saw books of all shapes and sizes, some placed normal, some thrown on top of the other books and some thrown whichever way. _Did Connor like reading?_ He couldn't make out the titles. He took a few steps when a voice from behind startled him.

"Why are you in my brother's room?" He jumped at the voice and turned around, revealing Zoe Murphy. He took a few steps back.

"Oh, no, no, I just—I just I was waiting so…"

"Don't your parents get upset that you're here all the time?" He wasn't sure if Zoe was trying to be mean but her tone seemed confrontational. _Well, I guess Jared was right. She's not really in a good place. Maybe I should just leave her alone._

"I mean it's not like I'm…" he stopped himself, trying to adjust his tone, make it seem less rude. He didn't want to accidentally snap at anyone, much less Zoe. He felt his hands reach down to his shirt hem. "I mean it's—I'm not here all the time."

"Just two nights in a row." _Escape the situation, don't stay, just don't talk. She doesn't seem to be in a talking mood._

"Well it's just my mom and she works most nights. Or else she's in class." _Well that plan failed horribly._

"Class for what?" The question had a hint of intrigue, but the emotion and tone remained the same, verging on annoyance.

"Uh… legal stuff." He wasn't quite sure how to explain it. He wasn't sure if he fully understood what his mother did.

"Where's your dad?" _Ok that was blunt. Most people just take 'it's just my mom' and continue the conversation uncomfortably tiptoeing around it._ There was that intrigue again. The expression had softened slightly though.

"My dad's, uh…" Evan shook his head. _You're going to tell her, aren't you?_ "He lives in Colorado, he left when I was seven, so he doesn't really mind either." He looked down and saw his hands were more frantically messing with his shirt hem now. He looked up suddenly to say, "Your parents, they're really great." _Why was that a necessary addition?_

"They can't stand each other. They fight all the time." Evan noticed she was diverting her eyes, not looking directly at him as she said this.

"Everyone's parents fight." _This isn't going to make it better, is it._ He mentally kicked himself. How was he supposed to be there and help the Murphy's if he always had a foot in his mouth?

"My dad's in like total denial. He didn't even cry at the funeral." There was a twinge of something in her voice. Sadness? Guilt?

Evan found himself thinking a question he didn't want to ask. _Did you?_ He just kept messing with the stupid hem, like always, not saying anything. "Your mom was saying gluten free lasagna for dinner, that sounds really…"

"Inedible?" Zoe finished the sentence for him, and he felt some slight relief wash over him.

He chuckled. "You're lucky that your mom cooks, my mom and I would just order pizza most nights."

"Well you're lucky you're allowed to eat pizza." Zoe walked somewhat closer to him, and he cautiously took a step forward.

"You're not allowed to eat pizza?"

Zoe thought about it for a second. "Well, we can now, I guess. My mom was Buddhist last year so we weren't allowed to eat animal products."

Evan nodded slightly but the statement had confused him. "She was Buddhist last year but not this year?"

Zoe nodded. "Yeah, it's… It's sorta what she does. She gets into different things. For a while it was Pilates." She looked up, as if trying to remember precisely what her mom had gotten into. "Then it was 'The Secret.' Then Bhuddism, and now it's…" she let out a chuckle that was definitely not amused, "free-range, 'Omnivore's Dilemma,' whatever."

"It's cool that she's interested in so much different stuff." _Was that supposed diffuse the situation? Because that clearly did not._

Zoe's face became deadly serious again. "She's not. That's just what happens when you're rich and you don't have a job, you get crazy."

Evan nodded uncomfortably at this, going right back to his shirt. _You really need to stop doing that._ "Well, my mom always says it's better to be rich than poor."

Zoe laughed. "Well, your mom's probably never been rich then."

Evan laughed at this in response. "Yeah, you've probably never been poor." _What._ "OHMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT, that was so—That was completely rude, I'm so sorry."

Zoe's face lit up, smiling in disbelief. "Wow. I didn't realize you were actually capable of saying something that wasn't nice."

"I'm not—I don't say things that aren't nice, I don't even think things like that, really I—I'm very sorry." _Could you_ be _talking any faster?_

Zoe's face settled back into a neutral, but not unhappy expression. "I was impressed. You're ruining it."

"Oh, sorry."

"You really don't have to keep saying that." He simply looked down and messed with his shirt hem again, not saying anything. "You want to say it again, don't you?"

"Very much so, yes."

"You're weird." She wasn't being mean, merely stating a fact.

"I know." _Surprisingly ok. Now leave quick, before you say anything to ruin it again._ He took several steps toward the door, but Zoe spoke again.

"Hey, why did he do that?" He turned around, not knowing what she meant. "Why did he take your letter? You said he saw my name and panicked, but… why?"

Evan shook his head. "I don't know, I-I mean we weren't exactly… close. I mean, he probably cared about you it's just… I don't know."

Zoe sat on the bed, not willing to accept this answer. "But, did you hear him say anything? Did he do anything that might explain… any of this?"

Evan looked down not knowing what to say. _Don't hurt Zoe. Not this time. Tell her what she wants to hear. Maybe Jared's been right this whole time._ "…Maybe I saw, or, or heard a few things. Like in jazz band, whenever you have a solo, you close your eyes—and you probably don't even know you're doing this—and you get this—this half-smile, like you just heard the funniest thing in the world, but it's a secret and you can't tell anyone about it. But then, also the way that you smile, at the same time, it's—it's like you're letting us in on the secret…too…" As he described this he mimicked the actions to the best of his capability. He walked over and sat next to her on the bed. "And, um, I saw him one time just… light up when he saw that smile, like everything was wonderful. Or um, like, um, I overheard him talking about how you scribble stars on your jeans when you're bored. And you still fill out those little quizzes in those teen magazines. And he thought you looked pretty—um, pretty cool when you dyed streaks of your hair indigo. Or um, I heard him once say that you just dance like… like nothing else in the world matters."

Zoe's face was bright, almost on the verge of tears. "Really?"

Evan nodded, but his stomach immediately hurt. _This isn't right. This isn't worth it, lying just doesn't work._ He began shaking his head, and turned away. "No, no, no, no it's not true. The only time I ever heard Connor mention you was to say I was trying to freak him out by mentioning you. Everything I just said was… was my own observation, it's the reasons I lo—" he stopped himself, all too aware of what he was about to admit. "Those were some of the reasons I… I _liked_ you." He winced as the words came out. "I should just—Maybe I shouldn't have…" He moved to get up, but felt Zoe's hand on his shoulder.

"Evan…"

"No, I can't this is just—I just wanted to help and I'm making things worse, because that's what I do, and I mean now—" He stood up and began pacing. "I-I-I-I want to help and I mean I want to be your friend and everything, but you probably just need space right now, right? Because everybody wants to be friends with you or-or they just avoid you entirely and I mean, I don't—I don't even know how to be a friend because until a few days ago I didn't really have any."

"Evan, just take a few deep breaths, stay with me here, ok? I don't want you to have another anxiety attack."

"No, no I should just leave now because I'm just—I'm torturing myself by being here, and trying to be close to you, because despite whatever Jared thinks—"

"Jared Kleinman?"

"I really do want to be your friend and help out but I'm not really doing that, I'm just having a meltdown in your brother's bedroom because I just—I know you'd never really like me back." Evan stopped and took a huge breath, followed by several smaller ones.

"Evan, I need you to breath ok? Look at me." She grabbed his shoulders and looked straight in his eyes. "Breath in… Breathe out… Breathe in… Breath out…" She took deep breathes as she said this, and Evan obediently mirrored her. The breathing did calm him down a little bit, but the damage was done. He had spilled everything that was on his mind. Even he didn't know all of that was on his mind until he said it out loud. _Why are all of my anxiety attacks in front of Zoe, the girl who knows I like her and who has way too much on her mind to deal with this anyway?_ "Evan this is probably a dumb question but are you ok?"

Evan thought about it. "Not really. I guess… I guess everything has impacted me more than I thought. I dunno. It's all messed up. I mean Connor's gone and-and I guess that just brings up some bad memories for me."

Zoe looked concerned. "What bad memories?"

Evan shook his head and just continued. "And I want to be there for your family… I mean God knows how much I've screwed everything up since this whole thing started… but I think it's just hard when I'm trying to be your friend when I just… when I know you're never going to like me back, and that is such a typical thing and it's like the worst thing to say—"

"Well, never is a strong word."

"Please don't do that. I just… I can't—" Evan collected his thoughts and figured out what he wanted to say. _Am I really going through with this? I mean think about what happens if this is said. Do I want to go down that path?_ Evan took a deep breath. _Yes I do._ "I really, really do want to be your friend Zoe. But I mean… It's really hard to do that when I keep coming over here and keep making excuses to try and see you."

"I'm pretty sure you bolted the second I showed up yesterday."

"I just… I don't know. Like, you can still text me if you want but I think… I think I need to get over you. And that's such a stupid thing to say, I know. But I think I've been giving everybody advice that I haven't been following. I've… practically idolized you for a long time."

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "How long exactly?"

"Take the minimum amount of time it takes to be 'creepy' then subtract one arbitrary time unit. But I've been saying people should treat you… and people should treat Connor…. Like people. Like normal people with complex lives that don't fit neatly into little boxes of good and evil or nice and mean. But here I've been treating you as… more than human. And I don't think I'll be able to be your friend until I realize that you're not." Evan took a deep breath. This was going to be the hardest part. "I need you to tell me the truth, that I would never have a chance with someone like you."

Zoe frowned. "It's a lot more complicated than that."

"Please I just… if this is going to work I need to hear it."

"Well it's not so black and white. I don't know if you would have a chance with me but I wouldn't count it out. It's just that I don't know you super well."

Evan groaned. "Just do it please. I just… I don't know…"

"You were the one who was talking about how we're all just fundamentally flawed people that don't fit neatly into little boxes. I can't say for certain that I'd never date you because I don't know if I would or not. It depends on a lot of thing I can't control."

Evan couldn't deal with this. Cynthia's voice called from the dining room. "Dinner's ready guys!"

Evan shook his head. "Tell them to eat without me."

"What?"

He walked out of Connor's room and towards the front door. "Tell them I had homework or my mom called or something I just…" He could hear Zoe's footsteps not far behind him as he walked through the house, and heard her stall as he walked out the front door.

"Evan?" She called after him. "Evan what the hell just happened?" _Glad to know I'm not the only one asking that question._

* * *

 "You _WHAT?_ " Jared's voice practically blew the speakers in Evan's phone out.

"It just happened ok? I don't know…"

"I can't believe you." Unlike most nights, Jared's voice was devoid of mockery or humor of any sort. "I gotta hear this in person. I'm on my way."

"No please don't—" He was cut off by the doorbell. _I think Mom left a note about some package coming in tonight. Right?_ He walked through the front door and opened it to reveal—

"Jared? How did you get here so quickly?" He hung up on his phone.

"I was in the neighborhood when you called." His reply was… _Enigmatic? Surreal? There are a lot of terrible adjectives you've been using recently._ Unsurprisingly, Jared went straight to the kitchen and soon enough the smell of microwave kettle corn was wafting through the air. Evan didn't comment on anything. He sat down and just thought about everything that had happened at the Murphy's. Jared made a few random comments, but Evan didn't hear them.

"Hey, asshole, aren't you going to say anything?" Evan looked up, prepared to shake his head, but noticed something he hadn't seen before.

"Is that a button with Connor's face on it?"

Jared grinned. "I'm selling them for a nominal fee at lunch tomorrow."

Evan's jaw dropped. "You're making money off of this?"

"I'm not the only one! Haven't you seen those wristbands with Connor's initials on them that Sabrina Patel started selling during free period? Or the T-shirts Matt Holzer's mom made?"

"I can't believe you."

"You can't believe me? I can't believe you! What are you going to do about this Zoe thing?"

Evan shrugged. "Not talk with her until I think I can actually be friends with her?"

"Evan you've tried the whole not talking to her thing. It didn't make you less obsessed with her."

 _I hate it when he's right. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it._ "Why do you care so much about this?"

"Look, I'm not going to tell you to not ruin your life, I just want you to be aware that that's what you're doing." Evan didn't say anything. He just put his head back in his book, not concentrating on the words he was reading. _Just ignore him why won't he leave enough of this stupid enough enough enough._ "Ok, don't punish me for diagnosing your problem. You said you wanted to help the Murphy's, right?" Evan may have been mumbling his thoughts out loud. And at this point he didn't care. _Shut up shut up shut up shut up._ " _RIGHT?_ And yet you're telling Zoe that you can't be around her, thus preventing yourself from seeing any of the Murphy's until you can 'get over' Zoe? I mean, I've seen and done many dick moves in my life, and that, good sir, is a dick move." Evan could feel his face get hot and his eyes get wet. He wasn't sure what it was. Maybe his sleep schedule was still too erratic, maybe he overstimulated, but he had only one thought. _You are not going to cry you are not going to cry don't cry don't cry don't cry._

"Just… stop."

Jared's expression softened as he heard the barely audible voice. He sighed. "Look, I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. But you're only sabotaging yourself, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. And don't start doing that thing again, you don't deserve the abuse you're putting yourself through. Fuck." He sighed again.

"…Everything's just weird. The school still feels like a lim—liminal…? Space?" Evan hoped he had got the term right.

"Well if it makes you feel any better that's not going to last long. This whole Connor thing, another few days it'll be played out anyway."

Evan looked up, horrified. "But you just said about the T-shirts and the wristbands…"

"Exactly. We're at the peak, which is why I gotta move these buttons before the bottom drops out on the Connor Murphy memorabilia market. 'Cause soon there'll be some third world tsunami to raise money for and Connor will just be that dead kid whose name no one remembers." Jared spoke not cruelly, but far too candidly for Evan.

"You don't know that for sure."

"A week from now, everyone will have forgotten about Connor. You'll see." Jared looked over and saw Evan, shrinking away from him. "That's not what I—All I meant by it was that the school will return to its normal soul-crushing atmosphere and not be it's 'liminal space' atmosphere."

"But then-then-then that'll mean that everybody's forgotten, that it's over, that Connor didn't matter…"

"Look don't… don't worry about that right now." He looked at Evan, who remained skeptical. "Have you gotten dinner yet?" Evan slowly shook his head. "Dammit Hansen, you can't just forget to eat." Jared pulled out his phone. "Pizza good again?" Evan nodded absentmindedly. _Connor can't just be forgotten. There has to be something we can do right? Can't I do anything?_ "Evan." He looked up, and saw Jared looking back at him. _Has he been trying to get my attention?_ "Are you ok?"

Evan nodded. "Yup. I'll—I'll be fine." Jared looked doubtful, but just looked back at his phone.

"Here, let's watch some TV. Have you watched Parks and Rec?" Jared quickly put on an episode of the show and Evan quickly became engrossed, hardly noticing Jared was incredibly focused on something on his phone.

The doorbell rang partway through the second episode, and Jared got up. "I know the drill by now. Plus you seem pretty hooked. It only gets better from season one." He set his phone down and walked to the front door, unaware he'd left his phone unlocked. And Evan began to wonder what was distracting him from the episodes. _Why was he so glued to his phone?_ There was only one way to find out. Making sure Jared wouldn't enter any time soon, he got up and looked at the phone. The open app was a text conversation with—

"Zoe?"

 

> ** Zoe Murphy **
> 
> **Yesterday,** 7:12 PM
> 
> This is Jared right? It's Zoe.
> 
> wow its the zoe murphy
> 
> why the hell are u texting me tho
> 
> Because Evan mentioned you and he kinda just stormed out
> 
> Maybe? I'm still super confused :/
> 
> wait what
> 
> evan hansen storming out
> 
> no way
> 
> Yes way
> 
> He talked a lot about wanting to help and wanting to be my friend but…
> 
> but what
> 
> I don't wanna say anything
> 
> But I think I made him angry
> 
> Can you like talk to him and figure out what's going on?
> 
> i mean im not sure y ur asking me but sure i guess
> 
> i can ask him after school tomorrow
> 
> for 2 grand
> 
> $2000?! >:c
> 
> 500
> 
> I think I have 5 $1's somewhere
> 
> fine but ur a dick
> 
> **Today,** 6:53 PM
> 
> so i may have kinda pissed him off more
> 
> What the hell did you do Jared?
> 
> well he told me all about what happened yesterday
> 
> Shit. :|
> 
> yeah but i mean he was totally being a dick so dnt worry about it
> 
> o u were referring to the fact that he likes u
> 
> yeah i knew about that
> 
> Real assuring, Jared.
> 
> How did you make him angrier?
> 
> i mightve implied that things would b going back to normal soon
> 
> by which i mean i straight up told him that people would forget abt connor in a week
> 
> You absolute fuckin dick
> 
> Like what the actual shit?
> 
> look its not my fault cultural amnesias a bitch
> 
> but believe it or not i think theres a silver lining here
> 
> How? >:/
> 
> i didnt just make him angry
> 
> i got him thinking
> 
> Why is that good?
> 
> did u ever see that awful video of him giving or rather not giving that daisy buchanan speech
> 
> Weren't you the one that took that video? :/
> 
> irregardless
> 
> to make up for the credit he lost he redid the speech for a smaller group and wrote the most brilliant fucking essay ive ever seen
> 
> there were visuals and explanations and diagrams and shit
> 
> he could have that shit peer reviewed and nobody would think it was written by a high schooler
> 
> o yeah and he made a fucking diorama
> 
> my point being
> 
> when evan starts thinking when he gets committed
> 
> hes fucking unstoppable and hes the most goddamn persuasive guy ive ever met
> 
> What does that mean for us?
> 
> mark my words hes going to do something thatll blow us all away
> 
> i just dont know what it is yet ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> So is he gonna start talking to me again or?
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Do you use literally any other emojis or?
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Yeah shoulda figured
> 
> Well thanks for trying to help.
> 
> I really hope you're right.

 

Evan tried to process the conversation. Jared had literally never said anything that nice about him ever. Maybe about anyone ever, besides himself. Looking over, he realized Jared wasn't wrong. He had been thinking. Although he'd almost forgotten about that other part of the speech. He mostly just remembered the part when he embarrassed himself. _But wait, I only redid the speech for the teacher. How did Jared know I had redone it at all? And how did he read the essay?_

"Hope you're hungry, because we're eating super unhealthy tonight!" Evan quickly jumped back in his chair before Jared could see he was reading his texts. "Man, you're really focused on that show."

Evan nodded a bit too quickly. "I really like Leslie."

Jared chuckled and replied, "I'm more of a Tom myself."

"Of course you are." The two laughed and tuned back in, eating pizza as both secretly wondered what big idea Evan was going to come up with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm actually uploading not like at midnight. Progress!  
> Yeah so adapting any actual scene into this fic is so, so hard and I hate it but I love the end result. I'm getting pretty close to the end of act one, so thats super cool. A lot is similar through the end of act one, but I'll add enough to try and keep some intrigue.  
> Thanks for all of the kudos, comments, etc. I'm really glad you seem to be liking this fic. If you want to talk with me about the awe au or just about deh (or heathers or bmc or really any musical theater) I have a tumblr ive just completely forgotten to mention it. It's official-didney-worl-elmo. Shoot me a message and just let me know you want to talk, or if you want to talk about anything (e.g. "Michael Mell and Jared Kleinman are gay boyfriends, thoughts?") Thanks for all the support!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared attempts to solve one of Evan's problems and Evan realizes he hasn't been taking care of himself properly.

He couldn't see anything. He could barely see his hands in front of his face. It was somehow the only thing Evan could focus on and yet… he didn't. He just started walking, walking through the endless darkness. He could almost make out figures, and knew who they were but he kept walking past them. He wanted to stop, but couldn't will himself to do so. A voice caught him off guard.

"You're the most persuasive guy I've ever met. You're unstoppable. You're going to blow us all away." He turned around, and the voice was familiar, but he couldn't place who it belonged to.

"Jared?" He called out into the blackness, unsure if he had even made a sound.

"People are forgetting, Evan. We're at the peak." Evan backed up, looking for the voice's owner to no avail. "This is where you leap into action. Come up with some plan. But what is it?" He felt a hand on his shoulder and he was quickly turned around. The voice did not belong to Jared. "Don't let them forget about me, Evan."

"Connor!"

Evan woke with a start. His dreams weren't usually that vivid. And despite everything he almost never saw Connor in them. And Connor had never given him such a powerful and vivid message. _This is too much to think about, I literally just woke up._ Evan decided to focus on the weird dream when he had time. For now, he had to get up.

He tried sitting up, but two things disoriented him immediately. First of all, he was on his bed. Not in it, but lying on top of the blankets, _sideways_. Secondly it was dark outside. Like, really dark outside? _Did I take another nap? No, Jared came over remember. He put on Parks and Rec and then…. Wait what happened after that?_ Evan patted his pants ( _Did I not change into PJs?_ ) and pulled out his phone revealing the time.

"It's only nine thirty?" No, that couldn't be right. He usually stayed up much later than that, and he knew he hadn't slept when he'd gotten home from school. He had been awake for about fifteen seconds and he was already confused.

"Oh, good, you're up." _Jared's coming in through the window, which… Yeah, ok whatever. Wait what?_ "So you need to text your mom and tell her I'm staying the night before you doze off again." He set a large, overstuffed backpack on the floor.

"Um…no?"

"Yeah that wasn't a suggestion. You're going to text your mom or I'm gonna steal your phone and text her for you."

"Jared why did you come in through the window?"

"Well I figured it was quieter than going through the front door, and I had to get some stuff so I didn't want to wake you if you were asleep."

"Why did you have to get some stuff?"

"Because you don't have clothes that fit me and your soap makes me smell like I fucked a tree."

"No, like… why are you staying the night?"

"You fell asleep during like, the fourth or fifth episode of Parks and Rec, which was strange because it was only like eight thirty. So I texted Alana and she said you had been out of it all day. She said you stayed in your seat for three straight minutes after the bell rang staring at the floor. And as she took you to the nurse's office to see if you were sick you just walked into your next class, completely blowing her off. So I woke you up and led you to your bed, whereupon you fell on top of it and slept while I grabbed stuff from my house." Jared was clearly annoyed, which made Evan annoyed in turn.

"Well I wasn't sick, I'm fine."

"Not sick and fine are two very different things. Have you been sleeping?" This was a straight up accusation. No subtlety to it at all.

"Yes! God! I mean, I woke up in the middle of last night but—"

"What time did you go to sleep last night?"

"I dunno, like midnight maybe? I don't keep track of this kind of thing."

"Bullshit. What was the last time you checked your phone?"

 _Is he being an even bigger asshole right now or am I just really tired?_ "…Like three."

"Ok, see, that's not a good sign. And what time did you wake up?"

"Six fifteen."

"Ok, wow. So three hours is already bad, but I asked what time you woke up, not what time your alarm went off, and you already told me you woke up in the middle of the night. Or early morning as the case may be for you."

 _Ok so maybe it's both._ "…Fine. I woke up at like four I think? But I went right back to sleep." Jared stared at him in disbelief. "Ok fine, I just stayed in bed with my eyes closed trying to sleep and completely failing. You happy now?"

"Evan you can't be doing the shit you're doing on one hour of sleep, you need to take care of yourself. You've been forgetting to eat, you're definitely not sleeping well. Are you taking your pills?"

Evan rolled his eyes. "Yes, _mom._ It's not like they make that much of a difference I'm still a wreck no matter what."

Jared shook his head. "I'm not having this conversation, I just need to know you're taking them."

"Why do you care so much Jared? What difference does it make if I'm getting sleep? Why is it important that I'm doing ok?"

Jared eyes opened wide. "Because people care about you, you piece of shit! Your mother cares, and Alana cares, and Zoe cares, and I care." He sighed. "We don't want to see you hurt. I mean, fuck. And I hate that I'm getting so worked up about this because I know how awful people treat you and… and how awfully I treated you. How badly I _treat_ you. But you keep doing this stupid shit, like sabotaging yourself and pushing people who care about you away and that really hurts." The two stayed quiet, not looking at each other. "…why haven't you been sleeping?"

Evan sighed, frustrated. "Sometimes I get good dreams, but mostly… They're just really, really awful nightmares. And when they wake me up, I don't want to go back to sleep." Evan took a breath. "Like last night."

"…What was the dream that woke you up?"

Evan fell back onto his bed and covered his eyes with his hands. "Just that stupid tree dream again. I told you about it."

Jared frowned. "No. No you didn't."

 _Why can't I lie? No, why can't I lie to_ Jared _?_ Evan sat back up. "So there's this—this stupid dream that I've had ever since this summer. I'm climbing a tree, but the tree never really stops, it just gets higher and higher. And I'm—I'm just climbing as high as I can, and when I look down the ground is just so, so far away. And then, invariably, something happens and I fall. Like-like-like sometimes I lose my footing, or a branch disappears or-or… but I fall. And as I fall, I start seeing people and… and I just know that they hate me. They're-they're thinking of… of all the ways I-I-I –I disappoint them. And, I feel like I'm falling forever. But I hit the ground eventually. I have to."

Jared cleared his throat. "Is, um… Is that where the dream ends?"

Evan winced. "On a good night."

"And um," Jared coughed, "last night?"

Evan shook his head. "I was just there, in awful, agonizing pain. In my arms, my back, my head, it's just, it's just searing pain all over. And um, I try to call for help but nothing comes out. And um, I see people, people I know in the distance. And I know—I know they see me, but they don't help. So 'm just on the forest floor, in pain, forever, until something awful or shocking wakes me up. Like, um, somebody appearing and just like... telling me I don't matter. And, it just sucks—"

Before he knew what was happening, Jared had him wrapped up in a hug. His voice sounded choked up as he told Evan, "Of course you matter." Evan wasn't prepared, but he hugged Jared back. Something inside him changed and he just began crying. "Don't ever think you don't, you piece of shit." Evan laughed through his tears.

"You know, for someone who-who claims to care about me, you insult me a lot."

"That's how I show affection, assface." Evan laughed at this and the two pulled away, slightly smiling in the awkward aftermath.

"I mean…" _Don't do it._ "I guess it's fine if you stay the night." _Oh my God._ "I'll set up the couch." Evan moved to the door but Jared put his hand up.

"No, no, no, Hansen. My purpose for being here is to monitor and regulate your sleep schedule. Meaning I have to be in here to make sure you actually fall asleep." He reached into his bag and pulled out a sleeping bag, which he set up on the floor at the end of Evan's bed. "Text your mom." Evan obediently pulled out his phone and shot a quick text asking if Jared could stay over to his mom, who was of course fine and slightly ecstatic with the development. He put his phone down as Jared finished setting up his things in the bedroom. "Ok, so we're going to do whatever we need to do to get you asleep immediately because something tells me you didn't have that much sleep the night before last either. Every so often I'll check if you're awake. If you are give me some sign, a 'yep,' a 'what's up,' a grunt even. Got it?"

Evan grunted, causing Jared to chuckle. "Maybe I should set bubble wrap around your bed. Or sleep in front of the door in case you feel tempted to leave in the middle of the night. We'll figure it out. I'm gonna use the bathroom for a sec, 'kay?" Evan grunted again. "Ok, words are good too sometimes, dick." He smiled as he left the room. Evan stared at the door until he heard a ping from Jared's sleeping bag. He'd already done enough snooping that evening but…

He willed himself over to Jared's sleeping bag and cautiously grabbed Jared's phone to read the text he had received.

 

 

 

> _Messages                                                                                                                              now_
> 
> **Alana-lana-bo-bana Banana-fanna-fo-fan…**
> 
> Are you staying with him? He just seemed like he wasn't doing well. And I mean, really I should talk to him soon. Do you really believe that he's got an idea? I mean, I know how smart Evan can be, I just don't want to pressure him too much. I mean, I know how much you…

_How much he what? You know what, don't worry about it. This has been yet another strange night and as much as it pains to say it, Jared's right about the sleep thing. Just… get ready for bed._ So he did. He began by setting his alarms and proceeded to do all the things to make sure he could sleep properly. He had just taken off his sleep shirt when the door opened behind him.

"Ok, so maybe the bubble wrap idea was excessive—" Evan craned his neck, and seeing Jared in the doorway began blushing. Jared didn't stare or say anything, simply gave the shirtless Evan a look of pure neutrality. Evan quickly put his sleep shirt on, covering his torso. _AAAAAAAHHHHH WHY WHY WHY WHY_. "Really? Your pajamas are blue too?" Evan shrugged and began to say something, but Jared merely replied, "Right, your signature color. Well bathrooms ready if you need to brush your teeth or anything." Evan quickly rushed to the bathroom and did just that and washed his face. By the time he had finished the blood had left his face and he felt fine, and almost weird for freaking out so suddenly about it. He just didn't like removing his clothing in front of others, he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like he had a bad body but— _OH MY GOD we are not going over your body image issues right now. Ok? We're just gonna finish up in here and head back._

Evan made sure all the lights were out and everything was put away from their pizza this afternoon. When he returned to the room Jared had already begun strategizing the best way to prevent Evan from waking; the lights were off, his sleeping bag was placed in a way that would make it difficult to exit the room, and he was muttering furiously and seemed to be trying to figure out if there was any way to actually make sure Evan slept without actively watching him. "Oh good, you're back. What will help you sleep better?"

"Probably not being watched in my sleep." Jared stared back, unamused. "Really, I'll be fine. Just make yourself comfortable. We have some more blankets in the closet if you need them, and I think I've got a few pillows somewhere."

"Thanks, but I'm covered." Jared pulled out one of those specialized pillows with those microbeads or whatever. He also pulled out... a pair of headphones?

"Why do you have headphones?"

Jared looked down, a little sheepishly. "I usually need some noise in the background, like white noise or rain, or even music more recently. But I was afraid that may have distracted you so I brought headphones just in case."

Evan looked intrigued. "What kind of music?"

Jared looked up surprised. "Well um, there's that one song that was like specifically made to be relaxing, and that was going around the internet for ages. There's just some chill songs that help me sleep if I'm having a not-so-great night."

"Can I hear one?"

Jared looked skeptical, but nodded. "Ok." He looked through his phone and eventually found one he wanted to hear. "I think we could both use this song tonight." The gentle synths and piano melody relaxed Evan, and the light singing on top of the track made evan smile a little bit. The lyrics in the chorus really caught his attention though.

" _You've got it all/you lost your mind in the sound./There's so much more,/you can reclaim your crown./You're in control,/rid of the monsters inside your head./Put all your faults to bed,/you can be king again."_

"Wow, that's, um… that's a really good song. What's it called?"

"It's called 'King.' It's by this British singer Lauren Aquilina. I found it in some youtube video ages ago."

"You know… you don't have to… you don't have to use headphones. Like, it's probably really dangerous to wear them while you're sleeping and I mean… it's not going to wake me up."

Jared shrugged. "Whatever works for you. Ok, now get in bed Evan. It's almost ten, so if we can get you asleep by eleven then you'll get about seven hours of sleep which is what most adults get and more than most teens get. Anything else we need to do?"

Evan shook his head, getting under the covers. "Nope, just music and sleep."

"Now remember the plan, I'll ask if you're up—"

"And I'll grunt."

"Or like actually say something but whatever. And I'll stop when I'm sure you're asleep."

Evan felt himself get drowsier as he just lay in bed. Jared checked intermittently, but despite his fears, the checks didn't wake him up and he felt himself get more tired.

"You awake Evan?"

"Uh-huh."

"Ok."

"Hey Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"…Anytime, dude."

* * *

 

Evan felt ridiculously refreshed the next day at school. According to Jared he had fallen asleep by 10:30 at the latest and neither him nor Jared remembered him waking up in the middle of the night. He didn't remember anything in particular from his dreams, but remembered they were not bad and some of them were even pleasant. As he sat down for lunch he remembered he had to do something, and though it sucked he could no longer put it off, and lunch was the best chance he was going to get to say what he needed to say.

 

 

 

> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Hey
> 
> So I know you're probably still dealing with this sudden influx of friends and might not see this text right away
> 
> But I wanted to apologize.
> 
> I behaved like a real jerk the other day and that was like not cool at all.
> 
> My premise was really flawed and I just can't apologize enough for the stupid things I said
> 
> And I mean just because my feelings were hurt I shouldn't have said that I couldn't be around you
> 
> I mean really, I was just confused mostly.
> 
> You were asking me to tell you the truth and then telling me to say something that wasn't true.
> 
> I don't know if we ever could've dated or if we could date or whatever, but I don't want to completely eliminate that possibility
> 
> I know, I was being really stupid for the sake of "getting over you"
> 
> I was an idiot and I'm sorry for what I said
> 
> Also I think I may have been tired? Like it's been pointed out to me recently that my sleep habits are not that healthy
> 
> Alana mentioned that you were acting strange yesterday.
> 
> Yeah. Jared actually stayed over to make sure I got some sleep.
> 
> Never thought he'd do anything like that.
> 
> Jared thinks a lot of you, believe it or not.
> 
> I guess I never realized.
> 
> But with the whole…"liking you" thing I just
> 
> I'm going to try and stop pursuing that.
> 
> That's such a weird way to phrase it sorry.
> 
> But basically I was an idiot and we don't have to stop hanging out.
> 
> Although maybe you should wait a few days until I've fixed my sleep schedule somewhat because I'm kind of a mess right now
> 
> But you don't have to wait either.
> 
> How about this: if we see each other we see each other.
> 
> And we're not going to act weird about it.
> 
> Sound good?
> 
> Sounds perfect.

He finished the text conversation and looked up to see Alana sitting across from him.

"Oh hey Alana."

"Hey. Look, I don't have much time now, but we should probably talk soon. I had some ideas I wanted to run by you."

Evan nodded. "Sounds good." Alana got up and left to help run some activity or another at lunch. _Wait, what did she want to talk about? Should I take this chance to ask what she and Jared were talking about?_ Evan's mind raced about talking to Alana yet again as he saw Jared walking around the cafeteria, selling buttons with Connor's face on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think theres like one more chapter before the disappear scene? Or maybe it starts in the next chapter I'm not sure. But yeah King is an awesome song and if you've heard it, you might know the video youtube Jared is referring to. Agh I want to say more but I'm super tired and I have to wake up early. As always I love the comments and kudos you leave, it really makes me smile. If you want to discuss this fic or deh or musical theater with me you should message me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alana talks to Evan and Evan almost has an epiphany.

Almost an entire week passed and Evan just felt like _bleh_. He could sum up the number of events that transpired in a very short list: 1. The Murphy's had invited him over for dinner again. He had a lot of homework that night so he declined. 2. He had run into Zoe twice. It wasn't actually that awkward. 3. He had written at least one essay for a contest. The first draft was not great but he was too exhausted to rewrite it for at least another few days. 4. He had gotten through season three of Parks and Rec. 5. He had a dream(?) that Jared had come into his room to check that he was sleeping at appropriate times. Jared denied ever doing this but Evan wasn't so sure. He kept his window locked after that night. Although he had been too spaced out to notice the gradual return to normal, he was about to be reminded.

He was in the middle of an episode (Parks and Rec of course. _Jared may be an asshole sometimes but he's got good taste in shows_ ) when an unfamiliar alarm came from his computer. He had to sort through all of the applications he never bothered to close but eventually found an explanation in a video chat app he rarely used. He accepted the call and Alana was staring right at him.

"Everybody has forgotten about Connor!" _Well, hello to you too Alana._ "A week ago the whole school was wearing those wristbands and buttons with his face on them."

"Yeah, but do you really think Jared should've been making money off of that?"

Alana ignored him. Or maybe the video chat was slow, and his audio hadn't gotten through. In either case, Alana continued without acknowledging Evan's question. "People were talking to each other that had never talked to each other before, and now it's all gone. Completely. You can't let this happen."

"Well, I know but—"

"Maybe you could ask Zoe to do something. Or maybe you could do something together."

"Zoe?"

"She's the perfect person to help get people interested again. She was literally his sister."

"Again, Alana, I didn't actually know Connor. There's not much I can do. And I don't know if that's the best way to get people to remember him."

"Well I guarantee you if you don't do something, then no one will remember him. Is that what you want?"

"Why don't you do something then? Why don't you ask Zoe for help? Why are you pushing all of this onto me?"

"Because I thought you of all people would understand, Evan."

Evan ran a hand through his hair. "No, no, I do it's just… what's with the second person? ' _You_ can't let this happen.' ' _You_ should do something with Zoe.' ' _You_ need to do something.' Why does the burden fall on me?"

"I didn't mean—Oh my god, I didn't realize. I'm just so busy."

"Well, maybe I'm busy too. And I can't just do this by myself."

"Well somebody has to do it."

"Why? Why does somebody have to do it?"

"Because if people forget about Connor then nobody will talk to me anymore." The confession came as unsurprising for its honesty, not for the confession itself. Evan was getting sort of used to confessing things and having things confessed to him, which was strange in and of itself.

"You don't really believe that do you?"

"Dana P thought that I texted her by mistake this afternoon. Nobody really talks to me, I'm just… on the outside, and I'm always looking in. Like, no matter how I try to speak nobody will hear me but there's no answer in sight."

"Don't you think I know exactly how that feels? Like, I'll never be more than I've always been. Like, I'm waving through a window. I'm tapping on the glass and I'm watching the people walking by. And I can't see if anybody's waving back."

"Really?"

Evan sighed. "How do you think I broke my arm? I fell from a tree and nobody was there."

Alana winced. "I guess we are alike."

"Look, I'll still talk to you. And Jared is a jerk but he can talk. He can talk…. And I mean Zoe! Why don't you ask her for help?" Alana blushed, but refused to answer. "Right, right. So why did you think I'd be able to talk to her?"

"…You're in a really good place with her. You're trying to be a good friend who's respectful of her feelings and not smother her or ghost on her. I'm just the girl who got her homework for her while she took a few days off to cope."

"You don't really think she sees you that way, do you?" Alana shrugged. "You were the first one to offer help. You didn't ask any questions, you were just there for her unconditionally. I promise she'll want to talk with you after it all."

"…I'm sorry, I'm just stressed. And Jared thought you'd have an idea by now and everything is falling apart. And I don't mean to pressure you it's just that I don't know anyone with your ideas and your determination, and—"

"Alana, slow down." Suddenly something clicked in his brain. _This seems very familiar._ "Wait Alana, how have you been sleeping?"

Alana looked confused at this question. "Fine I guess?"

"And do you have any medications you should be taking that you might've forgotten?" She shook her head. "Have you been eating?"

Alana thought about it for a second. "I mean I think so—"

"When was the last time you ate? Like, the last time you're positive food entered your mouth?"

Alana looked down, unable to say for a few seconds. "My parents and I had dinner together last night."

"Go eat something right now, I promise you'll feel so much better."

"How'd you know something was up?"

"You and I are a lot alike." The two shared a smile.

"I'm sorry if it felt like I was pressuring you or something. I just…I've never seen anybody as dedicated as you when you set your mind to something. And Jared said you would have an idea for what to do by now."

"I mean, I've been thinking. I just feel like not all the pieces are there yet. And really I needed some time to learn to take care of myself. I just don't know what to do yet."

"You'll let me know when you do?"

Evan smiled. "You'll be the first person I tell."

"Ok. I'll go make dinner. Take care of yourself Evan."

"Take care of yourself Alana." Evan ended the call, but he noticed the pressure didn't go away. He still felt like he was just on the verge of an epiphany, but he couldn't reach it yet. He tried throwing himself into another episode but he just couldn't shut his brain off. _Is this the anxiety or is this just my brain trying to get to the realization quicker?_

A messenger tone provided a useful distraction for about two seconds, until he realized who it was from. "Why doesn't Jared just text me?"

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> hey alana just txted me
> 
> sounds like u helped her quite a bit
> 
> but she also told me what she said and i had to clarify something
> 
> i didnt mean to inadvertently put pressure on u (via alana)
> 
> like i know u didnt know each other but
> 
> i can tell this connor thing is like hella important to u
> 
> &i know u dont want to let him fade away any more than she does
> 
> or zoe does
> 
> and i mean u hav good ideas
> 
> sometimes
> 
> once in a blue moon
> 
> but i have faith in u
> 
> also wanna make sure ur taking ur meds
> 
> and eating
> 
> wanna make sure ur practicing what u preach
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Yes I am
> 
> It's been good
> 
> I'm doing good
> 
> I'm just watching Parks and Rec
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> what episode u on
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Ummmmm
> 
> "Trial of Leslie Knope"
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> great episode
> 
> great discussion of what a good person is
> 
> ull lov it
> 
> u been sleeping
> 
> lots of sleeping
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Yeah
> 
> Sleeping well
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> good
> 
> cos otherwise id have to sneak into ur room and make sure u slept
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Don't even joke about that
> 
> I just can't help but feel I'm on the verge of a great idea
> 
> I just can't get there.
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> i have faith in u bro
> 
> dont worry abt it too much
> 
> itll come to u
> 
> i know it will

Despite Jared's encouraging words, Evan felt no closer to an idea. He groaned, frustrated. "What am I supposed to do?" He asked to no one in particular. "Who am I supposed to talk to?" He sighed and put his head in his hands.

"You can talk to me." Evan turned his head, and if he hadn't known it was impossible, he would've sworn Connor Murphy was standing in his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the others but I thought that ending it with a Sudden Connor(tm) would be more effective than stopping it just before disappear or making an extra long chapter with disappear.  
> Next Chapter is disappear. Chapter after that should be you will be found. End of act 1. and act 2 is where it all goes down. I'm so excited to share what I have planned for this fic.  
> As always thanks for comments, kudos, reads, I'm almost at a thousand hits and at like 70 kudos and that's so awesome, thanks for your continued support. If you want to talk about deh or musical theater or even this fic message me on tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo, I'd love to obsess over musicals or talk to you about the one I'm trying to write. Thanks again for the support.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan has an epiphany, and everyone agrees that no one deserves to disappear.

"Connor? But-but you're…"

"Dead?" _That's not actually Connor. Just your mind imagining things. Right? It has to be._ No matter what he told himself he couldn't shake the odd feeling he had, and "Connor" was not going to leave any time soon.

"Am I just… I mean, are you a—Am I hallucinating or are you actually magic? Like, are you actually a ghost?"

Connor smirked and gave a slightly apologetic shrug. "Let's keep it vague. It's more interesting that way."

"Oh… good." _Great. Just what I need. More uncertainty._

"Uncertainty is a part of life." _Wait did he just—_ "Yes, I can hear your thoughts. Chalk it up to ghostly powers, or your subconscious trying to process things. Whatever."

"I need to get out more. I need to talk to somebody. Anybody."

"I just said you can talk to me." Evan didn't reply. "Unless you have _other_ options."

Evan stared down, defeated. "I just don't know what to do."

"Look, Zoe, my parents, they need you. You are the only person who can make sure everybody doesn't just forget me." _That's… a lot of pressure to put on one person. And I can't do much now._ "Oh, right, they already did."

"After two whole weeks..." Evan rolled his eyes, frustrated at his school. _Jared was right, cultural amnesia's a bitch._

"You got that right. And once everybody forgets about me what happens to you? I mean, nobody cares about people like us."

"People like us?"

"Connor Murphy, the kid who threw a printer at Mrs. G in the second grade? Or Evan Hansen, the guy who stood outside a jazz band concert trying to talk to Zoe Murphy, but his hands were too sweaty."

"That's… that's done now. And everybody is just expecting something from me. They're all expecting too much. What happens when they see I can't live up to expectations? That-that I'm just…" He sighed. "Evan Hansen. Anxious teen. Nervous wreck. A mess."

"Are they wrong to expect something from you? I mean, why do you think you can't do it? Why are you looking at this as a burden rather than an opportunity?"

_An opportunity?_

"Look, guys like you and me, we're just the losers who keep waiting to be seen." Evan looked away, forced to face his own perception of himself. "Right? I mean, no one seems to care or stops to notice that we're there, so… we get lost in the in-between." _Is this supposed to be helping?_ "But–! If you can somehow keep them thinking of me, and make me more than an abandoned memory… well that means we matter too. It means someone will see that you are there…" _How do I do that though?_ Evan shook his head. _Maybe I should just… Maybe I should just let myself be—_ "No one deserves to be forgotten. No one deserves to fade away; no one should come and go and have no one know they were ever even here. No one deserves to disappear."

 _Disappear._ Evan looked up with dawning understanding and nodded. "It's true."

"And even if you've always been that barely in the background kind of guy—"

"You still matter."

"And even if you're somebody who can't escape the feeling that the world's passed you by—"

"You still matter!"

"If you never get around to doing some remarkable thing—"

"That doesn't mean that you're not worth remembering!" Evan stood up

"Think of the people who need to know." _They need to know!_ "So you need to show them!" _I need to show them!_ Evan opened his computer and started typing madly, collecting all of his thoughts. There it was. The epiphany. It wasn't just about Connor. It was about anybody who had any doubt that it mattered that they were here. It was about making sure nobody disappeared.

He created an abstract, a step-by-step plan, possible actions the group could take, it just flowed out of him. He took highlights from all of his writings and combined them into a pamphlet that he could show to explain to people. All he needed was a name. The apparition in his room smirked as he looked for a suggestion. The answer was obvious. He printed out the pamphlet, folded it, and looked at his handiwork: **THE CONNOR PROJECT**. He sat back satisfied, coming off of the rush of finally figuring something out. He stayed there for a few minutes, eyes closed as he let his heartbeat slow and took in what he had just done. His train of thought passed every track it could find, until it screeched to a halt at one thought in particular. He quickly grabbed his laptop again and opened his messages, creating a new group. 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
> 
> All you want is for somebody to find you
> 
> **Alana Beck**
> 
> …?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> evan what the hell are you talking about
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Meet me in the computer lab tomorrow before first period begins
> 
> **Alana Beck**
> 
> Why?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> oh my god u son of a bitch
> 
> he did it
> 
> **Alana Beck**
> 
> What do you mean?
> 
> What did he do?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> just be there tomorrow morning

 It was exhilarating. He could feel the dream/ghost Connor encouraging him as he thought about what he would do tomorrow. He sat back down, almost too excited to continue watching Parks and Rec. Almost.

* * *

 "When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around

All you want is for somebody to find you

When you're falling in a forest and when you hit the ground

All you need is for somebody to find you"

* * *

 "I'm calling it 'The Connor Project.'" Evan was showing the pamphlet to Jared and Alana after giving them a brief explanation of what had happened last night (sans ghost Connor).

"The Connor Project?" Jared repeated.

Evan continued. "A student group dedicated to keeping Connor's memory alive, to showing that everybody should matter, everybody is important." Jared took the pamphlet and began reading.

Alana seemed impressed. "I am so honored. I would love to be vice president of The Connor Project." Jared looked over at her with reasonable concern.

Evan's eyes opened wide with surprise, and he nodded quickly. "Vice president…?" Jared's head turned back to Evan. He realized he probably wasn't masking his confusion well. _Well, I mean that shouldn't be too surprising, I guess. I mean it is Alana._

"You're right," Jared turned back to Alana, "We should be co-presidents!" _Ok that's probably to be expected._

Evan shrugged nervously. "Uh, yeah, no, definitely, that works for me." And Jared turned back to Evan.

Alana grabbed Jared's arm and his head turned once more. It reminded Evan of the spectators at a tennis match. "You can be treasurer," she said, "or secretary. Unfortunately, the co-president position has already been filled."

Jared nodded slowly. "Well, _shit._ " He looked down at the pamphlet again. "Guess I'm gonna have to order new buttons." Jared turned to him, holding up the pamphlet to the button on his shirt. "Unless you think I can fit the words 'Connor Project' on the old buttons." Evan nearly rolled his eyes. Jared turned back to Alana, who he knew would take him seriously, "I mean depending on the font size—"

"No, no, no," he aggressively tapped Jared's shoulder, "do you actually think that we should do this?" He had no idea if the idea was even feasible, much less something that people would want.

Alana stared at him. "Are you kidding? Evan, we _have_ to do this. Not just for Connor. For everyone." She grabbed the pamphlet from Jared and started reading some of Evan's more specific talking points.

Evan nodded. "'Cause no one deserves to be forgotten."

Alana and Jared agreed. "No one deserves to fade away."

"Alright," Alana said, closing the pamphlet, "what do we need to do first? What do we have to do to make this happen?"

Evan grinned. "I have some ideas I can send you at lunch, but I think our first priority should be getting the Murphy's permission."

Alana nodded. "Let's go to their house first thing after school. Jared, can you drive?"

 _Not well._ "Yeah, sure. Evan, you can direct us?" Evan nodded.

"It's settled then. Meet back here after last period." Alana walked out of the computer lab with purpose, clearly excited.

"Yeah, we should probably get to class." Jared took a few steps towards the door before turning around. "I told you you'd come up with something great." Evan looked down, smiling and blushing just the tiniest bit. Maybe this would work. Just maybe.

* * *

 "We're calling it the Connor Project." Evan did everything he could to keep his speech at a pace that the Murphy's could understand. The excitement of what they were doing, combined with the expectation of both him and Alana talking to Zoe and the adrenaline from Jared's reckless driving had gotten him more amped up than he needed to be.

The Murphy's looked at the three teens before them with intrigue. Cynthia and Zoe sat on adjacent sides of the small table while Larry stood behind them. "The Connor Project…" Cynthia repeated.

Evan nodded, quickly taking off his backpack and bringing it in front of him to pull out extra pamphlets as Alana handed her copy to Cynthia. "Imagine a major online presence."

"With links to educational materials." Alana added, beaming at the Murphy's.

"A massive fundraising drive!" Jared joined in.

"To help people like Connor." Evan placed the extra pamphlet on the table, and Cynthia handed her pamphlet to Larry, smiling. He took it with some confusion.

"And for the kickoff event," Alana said, taking a deep breath to emphasize what she was about to say, "an all-school memorial assembly, next week. Students, teachers… whoever wants to can get up and talk about Connor. Talk about his legacy."

"…I don't know what to say." Cynthia looked overwhelmed, and… happy.

Larry looked at the kids with sudden understanding and something that almost resembled trust. "I didn't realize Connor meant this much to people."

"Oh my god," Alana started. _Here we go._ She put her hand on her chest. "He was one of my closest acquaintances. He was my lab partner in chemistry and we presented on _Huck Finn_ together in tenth grade." She shared a small, wistful chuckle with Cynthia. "He was so funny. He kept calling it—Well, instead of _Huck_ Finn…" She looked up, mortified as she realized the anecdote she was telling. Cynthia looked away slowly, Larry looked at Alana in surprise. A small grin broke across Zoe's face. Evan's eyes opened wide with a similar mortification. Jared nearly burst into laughter. _Well there's no going back from that._ Alana gently put her hand on Cynthia's shoulder. "No one else in our class thought of that." _Apparently I was mistaken._

Evan looked to Zoe. Though things had been better, he still couldn't feel he had more apologizing to do to make up for the move he had pulled. But he had to ask this. "For the assembly, I was thinking—I was thinking maybe the jazz band could do something."

Zoe looked slightly surprised. "Oh, yeah, maybe..."

"Great idea, Evan!" Jared said in an over-exaggerated voice, sending panic through every nerve in his body.

"Thank you, Jared." He replied sarcastically, not even fully turning his head to look at him.

Jared came up behind him and whispered, "No sweat!"

Evan turned his head and whispered back. "Seriously, though, I'm done with that, just… stop."

Cynthia stood up, positively exuberant. "Evan this is just—This is wonderful!" She took his hands in hers and began affirming what he had said in the pamphlet. "No one deserves to be forgotten…"

Evan looked up and nodded, eyes nearly watering. "No one deserves to fade away."

Jared coughed. "So, do we have your permission to do this?"

Cynthia vigorously shook her head up and down. "Yes, yes, yes, absolutely, a—a thousand times yes!"

Larry gave a quick nod. "If it means this much to people, how can we say no?"

"Zoe?" Alana gave a tentative look to the confused girl. _This is it. It's all up to her. Huh. All my hopes are pinned on her yet again._

Zoe looked around at all the expectant faces. She took it all in for a moment before shrugging. "Yeah, sure. I guess."

Alana smiled. "Thank you! Thank you all so much!" Zoe gave a small smile, almost imperceptible, but grateful nonetheless.

"Well, we really gotta run." Jared subtly led the other two away from the Murphy's. "Gotta get to planning and starting our social media buzz, you know, figuring out how to run to an assembly. But thank you so much for your time and for letting us honor your son this way." The family followed the three as they made their way to the door. "Goodbye Mr. Murphy, Mrs. Murphy." He raised his eyebrows suggestively before saying, "Zoe." Alana and Evan shared a look before grabbing Jared and literally pulling him across the threshold as Larry shut the door behind them.

The three stood on the door step of the house, silent for a minute. Then Alana grinned, and the three burst into an almost euphoric laughter.

"Ohmigodican'tbelievewe'reactually DOING THIS!" Evan said in a rather high-pitched voice.

Jared nodded. "Yes we are." He looked at Alana. "What did I tell you?" He grabbed firmly Evan's shoulder, "This guy can do anything when he really believes in something!"

"I should've never doubted you Evan," Alana gushed. Evan began blushing profusely. The two others began teasing him about it while they walked up the block to Jared's car. "So, what was that thing with Zoe, Evan?"

"Yeah, are you just…giving up on her?" Jared looked over at Evan.

"I'm done. For now at least." He glanced at Alana as quick as he could, expecting to see relief. Instead he saw confusions. "I mean, I had my shot with her—at least I think… maybe? I dunno, I just… I messed things up with her, and I want to make it right and be her friend. And you know, um, I'm sure… others… like her so… maybe they deserve a chance too?"

Jared processed for a few moments, then nodded with understanding. "Yeah, I already know about Alana's huge lesbian crush on Zoe, so you can drop the cryptic phrasing." Evan sighed in relief, no longer worried about revealing the secret. Alana hit Jared's arm.

"Well, I'm still rooting for you two Evan." Alana quickly assured.

Evan shook his head. "I'm not." He grinned, slightly sad, but knowing that things were happening how they were supposed to. "But I am rooting for you two."

"Hey Alana, what the fuck was that Huck Finn story about?" Evan gave a shocked guffaw at the blunt question, and Alana hid her face in her hands.

"I forgot that's how it ended." She said.

"How did you forget? That's literally the entire story is that he called it 'Fuck Finn.' I mean, he hated reading. Huck Finn is an awful book but I'm not surprised if he managed to slip the word 'fuck' into every book title he read."

Evan interjected, "Actually, I don't think that's true. About the reading. He has, um, a whole bookshelf just filled with as many books as it could hold in his room. You know, I think…" he paused, wondering if maybe he was understanding the teen a little better. "I think he just hated being told what he should think." The other two nodded thoughtfully as the three piled into Jared's car. "So how do we actually start an assembly? Do we go to the principal or—?"

Alana cut him off. "Leave it to me. I work as an office aide and I know every single administrator. I got them to let me replace my gym class with trigonometry."

Jared buckled his seatbelt and started the car. "No fucking way, how the shit did you do that?"

She grinned deviously. "I promised to speedwalk between classes." All three burst out into raucous laughter at this explanation. "I kid you not, I have a fitbit so they know I'm getting exercise." Jared drove rather dangerously, but the three didn't care. They joked, and talked, and planned, and sang along to the radio.

* * *

 "No one deserves to disappear

No one should flicker out or have any doubt

That it matters that they are here

No one deserves                                                    

No one deserves

                                                    No one deserves

To disappear

To disappear, disappear

No one deserves to be forgotten                                                                                   

To disappear

                                                         Disappear

Disappear"

* * *

 The next week rushed by, lost in the frenzy of planning the assembly, starting the Connor Project's official pages, and just doing work on the Connor Project. Even Jared seemed to be working hard to come up with ideas, which surprised Evan but it was appreciated. Evan wished he would stop selling those buttons though. But a week later, here Evan was on the Murphy's doorstep again. Zoe had texted him, saying her mother wanted to give something to him that evening. So he wasn't even surprised when Zoe answered the door.

"Oh. Hey. Um, come in." He walked into the house, not uncomfortably, but not fully comfortable either. "She's upstairs in Connor's room. I'm not sure what was so important that she had to give it to you in person, but…" She shrugged. "She's up there. Go right on in."

"Ok. Thanks." Though things were better between the two of them, he still felt he hadn't fully made up for what he'd done. He was beginning to wonder if he ever would. At least the Jazz Band had agreed to perform. He was worried she would never pass on the request.

He only got about halfway up the stairs before she spoke to him. "Hey, Evan?" He turned around, confused. "Are we…? I mean…" She shook her head. "I'll ask you later. Go. She's really excited for this." Evan smiled and nodded, continuing up to Connor's room.

Cynthia was in there, sitting on her son's bed, looking over various things he had left on his night stand. When she saw Evan, she stood up and smiled, holding out a small piece of fabric. "For tomorrow." He didn't reply, confused. "For the assembly."

"Oh." He still couldn't identify what the scrap of fabric was. It was striped diagonally, white and black. He didn't feel comfortable accepting something when he didn't know what it was.

"When Connor was in seventh grade all my girlfriends said 'here comes bar mitzvah season! He's gonna have a different party every Saturday.' I took him to get a suit, shirts… a tie." _Ohhhh. But why is she giving it to me?_ Cynthia paused. This was clearly not a fond memory. "He didn't get invited to a single one." She looked at the tie again, and Evan saw a twinge of melancholy creep across her face. She quickly looked up and smiled, holding out the tie once more. "I thought you could wear this." He couldn't accept it. "For your speech."

He looked up, confused. "My what?"

"Alana said that anyone who wanted to would have a chance to say something tomorrow and I think we… all assumed that you would sign up, as the co-president."

Evan felt his breaths getting quicker and shallow. He hadn't expected this. His words were barely louder than a mumble. "Um, well, I don't, um…" he inhaled sharply. "Sorry, just—the thing is I don't really do very well with, um, just with public speaking? I-I'm not very good at it, you wouldn't want me to, trust me."

"Of course we would want you to. I'm sure the whole school wants to hear from you, I know Larry and I do." She paused, uncertain how to convince him. "And Zoe." _How do you tell your crush's mom that you're doing everything to ignore those romantic feelings so that you can become her friend and help her family get through a difficult time?_ "Think about it?" _You don't._ He reluctantly accepted the tie. Cynthia gave a quick nod and smiled when he finally accepted. She left the room, leaving him alone with a less corporeal version of Connor in the form of his room.

Evan sat on the bed, thinking over his next decision. _What do I do? I don't want to let everyone down. But then again, hearing the speech will let them down even more, right?_ He looked around, desperate for a distraction, and his eyes settled once more on the bookshelf. Looking around, as if afraid of getting caught, he walked over to see the titles in Connor's library. Maybe he would get a better feeling for who Connor was. Looking at the titles he couldn't immediately identify a pattern in the novels. But slowly, he began to understand several things.

First, he realized that a small few of the books were clearly just for school reading. These were the books in the best condition. He recognized _Of Mice and Men_ , _Fahrenheit 451_ , and sure enough, _Huckleberry Finn_. He decided he could ignore those as they weren't a true reflection of Connor's reading preferences. Second, he realized that the books clearly spanned a wide age range. He noticed some shorter books, such as _Coraline_ and _Matilda_ , and certain books in series, such as _The Lightning Thief,_ that were clearly for younger audiences. He might be able to see how Connor's tastes changed as he grew up. His third realization took the longest to figure out, but was the most obvious in hindsight: Connor didn't stick to a single genre or style. There was teen fiction, (at least that's what _Be More Chill_ appeared to be), horror ( _Carrie_ ), and every genre in-between. He recognized some of the titles ( _Big Fish_ ), but some he had never even heard of ( _Ella Minnow Pea_ ).

As Evan kept looking, he noticed one book stood out. The cover was almost in perfect condition, but he was almost positive the book had never been assigned in any class. Pulling it out and looking through the pages revealed that it was just the outside that was pristine. There were plenty of bookmarks, highlighted passages, underlined words, and even notes written in the margin. _I've never seen a book so marked up. He must've loved this one. But it looks brand new…?_ Evan turned to the title page: _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe._ He flipped a few pages, past the copyright, and stopped on a page with a lot of writing. Evan immediately noticed two different blocks of writing. The first was printed, and must've been the dedication: "To all the boys who've had to learn to play by different rules." Evan assumed it must be a reference to something in the novel. The second note was handwritten, and more personalized: 

 

> So I know this isn't your normal genre of ~~litera~~ books. Well I don’t know if you even have a genre. Or maybe you stopped reading ages ago and just buy those books to fool mom and dad.(ugh) But this is like one of my favorite books, and for some reason I think you'll really like it. Or maybe you'll hate it. Or you'll never read it, Id never know the diference. Anyway, happy birthday, I guess.
> 
> ~Your annoying younger sister, Zoe

Just seeing her name brought him back to reality, back to his decision. A voice that he wasn't entirely sure was there whispered to him. "The choice is yours. To speak or not. To stay silent or to choke. It could go any way. I know my family is counting on you, but don't make this decision for them." He looked up at the bookshelf, half expecting to see the apparition. "Do this for yourself." And suddenly, in the novels on the shelf, and in the notes between the pages of this book, Connor was real. For just a second, Evan fully understood the thing he'd been trying to tell others from the beginning. Connor was a real person, who Evan almost understood. But just as he reached that understanding, he felt like he'd lost it again, leaving him alone looking at a book shelf in a dead kid's room.

He looked at the tie in his hands. He knew what he needed to do. _For you, Connor_. He absentmindedly put the book in his backpack and, wasting no time, walked out of the room, down the stairs, through the front door, and towards his house. He walked as quick as he could back home. After all, he had a speech to write.

* * *

 "To disappear, disappear.

To disappear,  Disappear , disappear.  disappear.

To disappear, Disappear, Disappear, disappear. disappear. Disappear.

To disappear… Disappear… Disappear…

 

 

Disappear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I have a lot to say about this chapter, and I know I do bc I was just finishing the chapter notes when my computer crashed. So first, I hope you liked the slight format change, Disappear just happens to be the first song that Evan is included in that isn't completely changed or removed from AWE. Now, a list of notes:  
> -I forgot to mention last chapter, but I love Alana's short WTaW reprise, which is why some of her dialogue in that chapter referenced it. That reprise is also why she makes a cameo in chapter 1.  
> -The Huck Finn scene is quite possibly the best scene in modern theater history. Every single actor's reaction is perfect.  
> -Kristolyn Lloyd tweeted the Alana taking trig instead of gym if she promised to speed walk. That is canon, nobody can convince me otherwise. (Basically, these first three notes are just Kristolyn Lloyd appreciation)  
> -So yes, Connor and Evan made a cxg reference.  
> -There is a (not so subtle) pattern to Connor's books (Hint 1: the books for school and Zoe's gift don't count, bc Connor didn't pick those out himself) (Hint 2: One book in particular should clearly reveal the pattern)  
> -And speaking of Zoe's gift, who knew she liked A&D, huh? I wonder why... (obvious foreshadowing is obvious)  
> -If this wasnt completely apparent i really love writing friendships and i just want evan, jared, alana, and zoe to be friends and to be happy
> 
> As always I love the kudos and comments, it really makes my day. c: If you want to talk to me on tumblr about AWE or deh or literally musical theater or just anything (pls pls pls) message me, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo. Thanks for your continued support of the fic, I really love that you guys are liking the fic! Next chapter: You will be found, aka end of "act 1." And let me tell you, act 2 is where it gets really interesting. c;


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan gives a speech and everyone reflects on their loneliness.

Evan stood there in the back of the auditorium, waiting for Alana to finish her speech. She had volunteered to go before him, which eased some of his fears. He could still back out if he wanted. Right? He checked he had his notecards, which contained the majority of what he wanted to say. And checked again. And again. The fourth time, he checked the wrong pocket, and for several seconds was confused as to what was occupying that pocket. He reached in and pulled it out.

A tie.

He remembered the reason why he had agreed to do this, he knew why he had to do this. _For Connor_. He carefully placed the tie around his neck, tied it, adjusted it, and checked it, carefully taking his time with each step.  He took out his notecards, and checked that they were in the right order. He rubbed his eyes and wiped his nose on his arm, hoping to prevent any sort of tears from ruining the speech. As Alana finished her speech and gave short introduction for Evan, he felt an odd sense of calm wash over him. This calm was familiar, and unsettling. It was the eye of the storm.

Scattered applause started ringing through the auditorium, and Evan took that as his cue to walk on. As Alana walked off, she passed him, quickly grabbing his shoulder and whispering, "Good luck!" Evan just nodded. _I'm gonna need all the luck I can get._ He walked on he felt everything go still for a second. A spotlight turned on and stayed on him. And that's when he hit the eyewall, the deadliest part of the storm.

If they weren't before, his hands were sweaty. He looked out over the audience and saw the people looking up at him, expectant. He looked around for anybody he could recognize, but he realized that wasn't many people. He saw Cynthia and Larry, looking at him with anticipation. He glanced around, looking backstage at Alana, who gave an encouraging look. He kept looking, and the audience got restless, coughing and whispering. All of a sudden he realized who he was looking for. _Where the hell is Jared?_ Although his eyes wandered, they landed, if only for a moment, on Zoe, sitting there in the middle of the jazz band in the audience. Slowly but surely, she gave a nod. _Now or never._

He looked down to his notecards, feeling himself begin to hyper-ventilate. He whispered, not trusting his own voice, "Good morning…" He cleared his throat and spoke in what he hoped was a presentation voice, but was probably just a bit too loud. "Good morning, um… students and faculty I just…" The words on his note card became blurry and unfocused. "…Would like to say a few words… to you today about… a classmate of mine. Connor Murphy." His voice sounded stressed, like he was trying too hard to speak with a sore throat. _I might as well be._ He put the first card at the back of the pile.

"I'd like to tell you about my last interaction with him, on the first day of school." His hand went to his face. He knew how dictated his speech was. He couldn't bear to look up from his notecards at the judgmental audience. "I was there in the computer lab. It was after the final period because um… because I had to work on an assignment for um…" _Just ignore it for now_. "But, I-I thought I was alone in the computer lab until I heard his voice." Next card.

"He asked about my cast. He noticed that nobody had signed it all day and-and-and… he offered to sign it. I, um, I said he didn't have to but he insisted. He grabbed my arm and-and signed it in big block letters as um, as you can see." He realized he had missed something. "That's not…" He looked at the next card and saw the missing piece.

"I, um—He interrupted my thoughts and asked how I broke my arm. I told him that… that I fell. From a tree. Which he thought… he thought that was pretty sad and I… I have to agree, but he…" Next card.

"Good morning students and… faculty…" _They're out of order. I'm going to ruin this speech and they're all going to laugh at me and everyone will hate me and the Murphy's are going to regret meeting me and Alana's going to kick me out of the Connor project and Zoe's never going to be my friend and Jared…_ "Sorry…" he muttered. He quickly flipped through all of his note cards to see what had happened. He could no longer read any of the words on the cards. His hands frantically searched until the cards flew out of his hands and onto the floor. He reached down to collect the cards, but once he was kneeling on the ground he could not will himself to get up.

He couldn't see the audience anymore. He looked out into the distance, past the peers and teachers, past the parents, past the edge of the auditorium, past everything. The silence was deafening, judging him and laughing at his failure. _Why did I think I could do this?_ He looked down at his cards, then looked back up. He didn't know how to go on. His hands absentmindedly went to the tie, began fiddling with it against his wishes. _I'm sorry Connor._ As he looked at the tie a sudden rush of thoughts came at him.

 

_"We have to do this._

**_"Evan this is probably a dumb question but are you ok?"                                                           _ "Now we can both pretend we have friends."**

_ "I told you you'd come up with something great." _ "I'm proud of you already."

_"You keep sabotaging yourself "Of course you matter."_          **"I'm sure the whole school wants to hear from you."**

~~"This was always going to be a mess."~~ _Not just for Connor._                                        "It seems more people are signing your cast."

"I feel like you're not present a lot of the time, Evan."               ** _"I think we could be friends."_**

_and pushing people who care about you away_ **"Think of the people who need to know."**            **"So quiet for all those big thoughts, so lonely."**

_For everyone."_ ~~"I didn't realize Connor meant this much to people."~~

_"Two lonely kids. Made sense in my mind I guess." and that really hurts."_

**"Do this for yourself."**

 

And suddenly Evan knew that the cards didn't matter. The Connor Project wasn't just about Connor. It was about anybody who felt they could disappear and nobody would notice. It was about people like himself. Slowly, Evan stood up, and the world started to come back into focus. He could see Cynthia and Larry, who looked guilty for putting him up there. He saw Zoe, leaning forward and mouthing something he couldn't make out. He saw Alana in his periphery, ready to run out and help him. He saw his peers, who were not laughing, but looking at him with concern.

Evan tried to collect his thoughts. _This is for people like you. So what do you need to tell people who feel like you do?_ He put his notecards back in his pocket. "Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like… you could fall… and no one would hear? That's how it felt when I broke my arm, and-and that's how I felt that day at school. But for just a second, when he signed my cast, I realized that I wasn't alone. That, um, Connor understood what I was going through, and that, that maybe he was going through it too. That's the gift Connor gave me. To show me that I wasn't alone, to show me… uh, that I matter. Everybody does! That's—that's the gift that he gave all of us. I just wish… I wish we could've given that to him."

He gulped. He could feel all the eyes in the room on him now. Or maybe he was imagining it. But for once he didn't care. "So… let that lonely feeling wash away. Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be ok, 'cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand, you can reach… reach out your hand. And, oh… someone will come running, and I know they'll take you home."

He stopped and looked down at his tie. He took a deep breath and continued. "He um, he had grabbed my assignment from the printer and he had to leave quickly, which… which led to a lot of rumors and misunderstanding. But honestly my biggest regret was not going after him when he left. I was scared… but he probably was too. And, I just… I just wish I'd been brave enough to follow him. And help him. Because I know how he felt. And I'm afraid a lot of you do too. But um, he needed to hear something that… something that I need to say today."

The silence changed, full of anticipation and waiting. "Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you're broken on the ground… you will be found. So, let the sun come streaming in, 'cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again. Lift your head and look around; you will be found." Evan continued, but he hardly knew what he was saying anymore. He just knew what he needed to tell somebody who felt the way he did. And he kept coming back to that point: even when you're completely lost, you'll be found. When he walked off he heard a generous applause, and heading into the wings, Alana gave him a hug. He was too shocked to return it; when she let go he kept walking, and he walked until he reached the bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and without knowing why, began weeping.

* * *

After the assembly, Evan felt as though everybody was looking at him everywhere he went. He kept his head down and tried to get through the day. He accepted a few polite compliments from a few teachers, but did everything he could to hide himself throughout the day. He didn't even pay attention most of the day, just read the book he had taken from Connor's shelf. As soon as the final bell rang, he rushed to the computer lab, where he knew no one would be. He had to avoid people for a little while. As he entered the room his phone began ringing, and he was somewhat surprised to see the caller.

"Alana? What's going on what's wrong? I'm just in the computer lab, so—"

"Have you seen this? Someone put a video of your speech online."

"My speech?"

"People started sharing it, I guess, and now, I mean—Connor is everywhere!"

As she said this, another voice came from the doorway. "Your speech is everywhere!" The sudden appearance of Jared caused him to accidentally hang up on Alana. Jared rushed into the room, excited. "This morning The Connor Project page, it only had fifty-six people following it."

"Well how many does it have now?"

"Four thousand five-hundred eighty-two." However, as Jared said this, he was interrupted by another voice at the door, who gave a much larger number.

"Sixteen thousand two-hundred and thirty-nine!" Cynthia walked into the lab, beaming with pride at Evan. And a few seconds later, Alana walked in as well to continue their conversation.

Evan shook his head in disbelief. "I don't understand. What happened?"

Cynthia laughed overjoyed, and simply said, "You did!" She left the room and joined Larry in the hall, who gave a small nod to Evan. The two walked out of view from the room as Jared and Alana started talking over each other.

Evan didn't know what to say. "What did I do?"

Jared looked at him as if it was obvious. "You told people something everybody needs to hear. Just, read some of the comments." Evan pulled out his phone somewhat reluctantly and started looking at the comments underneath the video and the Connor Project page.

Alana was clearly affected by the overwhelming response. "There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown."

> **Without_the_Ga:** Oh my god.
> 
> **Cameraman-Mark:** Everybody needs to see this.

"And every time that you call out, you're a little less alone." 

> **TwistingTurnblad:** I can't stop watching this video.
> 
> **Dust1nKr0pp:** Seventeen years old.

Jared joined Alana's affirmations. "If you only say the word"

> **Gigantic.Jack:** Take five minutes.
> 
> **PlaneCaptain38:** This will make your day.

"From across the silence your voice is heard."

Evan was unable to process all of this. He looked at his phone and walked out of the computer lab, unaware Jared and Alana's protests and insistence that they needed to start working harder on The Connor Project. He hardly noticed as they walked with him in the hall, trying anything to get their attention. Dazed and confused, Evan kept walking, walking right out of school and walking home as the other two did everything they could to ground him. He only stopped when Jared's car pulled up next to him on the side walk and Jared and Alana literally pulled him into the car to take him home. He stared at his phone the entire ride home.

He was still staring at his phone when they let him out, and seemed confused when he couldn't walk through his closed front door. Jared and Alana quickly ran out and helped Evan get inside and get seated. If Evan had been more present, he might've heard their concerns that he hadn't slept or ate or maybe had forgotten to take his medication. He might've heard Jared finally deciding to text his mom, and Alana deciding that maybe Evan just needed to be alone for a bit. He looked up as they left, both smiling at him, full of pride. But the second they were gone he looked back down at his phone and kept reading.

> Share it with the people you love. Repost.
> 
> The world needs to hear this.
> 
> A beautiful tribute— Favorite.
> 
> I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so **thank you Evan Hansen** , for doing what you're doing
> 
> I never met you Connor, but coming on here, reading everyone's posts... It's so easy to feel alone, but Evan is exactly right—we're not alone, none of us.
> 
> We're not alone, none of us.
> 
> None of us.
> 
> None of us are alone. Like. 
> 
> Forward. Especially now, with everything that you hear in the news—Like.
> 
> Share. Repost. Forward.
> 
> **Thank you Evan Hansen** , for giving us a space to remember Connor.
> 
> To be together.
> 
> To find each other.
> 
> Sending prayers from Michigan. Vermont. Tampa. Sacramento.
> 
> **Thank you, Evan Hansen.**
> 
> Repost **Thank you Evan**
> 
> **Thank you Evan Hansen**
> 
> This video is...
> 
> **Thanks to Evan**
> 
> This is about..
> 
> ** Thank you ** ** Evan Hansen **

Evan didn't notice he was crying until he saw the tears hit the countertop. He took a few minutes, wiped his eyes, then sat down with the intent to finish the book he had borrowed.

* * *

 "Oh… Oh…

Oh…  Oh-oh-oh… Someone will come runnin'.

Oh…  Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…

Ah-ah-ah… Someone will come runnin'.

Ah-ah-ah… Someone will come runnin'.

To take you home… To take you home… Someone will come runnin',

To take you home…  To take you home… To take you home… "

* * *

 Alana was monitoring the Connor Project page, and could not believe how many people had been truly affected. A million thoughts ran through her head, about what comes next, about events they could do for the Connor Project, about charities they could raise money for. But for just one second, she silenced those thoughts, smiled, and with tears in her eyes, rewatched Evan's speech.

* * *

"Even when the dark comes crashing through

When you need a friend to carry you

When you're broken on the ground

You will be found"

* * *

>   **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> holy SHIT DUDE
> 
> ur the fucking MAN
> 
> really tho, im so fucking proud of you right now
> 
> i get that this is super overwhelming, so just take a day
> 
> we can talk about what to do tomorrow
> 
> or the day after
> 
> but u should be proud of yourself
> 
> you did that

Jared finished sending the messages to Evan, and turned back to the task at hand. He methodically went through the profile, making sure he hadn't used any real information, and changed it again. He knew he had routed his server through a proxy, but he felt it was better safe than sorry. A quick double check would ensure that he was safe in anonymity. He looked at the view count on the video, looked at all the comments, and looked at the like bar. He smiled, knowing nobody would ever find out he had posted the video. He looked at Evan, a bumbling goofball who had somehow turned into a fantastic public speaker in the span of a few seconds. He smiled at the image on the screen, the person he cared about most in this world, then opened a new tab. He looked at the money he had earned from the Connor buttons, then typed adaa.org in the address bar. He clicked the donate now button.

* * *

 "So let the sun come streaming in

'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again

If you only look around

You will be found.  You will be found.

You will be found. You will be found. You will be found."

* * *

 Cynthia and Larry kept updating the Connor Project page, seeing as the follower count grew. They received so many emails and texts from family and friends. People they saw on a regular basis and people they hadn't talked to in ages. There were so many people praying for them, and sending good thoughts, and even asking how they could help. They spent the entire night just looking at how much love had been sent their way, separately but in a weird way together. All at once, they looked up at each other. Cynthia made her way to Larry, and they hugged each other, happy to be together for the first time in a long time.

* * *

 "Out of the shadows

The morning is breaking

And all is new, all is new

It's filling up the empty

And suddenly I see that

All is new, all is new

You are not alone

You are not alone."

* * *

 Heidi got the first chance to check her phone that evening in the few moments after she got off work and before she had to leave. But she hadn't realized how many notifications were waiting for her. There were lots of people sending her a video, and talking about Evan. She was confused and worried, trying to piece together what had happened to Evan, when she saw a text from an unknown number that she felt might explain some things.

> **958-555-0125**
> 
> Hi Mrs. Hansen, this is Jared Kleinman. Alana and I are with Evan and we just wanted to give you a slight heads up. Don't worry, Evan is fine, I drove him home, and nothing bad happened to him or anything. In fact, the thing that happened is pretty good. But we're concerned that Evan may be a little overwhelmed by everything that's going on at the moment. There was an assembly today and, well, he can probably explain it better when he's ready. Alana and I have to head out soon, but we wanted to let you know he's home and safe, just a little disoriented and overwhelmed. I'd recommend keeping a close eye on him in the next few days, make sure he's eating and sleeping appropriately, make sure he takes his medication. If you have any pressing questions or want somebody to be there to watch him just call me and I can be over there in ten minutes. But really, don't worry about him too much. We're a little concerned, but we think he'll be fine.
> 
> You should be really proud of Evan. He's a fantastic kid.

The text, while reassuring, raised more questions than answers. And though Jared had emphasized that Evan was ok, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Looking at the clock as she walked towards her car, she called Evan. She waited with bated breath for five rings until he answered.

"Hello?"

She sighed with relief. "Hey Evan, I just got off work, I wanted to make sure you're doing good."

"Yeah, I'm-I'm doing fine, mom."

"Ok. Good. That's good. It's just… I got a text from Jared Kleinman, and—well, he said some concerning things so I was just trying to figure out what's going on."

"Yeah, um, something interesting happened, I'll, uh, I'll explain when you get home.

Heidi paused. She knew she would not be home until late that evening. "Do you need me to come home now? I mean, I can probably skip class tonight, it's not that big a deal—"

"No, mom, don't do that. I mean, you're so close to getting your degree. And I'm fine. Everything is fine."

"Do you need someone to come over? Jared said—"

"No, it's…" she heard a laugh from the phone, a real, healthy laugh. "Everything is really good mom. Maybe better than it's been for a while."

Heidi's eyes watered. She couldn't remember the last time Evan sounded so happy. "Alright. I love you, so much. You know that right."

"Uh-huh. I love you too. Have fun at class."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye."

She still had no idea what was going on. But Evan was fine, maybe even happy. And for her, that was good enough.

* * *

 "You are not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone  You are not alone

You are not alone  You are not alone

You are not—You are not alone."

* * *

 Zoe was watching the video of Evan's speech for what must have been the hundredth time. And not a single time had she felt the video fully caught how powerful Evan's words were, how important his message was. Having seen it in person was just… it was the most awed she'd ever been in her life. She found herself reciting with Evan as she watched. "Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need someone to carry you, when you're broken on the ground, you will be found." And in that moment, she realized that she needed him. Things were still weird between them, but she didn't want them to be anymore. Evan had made a mistake, but they couldn't keep not seeing each other.

> ** Evan H. **
> 
> **Today,** 5:41 PM
> 
> Hey
> 
> We need to talk
> 
> ?
> 
> Like right now
> 
> Come over here right now
> 
> I'm sorry did I do something wrong?
> 
> No
> 
> Just
> 
> Come over
> 
> Please
> 
> Ok. I'll be there soon.

* * *

 "So let the sun come streaming in

'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again

If you'll only look around

You will be found."

* * *

 Evan was greeted by Cynthia, who invited him in, smiling and not even asking why he was there. As he stepped inside, she wrapped him in a hug. Evan was caught off guard, but hugged the mom back. "Um, I, uh—Zoe said she wanted to talk with me. It sounded pretty important, so…" Cynthia merely nodded, and led him with her arm around his shoulders, past Larry in the living room, who gave Evan a slight nod, and up the stairs, pointing to Zoe's room. He walked towards her room as Cynthia retreated down the stairs. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"It's unlocked." Gingerly turning the door handle, he lightly stepped into Zoe's room. "Oh, you're here already." She sniffed. She had either been crying or was about to cry.

"Uh, yeah…" he started uneasily. He walked towards the bed. "Jared saw me walking and offered a ride. He said he was 'in the neighborhood' but I think he was coming to check on me." He chuckled.

"Oh really?" Zoe gave a small laughed. She scooted over on her bed and pat the spot next to her. Hesitantly, Evan sat down next to her and put his bag on the floor in front of him. He wasn't sure entirely why he had brought it.

"Look, I'm so sorry—"

"Evan, stop, you don't need to apologize for anything."

He looked over, confused. "Really?"

"Evan, what you did today was… amazing. Really. You've more than made up for whatever you said."

"Oh, ok." He looked around awkwardly. "So, we're good?"

Zoe almost laughed at this. "Of course, yes we're good."

_If you're good, you'll be able to talk about things. Ask her about something. Anything._ "So… _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe_." _Yes, even that. If we're friends, we'll be able to talk about it._

Zoe looked up, surprised. "Um, you've read it?"

Evan nodded slightly. "Well, I only just finished it." Zoe nodded slowly. "I um, I saw it on Connor's bookshelf. And it seemed out of place so I, um, I read it."

Zoe didn't react. "What did you think of it?"

"It was good. I really liked it. It was really poignant and not afraid to get serious, focus on different perspectives of some really serious issues."

"I agree." The two didn't speak for a while. _Maybe this isn't working._ Zoe suddenly looked up at Evan. "The copy on Connor's bookshelf was a gift from me." Evan nodded. "Yeah, um, his birthday was a few months ago and I was pissed at him, but my parents made me get him a present. I was looking all around the mall for anything he might like, but I ended up in Barnes & Noble. I mean, he always had those books but I didn't know if he'd read any of them in a long time. But I saw that book, one of my favorite books, just kind of randomly, and something told me he would like it. I dunno. When I gave it to him he gave me a blank stare. The next morning he'd left a post-it note on my door that just said 'thanks.' I'm pretty sure my parents just made him do that, I doubt he ever read the book."

Evan shook his head. He reached into his bag and pulled out the book. "I'm really sorry I took it, but… Connor loved this book."

"Why did you…" She shook her head. "But it's not even slightly worn."

"On the outside. But just… flip through the pages." She took the book, suspicious, but flipped through. "He marked almost every other page. There are—there are entire chapters highlighted. I think it might've been his favorite book. Maybe. I don't know."

She looked through it, eyes wide, not even reading, just seeing how Connor had delicately analyzed every inch of the book. "Did you find anything interesting?"

Evan nodded. "There are… three pages I think? Connor wrote a few notes I think he'd want you to see. May I?" He reached for the book and Zoe handed it back to him.  He flipped far into the book until he found the first passage:

> "They were lovers, Ari."
> 
> I nodded. "Okay," I said.
> 
> "Does that bother you?"
> 
> "No."

Connor's notes were messily scribble in the blank space on the right: "Is Zoe trying to say something?" and below that, "Doesn't bother me either." When Zoe had finished reading that, Evan flipped further back in the book:

> "What am I going to do? I'm so ashamed."

The line was highlighted and had its own note as well: "Is this how Zoe feels?" Zoe shook her head and turned away. Evan closed the book.

"We can stop, I just… wondered if it might mean anything to you."

Zoe took a deep breath. "Ok so it wasn't random that I chose that book. I could've chosen _Hunger Games_ , or _Leviathan_ , or even freakin _Harry Potter_. But I made it up in my mind that I was gonna try and fix things with him and… I chose this book. One of my favorites. Partially to spite my parents, because my mom heard 'such awful things' about the book or whatever. But this book was supposed to be the big first step, and after he read it I was gonna tell him…" She trailed off.

"…That you're…" he looked at the closed door, then turned back to her and mouthed, " _gay?_ "

Zoe shook her head, and mouthed back, " _Bi_." _So Alana does have a chance after all._ He smiled internally at this thought. She took a breath and continued, "But he had another meltdown that evening and I never even checked to see if he read it. I always assumed he never read it."

Evan nodded. "Can I show you the last note?" Zoe nodded, and Evan turned to a page just slightly earlier: 

> "He was still experimenting with kissing girls even though he said he'd rather be kissing boys."

The passage had been underlined by Connor, with a small note in the left margin: "same".

Zoe's jaw dropped. "Do you think Connor was—"

"I don't know. But I do think this book was important to him. And I think it was important because you gave it to him."

Zoe nodded. She turned back to Evan, eyes watering, and voice choked up. "Everything you said in your speech, everything you've done… you don't know how much…" Evan could tell she was on the verge of crying. She gulped. "What you've given all of us, everyone, my family—"

Evan shook his head. "No, I'm—this is—"

"You've given me my brother back." Evan looked at her and didn't know what to say. She leaned in quickly, and Evan instinctively backed away, leaving Zoe looking confused.

"Sorry…" he muttered. Maybe he had misunderstood what she was about to do. But he didn't want to risk it. "Are we… are you ok with where we are?"

Zoe thought about it for a minute and nodded. "Are you?"

And Evan took a second before nodding back. She quickly reached over and hugged him. And as he hugged her back, he realized that for once, that was true. He loved Zoe. And being her friend was enough.

* * *

 "Even when the dark comes crashing through You will be found

When you need someone to carry you  You will be found

You will be found…"

* * *

 Eyes closed and arms still hugging Zoe, he whispered in her ear. "You will be found."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E: I made a small change bc i accidentally took text from an older draft, it's just a small thing in Jared's part. So we're finally done with the end of act one. But in the musical you know things are gonna messed up bc now things are great, but they're built on top of this unstable lie. Here things seem stable (more or less), so how is this going to be ruined in act two? Short answer: just wait and see. (Also: bi Zoe, hell yeah)  
> I may be taking a quick break to research and plan for the "act 2" part of things. Because most of act 2 is dependent on the end of act 1, certain events have to be shuffled, replaced, and removed. I'm even planning at least one scene that closely resembles an act 1 scene to take place in act 2. Basically, everything is up in the air and gravity is a bitch.  
> Thanks for your continued support, you guys have been so awesome and I've loved reading your comments and what you've thought of the fic thus far, and I appreciate all the kudos. I'm really grateful you've reacted so positively to this fic, bc I never thought anybody would be interested in the premise when I started writing.
> 
> As always, you can message me on tumblr about this fic, deh, musical theater, or anything really. My username is official-didney-worl-elmo


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alana starts a kickstarter and Heidi confronts Evan

If things weren't busy for Evan before the Connor Project, they certainly were now. So much had happened in such a short amount of time, he could hardly keep track of it all. He tried making a list in his head: 1. The Connor Project was still growing, much slower than that initial burst, but it was getting more followers each day. 2. Alana had started posting near-daily videos on the Connor Project page, and encouraging everyone (mostly Evan) to try and make videos so she could post them on a consistent schedule. 3. Alana had interviewed the Murphy's and discovered a possible fundraising opportunity: reopening some place called "The Autumn Smile Apple Orchard." The name sounded familiar to Evan, but he'd never been. According to Alana it had closed seven years prior, but the apple trees were still growing there, and it was right down the road from this ice cream place, "A La Mode," or something (he thought that his mom might've taken him there once). According to Cynthia they used to have a lot of family fun there. 4. People at school were talking to him. Which was… really, really weird. He kind of liked it. He kind of dreaded it though. 5. His cast was off, which was good probably, but he was sad that he couldn't look down and see all the names there. At least he wouldn't be reminded of Connor every two seconds.

His phone buzzed, and he knew exactly who it was. _Well, at least I won't be reminded because of the cast._ He pulled up his phone, and sure enough, it was Alana in the group chat.

> ** The Connor Project Group Chat **
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Great news! I heard back about the orchard.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> thats what passes for great news? hearing about some trees?
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> I mean, trees are pretty cool.
> 
> They don't judge you.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> well thats u evan
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Can you focus and be serious for one second?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> not when i cant change the usernames
> 
> i liked the nicknames i had
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> You called me Acorn
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> it was that or TreeFucker9000
> 
> mr pine soap
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> And I didn't really appreciate you switching the N and the L in my name
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> classic
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Meanwhile yours was just "the insanely cool Jared Kleinman
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Anyways, the choice of the orchard seemed a little… strange
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Well the orchard was important to Connor. Zoe said so.
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Remind me, why haven't we added Zoe to the chat again?
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Because she's not technically on the Connor Project staff
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> bc alana doesnt want her to know about her huge crush
> 
> and her 32 step plan
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> It's 17 steps.
> 
> And we're not focusing on my Zoe crush right now
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Tbh I kinda wish that we had kept the second nickname set
> 
> Where it was based on our most important role in TCP
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> The one where we were both called "co-president?"
> 
> Why?
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Because Jared would be so confused which one of us is talking about Zoe and that would be hilarious.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> asshole
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Alright, but back to the orchard
> 
> I discovered how much money we need to raise
> 
> And when they would need it.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> how much is it
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> $50,000.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> oh yeah only 50000
> 
> here let me just pull that out of my piggy bank
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Why do I have the feeling it's going to get worse?
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> We need it in three weeks.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> well shit
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> That's less than ideal
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Which is why we need to start right now. I've already set up a kickstarter page.
> 
> Evan, I need you to write a basic script that we can follow to record the kickstarter videos.
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> I can do that
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> And I need you to film one too
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Less doable
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> dont tell us u dont have it in u to recite a short script for a kickstarter
> 
> we all saw that speech
> 
> literally came from nowhere
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> That reminds me, where were you during that?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> I was in the audience
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Evan, I really do need that script.
> 
> Like, ASAP.
> 
> Or sooner.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> sooner than as soon as possible
> 
> how the hell is he supposed to do that
> 
> he cant just whip up a paper out of thin air
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Done
> 
> _ [CPKickstarterSpeech.pdf] _
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> i was mistaken
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> This looks excellent! Do you mind if I change a few things when I do the video?
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> No, go right ahead
> 
> I can probably get my video done in twenty minutes maybe?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> do i have to do one
> 
> bc like it seems the two of u have ur bases covered
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Well, you probably should.
> 
> You volunteered to help us.
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Alana, I'm afraid of what he'll say if we make him do the video
> 
> Best to just let him be.
> 
> Alright, I'm recording now, so silence on the group chat.

Evan made about five takes where he (almost) got through the whole thing, and about a dozen more where he didn't even get close. He sent the best to Alana in the group chat, and a few minutes later he saw two videos and a link to kickstarter up on the Connor Project website. He was surprised by just how quickly Alana worked. He had only just started to watch her video (which was overdramatic and exaggerated) when his phone buzzed again.

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> skype

Evan opened the little used video chat application. Sure enough, Jared called almost the second it started up. He waited just a little bit (with the intent to annoy Jared) before he answered. "What's up?"

"I'm bored." He whined.

"You're always bored Jared." Evan didn't even look up from his homework.

"Now that your drama has turned into the Connor Project the gossip isn't interesting. There's nothing funny happening."

Evan raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry I no longer have any misery for you to laugh at."

"You know what I mean, dick. I just wish there was something going on. Doesn't have to make you miserable. Doesn't even have to make anybody miserable."

"Well, if you need a project to work on, we still don't know who posted the video of the speech. You're a computer expert right?"

"I mean, I guess—"

"Could you figure out who posted it?"

"I told you, I looked at the profile already. They didn't use their real name and they didn't leave any information of use except for the page to the Connor Project. I'm not even positive it was a student who posted it."

"Couldn't you, like, I dunno, trace it? Trace it or something I guess?"

"Maybe, but that could take a while."

"Well you said only fifty-six people were following the Connor Project that morning, and that the poster left a link to it in the description. Could you find out who those people are? Maybe we can use process of elimination or something."

"I don't know if I can find that information, we only know who likes the page, not when they liked it."

"I dunno Jared, just trying to give you something to do."

"Well what about the orchard kickstarter? I mean, I am the treasurer."

"I mean, if you want. I think we're good right now, but I'll definitely let you know if I think of anything. Ask Alana. We could probably use help this weekend."

"Oh, shit, I just remembered, I can't do this weekend. My camp friends are in town, so I'm inviting a few over for an 'intimate get-together' at my place." Evan paused, confused. "Jesus, Evan, it's a party. Just with way fewer people."

Evan had never actually met Jared's camp friends, but he knew that Jared's pretty close. Probably closer to them than he was to Evan. Which shouldn't have bothered Evan. And it didn't. It… no, it didn't. "Oh. Cool. That sounds like a good time. Have fun."

Jared snorted. "I was going to invite you."

Evan dropped his notebook and looked up. "What?"

"Yeah, I mean I know things have been busy for the Connor Project so I figured it would be a good chance to just relax and take it easy for a night."

Evan blinked. "Oh. I just, um, I just thought you know, like, you usually say that your camp friends are your 'real friends' so I just assumed, you know, that I wasn't like—"

"Look, don't overthink it. I'd appreciate you coming. My parents are out of town this weekend and the last time they used the liquor cabinet was like, Rosh Hashana nineteen ninety-seven." Jared had a devious grin on his face.

"What are you implying?" _Is Jared really saying what I think he's saying?_

"Well assuming my parents stay ignorant, one could say we can drink whatever we want!"

"One could say that… but should one?"

"Wow you really like Parks and Rec."

Evan shrugged. "You got me hooked."

"But that wasn't even proper implementation of the line." Evan shrugged and gave a small apologetic smile. "Whatever. Look, you don't _have_ to drink. But you should come."

Evan thought about it. "I don't know, I've got like, a lot of homework, and things for the Connor Project. Like, the Murphy's want me over tonight again, and Alana's got something planned one of those evenings I think, and-and-, I really don't, like, I don't want to intrude when you're hanging with your camp friends."

Jared's face fell as Evan spoke. "Evan, slow down and breath, ok?"

"No, no, it's not—I'm not… I mean, I'm… I'm doing better. I wasn't about to… um, you know."

Jared started shaking his head. "No, I didn't mean to imply… you just worry us when that kind of thing happens." Evan nodded. Jared had his best interests in mind. "Look, I know everything is crazy, but just… think about it?"

"What are you up to?" The voice from the doorway startled Evan, causing him to shut his laptop out of habit. He mentally added something that had happened since the speech to his list: 6. Evan could count the times he had seen his mom between the speech and now on one hand. She hadn't even asked about the text Jared sent since that night.

"Nothing much." _Just double booked this weekend for the first time… maybe ever._

"I feel like every time I walk into your room you close your computer screen."

Evan couldn't tell if he was more annoyed by the accusation or the way it was delivered. _Does she not trust me or something?_ "Not really."

"I don't know what you do on there that you don't want me to see." She walked closer to him, confrontational.

"I was doing homework, Mom." He replied. _Technically not untrue, I was working on my homework during the call with Jared_.

Heidi paused. "Do you have a minute?"

_I don't know what this conversation is, but I really don't want to have it. The Murphy's are expecting me any minute anyways._ "Actually, um, I was just about to go to Jared's." He got off of his bed and grabbed his backpack.

"Didn't you go to Jared's last night?"

"Well, we're doing a Spanish project together," he said as he began stuffing school supplies into the backpack, "we're going to be working late again, so I'm not sure…not sure when I'll be back." He turned around and grabbed a hoodie.

"Saw the strangest thing on Facebook today."

"Oh really?" He was hardly paying attention. _I just need to get out of here._

"Yeah, this was uh… this was a video from the uh, something called The Connor Project?" He froze. _Shit._ "You heard of that?" He didn't say anything. "'Cause their website, it says that… you're the president."

He sat down on the bed, still not looking at her. _She knows._ "Co-president."

His mother nodded in his periphery. "Well this was, uh, this was a video of you doing a speech. About that boy. Connor Murphy, yeah, yeah, yeah, about how he signed your cast." Evan stammered. He didn't even know what he was being accused of. Heidi held her hands out for him to stop. "Alright, you told me you didn't know him."

"I didn't, I said that in the speech!"

"You told me he signed as an apology."

"Yeah, I-I know—"

"But in the speech you made it seem like he just did it because he wanted to."

"Does it make any difference?"

"It does when you're not telling me anything! I don't even know what he was apologizing for."

"It doesn't matter, it was a long time ago, the cast is off, and Connor's de—" He paused. "Connor's gone now. So what does it matter now?"

" _So_ when were you planning on telling me any of this? Or-or-or you weren't?"

Evan snapped. He stood up. "When would I tell you any of this exactly? When are you even here?"

Heidi stepped back, angry. "I'm here. Right now."

"Okay! One night a week! Well most people, their parents, they try to do just a little better than that, just so you know." He grabbed the backpack and swung it over his shoulder. _I have to get out of here._

She gave a small chuckled, in disbelief. "Well isn't that lucky for them."

"I have to go to Jared's."

"Well I don't think I want you going out right now actually." She moved to the doorway.

"I told Jared I'd be at his house like ten minutes ago!" He extended his arm towards the door. _I have to get out of here._

"Alright, listen, I am missing class tonight—"

"Oh!" _Of course, of fucking course._

"—so that I can be here to talk to you, Evan. I would like you to please just-just-j-j-just talk to me."

"Well I can't just not do work for school because you decide to miss class, I can't just stop everything whenever you decide it's convenient for you!"

"I don't understand what's going on!" She ran back to the opposite side of the bed.

"Nothing! Nothing is going on with me!"

Heidi continued talking over him. "You're standing in front of the school giving _speeches_?!" She said 'speeches' as if it were a much worse, or at least a much weirder word, in the same tone one might say another is handing out octopi. "You're president of a group? Evan, I don't even know who that person is!"

"You're making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal!" _It's not a big deal. So I'm a co-president, so what?_ He moved around the bed towards the doorway.

Heidi moved to block him. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing!" He tried to move past her, but she kept talking, and he kept talking over her, about how he never told her, about how he just did, and they kept raising their voices. The two just got louder and louder, as did the thoughts in Evan's head.

"I'M YOUR MOTHER!" With this sentence, Evan got silent. _It's not worth it._ The two stayed quiet for a second. He hadn't noticed his hands reach down to his shirt hem. Heidi slowly raised her arms. "I'm sorry. I… I don't know why…" She shook her head. "I'm happy. I'm happy you're getting involved with something, and I'm so sorry Connor is gone I just wish I'd known…" She leaned in to hug him, but he stepped out of it, uncomfortable.

"It's fine, we weren't friends." He mumbled. Evan stayed looking at some spot on the wall, unable to meet his mother's gaze.

"Well if you ever wanna… wanna talk about it—"

"I should go." He pointed at the door and walked around his mother.

She walked behind him to his bedside table. "You ok on refills?"

He stopped. "I'm not…um…" _Just one thing that's true. Just one thing. She'll find out anyway._ "I'm not taking them anymore."

She turned her head, surprised. "Oh?"

Evan shrugged. "I haven't needed them."

"Really? So…no anxiety?" He shook his head. "Even with everything that's—"

"I've…" He thought about what he was about to say. "I've been fine."

"Well, great." She laughed a little bit, relieved. "That's great. I'm proud of you. I guess those letters to yourself must've really helped."

_In a way._ He nodded slightly. "I guess so."

"Well don't stay up too late. It's a school night."

"I won't." And with that, Evan was out the door. As he walked towards the Murphy's, one thought stayed with him. _I've been fine. Right? I've… I've been fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, start of act 2! I'm still planning and outlining things bc there are certain scenes that are literally just transcriptions that I don't want to have to do the entirety of bc that can be a little boring. I do want to do updates fairly regularly, but I'm still planning a few things, and I have to do some planning before I can write out certain chapters. I'm really excited to show you what I have in store for this fanfic.  
> As always, thanks for the comments, kudos, etc. I appreciate all the support I've been getting. If you like talking about musicals come bother me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Larry teaches Evan how to break in a baseball glove and Zoe and Evan are great friends.

Evan wasn't quite sure how he ended up in the garage with Larry. He always got the sense that Larry disliked him. He seemed a little…overly masculine? Like, with the way he talked, and acted, and even got defensive about Zoe. He just seemed like a typical dad. Which… kind of comforted him, but also reminded him of _his_ father which was… _nope. Just…. Nope._

But apparently Larry was a huge baseball fan and had some signed balls which they could auction off to make money for the kickstarter.

"You get the right people to come to an auction like this, baseball fans…you could raise a thousand bucks for the orchard, easy!" Evan was impressed.

"No, it's a great idea, I'm definitely gonna talk to Alana about it." Larry said something about another ball by another player Evan didn't recognize. "This is really generous of you to donate all this stuff."

"Mom says that your show is on and she doesn't want to dvr it again." Zoe's voice came from the door. Evan gave a small, timid wave. When Larry didn't say anything, Evan wondered if this was his cue to exit, he looked towards Larry then looked back at Zoe, prepared to leave.

"Tell her we're busy." The answer surprised Evan.

"With what?"

Evan's face lit up. "Your dad had a great idea for the orchard, to do an auction."  
"Evan's helping me go through my collection here."

Zoe looked skeptical. "Dad, are you torturing him?" There was something about her completely deadpan delivery that simultaneously surprised Evan and made him want to burst into laughter.

"No, what?"

"Evan is he torturing you?"

"No, what?"

"You can tell him he's being boring and you want to leave, he won't get upset."

Larry got defensive. "He can leave anytime he wants!"

Evan leaned in. "I don't wanna leave."

"Evan do you want to leave?" _Is Zoe trying to warn me of something here?_

Larry turned back to Evan. "If you wanna leave—"

Evan threw his arms up, "I don't wanna leave!"

Zoe raised her hands, defeated. "Ok, well don't say I didn't warn you." And with that she went back inside.

Larry chuckled a little bit. "Women," he said as if it was obvious that Zoe was a handful. _I think I want to leave now._ Larry turned back to him. "Right?"

Evan looked down. "I know…" he said, hesitantly. He looked down and began playing with his jacket.

"So you and Zoe…?" The question came from out of nowhere, and Evan looked up at him.

"What? No, we're just friends—"

"No, it's…nice."

"No, no, no it's—I mean, I care about Zoe, and she's nice but we're not—that's not… we're just friends." Larry nodded, and Evan could tell he didn't quite believe him. He looked around for a distraction. Something. Anything. "This glove's really cool, wow!" _Well that wasn't overly enthusiastic at all._

That seemed to do it though. "Feel how stiff the leather is?"

"Yes for sure." He handed the glove over to Larry.

"Never been used. You probably have your own glove at home, I'm sure."

"Oh! Um, yeah, somewhere, I don't really know if it fits me anymore, it's been a while." He chuckled at this.

"Well, you know what, why don't you take this one?" He offered the glove back. It took Evan a second to process what he was saying.

Evan shook his head. "Oh, no, no, no I could—I couldn't…"

Larry laughed. "Why not? 'Cause I mean—I mean if you need a new glove anyway, this one's just gonna sit here collecting dust."

Evan thought about it. He didn't want to just take something from Larry. He seemed decent enough, and he was Zoe's father. "Are you sure?"

"I bought this glove a thousand years ago, for some Christmas or some birthday that has come and gone." Larry began trying to fit the stiff glove over his hands. "I thought we might play catch or…uh, I dunno… but he left it in the bag with the tag still on." _So Connor wasn't a sports kid. I guess that's not surprising, but sounds like Larry wanted a kid who'd be interested in that._ "You have to break it in though, first." He took the glove off and gestured with it and moved back over to the box that had just contained the baseballs he had shown Evan. "Can't catch anything with it this stiff."

"Uh, how do you break it in?"

Larry looked up, as if what Evan had just said had greatly upset him. "Your dad never taught you how to break in a baseball glove?" _Wow, he takes this pretty seriously, doesn't he?_

Evan lightly shook his head. "I guess not."

"Well… it's all a process that is really quite precise. A sort of… secret method known to very few." Larry smiled. Evan could tell he was really, _really_ enthusiastic about baseball. "So, if you're in the market for professional advice, well, today could be a lucky day for you." Larry took a few steps towards Evan. "Shaving cream."

Evan tilted his head. "Shaving cream?"

"Yeah, you rub that in for about five minutes, then you-you tie it all up with rubber bands, and you put it under your mattress, and you sleep on it. And the next day you repeat. Now, you gotta do this for at least a week every day, consistent. And though this method isn't easy,  
every second that you spend is gonna pay off. It'll pay off in the end." Evan took the glove and listened enthusiastically as Larry went on about how much effort, patience, and hard work went into this process, that even though this process was hard and time-consuming, it was the best way to do the job. He nodded politely at a few comments about instant gratification and social media. He reiterated what Larry had told him. And suddenly, Evan realized he wasn't just talking about a glove, he was talking about personal struggles, and life, and—

Connor. He was talking about Connor. And Evan felt bad for Larry. From what he had heard from Zoe, Larry wasn't… a super great father. But at least he was there. At least he hadn't left, like Evan's dad. "Connor was really lucky to have a dad that, um—a dad who… who cared so much about… taking care of stuff." The two of them stayed silent for a bit.

"Your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you." He hadn't meant to hurt Evan, but these words stung. He knew Larry had no idea about his dad, but knowing that still didn't make it any better.

"Yeah, he does." He went to go grab his backpack, which he had left by the work bench.

"Good." He paused. "Well if you want to go catch up with Zoe…" He gestured to the door and Evan nodded and walked in that direction, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. He didn't really know why. But something made him stay. And that same something made him say something he didn't want to say.

"I don't, um… I don't know why I said that about my dad, that's, um… that is not true. My parents got divorced, uh, when I was seven, my dad moved to Colorado and he and my step-mom… they have their own kids now, so that is sort of… his priority." Evan froze, unsure why he had said that, but stayed looking at Larry.

Larry's expression was vague. He was pondering something, but Evan couldn't tell what. He reached over and grabbed the can of shaving cream. "Shaving cream. Rubber bands. Mattress. Repeat. Got it?"

Evan cleared his throat. "Got it."

Larry put the shaving cream in Evan's glove. "You're good to go." He grabbed Evan's shoulder, smiled, and shook him a bit before Evan walked out of the garage.

As soon as he exited he let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. _Yeah, hey, quick question: what the hell was that?_ Evan shook his head, unaware he was being watched.

"I did try to warn you." Zoe had this look that she was about two seconds from laughing at him. She had been smiling a lot more since the speech. It made him happy. And just being there for her made him happy. He was happy that they were getting along so well and that he actually had… well, friends. "So what happened? Did he torture you?"

Evan chuckled. "Not quite. Um, we're auctioning the baseballs for the orchard."

"That's good."

"Yeah, um… well, um, you need—you need to explain that we're not dating to him."

Zoe frowned. "He thought we were dating?"

"I-I-I tried to tell him we weren't, but um… I don't, I don't really think he believed me?" He started messing with the bottom of his hoodie.

She pointed at Evan's hands. "What's with the baseball glove?"

"Oh! Um, I said I thought it was cool and he kinda just gave it to me? He told me about how to break it in and I didn't want to be rude…"

Zoe chuckled. "He'll give that speech to anyone who will listen."

"Yeah…and then I kinda accidentally told him about my father."

Zoe's face fell. "Shit. I'm sorry, are you ok Evan?"

He shrugged. "I don't know why I told him, but I'd already done it before I knew what was happening." He sighed. "Maybe I should stop hanging out here so much."

Zoe nodded. "I completely agree. Which is why the two of us are hanging out this weekend at your place."

Evan blinked. "I'm sorry, what? I mean, you really—you really don't want to come to my place, we probably shouldn't…"

"I definitely do. And that wasn't a suggestion." Evan looked away. "Look, I really like hanging out, but we always come here. I need an excuse to get out of here that's not jazz or Connor related. I thought it would be nice just to just relax. Watch a little TV. Not focus on the hurricane that has been our lives recently."

"It's just…I mean…" But he looked up at Zoe. And even though he was moving on, he still couldn't say no. "Sure."

Zoe smiled. "Awesome. Do you have popcorn at your house?"

Evan smirked. "Just the microwave kettle corn Jared keeps bringing over. I don't think he'll miss one bag."

* * *

 

The week had ended, and after all the campaigning for the Connor Project he really did need a break. Zoe had showed up some time earlier that evening and they'd been marathoning Evan's new favorite show. Zoe had mentioned some thing and Evan had realized that he'd had that thing or at least something related to that thing in his room. Zoe had followed him as he searched for it, just making conversation.

"So, when does your mom get off work?"

"Uh, she has class Sunday nights, so she will not be home for another few hours," he said matter-of-factly. It sucked that she was always gone, but what could he do about it?

Zoe stopped, processing something that she might've realized much earlier in the night. "We have the whole house to ourselves?" Evan stood there, mouth agape for a few seconds. "I wasn't thinking, like, that."

Evan just nodded. "You know it. And what exactly weren't you thinking of? Because I think I need a little clarification." This had become their rapport. Awkwardly tiptoeing around the fact that Evan had liked her, and that she was… very, very conflicted about a lot of things. But Zoe was a quick thinker, and he knew her response would amuse him.

She smiled. "I was thinking we should throw a kegger!"

"We should definitely throw a kegger, for sure!" He made his voice deeper, like some college frat guy.

Zoe took that as a challenge and tried to make her voice deeper. "Until your mom gets home!"

Evan responded to the challenge, going even deeper. "In three hours!" The two laughed. It was nice, and despite the jokes and the history, things weren't even slightly awkward. It was a little comforting, knowing they cared about each other enough to just be friends. Evan shook his head and used his normal voice again. "Thank you, uh, thank you for coming."

"You realize this was my idea right?"

"I know, I just… appreciate that you're here."

Zoe looked at a large stack of papers on his nightstand. "What are all these?"

He practically jumped across the bed to grab them and put them away. _Do not want to talk about this._ "Oh, those are just—My mom is obsessed with these college scholarship essay contests she found online, she keeps printing out more of them." He hid them under his bed. _I just don't want to think about this right now._

"You have so many."

He rubbed his nose on his sleeve. "Yeah, I know, I know, I'd have to win probably like a hundred of them to actually pay for college when you add it all up, tuition, housing, books."

"Your parents… they can't…?"

He shook his head. "No not really. I mean, you know my mom is working and going to school herself, and my dad, well… you know."

"I'm sorry." She coughed. "I mean, despite all appearances I know what it's like to have a shitty dad too."

Evan looked up. "Really?"

Zoe gave him a look that confirmed this. "He acts nice to people he doesn't know, but… he's such a stereotypical dad. Way too into sports, wants a perfect princess daughter and a jock son. Instead he got… well, us." Evan nodded. He had sensed that in Larry.

"I think he got protective of you when he saw the letter, as if I was going to hurt you or something."

Zoe rolled her eyes.  "Then you know." She paused and looked down. "I promised myself I wasn't going to talk about Connor, because, you know, my entire life has always been about Connor. But… when Connor, um… tried… the first time, he said that Connor was doing it for attention."

Evan looked up, shocked. "That's horrible." He sighed. "I guess that's not too surprising. Something about him reminded me of…well, he reminds me of my dad."

Zoe nodded. He started heading for the door when Zoe said, "What's your dad like?"

Evan stopped. He could feel the sweat start on his face. "I...I-I dunno. I mean, I-I only really, I only really have like a few memories, like I think he wanted me to, um, wanted me to try out for soccer or something but I didn't want to I just wanted to play in the grass or something?" _Stop rambling._ "And-and-and one time I remember one time he got angry because I got, like, a pink toy or something from some fast food store? And I didn't care, I just wanted the toy, but he made like way too huge a deal out of it and I think I may have cried? And then, you know, he left my mom for some other woman and I've visited him like one time since then and it was awkward and felt fake and-and-and—" he gulped a huge breath of air.

"Whoa, Evan slow down!" She walked over and took a few deep breaths with him. "You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to."

He nodded. "Ok, yeah." He quickly and awkwardly touched both of her arms with his hands. "Thank you!"

She smiled, and mimicked his action. "Don't mention it!" She said in the same tone of voice.

He laughed a little bit. "I'm sorry, it's just… not a good subject."

"Yeah I figured." She smiled but there was a concern in her eyes. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I've, uh, I've been much better recently. Sleeping, eating, I'm… I'm fine, I wasn't about to…"

"You sure? You been taking your meds?"

"I actually haven't really, um, really needed to take it."

Evan's phone vibrated in his pocket. In retrieving it, he missed Zoe's face become even more nervous. "Evan, I don't think it's a good idea to stop taking your meds."

> **Alana Beck**
> 
> Hey Evan, just arrived at the senior parking lot! Are you going to be here soon?
> 
> We were supposed to hand out postcards downtowns?
> 
> You didn't forget, did you?

He looked up in horror. "Shit, I completely forgot! Alana and I are supposed to do this thing… I'm so sorry, but can we cut this short? I really need to do this."

Zoe nodded. "Yeah, no problem. I can drive you if you want. Where are you meeting her?"

"Senior parking lot." The two began walking out quickly.

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Sorry, lost track of time!
> 
> I'll be there soon.

He only just locked the front door when he got another text. "Oh, come on Alana, I'll be there soon enough!" But it wasn't from Alana.

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> hey man forgot to tell you the thing was tonight
> 
> its actually happening right now
> 
> and im textin u b4i get to drunk
> 
> i know hanging out and party type events arent ur thing
> 
> but i really hope u come

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." Zoe looked up, confused and surprised at how much Evan was swearing. "I triple booked myself. Jared invited me to a party at his place."

"Shit, Evan!" Zoe shook her head, then laughed. "So Jared Kleinman is having a kegger right after we suggested it?"

"Ok, I'll admit, that's hilarious, but it's really just an intimate get-together, and I'm kinda freaking out too much to appreciate it right at the moment."

"Alright, I'll be serious." The two thought. "Ok, this is fine, we can figure this out. Which can you afford to miss?"

 _Both, if I had my choice._ But he'd made commitments to his friends. He didn't want to let them down. And suddenly, looking up at Zoe, he had an idea that might make all of his friends happy. There was just one problem.

Evan winced. "I know you're going to hate me for asking this, because you literally just said you didn't like that your whole life was about him, but would you mind going with Alana to hand out post cards promoting the Connor Project kickstarter? I promise, Alana will do all of the talking, you'll just follow her lead, and you know, Alana's really fun to talk to, so-so—"

"Ok, Evan, you've convinced me." She sighed. "You said she was waiting in the senior parking lot? How far is Jared's place from there?"

Evan smiled, and Zoe resentfully smiled back. "It's not far at all, just a few blocks, I can direct you." The two got in the car and Zoe drove quickly (if not as recklessly as Jared) as Evan directed her. Eventually they slowed and she parked across the street from Jared's house, which had a few cars parked outside of it.

"Thank you so much, Zoe."

"Yeah, yeah, you're lucky you got a cute smile you tree nerd."

Evan laughed. "That’s the best you could come up with?"

"Oh, believe you me, I'll have plenty more material after discussing it with Alana. Tell Jared I said hey."

"Tell Alana that I'm sorry. Thanks Zoe." He got out of the car and watched as it drove away. His phone vibrated as the car turned the corner.

> **Alana Beck**
> 
> Evan are you going to be here soon?
> 
> I'd rather you tell me you're not coming than wait for a half hour.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Just hold on a few minutes, I'm not that far away.
> 
> But, just so you're not totally blindsided
> 
> Sometimes Plans change.
> 
> Be bold, be brave. Don't feel like you have to follow a certain arbitrary order of steps.
> 
> **Alana Beck**
> 
> That's inspiring and all
> 
> And you should definitely use that for a Connor Project video
> 
> But I have no Idea what you're talking about.
> 
> Just get here soon.

Evan smiled, perhaps a little smug that he would help Alana succeed where he had failed. He looked up at Jared's house, a little intimidated. He knew dumb teen movies talked about parties as the ultimate teen experience, but he knew real life wasn't like that. At least not for him. And he wasn't going to get his hopes up. Because for starters, he knew this wasn't really a party. But more importantly, he knew not much would change. He was Evan Hansen, and he'd pretty much been the same since eighth grade. He thought a single party couldn't change him.

By the end of the night, he thought differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's past midnight and I have to wake up early(ish) tomorrow so I'm keeping this pretty short. I had lots of trouble writing this because, and I cannot stress this enough, I don't like Larry. But I like Evan and Zoe, and I love their friendship. The next chapter will be about the party, what goes on there, who Jared's camp friends are, and more specifically, how this party is going to change Evan's life.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, kudos, etc. You really have no idea how much it means to me! If you want to talk about deh or musical theater or this fic or literally anything message me on tumblr, i'm official-didney-worl-elmo on there, and I usually respond to messages pretty quickly and I think im pretty friendly and im almost constantly bored so please message me thx.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan meets Jared's camp friends and learns something he never knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw(? maybe): A character has an anxiety/panic attack

Evan had been standing outside the front door for what was probably only a few minutes, but what felt to him like several days. _Look, are you going to be Daisy Buchanan Evan or Connor Project Evan?_ He somehow found enough willpower inside him to reach up his hand and knock a few times, though he instantly regretted it. He was about to turn around and just walk back home when the door opened revealing… a girl who was definitely not Jared. If he hadn't been over a thousand times before, he would've been terrified, thinking he knocked on the wrong door. He stood there for a few seconds, mouth agape, before the girl mercifully spoke first.

"You look familiar…" She tried to place him, but couldn't seem to remember. He gave an apologetic shrug. "You're a friend of Jared's right?" He aggressively nodded his head. "Well, just come on in. He's already trying to get white girl wasted." She rolled her eyes, but smiled at Evan and gestured that he should come in. He followed through the hallway to the kitchen and living room area. "Have we met before?"

Evan shook his head. "No." He would've remembered her. The wild black hair cascading down her shoulders, the devil may care attitude that made Evan a little speechless, the smile that somehow gave him the feeling that she was trouble, but the fun kind of trouble… if Evan could enjoy such a thing. _Ok don't get a crush on this girl, you don't even know her, and even if she is…attractive, you're never going to see her again._ Still, Evan couldn't help but blushing.

"Well in that case, I'm Maureen." She frowned. "What's your name, kid?"

Evan cleared his throat, wiped his (sweaty) hands on his pants and then reached his right hand out. "Evan. Hansen."

"Oh my god…" Her eyes widened, and Evan's breath stopped for a moment. He cautiously retracted his hand. " _You're Evan Hansen?_ " Evan shrunk back a little, not knowing what was about to happen. "You're the one that's doing that thing! Right? The something project?"

Evan breathed a sigh of relief. "The Connor Project."

"Right, right! I saw your speech, Jared sent it to me. You were fantastic. And Jared is literally always going on about you."

Evan's face became completely neutral. _What._ "He is?" _That's just… that's just not Jared._

She nodded enthusiastically. "You're the only friend I've heard him talk about who doesn't go to camp." _Friend_. She turned to the half dozen people in the living room. "Hey guys, this is the famous Evan Hansen!" she yelled. Everyone turned to look at him, quiet for a few moments. Evan felt his face flushing. _Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no._ He waited anxiously for the kids to judge him.

But to his pleasant surprise, the judgement never came. The people there gave him a smile, a few nods acknowledging him, and a few came over to shake hands and welcome him. He took in the faces and names that he could, but it all felt like a blur. But not really a bad one. He just kinda politely nodded and said a few greetings. He felt a buzz and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

> **Alana Beck**
> 
> I can't believe you did this without asking
> 
> And I can't believe you would leave me alone wither her!
> 
> I'm only on step three of my plan.
> 
> Wait.
> 
> Is that what you meant by that?
> 
> Evan you asshole.

He laughed a bit, but put his phone away. He'd deal with Alana tomorrow. He looked at the people enjoying themselves and looked back to Maureen, the only person he knew he would definitely remember. She looked back at him and winked, as if there was some kind of unspoken understanding. She called across the room. "Colton, baby, come over and meet Evan." A boy, tall and slightly muscular, looked up from his conversation, excused himself, and, plastic red cup in hand, came over to Maureen and Evan in the kitchen. "Evan, this is Colton. Colton, Evan."

Colton flashed a huge, genuine smile. "Evan! It's great to meet you!" He stuck out his hand and gave Evan a firm handshake.

Evan gave a small smile back. "Good to meet you, too."

"I have a feeling you two are going to hit it off." She smiled at the two and looked up, making her way to the living room "Ellie! Come dance with me!"

He looked back up at Colton, and something seemed a little… out of place. "I'm really, really, sorry for being so blunt, but um, how do you… I mean, you don't really look…" Colton pulled a confused look, unsure what Evan was about to say. "…Like do you know Jared from camp?"

Colton burst into laughter. _God, that is a fantastic laugh._ "No, no, no, I'm not Jewish. I really barely know Jared. No, actually I'm in town for a college visit. Maureen happened to live nearby and her and a bunch of her friends had planned this thing where they would all meet in the city to go see some concert, and since I was in town she invited me. Aside from Maureen, I really don't know anybody here."

Evan exhaled, relieved. "Good, that makes two of us." The two shared a quick laugh.

"Dude, I saw your speech online for the Connor Project. You were so fantastic, it blew my mind. I may or may not have started crying." He gave an amused smile.

Evan looked away. "Thanks, it... I mean, I really don't know where it came from, I'm not usually that… eloquent."

"Well you said some fantastic stuff." He looked at Evan as if he was missing something. "Do you want a drink?"

Evan was slightly flustered. "Oh, um, just-just some water. With ice." _Oh great, now he's going to realize how lame I am, drinking water at a party with beer and shots or whatever people drink at teen parties._

To his surprise, Colton just grabbed a cup, grabbed some ice, and filled it with water. "There you go." No judgement, no surprise. It was refreshing, one could say.

"Thanks. So is there anything you've picked up on about these people I should know about?"

Colton shook his head. "Honestly, I'm a little bit drunk and I don't know them all that well. They just know each other from camp, and apparently most of them live out in the middle of nowhere, but this concert happened and they just had to come to the city. They knew Jared and he invited them all back here. I met one guy before, Maureen and I hung out with him last time I was here…" He scanned the people, wondering if he had disappeared. His eyes stopped on a slightly shorter boy, and he pointed to him. "Ezra. Little quiet, nice guy though."

"Any others who've made an impression on you?"

"Well, Jared. He's…"

Evan gave a grim smile. "Rough around the edges?"

Colton chuckled a bit. "Yep. The 'lovable asshole' friend. I've known a few in my time. Maureen can be that sometimes."

Evan looked over at the girl, who was whooping and dancing with another girl ( _Ellie, right?_ ). "So what about Maureen? What's she like? Anything really interesting I should know about her?"

"You like her?" Evan began blushing, and began protesting. "No, I shouldn't have asked. Just teasing a little bit. I've been friends with her family for ages. She is… very active, let's say." He lowered his voice, as if he was about to tell Evan a well-known secret. "I love her dearly, but I'm so glad I don't live near her. She's always busy, always got some cause to fight for. And I love her for it, but I can't spare all the time she does going to protests and marches and concerts. She's just always busy. Must be really stressful."

"I can relate." He timidly sipped his water.

Colton looked Evan up and down for a bit. "S-A-D?" He asked. Evan, slightly mortified, gave a tiny nod. "Sorry if that's not my place to ask. I prolly shouldn't have said anything. It's just that I have a friend with SAD, and I noticed a few of her mannerisms in you. And absolutely no judgement or anything! I mean, god knows I'm fucked up six ways to Sunday. Same with a lot of my friends." He chuckled at this, and Evan relaxed a little. "Like, not to belabor the point, but your speech was… fucking inspiring. And I knew that it came from a place of loneliness, and probably mental illness. When I showed my friends, we just pretty much just looked at each other. Like, we've been through a lot in the past year, where we just thought we couldn't deal with the pressure. Two of my friends ran away in the course of like, a week—Well, I mean at the time I barely knew Faith, and Jacqueline and I were still dating. But it really freaked us all out."

Evan kinda nodded. "It just sucks that… that Connor felt that awful, and-and-and I… nobody could really help."

"I hear you." He paused, uncertain whether to ask something. "So you absolutely don't have to answer this if you don't want, but do you take and meds for… never mind, dumb question."

Evan gulped. "Actually, I, um, I just stopped. Recently."

Colton's face turned white. His eyes opened wide. "What?"

Evan shrugged. "Yeah, I um, haven't really needed it recently."

Colton's face transformed into an expression of urgent concern. He put his hand on Evan's shoulder. "Dude, be careful. Faith—my friend with SAD—she was going through some rough shit last year, and she forgot her meds literally one day. She had an awful, just an awful day. That night she just packed up and disappeared. She didn't bring her medication with her, and it only got worse. She went about a week without taking it, Coda had to talk her out of a panic attack, and Katherine nearly talked her into one." Seeing Evan's confusion, he clarified. "Sorry, more friends of mine, it doesn't really matter. Point is, she missed taking those, and it really fucked her up. It took her several more weeks for her brain to readjust after the sudden withdrawal. And it really affected all of us." Colton removed his hand from Evan's shoulder, but the worried expression didn't change.

Evan frowned. "Sorry, I know this is so rude of me—"

"As rude as asking point blank if you have an anxiety disorder?"

"Touché. But, um, you said you barely knew Faith at the time. How did it affect you?"

Colton rolled his eyes, remembering something stupid that he did in the past. "I ended up staying up for nearly forty-eight consecutive hours, first searching for Faith, then searching for Jacqueline, who ran away largely in part because of what happened to Faith." Evan stared, partially wanting to laugh, and partially knowing what that was like. "Yeah, not my brightest idea. It's a long story and it's not really mine to tell." He gave Evan a soft smile. "My point is, people care about you, and worry about you. Trust me, Jared's pretty much said as much a dozen times tonight." _I find that hard to believe._

"Where the hell is he anyway?"

"Not sure. I'll help you look." The two left the kitchen and walked towards the living room. "My point is, if you can't take care of you for yourself, take care of yourself for the people who care about you. Ok?" Evan thought about it and nodded. _The people who care about me._

"Colton!" The shorter guy who Colton had pointed out earlier waved him and Evan over.

"What's up Ezra? Have you met Evan yet?"

The boy looked at Evan, almost dismissively. "Hey." He looked back up at Colton. "Colton, are you harassing this poor boy?" He spoke with an almost monotonous, emotionless voice that was almost relaxing.

"What? No. We were just looking for Jared. I would never—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just go check up on Maureen and Ellie."

He shrugged. "Ok, sure." He hugged Evan, catching him off guard. "Keep doing what you're doing, it's fantastic stuff." He let go and walked over to Maureen and Ellie, still dancing in the middle of the living room. "And take care of yourself, dude."

He looked back to Ezra confused. Ezra just said, "You're lucky. If he'd had one more drink in him, he would've been touching and flirting with you like crazy."

Evan blushed incredibly hard. "Um… what? Why?"

Ezra shrugged. "Because you're cute, and from what Maureen's told me you're just his type."

 _Wait, what? I'm cute? This is…_ Evan cleared his throat. "So, um, Colton is…" _But he had a girlfriend, remember?_ "Bi?"

"Pan." Evan wondered if more elaboration would come, but he waited in vain. "You were looking for Jared?"

"Yep. I've been here for like five… ten? Minutes, and he doesn't know I'm here yet."

Ezra nodded. "I think he's in the backyard. Walk with me."

Evan followed as they slowly made their way through Jared's oversized backyard. "So, you know Jared from camp?"

"Yep. We all talk to each other, to varying extents, throughout the year. I probably know Jared best. Then Maureen, but she knows everything about everyone." Evan nodded. "Your speech was good by the way. But you know that." _…How the hell am I supposed to react to that?_

Evan coughed. "Do you understand why Jared invited me here?"

"Seems obvious. He wanted his closest friends all in one place." _Closest friends? How am I part of that?_ "There he is." Ezra nodded his head towards Jared, who turned around after hearing the two approach him.

"Evan!" He ran across the grass and put his arms around Evan in a big enthusiastic hug. Evan looked at Ezra, confused. The boy only shrugged in response. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"Wow, you are already drunk Jared." Evan pulled himself away from Jared's arms. "Getting a lot of hugs tonight."

"I am not!" Jared protested. "I'm just havin' a little fun, come on!"

"Yeah, you're slurring your speech Jared," Ezra added, still completely emotionless.

"Hey Evan, this douche bothering you? Or trying to pick you up?"

"You should be more worried about Colton doing that to Evan, dick."

"Blow me!"

"Time and place."

"In fifteen minutes in the bathroom."

"It's a date."

Evan turned his head back and forth, confused by the rapid-fire exchange. "I'm sorry, are you two actually friends or…?"

Jared looked at Evan, offended. "Are you kidding?" He walked over to the other boy and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "This guy here is one of my closest friends!"

Ezra kept his eyes straight ahead on Evan. "Yep, Jared you're definitely drunk."

"So how does your friendship work? Because I'll admit, I'm incredibly confused." Evan didn't mean to be so blunt, but blunt questions seemed to be the theme of the evening.

"I talk a lot, he really doesn't. It just works somehow. He's really awesome." Ezra just nodded along to Jared's answer. Suddenly, Jared's eyes opened wide. "Oh my god, Evan! You have to see what I found!" He grabbed Evan's arm and began dragging him back towards the house. "It's in my room!" Evan looked back at Ezra, who's face showed, if only for a second, a flash of apology. Jared dragged him through the house and into his room, closing the door behind him.

"Ok, what's so important that you had to show me this second? And why did you close the door?"

Jared was already rummaging around through the mess in his room. "Hold on a second… I found… HERE IT IS!" He triumphantly pulled out an old book. "It's our fifth-grade yearbook." He sat on his bed and gestured to Evan to do the same. "Look there's a photo here…" Jared flipped through the pages, until he found the page he was looking for, and aggressively pointed at the photo. "Look! Look right there!"

Evan pushed Jared's hand. "I can't look, you're blocking it." When he calmed Jared down enough, he saw the photo. "Oh." It was a photo of the two of them sitting together at lunch, talking and eating with a third kid. It took Evan a second, but he realized. "Is that—"

"Connor Murphy." Jared nodded.

"I don't remember this day…"

"You had forgotten your lunch, and you were about to freak out. I offered you my orange and a few chips, and Connor overheard us and sat down next to us, saying he didn't want to eat whatever supposedly healthy crap his mom made that day, and between the three of us we each had a decent meal. I just remember everything being kinda chill for once."

Evan found himself thinking and trying to remember the day. He was sure it had happened, but he couldn't remember it at all. "Anything else I should know about in this yearbook?" Jared's face lit up, and he and Evan spent a good portion of time looking back through the yearbook, entertaining the few odd knocks that came at the door (somebody had spilled something, Colton making sure they were ok and in fact not having sex, Maureen bursting in on them to try and dance with them and putting a flower crown on Evan's head, insisting on taking a selfie with both of them). But his mind kept going back to the mysterious lunch hour he couldn't remember. His thoughts were interrupted by an all too sudden change of music through the wall. "What the hell kind of music do you have going on out there?"

Jared shrugged. "I just put my music on shuffle." He listened for a second, then his face lit up. "This is a fantastic song! You know, it kinda reminds me of you."

Evan looked at him quizzically. "Really? What's it called?"

"It's 'Such a Loser' by Garfunkel and Oates."

"Ha ha, so funny Jared."

"No! Seriously, just… listen to the lyrics." Jared began singing along, a little drunkenly and off pitch, but Evan had never known what a fantastic voice Jared had. " _You are such a loser, good for you!/It's something that a lot of people can't do./Trying is hard, that's why people don't do it,/losing is hard, they can't make it through it,/but not you, you are such a loser./You are such a loser. Here's to you./'Cause you deserve a cheering section too._ "

Evan tried his best to not look impressed. "Well, that was lovely singing Jared but you literally just sang to me that I was a loser no fewer than three times."

"No, Evan, just—" Jared groaned. "It's all about, all about context, 'kay? They don't mean someone who's lame, they mean someone who's lost something. It's dedicated to people who keep going and trying things even after they fail, and… shit man, that's you. I mean… fuck, failing is terrifying, and I don't even know what that's like in your head. But still, you just shrug your shoulders off and keep moving."

Evan looked down. "It's not really quite like that…"

"Yes it is! It's fucking incredible!" He paused. "Evan, look at me." He lifted Evan's chin. "Look me in the eyes." Evan found he couldn't look away if he had tried. "You're incredible. You're so amazing, I have no idea what I'd do without you."

"You'd manage. You've got cool camp friends, and your family, and other people.

Jared shook his head. "No, I wouldn't. I need you. I was so worried when I heard you were in the hospital, and so relieved you just broke your arm." Evan took a moment to take the unprompted confession in. "You're so fucking brave and strong, and you have no fucking idea how proud I am to have you as a friend." Evan felt a warmth grow in him when Jared said this. _How does he do that? Make me feel so happy and warm inside?_

"Yeah, you're definitely drunk." Jared pouted, but it was in good humor. Evan noticed something, sitting there with Jared that he hadn't seen before. "Hey, your right eye, like, has some brown in it."

Jared giggled. "Sectoral heterochromia. Some people think it's pretty cool. If they don't make fun of me for it."

"No, I really like it. I think it's nice."

Jared began blushing and smiling uncontrollably. "God, Evan. 'Nice.' You're so cute, you're _so. Fucking. Adorable._ Like, do you understand that? God, Zoe would've totally fallen for you, if you'd just stuck to the plan."

Evan snorted. "Well, Zoe is hanging out with Alana right now. And I have a feeling before the end of the night that Alana is going to ask her out."

"Oh. My. God. You played matchmaker for Zoe?"

Evan nodded. "So uncharacteristic of me, right?" The two laughed a little bit. "She's just been such a great friend. I mean, I didn't really know what having good friends was like until recently, and it's… it's amazing." He turned back and looked in Jared's eyes. "I'm really grateful that you're in my life, Jared. You're not always easy, but you're…one of my closest friends. And I'm just really glad you've been there for me."

The two stared at each other for a while in a comfortable, warm silence. Evan was glad for moments like these, where the two were honest with each other. Even if he mostly had alcohol to thank for this moment, he was still glad he had this moment. And he wished they could stay in these moments forever, no sass, no aggressive language, just honesty, and friendship, and _warmth._

Suddenly and without warning, Jared leaned forward and before Evan knew what was happening, Jared's lips were pressed against his. Evan's eyes widened in surprise, and time froze in his panic. That one moment seemed to last an eternity to Evan, an eternity he could never fathom into logic. The warmth he had just felt turned ice cold. But just as quickly as it had started, he pulled away, and the second that lasted for eternity was over.

"What. The. Fuck." Evan's tone was horrified. Jared looked up at him, confused. "What the _fuck????_ "

"Hey, Evan said fuck."

" _What the fuck Jared?_ "

"Evan?"

"Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthe _fuck?????_ "

"Evan, just… just breath, um, shit…" he snapped. "Somebody here knows how to deal with attacks, I should probably—"

"Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck—" Evan ran out of the room, across the hall and into the bathroom, locking the door and repeating the three word phrase the entire time. He slammed his hands on the counter and balled them into fists. He took a deep, shaky breath and looked in the mirror. He wanted to figure out what had just happened, rationalize the event into something he could control, something he could take meaning from. But his mind only let one thought race by. _Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck…_

He felt the tears land on the back of his fist as he whispered the mantra over and over. His breathing became shaky, his vision became blurred, and it felt like the whole world fell away. It was just this, and now, and pain, and confusion. He sank to the floor, hugging his knees, shaking as he tried to think about anything other than what had happened. Everything just felt far away.

A quick knocking grounded him for a bit. "Hey." Ezra. "I need to pee."

"Aw, hell yeah, I'll be out soon." He quickly wiped his eyes and his nose on his sleeve, and tried to regulate his breathing enough to answer the door.

He swung open the door. "All yours," he mumbled, but before he could walk out, Ezra blocked his path.

"So cards on the table: I don't actually have to pee. Jared's just got this deer in the headlights look and won't explain what's happening, and you sounded like you were having trouble breathing. Can you tell me what happened?"

Evan shook his head. "I-I-I-I-I just, I mean I just-I just, I don't, I-I—"

"Shit. Come with me." Ezra pulled him along through the house and out the front door, avoiding the kitchen and living room. He sat Evan down on the steps leading up to the house. "Stay right here, ok? Someone will be out soon." Evan nodded through tears, slightly swaying back and forth. Ezra disappeared, and it wasn't long before he saw Colton run out.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Evan? Evan, just stay with me ok? You're ok. Can you breathe with me? Breathe in for ten seconds… and out for ten seconds… good, again, in… and out… your doing great, ok? Do you feel comfortable enough to talk? No? Ok, you wanna keep breathing? Ok, again, in… and out… ok keep breathing. You're doing perfect. You're ok, I'm right here with you, just stay with me and this will all be over soon, ok?"

Colton continued this for several minutes, regulating Evan's breathing, encouraging him, getting him to talk, and just speaking in soothing tones. Slowly, Evan's breathing became normal, and he stopped rocking, and the world returned, and Colton was sitting right in front of him, and he didn't feel far away. "Ok, good Evan. You're ok." Colton sighed "I think we should probably get you home, right?" Evan nodded slowly in response. "Do you need anything?" Evan shrugged. "Do you need physical contact? Would you like me to hug you?" Evan waited before nodding very slowly. Slowly and delicately, Colton placed his arms around Evan and pulled him close. As Evan's tears fell on his shoulder, he whispered in his ears and gently rubbed his hand on Evan's back. "You're ok, Evan. You're ok."

* * *

 

Evan wasn't entirely sure how he got home. But Colton was there, arm on his shoulder, leading him to his front door, and reminding him to take care of himself. And then, just as suddenly, he was entering his room, as if he had sleepwalked from the front door. He quietly changed his clothes and got in bed, his eyes watering as he fell asleep. He didn't check his texts until the next morning.

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> evan
> 
> evan pls anser me
> 
> evan i fucked p
> 
> i fucked up im so sorry
> 
> evan pls
> 
> im so stupid im so so sorry
> 
> i dont kno why the fukc i did that
> 
> im so fuckign sorry pls
> 
> evan r u ok?
> 
> pls repons
> 
> Hi Evan, this is Ezra. Jared told me what happened, he's drunk crying and throwing up right now and I confiscated his phone. I'm really sorry for the way Jared acts, and I'm sorry he did this shit to you. I know this can't be easy for you, but please just know that he'd never do anything to hurt you. He cares about you. Just give him a chance
> 
> He never meant to make it such a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOOO BOI THIS CHAPTER HURT TO WRITE. I will warn you: it does not get better from here for quite some time. A few notes on the characters mentioned in this chapter:  
> -Maureen is based on Maureen Johnson from Rent. (Ellie is also, very loosely, named after a broadway character.)  
> -Colton and the friends he mentioned are from a story (a musical) I'm writing called Losing Faith (pls ask me about it on my tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo)  
> -Ezra is a character I literally made up for his chapter. But he may appear again in the fic, kinda subtly. Who knows?
> 
> Thank you for all the support, the comments, and the kudos! If you want to bother me for any reason pls message me on tumblr @official-didney-worl-elmo


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared deals with a hangover and Zoe tries to convince Evan that first appearances aren't always correct.

Evan arrived at school early the next morning. He knew arriving earlier wouldn't actually make the day go by quicker, but the process of walking to school, just walking and focusing on a destination, provided a simple enough distraction for him. He didn't need to think about the events of the previous night, or how little sleep he'd actually gotten, or the texts he had seen this morning. But he had to leave early to make sure he wouldn't be late, but his anxiety resulted in him leaving too early and overestimating the time it took to get to school. He walked to his locker, grabbed his books, and slammed his head on the closed locker door.

 _Great, I have to distract myself for like thirty minutes. But there's like no one here except for the zero hour kids. Nobody else is insane enough to be here this early._ A sudden punch to his arm revealed this to be not entirely true. "Ow!"

"I can't believe you did that to me last night Evan! What the hell?" He turned his head and saw Alana fuming. "I can't believe you abandoned me!"

Evan rubbed the sore spot on his arm. "But I warned you! And I figured Zoe would be a good replacement. I mean, she was literally Connor's sister."  _What are the odds she'll realize I'm just repeating what she said?_

They were not very high. "But you left me alone with her! You know that wasn't supposed to happen until step seven of my plan at the earliest!"

Evan rolled his eyes. "That plan was ridiculous! And coming from me that's saying something. So how did it go?"

"I was mortified! I felt like I couldn't say anything one second and then I was rambling the next! We were just handing out the postcards downtown in near silence, just trying to spread the word about the Connor Project and the kickstarter, but it was so awkward. So she started joking, and before I knew it, we were talking and laughing—"

"That sounds great!"  _What's the problem?_

"I know!" Alana's face and voice remained angry. "And then before I knew it I asked her out!"

Evan's smile fell from his face, replaced with nervous anticipation. "…and?"

"…and I have a date this Saturday." The two stood there, unmoving for a few seconds.

Evan broke the silence with a chuckle. "That's good. That's great, really! I'm so happy for you Alana." Alana gave a small smile, blushing a little bit.

"Thanks I guess. Just so you know I'm still pissed that you did that. But, also… thank you for doing that."

Evan nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I guess… I dunno, I think I needed some good news today."

Alana gave a grim nod. "You can say that again."

"Yeah… Wait, what?" Evan took a step back. "Why? What are you talking about?"

"The kickstarter deadline is a week away—"

"Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on… what? I thought we had another week! You said that everything was going fine."

"It was, and we did, but I discovered in order to perform the transaction we need to be able to make a deal much earlier than we had anticipated."

"So what does that mean? We only have a week left now?"

"Realistically. The deadline could still go another week, but it might be too late, and I don't want to chance it."

Evan frowned. "No, you're… you're right, you're absolutely right. Ok, it's ok, we can—How much money do we have left to raise for the campaign?"

"Not much, just seventeen thousand dollars."

Evan winced at that number. It did not sound good. "Well, I'm sure we'll get there, we just—we just need to… you know, keep people engaged."

"Exactly. Which means you need to be more engaged."

"What? Why?"

Alana had a look on her face as if it was obvious. "People listen to you, Evan. Sure, Zoe is great and I had fun with her last night, but I really needed _you._ You're great at convincing people, and you're kind of the second face of the Connor Project, but you haven't been coming through recently." He could see she was becoming the slightest bit annoyed as she said this. "The kickstarter deadline is a week from now, and I feel like you're just like a thousand miles away. You haven't made any new videos, you haven't posted on the blog in, like, forever."

Evan shifted his weight to the outside of his right foot, balancing on it uncomfortably. "Well, I was, just… I've been busy."

"Busy with what?" Alana's question was innocent, and most of the answer was too. But the events of the previous night made him stop. He felt his heart rate rise.

"Just…different stuff. Look, I'll make some stuff tonight. Keep them engaged." Alana looked him up and down, her expression betraying her doubt. "Really! I promise!"

"Ok… I can announce how the timeline has shifted. Just say what you said about plans changing last night. It was good, and it may just convince some people."

"Convinced you." He gave a slightly smug smile.

"Yeah, whatever. Look, I have to go print out something in the computer lab. Can you just send me a script later? I can let you know if you need to add anything."

Evan nodded. "Sounds great. See you later." He turned to watch Alana walk towards the computer lab. But as she walked away, a familiar face approached, one that he rather wouldn't see. He turned on the spot and quickly began walking in the other direction.

"Evan!" He heard Jared from down the hall, but ignored him, continuing walking down the halls with no destination. _Just walk away from him._ But Jared caught up. "Look, Evan we need to talk."

Evan didn't stop walking and kept his head forward and eyes staring straight ahead. "About what?" _Wait, is she here?_ He made a turn down the hall and towards the junior lockers.

"About last night. The party?" Jared was struggling to keep up, trying to run in front of Evan so he would be forced to look at him.

"Oh right. Thanks for inviting me." Evan flashed an over-exaggerated smile. "Awesome party! I'm _so_ glad I came!" He dropped the sickly-sweet tone and rolled his eyes.

"You know what I mean, Evan. We need to talk about it." Evan kept walking. "Please, I messed up. I need to make it right. What can I do?"

"You can raise seventeen thousand dollars this week. You're supposed to be treasurer for the Connor Project."

"Right, right, you're right. If that'll get you to talk—"

"We really don't need to talk about it. Like, ever." Evan ducked into a classroom and through to another hall, repeating until he lost Jared and ended up at his intended destination. _Please be here…_ He rounded the corner, and sure enough, Zoe was there. She smiled at him.

"Hey Evan. What's up? Oh! I have jazz rehearsal after school today. Want to stay and watch the inner workings of the lamest kids in school?"

Evan laughed and nodded. "I'm sure you're not that lame, so yeah, I'll be there." Evan felt somebody grab his arm, and he turned around to see Jared had already found him.

"You can't just ignore me, Evan. We need to discuss this." Evan glared at Jared. He heard Zoe close her locker behind him, and saw Jared wince in pain. "Still a little hungover."

"No, really?" He shook Jared's hands off of his arms and turned back to Zoe. He whispered, though he knew Jared would probably hear. "Please start talking about literally anything I don't care what I just need to leave this situation."

Zoe looked at him, confused. "What's going on?" She looked from Evan to Jared, and seemed to understand something. "Practice room. Now." She led Jared and a begrudging Evan to the band room, opened a practice room, and had them enter. She closed the door on them and stood outside the room, as if guarding them.

"Shit." There was no way Evan could escape it now. He groaned in frustration, and slammed his hand on the piano keys. Jared winced again, and something within Evan found a sick satisfaction, a kind of schadenfreude in his pain. He hit the keys again. And once more. Before he did it the fourth time, though, Jared grabbed his hand. Evan looked up, furious. Jared carefully lowered Evan's hand, letting it drop to his side.

"Ok, I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be. But can you at least let me explain?"

Evan shook his head. "Actually, you—you know what, Jared? You don't need to, because, because I realized—I figured out what happened. You know? I think I understand what's going on."

"Really? Because I feel like you're going to jump to a lot of conclusions and stuff, so—"

"No, no, no, no it's just that I finally understand. I think I finally get what the deal is." Jared frowned, and moved to speak, but Evan cut him off first. "You like confusing me. I mean, like, I-I don't know why I haven't realized it before, but you take, you take some sort of… some sick enjoyment from confusing me."

"Evan…"

"So-so-so, you like, make fun of how I broke my arm, say you don't want to hang out, and then hang out, to, like, to catch me off guard, right?"

"Evan, no."

"No, no, no, but you just get closer, so when you do act like a jerk, it's that much more frustrating and confusing, you know? So you try really hard to pretend to be my friend, and-and-and get me closer to Zoe, and all this stuff, and so last night you know, that really, um… the…"

"I kissed you Evan. And it wasn't cool of me, and I'm really sorry that I did it, but this theory? It's just—"

"No, just stop, because, you know," he gave an unsettling, uncomfortable laugh, "I figured it out all right? And so I'm not gonna be confused anymore. So I'm just putting my foot down and saying I'm-I'm-I'm not doing it. I'm just, I'm not playing along anymore ok? I mean, it was clever and all but, but it's over ok? So we really don't need to discuss it further."

"Ok, Evan, just… slow down."

"You know, in fact, we don't really need to discuss anything. Ever again. We don't have to talk. At all."

"No, that's not—!"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no don't worry! I'll still tell your parents you're nice to me. But you know, you've got what you want now, you never have to speak to me again. And you know I'll be fine, not that you care, but I'll be fine because you know, people actually talk to me now. I know, right! 'Wonder or wonder, miracle of miracles,' I know so surprising, but again don't worry! I'll still say you're nice, that we're 'friends.' So your parents will pay for your fucking car insurance." Evan slammed his hands down on the keys, as hard as he could manage. While Jared was still hurting from that, he left the practice room and slammed the door as hard as he could.

Zoe looked up, alarmed. "Evan? Are you ok? What's up with Jared?"

Evan composed himself and flashed a smile. "Just peachy." He walked out of the band room, leaving behind Zoe to deal with Jared.

* * *

Evan spent the day looking at his phone, trying to write a captivating script that Alana would like enough to film. No matter what wrote in the script, no matter how many words he replaced, no matter how eloquent his vocabulary, he couldn't figure out the best way to say what he wanted to say. _And what exactly is it that we want to say in this video? Why can't we just make a simple blog post about the change?_ Nevertheless, he distracted himself, rewriting and revising and tweaking the script as needed. He barely payed attention in class, and he spent all of lunch in the library on his phone, unaware that he hadn't eaten anything for lunch. In fact, almost nothing really distracted him from writing until he got a message during his final period.

 

> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Hey Evan, its Ezra, you know from last night
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Yes I remember you
> 
>  
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Ok just making sure, you know
> 
> So I feel like we need to talk about last night because it was messed up and Im guessing youre not handling it well.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> You know, I'd really rather not talk about last night and I'm fine, really.
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Yeah, ok, so Jared already texted me about everything that happened this morning. Hes fairly certain youre ignoring his messages and hes concerned that you might not have eaten your lunch today.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Well that's not really for him to worry about since we're not friends.
> 
> And since I only know you from a party held by someone who is no longer my friend
> 
> I'm not really sure why you're talking to me?
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> I literally just said it was because of the events of last night. Also the events of this morning. Jared told me some of the stuff you said. I think youre really making this entire event out to be something that it isnt.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Well like I said I don't want to talk about last night.
> 
> And I don't understand the problem with what happened this morning.
> 
> I told Jared I would still tell his parents that we were friends, so they'll pay for his car insurance.
> 
> So what is there to talk about?
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> If the car insurance thing is something Jared has actually said then you know that he was completely full of shit saying that right? Like thats a really flimsy reason for a friendship, dont you think?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> He did say that to me.
> 
> Multiple times.
> 
> And I have no idea what other reason he would have to be friends with me.
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Because he likes you, you absolute fucking walnut.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> "Walnut"
> 
> Just like acorn
> 
> (because haha so funny I fell out of a tree and nobody came to get me)
> 
> I bet the two of you laughed your asses off over that
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Jared called me near panicking when he heard you were in the hospital. He couldnt get information and was worried that it was something much more serious. Look Evan, youre angry. Thats completely understandable. Whats not understandable is what youre doing because of it. How youre trying to logic yourself into a conclusion that just isnt logical.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> What do you mean?
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> He likes confusing you. Really? Thats the explanation you came up with?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> That's the only thing that makes sense, I've been playing it through my head since it happened.
> 
> What, do you have a better theory?
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Literally thousands of them. Many of them implying the exact opposite of what yours implies. It mostly seems like you just wanted an explanation that would end in that conclusion that Jared hates you, because its more consistent with what you know about Jared than anything to the contrary.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Yeah, so to be honest my opinion of you is only slightly higher than my opinion of Jared
> 
> Which is not that high to begin with
> 
> So I am taking literally everything you say with a grain of salt
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Give me one piece of evidence that he doesnt like you.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I can chronicle almost 18 years worth of evidence
> 
> Where shall I start?
> 
> I can talk about the first day of school, he mocked how I broke my arm, and bragged about how great his summer was.
> 
> At camp.
> 
> With you guys.
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> He was miserable at camp. He hated every second he had to stay there. Yeah, me and Maureen and Ellie and the others convinced him to stay but he just wanted to go home the entire time. He only stayed because he got to hang out with us. He didn't really have fun.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> That's not what I heard.
> 
> Capture the flag? Second base with some Israeli girl?
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> Yeah, capture the flag was pretty much  _the_ high point for him. He worked really hard, but afterwards said that the victory felt hollow. He didnt hang out with us after. He just kinda stayed on his bunk, not even fully responsive to us. And as for the girl, they both claimed to have done that, but they refused to elaborate and didnt really say anything to each other for the rest of camp. Most of us are straight up convinced it never happened.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Is this supposed to make me feel bad for him?
> 
> Because I don't.
> 
> He's been nothing but a bully and an asshole to me.
> 
> Honestly I'm glad he didn't have a good summer, because in case you weren't aware mine was pretty shit too.
> 
> **Ezra Schwarz**
> 
> At the very least you must realize that making those loud noises while Jared had a hangover is a dick move right?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> So is pretending to be someone's friend just to turn around and hurt them

Evan locked his phone, ignoring the consistent vibrations from what he was sure was Ezra's longwinded and pointlessly detailed messages. He gripped his pencil tighter, copying down what was on the board without knowing the meaning of it. When the bell rang he walked out, but the notifications didn't cease.

He pulled out his phone and put it on airplane mode. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" he mumbled into his device. He thought he saw some people give him a funny look but he didn't care. He walked out of school the back way, where he'd be less likely to run into—well, where he'd be less unlikely to run into others.

* * *

Evan found himself continually confused by the sound of his own doorbell. Or perhaps just the frequency with which it seemed to ring since the start of senior year. Befuddled once more, he opened the door to find Zoe Murphy standing on the other side.

"Hey. So, you ditched me at jazz band rehearsal. I saw you walking away from the band room in the hallway, talking to your phone."

Evan looked mortified. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Wait, rehearsal isn't over yet. Shouldn't you be back there?"

Zoe shrugged. "I'll use the old 'dead brother' excuse. That's gotta last me at least another month or so, right?" She grinned, and Evan flashed an empty smile at the morbid joke. "I wasn't all that invested in today's practice anyway. Plus I wanted to hang with you. Can I come in?" Evan quickly stepped aside and let her in. "So what Parks and Rec episode have you got on today?"

"I've stopped watching it." Evan said flatly. "I've been spending too much time watching it, it's really distracted me from more important things."

Zoe gave an understanding smile, but then raised her eyebrows. "And Jared was the one who got you hooked on the series, right?"

Evan looked up, shocked that Zoe had read him so easily. _We’re not talking about that right now._ Evan cleared his throat. "Actually, I was just working on a script for another Connor Project video. Would you mind taking a look at it?"

"Sure." Evan led her back to his room. The two sat down on the side of Evan's bed and he pulled open the document that he had been working on all day. He still felt it was missing something, but figured it was as close as he was going to get to what he wanted. She finished reading and turned back to him. "I think it's missing something."

Evan sighed. "Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind. What can I add? What can I do to make it work?"

"Try adding a line like… this." She typed and suddenly Evan saw the missing piece fall into place.

"Yes! That's exactly what this needed. Oh, Zoe, you're a lifesaver. I'll try sending this to Alana."

"Yeah." The keys on Evan's keyboard clacked as he started drafting the email. "Hey are you ok? Because the bags under your eyes are huge, and nobody remembers seeing you eating anything at lunch."

Evan shrugged. "I'm fine. Bit of a rough twenty-four hours, but I'll get through it." He deleted the draft he had, it was too generic.

"Ok, so I have to tell you the truth. I didn't just come over here because you didn't come to jazz band."

"Oh?" He rewrote the email again. He didn't want to sound too annoyed or too condescending or too… anything in the email.

"Jared asked me to talk to you."

Evan stopped. He shut his laptop and turned back to Zoe. "Why?"

"He told me what happened last night."

Evan turned away and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I shouldn't have left you alone with him at the practice room."

"No, not this morning. Last night."

Evan blinked. "What."

"He drunk texted me. He had to explain some of the… less intelligible things he sent. But he said a lot. And this morning he said that you said a lot."

"Oh?"

"Did you really accuse him of kissing you so that he could have fun pranking and confusing you?"

Evan threw a hand in the air, annoyed. "I don't get why that's such a ridiculous conclusion!"

Zoe scoffed. "Because when people kiss you, it usually means the opposite of what you seem to think it does."

"But Jared's never liked me. Not until recently. Or, at least I thought he did recently, but I guess I was wrong about that too." Evan put his face in his hands. "I just…I can't lie around him. I always tell him the truth. He knows more about me than…maybe anyone else. And he knew about my feelings whether I wanted to tell him or not, and so he knew when he was doing it…"

Zoe furrowed her brows. "What are you talking about?"

Evan shook his head. "I never expected my first kiss to be life changing, or mind blowing, or in any way good, but why did it have to be with Jared?"

Zoe leaned back. "You mean that was your first kiss?"

"And Jared knew it." He could see her starting at him from the corner of his eyes, sympathetic. He was starting to grow uncomfortable with all the pity he received. "Now do you see why I came to the conclusion I did?"

Zoe took out her phone. "Ok, I'm about to break a promise I made so you cannot tell Jared I told you this." Evan finally looked back up, confused. "I'm about to tell you some of the things he told me last night. Now, there's going to be a lot of clarification and paraphrasing because, as you know, he was pretty damn wasted."

"I don't… I don't want to hear this."

"No, you definitely do." She was already scrolling through her older messages. "Ok… here. Right here. Ok, so he talked about how earlier in the year he came over to your house. It was the day I confronted you about the letter I think?"

"Right, about how he came over to gossip and I almost threw him out but caved and let him stay?"

"I didn't know that. In fact, he saw a much smaller moment as being more important."

"What do you mean."

"He says that you were talking, and somewhere you said 'darn' or 'heck' or one of those Evan Swears."

He rolled his eyes. "I can swear."

"Yeah, I know, he told me your reaction to last night too. Anyway you said something like that, but he replied with a really played out joke, 'I know you're excited, but let's watch the fucking language,' and he said you just burst into laughter. He said he hadn't heard laughter from you in years. And the fact that he caused that genuine laughter, and I'm quoting him here, 'made him feel warm inside.' He couldn't believe such a beautiful laugh came from a person so sad."

Evan snorted. "Yeah right. He only gets enjoyment from my misery."

"Or, edgelord, he really likes you and has difficulty expressing it. Can't you tell he thinks you're great?" Evan shook his head, not as a response to the question, but just a kind of disbelief. Zoe sighed. "He said there's nothing like your laughter, sort of goofy, but perfect and…real. He said he never knew how wonderful that laughter could make someone feel."

Evan eyed her doubtfully. His hands reached down and grabbed the fabric of his hoodie. Zoe continued. "And he knows whenever you get nervous you just play with the hem of your shirt." She pointed and he quickly stopped it. "Like that! And he's noticed you can name all of the plants they have outside of the school in the dirt. But he keeps it all inside his head, what he sees he leaves unsaid." Evan turned his head away. Zoe didn't stop. "And though he might want to, he just can't talk to you, he just can't find the way. But still I hear him say—" she put her hand on his shoulder, and he turned to face her. "If I could tell him, tell him everything I see, if I could tell him how he's everything to me… but we're a million worlds apart." He looked down at his hands. _Could I really be this wrong about him?_ "And… I don't know where I would even start, if I could tell him. If I could tell him…"

Evan didn't look up. "Him saying all that? I just… I find it a little hard to believe."

"Well, there's more here." She began scrolling through her messages again.

Evan turned to her, wide-eyed and putting his hands up in protest. "No, no, no, no, no, I don't need to hear it all that's fine—"

"Too late, already found more. He thinks that you look really pretty—or rather, it feels pretty nice when you smile at him and you stare."

Evan raised an eyebrow, frowning. "He does?"

Zoe nodded. Her expression softened, concerned. "And he worries that you get so trapped inside your mind when the world doesn't care." Evan stood up and began pacing. _This is just… too much._ "But he keeps it all inside his head, what he sees he leaves unsaid. 'If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him how he's everything to me.'"

Evan looked up, unable to reconcile what Zoe was saying with what he thought to be true. In fact, only one thing made sense in all of it. "But we're a million worlds apart…"

Zoe nodded and smiled, standing up, and reaching out to grab his shoulder. He quickly moved away to the other side of the bed. She continued. "'And I don't know where I would even start. If I could tell him, if I could tell him.' But what do you do when there's this great divide?" She moved to face him, but he turned around and crossed her.

Evan didn't know what to think. "He just seems so far away…"

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"

Evan shook his head and stared helplessly at the floor. "It's like I don't know anything!"

"And how do you say, 'I love you…'" Evan turned around, shocked. "I love you…" Evan shook his head, just mouthing the word _no_ over and over. "I love you." Zoe took a few steps forward and grabbed his shoulders. He looked up, fear in his eyes, to meet her empathetic gaze. "I love you!"

Evan walked around and sat back down on the bed. Zoe sat down next to him. "So… so Jared _loves_ me?"

Zoe shrugged, and gave an enigmatic smile. "But we're a million worlds apart. And I don't know where I would even start." She scooted closer to him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. "If I could tell him." He looked up at Zoe, now just a few inches from his face. In the span of a few minutes everything he knew about Jared was thrown into question. _So Jared has feelings for me? What? Why? How do I feel about that? I just… I just wish I could sort my feelings out once and for all._ "If I could tell him…" She stayed staring at him for a few seconds, neither talking or moving.

The scene that occurred next played out in slow motion to Evan. Maybe it was the familiarity of it, maybe it was the fact that he couldn't change the outcome, maybe it was just that he had wanted this for so long, but just not like this, and certainly not anymore. But Zoe leaned forward, and her lips were on his, and he couldn't breathe or even pull away for a few seconds. When Zoe looked up and realized what she had done she was mortified. She had nearly convinced him of Jared's feelings, of the reason for all the craziness, why Jared had kissed them. And with one brash and stupid action, she had undone it all.

"What the _fuck_ , Zoe?!" He scooted as far away from her as he could.

She looked at him, as if about to apologize, but quickly looked down as if remembering something. "Shit, what time is it?"

"In what world did you think that would go over well?"

She checked her phone. "Shit, we're late."

"Are you even listening to me?"

She looked up at him, deadly serious. "We have somewhere we need to be."

Evan shook his head, almost laughing at the scene. "Great! Go! Leave! Now!"

She grabbed his arm. "No, you need to come too."

He shook her arm off his. "Like _hell_ I'm going anywhere with you!"

She grabbed his arm again. "You don't have a choice."

"Let go of me! I'm not going anywhere with you!"

Evan did not remember any of the following struggle. He had images of holding onto corners and doorframes as Zoe literally dragged him out of the house, he had images of running as far away from her as he could, of trying to lock himself in the bathroom, of trying to escape out the window. But the next thing he could consciously process was sitting in the backseat of Zoe's car, weighing the risk of jumping out. Apparently, she read could tell what he was thinking because she locked the car that second. "Don't do anything stupid, Evan. We're almost there. Just… hold on until the end of this evening. Everything will be fine."

Within a few minutes, they had pulled into Zoe's driveway. "What's going on? Why are we here?"

"You'll see. If they ask where we were, jazz band rehearsal went late."

"I don't want to go in."

Zoe sighed. "This sucks, there's no sugar coating that, and you can hate me all you want later. But for now, I need you to come inside and just be here. Ok?" Evan scoffed. " _Ok?_ "

Evan shrugged, but didn't resist getting out of the car and walking to the front door. _Whatever. Just another stupid dinner. I can survive that. And then I can leave forever if I want. Which I do._ Still, as he thought this he couldn't help but feel this dinner was going to be anything but normal. Had he payed any attention to his surroundings, he would've seen a very familiar car on the street that confirmed this dinner with the Murphy's was going to be far from normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes. That happened. This was such an interesting chapter to plan, and I had fun trying to adapt the lyrics for the song to fit Evan, even though almost the same thing is happening in the song. Also I'm glad to have had an excuse to include Ezra in this chapter. The characters from the last chapter will make appearances (mostly in the form of texts) for the rest of the fic, so that makes me happy. Also, I created some exposition to make up for a time gap that I created (largely bc the action in AWE moves a little bit quicker than the action in the show). You may have suspicions about where the next chapter is going to go, and suffice to say that if you thought these last two chapters were bad, the next few are going to be brutal.
> 
> Also, this fic recently passed 100 kudos, 1500 hits, and 50k words! Thanks for being so supportive and writing such nice things in the comments, let me tell you I'm loving all of them and I have several saved on my phone. I really appreciate the time you guys take to leave kudos and comments, and I really like that you keep sticking with me even though the chapters keep getting longer and the story is ridiculous as it is. As always, you can message me about this fic, or deh, or musical theater, or just about anything on tumblr, http://official-didney-worl-elmo.tumblr.com  
> Thanks as always for being so nice and supportive!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Murphy's meet Heidi and Evan is congratulated.

Zoe checked her phone as she walked into the house. "Shit, it's late." Evan followed inside, completely pissed off at her. He heard her parents laughing about something in the other room. _Ok, I can put up with her for them._ "Sorry we're late, band went long again!" Zoe called to the other room.

"We're just in here, enjoying a glass of wine getting to know each other," Cynthia called back. _Is there someone else over? Then why do I need to be here?_

Zoe and Evan walked into the living room, and Larry stood up. "We invited your mom to come join us for dinner tonight." Evan's eyes opened wide as he looked passed Larry and saw his mom standing by the couch.

"Mom…" Evan did not like where this is going, considering he had lied about half of the times he said he was hanging out with Jared. _What's going on here?_

"I didn't realize that Evan was, uh… that you would be joining us!" Heidi's voice was polite and cheerful, but it clearly held a kind of confusion that would need to be addressed later.

Cynthia looked back and forth between the mother and son. "I… I'm sorry, I didn't think to tell you."

Zoe casually strolled over to the couch and reached out her hand. "Hi, I'm Zoe it's nice to meet you. I'm Connor's sister—well, obviously." Evan had to actively stop himself from rolling his eyes. _Great, now my ex-friend is introducing herself to my mother. Just seconds after literally forcing me into her car. And lying about where we were. Wonder how this is gonna play out._

Heidi stood there, unsure what to think. "Oh. Good." Evan grabbed Zoe's arm and pulled her back.

"Did you know about this?" His voice was hushed but his tone was urgent, angry even.

"Yeah, it was my idea." Evan stood there, mouth agape. He mouthed _why?!?!?_ in the hopes of receiving any explanation without being embarrassed further or being made more uncomfortable.

"Why don't you guys come sit down?" _Does Larry still think we're dating or something? We're just fri—well, not even that anymore._

He turned to him mom and adjusted his expression, no longer angry but just cautious. "I thought you were working tonight?" He sat down on the chair that had just been occupied by Larry, while Zoe sat on the arm of the couch, next to her mother.

"Well, this seemed more important, so I'm… playing hooky!" Heidi laughed at this as she sat back down on the couch. She returned Evan's gaze with a look he took to mean _you better explain to me what's going on soon,_ but he could only reply with a small, imperceptible shrug. He had no clue either.

"We were just talking about the Connor Project, all the hard work you've put in." Cynthia kept her tone friendly and light, oblivious to the growing pressure between Evan and both of the women surrounding her.

 _We need to talk about something else. Literally anything else._ "Something smells good!" _Sure, let's go with that._

Cynthia smiled. "Chicken Milanese." _Where exactly was that supposed to go?_ Evan looked at the floor.

"I didn't realize you were spending so much time here!" He could see her smiling, but could sense the prying in her voice.

"Not that much time. You've been working a lot."

"…why did I think you were always at Jared's?" The accusation was only thinly veiled as conversational and curious. Evan could sense the storm brewing under the surface.

"I was a lot of the time."

Cynthia looked back and forth between the two, just starting to notice some of the issues. "Evan, you call and tell your mother when you're staying for dinner."

Evan nodded. "Of course." _She never picks up._

Larry spoke from the other side of the room where he was standing. "Rest assured we take very good care of him. We give him a good meal when he's over so he's well fed, and my wife is a wonderful cook."

"How nice." Evan wondered how long he and his mother could keep it together.

"Evan was showing me all of the scholarship contests that you found…" _Is Zoe trying to change the subject?_ "It's really impressive, there are like a million."

Heidi turned to face Zoe. "Evan is a great writer."

"I don't find that hard to believe at all." Larry flashed a quick smile at Evan as he said this, but it made Evan's stomach do a flip.

"His teacher last year for English said he wrote one of the best papers she'd ever read about Sulu."

While Heidi and Cynthia shared a laugh, Evan cringed a little at his mom's explanation, looking away from them. "…It's _Sula_."

Heidi turned to him. "What'd I say?"

"Sulu."

"Ok…" She chuckled, as if what she said hadn't completely changed the context. Evan knew it was an honest mistake, but he couldn't help but feel annoyed.

Larry jumped in to diffuse the tension. "Sulu is a character on _Star Trek_ , I believe."

Cynthia laughed a bit at this. Heidi just smiled and said, "my mistake."

"Speaking of scholarships…" Zoe turned to her parents for support. _What the hell are you doing, Zoe?_

Larry shrugged. "I guess now's as good a time as any." He moved across the room and behind the couch. "Cynthia, do you want to…?" He took the glass from her hand, and she turned to Heidi.

"Zoe had mentioned to us the other day that Evan was having some difficulty in terms of…" Cynthia paused, as if trying to figure out the most delicate way to put the words that followed. "…the financial burdens of college." Evans eyes became wide. His head snapped to look at Zoe. _Why would you say that?_ he mouthed. Zoe pointedly looked at her mom and then back to Evan. Evan just turned away and began staring at the floor again. "Larry and I started thinking about it and… we were very fortunate to have been able to set aside some money for our son." _Where is this going…? This isn't… because if it is…_

Cynthia choked up at this, and Larry put a hand on her shoulder. She held up a hand, slightly laughing and saying, "no, I'm ok, I'm ok." She shook her head and clasped her hands together. "I called you this morning to invite you to come join us for dinner tonight, Heidi, because… first of all, because we want to thank you for allowing your son to have come into our lives." She gestured to Evan, who avoided his mother's gaze. Larry came up behind Evan, putting a hand on his shoulder and affectionately rubbing his back. Evan cringed at this. _This entire night is so uncomfortable, can't it just end?_ "He's done so much for us and we've just come to love him to pieces."

Cynthia turned back to Heidi, who had now dropped the smile entirely. "And with your blessing… we would like to give Evan some of the money we put away for our son." _Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no this is not good._ "So that he can use it to make his life better just like he's made our lives better."

"What do you think?" Larry asked. _I need to get out of here._

Heidi looked away, looking around as if searching the rest of the room would help her find an explanation to this, any clue as to how she should feel. "Wow." She whispered. She chuckled a little bit. Evan could tell it wasn't a good humored-chuckle. "I don't know what to say, I…"

Larry cut in. "It would be such a gift to us if we could do this for Evan!"

Cynthia echoes this statement. "It would be a tremendous gift!" Evan just wanted to shout, to scream _You're making it worse!_ but no words could escape his lips and he found himself transfixed, wondering what his mother would do. She just stared at Evan, and he could see a seething anger behind those eyes.

"Well, thank you so much, but we're gonna be just fine. I mean, I don't have a lot of money but I do have some—"

Cynthia seemed to realize part of her mistake, but Evan realized it was a bit too late. "No, no! I didn't mean at all to say—"

Heidi stood up, backing away from the other mother. "No, no, no, no! I-I understand. It's just that we do have money. So, I'm sorry that you were under the impression that we didn't." She gestured to Evan as she said this. _I'm not the one who told them this. And we really don't have money._ "And, uh, whatever money we don't have Evan will either get a scholarship or he'll go to community college, and I think that's, uh…" The five looked around the room, between each other, not sure what to say. Cynthia and Larry seemed very disappointed. Evan was still livid with Zoe, who had only just begun to look regretful of this decision. Heidi just avoided everyone's gaze. "You know, I think that's the best thing for us to do, you know, I don't want Evan to get the idea that it's ok to rely on other people for favors."

"It's not a favor…" Larry protested. Cynthia nodded along to this. _Too late. Too late too late too late too late I am so screwed._

Heidi raised her voice. "Well, but as his mother I need to set that example for him, you know? That you can't expect things from strangers!"

Cynthia stood up. "We are not strangers!" She took offense to this and while Evan didn't understand, he didn't blame her. _I just want this to be over. Could this get any worse?_

Heidi finally replied, letting the comment make its way through her head. "No. No, of course not." Nobody said anything. What more was there to say? "…Thank you for the wine. It was delicious." She walked over and set her glass down.

"You're not staying for dinner?" Cynthia seemed appalled. Evan stood up, and Zoe moved as if to say something to him, but stayed back.

"No, no, I think I'd better go to work." She walked back to the couch and grabbed her purse as Cynthia protested. "No, if I'd known Evan was so concerned about our finances, I never would've taken the night off in the first place." She spat these final words out with venom as she passed Evan. _That's how it could get worse._

He looked back at Zoe. Not only had she ruined their friendship, she had quickly ruined any chance at reconciliation. There was hurt in his eyes. He had never gotten close enough to be betrayed before. But now he had experienced it two, maybe three times within 24 hours. "I should…" he pointed to the door, "I really need to…" he turned and walked out, walking out the front door and following Heidi down the driveway and to her car. He shouted after her, "Mom!"

She shook her head, not turning around as she unlocked the car. "I can't believe this Evan… I can't believe you."

"I didn't ask for any of this—"

"Just get in Evan!" she yelled.

Evan scoffed. "I thought you were going into work."

"We are not discussing this, get in." Evan begrudgingly sat down in the passenger's seat. The two sat in icy silence all the way home.

* * *

"What the _hell_ was that, Evan?" Heidi slammed the door behind the two of them.

"I made one off-hand comment to Zoe about the essays, I didn't think she'd do that."

"No, Evan, what the hell were they saying about you coming over there so often?"

"Well, you know, it's not going to happen that much anymore, so—"

"Why didn't I know about any of this?"

"Well, you don't know a lot of things, you didn't know about Connor, you didn't know about the speech—"

"Because you never told me!"

"—You don't know that I hate writing now—"

"Since when?"

Evan turned back, furious. " _Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why: somebody screwed you over last night but you're never going to have to talk to him again! Somebody else will try and fix that, only to make two colossal mistakes in a row so you'll never have to see her again either! That's two fake friends that you've successfully cut out of your life—_ "

"See, what does that even mean? You aren't telling me anything!"

" _—and more good news comes from these screw-ups! Your mom's staying home to talk to you for once, since she's never actually around, since she's never there for you, so you don't have to go to the Murphy's just to get dinner! That's a nice change for once, right?_ " Evan walked into the living room, not looking back. He didn't want to talk about it.

"Do you know how mortifying it is to find out that your son has been spending every night in somebody else's home and you didn't even know it? You told me you were at Jared's!"

He wanted to say she wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. That's not what came out of his mouth though. "And I was most of the time! If you're not here why does it matter where I am?" He turned around. _Just this once, I get to be angry._

Heidi turned to Evan as if it should be obvious. "Uh… they think you're their _son_. The-th-these _people—_ "

"They're not these people they're my—" _What are they? Especially now with the Zoe thing?_

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE THEY?"

"I DON'T KNOW, STOP!" He walked away from her, trying to find some way to escape the situation.

"Because they act like you're their—Like they've _adopted_ you! Like I'm just—like I don't even exist!"

"They take care of me!"

"They're not your parents! Hey! That's not your family Evan!"

"They're nice to me!" Evan threw his arms back and practically spat this words out at his mother.

Heidi took a few steps back. "Well they're lovely, lovely people."

"Yeah." _Better than you right now. And hey, at least we'll never have to see them again._

"They don't know you!"

"And you do?"

"I thought I did."

"What? What do you know about me, you don't know anything about me, you never even see me!" All the feelings, the resentment, the anger, it was all coming out of him now.

"Hey I am trying my best!"

"They like me, 'cause I know how hard that is to believe, that they don't that I'm like—that there's something wrong with me, that I need to be _fixed_ like you do—"

"Ok, wait!" Heidi ran across the room, protesting, but Evan continued.

"Yes! No, no, no, I have to go to _therapy_ , I have to take drugs!"

"I'm your mother, my job is to take care of you!"

"No, I know, I'm such a burden, I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you, I just—I ruined your life!"

"You! Are the only… the one good thing that's ever happened to me, Evan!" Evan stayed quiet, still very angry. "Sorry I can't give you anything more than that! Shit!" She was practically in tears as she said this.

"Well it's not my fault other people can." Evan didn't know why he said that. Just a few minutes ago he had resolved to never return to the Murphy household. Now he was defending them as if his life depended on it.

Heidi turned around, speechless. Evan wanted to run, wanted to leave, but where could he go from here? "So you found a place where the grass is greener? And you jumped the fence to the other side. Is it good? Are they giving you a world I could never provide?" Evan shook his head, turned around. "Well, I hope you're proud of your big decision! Yeah, I hope it's all that you want and more. Now you're free from the agonizing life you were living before!" He began walking towards his room, but could hear his mother's voice following him.

"And you say what you need to say so that you get to walk away! It would kill you to have to stay trapped when you've got something new." He turned his head over his shoulder, but just shook his head, unable to think of anything to say. "Well I'm sorry you had it rough, and I'm sorry I'm not enough. Thank god they rescued you!" Evan walked into his room and collected his things. "So you got what you always wanted, so you got your dream come true, good for you! God for you, you—You got a taste of a life so perfect, so you did what you had to do. Good for you, good for you!" He slammed the bedroom door behind him, lay down on his bed and waited to fall asleep. But sleep never came.

* * *

"What happened to the script, Evan? You were supposed to send it to me last night!" Of all the things Evan did not want to deal with, Alana…actually fell pretty low on the list, compared to other things. He closed his locker and turned around to talk with her.

"I've got it all written up, I'll send it when I get home."

"You promised you'd do it last night!"

"And I did! God forbid I get busy or actually have other things to deal with besides the Connor Project." He tried to move to merge with the crowd leaving school for the day, but Alana blocked him. "If you let me get home, I can send it sooner."

"What's going on with you? The deadline is approaching on the kickstarter and—"

"Yeah, I got it, blog, videos, 'please donate more money to reopen this arbitrary location,' I mean, is that really the best use of the money even?"

"What's going on with you? You look exhausted, nobody's seen you at lunch in two days, you're not acting like your usual self."

"So?"

"So people are becoming worried! You're scaring us."

Evan snorted. "Scaring who? Nobody cares about me."

"Jared and Zoe care about you, and so many others in the school—"

"Jared and Zoe don't care about me, ok? They never gave a shit about me or anyone but themselves, and the same goes for any other 'friends' who only talk to me because I'm president—sorry, _co_ -president of the Connor Project."

"Well, as your co-president, I care about you and I'm worried sick about you and your behavior recently."

"Why do you care? I mean, really why do you care about any of this, about the Connor Project?"

"Because it's important…"

"You didn't know Connor at all, you weren't his friend."

"He was a—"

Evan stopped her. "Close acquaintance. Right. Got it. You keep saying that, what the hell does it mean?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"It's just have you ever noticed that you have so many close acquaintances, but no friends?" Evan chuckled a bit and shook his head. "I've always thought we're alike Alana, the difference is I've always known how lonely I am, I've never tried to hide it. Meanwhile, you—you delude yourself, telling yourself that close acquaintances are enough because you can't make any friends! I don't even know if you know how to be friends with somebody. And take it from somebody knows because he's experienced it, people who say they're friends with people like us are just trying to get something out of you."

Alana stared back, mouth agape. "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Evan shook his head and gave a bitter smile. "It means have fun on your date with Zoe this weekend." He walked away, leaving Alana alone and confused. But as he left the school, he saw a familiar pair of glasses trying to catch his eye.

"Evan—" He pushed past Jared, bumping his shoulder, and walked on with the intent to ignore him. But as he walked away, Jared grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the rush of people. "We need to talk."

"Like I said yesterday, we really don't."

"Evan, I don't think you understand—"

"No I understand perfectly! You pretend to be nice to me, and-and-and invite me to your house and be my friend, and you-you kiss me because, I dunno, you want to make fun of me, or you know you think I'm _gay_ , as if I haven't been obsessed with Zoe for years—"

"Don't you think I've noticed that? Don't you think that's something I've had to keep with me and deal with every day for the past several years of my life?"

"And so when all that isn't enough, you actually have Zoe come talk to me, only for her to confuse me even more so you two can laugh your asses off about the whole thing, becoming friends, all while you figure out how to screw her over. Because that's what you do Jared, you enjoy playing with other people and then talking behind their back with your other 'friends' all while figuring out how to screw them over too, so you can laugh with them because that's the only way you know how to behave, is by ruining other people's lives, because you don't have any real friends Jared! You never cared about me which is fine, because I don't give a shit about you, you could die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter to me!"

Jared took a step back. Had Evan payed any attention he would've recognized heartbreak in Jared's face. He choked back tears and just whispered, "Fuck you Evan. Asshole." He turned around and ran away. Evan rolled his eyes and continued walking out of school.

"Hey!" He kept walking, not wanting to talk to anyone. He was spun around and found himself face to face with Zoe Murphy. "I saw what you just did with Alana and Jared. I know you're upset but you're acting like a dick and it's pissing me off."

Evan scoffed, eyes wide. "Really? No. After the shit you pulled last night, you do not get to be angry with me." He turned back around and kept walking right out of school, ignoring Zoe as she incessantly followed him and tried to talk with him, until she gave up and left him alone. _That's how it's always been, me alone. Why should anything be different now?_

* * *

"Does it cross your mind to be slightly sorry?

Do you even care that you might be wrong?

Was it fun? Well I hope you had a blast while you dragged me along.

 

And you say what you need to say, and you play who you need to play

And if somebody's in your way crush them and leave them behind.

Well I guess if I'm not of use go ahead, you can cut me loose

Go ahead now, I won't mind."

* * *

Evan slammed the door to his room, aware that the house was empty and he was alone. He could only process two emotions, the fist being a seething rage he never knew he had in him. The second was harder to place, but a nagging voice in the back of his mind told him it was fear. _Why am I doing this? What's wrong with me?_ He focused on the rage. It was easier to direct. He opened his laptop and finished the email to Alana that had been open since yesterday.

> _Here's your fucking script._

He sent it without a second thought. But he couldn't get that nagging fear to leave him alone. And as the anger subsided, he couldn't do anything from focus on it. He jumped when he saw a figure in the corner of his room.

"Mom? But you're—" _Oh no. It's fine, she's just in your imagination. She can't… she can't hurt you._

The figure emerged from the corner, and it took Evan everything he had to accept that it was his imagination. "I'll shut my mouth and I'll let you go, is that good for you? Would that be good for you, you, you?"

He backed up towards his desk, only to find another figure waiting for him, this one resembling Alana. "I'll just sit back while you run the show, is that good for you? Would that be good for you, you, you?"

He opened the window for some fresh air, now feeling the inexplicable terror take over. "All I need is some time to think—"

A figure resembling Jared emerged from the window. "I'll shut my mouth and I'll let you go."

Evan took a step back, trying to avoid the figures closing in on him. "But the boat is about to sink."

"Is that good for you?"

"Can't erase what I wrote in ink—"

"Would that be good for you, you, you?"

"Tell me how could I change the story?" He tried to walk back to his bed, but an imaginary Zoe blocked his path. "All the words that I can't take back—"

"I'll just sit back while you run the show."

"Like a train coming off the track—"

"Is that good for you?"

"As the rails and the bolts all crack!"

"Good for you?"

"I gotta find a way to STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST LET ME OUT!" He screamed this to the heavens, well aware that nobody was actually listening. He ran around his room in a confused panic, but kept running into the people in his mind. He felt them taunting him as he tried to escape.

"So you got what you always wanted, so you got your dream come true, good for you! Good for you, you—You got a taste of a life so perfect!"

He realized the figures were right. He hadn't been himself recently. "Now you say that you're someone new," he chided himself. He turned to each of the figures, still yelling at him

"Good for you!" He backed away from Heidi, only to run into Alana.

"Good for you!" He turned to find himself facing Jared.

"Good for you!" He felt as though he were pushed by Jared into Zoe.

"Good for you!" Evan slid across his bed and threw open his bedroom door, only to reveal Connor.

"So you got what you always wanted?"

Evan backed away from the apparition of the dead boy, tripping on something behind him, causing him to fall and hit his head against the bed. Connor's eyes opened wide. "Whoa, you ok there? Just me." Evan looked around the room to find that it was once more empty, save for him and the—ghost? Figment of his imagination? _Whatever._ He rubbed the back of his head, and looked at the ground to see what he had tripped on. _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe._ He picked it up and hurled it towards the doorway, but it completely missed the figure. Maybe. "I'm not here. Even if you'd thrown it at me it wouldn't have done anything."

"I know!" Evan snapped. He looked down at the ground for a few seconds unsure of what to say. He sighed and hugged his knees to his chest. Connor came over and sat down next to him.

"What are you so afraid of?"

Evan knew this was as effective as talking to himself—if that wasn't what he was doing anyways. But he had no one else to talk to. "What if everything bad that's happened… what if it's all because of me? No, I mean think about, I'm the one thing these incidents have in common."

"Ok, let's calm down and examine these events rationally. Let's start with Sunday night. What happened?" The event repeated in a flash in Evan's mind. _Don't make me say it out loud._ "At least think it." _…Jared kissed me._ "Why might he have done that?"

"Because he hates me. He likes confusing me."

"Or?"

 _…He loves me?_ Evan put his head in his hands. "I don't get it."

"How did it make you feel?"

"Confused."

"Do you like Jared back?"

"No!"

"What if you did? Would you consider dating him?"

"Definitely not."

"Why not? And again, this is a hypothetical where you like each other."

"…we're not good together."

"Why not?" Evan stared at the ground. "Come on, I'm the only one here. Who else are you going to talk to?" _…He deserves better than me._ "Wow. Are you sure that's not the other way around?"

"I don't know!"

"Ok, clearly that's stressing you out, so let's instead focus on why the kiss happened. Did you want it, or in any way suggest it?"

"Of course not."

"What happened before it? Were there any hints that he was going to do that?"

"No. I mean… I was talking about how grateful I was he was my friend. And he called me adorable."

"Did that strike you as odd?"

"…A little. It was a weird descriptor, but I didn't really focus on it."

"Why?"

Evan looked up with dawning understanding. "Because he was drunk."

"Which means?"

"He wouldn't have done that sober. Which means he doesn't hate me." Evan contemplated this for a few seconds before he put his head on his knees. "Or he didn't until today."

"Let's focus back on Sunday night for a second. Was the kiss your fault?" _…No. But how I reacted was, so—_ "You can't be blamed for having a reaction. But let's go to Monday afternoon. Zoe. What happened?"

"She kissed me."

"Why did she do that?"

"I don't know! I have no clue!"

"You seem much angrier at Zoe than at Jared, or at least that anger is coming from a different place. Why?"

"Because I was in love with her for a long time, years maybe. And I'm finally ok with being her friend, and she does this? I mean, I even did my best to set her up with Alana—"

"Could that be part of it? That maybe she hurt Alana?" _Maybe? No, probably._ "So did you imply or say that you wanted her to do that?" _Nope. Definitely not._ "So that's not your fault either. Now onto my parents." _I know that one wasn't my fault, we don't have to relive that one._ "Good. Your mom?" _I don't want to go over that._ "Can you think of anything that was said that stuck out?" _…I'm the worst thing that ever happened to my mom._

"You don't believe that do you? Especially with what she said afterwards?" _But if I wasn't here, she could've had so many opportunities, so many good things…_ "Hold on there just a second…" _And then I snapped at Alana because I couldn't keep a promise that was important to her?_ "That's an oversimplification." _I just… I keep hurting them. I told... I told Jared I wouldn't care if he died. Why did I do that? Because I felt hurt? Like being hurt gives me some excuse to hurt others? I just… they would be better off without me. All of them._ "Are you listening to me Evan?"

Evan got up, grabbed his laptop, opened a new document, and began typing. "What are you doing Evan?" He kept typing, rewriting and trying to explain his thoughts. "Slow down, think this through." But he didn't think. He just kept writing. "For the love of god, Evan, stop!" _You're not really here. Leave me alone._ "Jesus Christ, Evan, don't do this!" Despite the ghost's protests, he kept writing. He rewrote and redrafted and revised late into the night, not even sleeping, until even the memory of Connor was no longer there, and he was truly alone.

It was early. Evan felt a chilled breeze coming through the window. The sun was only just coming up. He printed out what he had written, grabbed it, and quietly left of the house. He had a long day ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the angst express! Yikes, this chapter was bad. And next chapter is gonna be pretty bad too. Just don't expect any happiness for a little while. But I swear it will get happy. Eventually. I guess I don't have much to say about this chapter.
> 
> As always, thanks for kudos and comments, even if I haven't replied I've been reading all of them, and I love everything you guys are saying about the story and the writing, etc. If you want to talk to me about the fic or deh, etc. please message me on tumblr, username is official-didney-worl-elmo, I would love talking about this fic, or deh, or take suggestions for a fic or a drabble. Thank you guys for being so awesome and sticking with me!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan goes missing and Jared, Zoe, and Alana attempt to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: Referenced/discussed/almost-but-not-quite-attempted suicide

Zoe Murphy was frustrated with herself. She had gone and made a mess of everything. She was called in to fix a rough patch between two friends (normally a specialty of hers) and had made it worse. She had kissed one of her closest—no, her _best_ friend. And what for? Because she realized what Jared Kleinman's known for years? Because now that Evan wasn't completely falling for her she missed the attention? _No, seriously though, why the hell did I do that?_ She couldn't think. She could hardly concentrate in class.

 _What really bugs me though is how he treated Jared and Alana. Jared messed up, but he didn't deserve that. And Alana did nothing wrong. Like what the hell Evan? What did they do to deserve that?_ She tried to focus on the information being written on the board, but her mind kept wandering back to Evan. _I didn't see him at lunch today. It's probably been awhile since he's eaten anything. And he looked really tired yesterday. Normally we get Jared to spend the night and you know, problem solved. But I'm not sure that will work this time…ugh, I don't get it. It feels like he's pushing us away._

Something nagged her about that last thought. It sounded familiar. She pulled out her phone. She knew this from somewhere. Had Evan said something before? She scrolled through her texts, looking for some clue. When she found what she was looking for, she gasped. She had to talk with Evan. Right now.

 

> ** Evan Hansen **
> 
> **Today,** 2:37 PM
> 
> Evan? We really need to talk.
> 
> I know you're pissed at me and you have every right to be.
> 
> But we really, really need to talk.
> 
> Just
> 
> Please text me when you get this.

 When the bell rang, Zoe was the first out of her seat and out the door. She couldn't wait for him to respond, she had to take matters into her own hands. She walked straight towards the senior lockers. She waited outside Evan's locker, but he never came. She wasn't too surprised when he never showed, but she became increasingly worried.

"Zoe?" She looked up and saw Jared standing there. A plan began to form in her mind. "I feel like I owe you an apology? I didn't mean to get you mixed in with this mess—"

"It's fine. Come with me."

"What? Why?"

"You're only half of who I need." She led Jared around the corner, confused, and walked straight towards Alana, who just closed her locker.

"Oh, hi Zoe! So I was thinking for this weekend—"

"Believe me when I say there's nothing more I'd rather talk about than that, but we have more pressing issues."

"What does that mean?" Jared turned to Alana. "Is there something wrong with the kickstarter?"

Alana shook her head confused. "Ever since I posted that video last night, more donations have been coming in. We're getting pretty close."

"I'm not talking about the Connor Project. I'm talking about Evan." The other two stayed silent. "Look, I know that he's been a complete ass to all of us lately, but I'm really worried that something's been wrong with him lately. Did either of you see him in class?"

Alana finally sighed and shook her head. "He wasn't in third period."

"Didn't see him in Spanish." Jared conceded.

Zoe nodded, deep in thought. "We need to go to his house. Right now. Jared can you take us there?"

Jared scoffed. "Yeah, he's made it abundantly clear he never wants to see me again and I don't want to see him right now, so, you two have fun—"

"I got the impression from his email that he didn't really want to talk to me right now either." Alana pulled up the email on her phone and showed the other two. Jared rolled his eyes, but Zoe just became more concerned.

"I promise you both that he wants to see me even less than he wants to see the two of you combined. But face it, if we don't make sure he's ok, who will?" The other two looked at the ground. She was right. Heidi was probably at work. If Evan needed help they were the only ones who would notice.

Jared finally pointed behind him. "My car's at the far end of the senior parking lot." The three somberly walked through the hall. Nobody said a word on the drive over.

* * *

Jared was already having a shit week, so he didn’t want to jump at the chance to check on Evan, the asshole who broke his heart. And yet, somehow Zoe had convinced him to drive the two of them and Alana to Evan's house. So here he was, walking up the driveway to Evan's front door to make sure he wasn't dead or something. A small part of him hoped that Evan wasn't doing ok. He hated that small part of him, but he felt like he deserved to be angry after yesterday.

Alana very quickly tapped the doorbell. The three waited outside for a minute, but nobody answered the door. She tried again. Still no response. Zoe pushed her aside and did a longer ring. When that didn't work she knocked on the door a few times.

"Amateurs." Jared sauntered up to the doorbell. He rang it once. Then again. And again. The frequency increased as he got less patient, until he was ringing it constantly.

"What are you doing Jared?" Alana asked.

Jared ignored her. He started pounding on the door. "Evan, let us in, you dick."

"Is that really what we want to start with?"

"I saw what happened between the two of them yesterday, Jared gets a pass."

Jared kept hitting the door until his hands were sore. "Screw this I'm going in through the window." Before either of the girls could protest he walked around the house until he reached Evan's room. He was surprised to find the window open. He crawled in and looked around the room. "Evan?" But the boy was nowhere to be found. He pulled back the bedsheets to reveal they were in fact empty. "Evan where are you?" He called through the house. He poked his head in each room, but he had no luck locating him. He ran to the front door and unlocked it for the two waiting outside. "I can't find him."

"Are you sure he's not in there?" Zoe asked. Jared nodded.

"Zoe, why are you so concerned with finding him? He's probably just… ditching, or something." Alana asked.

Zoe said nothing, but pulled out her phone, scrolling until she found something. She showed the other two a section of a text conversation she had with Evan:

 

> But my point is suicidal people tend to internalize things
> 
> They often don’t talk to people or try to get help
> 
> Bc they don’t want to be a burden
> 
> And whats worse is they push away the people close to them. Family, friends, everything
> 
> And they do everything to alienate their loved ones when all they want is to shout "please help me 

Alana looked up first, a horrified expression on her face. "You don't think—"

"I do."

Jared quickly looked around, panicking. _You better not have…_ "We gotta search the house." The three frantically ran from room to room, splitting up, searching closets and cabinets, but to no avail.

Jared went back into his room, looking around for any hint as to where he may have gone. His eyes settled on the open laptop on the desk. He pressed one of the keys and the screen came on. It was locked, protected by a password, and it was about to die, just 5% left. Jared hooked it up to the nearby charger and sat down at the desk. He knew he wouldn't just magically know the password, real life wasn't like a movie where you just knew someone's password based on a few interests and key guesses. But that didn't stop him from trying.

 

> Password: *********
> 
> **X Password Incorrect**
> 
> Password: ************
> 
> **X Password Incorrect**
> 
> Password: ***************************
> 
> **X Password Incorrect**

 Jared didn't know what he was typing anymore. He just kept typing in passwords that were most definitely not correct. _What the hell are you doing you asshole? Where are you?_

"Jared?" Zoe was peeking her head in the door. Jared took a step back from the laptop and walked to the doorway.

"I thought… I thought I could guess his password." He walked to the front hallway, where Alana was waiting for the two of them. The three of them didn't know what to do. "This is ridiculous, I'm calling his mom." He took out is phone and dialed the number. He put it on speakerphone and held it in the middle of the three of them. They waited with bated breath as the ringing continued, until it was finally cut off, and a familiar voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Heidi, it's Jared. Kleinman."

"Jared?"

"I'm so sorry to bother you at work, but I was wondering if you knew where Evan was, or if he said anything this morning about where he'd be after school? I really need to talk with him about… our Spanish project."

"Evan left before I woke up this morning. I think he just went home."

The three looked at each other nervously. Alana finally broke the silence. "Mrs. Hansen? Hi, Alana Beck, I'm a… a friend of Evan's and co-president of the Connor Project with him."

"Oh. I heard of you."

"I hate to inform you of this, but…Evan wasn't in class today."

There was a pause on the other end. "What?"

"He wasn't in Spanish either."

"And we're waiting by the front door of your house, and Evan hasn't answered the door yet." Zoe chimed in.

"Whose voice was that?"

Zoe slapped her forehead. "Zoe Murphy, Mrs. Hansen. We met the other night?"

"Oh. You're the one who Evan is dating right?"

Zoe's eyes opened wide. "No! No, no, no! We are most certainly not. I mean, he's great, but… but we're just friends. I have a date this weekend, actually—never mind, that's not important. What we're saying is we don't know where Evan is. Do you have any idea where he would've gone?"

"You mean he’s not at your house tonight?” Heidi half-snapped, half yelled in concern. Zoe opened her mouth, unsure of what to say. “Sorry, that was… uncalled for. I am worried about him. But Evan doesn't tell me anything anymore. If he's really gone, you three would probably know more than me."

Jared jumped in. "Ok, we need to go look for Evan. Hopefully he just… I dunno, maybe he's in the park, or something."

"Jared, call me immediately, the second you find him. Call the police if you don't find him before nightfall."

Jared nodded. "We will." He hung up. The three stood there, not looking at each other. Jared started shaking. "This is my fault, this is all my fault, I'm so fucking stupid. I told him he wasn't my friend, and just when I won him over I fucked it all up, why did I…"

Zoe shook her head. "You made a small mistake while you were drunk Jared, I may have actively sabotaged his security and feeling of safety, if anyone's to blame, it's me." The two started talking over each other, arguing over who should take blame.

"Guys!" Jared and Zoe turned to Alana, surprised to hear her yell. "What's going on? What happened?"

Zoe and Jared looked at each other, speechless. Eventually Zoe gestured to him. His was first chronologically. He took a deep breath. "Remember Sunday night? You and Zoe handed out flyers or something for the Connor Project."

"Yeah, Evan left me alone with Zoe and I was petrified."

"It turned out fine in the end, Alana."

"Well, the reason Evan wasn't there is because I practically begged him to come to my place. I had my camp friends over because of some concert or another playing in town? I don't know anymore. But when he arrived I was like, pretty drunk. Ok, I was really, really wasted. And we started talking and laughing, and reminiscing, and he just looked…" his face turned pink. "He looked really adorable. And he started talking about how grateful he was to have us as friends. How grateful he was that I was his friend." Jared looked down, not wanting to say anymore.

Alana was curious though. "What went wrong?"

Jared didn't look up. "I kissed him," he mumbled.

Alana immediately turned sympathetic. "What happened to feeling it out and not rushing things?"

"Wait, you knew Jared liked Evan?" Alana just shrugged in response.

"Alana, I never agreed to that because I knew it would never work, I knew I would… well, I knew I would do something like this. Why do you think I was an ass for so many years? Why do you think I pushed him away?"

A lightbulb went on in Zoe's head. "Is that why you were trying to get me and Evan together?" Jared gave a slight nod.

Alana turned back to Jared. "So how did he react?"

"Not well. He basically repeated 'what the fuck' over and over, ran out of the room, and had a panic attack. Anxiety attack? I don't know the difference. Maureen's friend talked him down and got him home. So yeah it's pretty much all my fault."

"No, it definitely isn't. He said he was doing fine, but he just stopped taking his medication. And I definitely had something to do with it too."

"Wait, what? Does he realize how detrimental that could be to his mental health?" Zoe shook her head at Alana.

"Wait, go back a sec. What do you mean you definitely had something to do with it too?"

Zoe sighed. "Jared asked me to try and explain things, smooth things over I guess? Evan was still freaking out pretty hard Monday morning. So we talked, and I tried to convey what Jared was thinking, why he did what he did, how sorry he was…and then I kinda kissed him."

Jared put his hand on his head. Alana stood there shocked. Zoe didn't meet either of their gazes. "What is wrong with you two?" Alana yelled.

"I don't know!" The two replied at the same time.

Jared turned to Zoe. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know! I can't even blame it on being drunk! I just noticed what Jared said and I don't know I guess I wasn't thinking!"

"So let me guess: Evan had another panic attack?" Alana was becoming annoyed

"No. He just got angry. And then…well, then I made it worse."

Jared raised an eyebrow. "How did you make it worse?"

"Evan mentioned these scholarship essay contests, and said that he didn't have money for college. I briefly mentioned this to my parents, but they fixated on it. They wanted to do something. So I may have mentioned Connor's college fund… and invited Evan's mom over for dinner."

Jared looked up in disbelief. "You didn't."

"It was bad."

Alana looked back and forth between the two. "Does one of you want to explain what happened?"

Jared started. "Heidi does everything she can, but…she can't always be there for Evan. And she's very self-conscious about her parenting skills. So if somebody like Cynthia and Larry came along and were able to do something at the wave of a hand that she couldn't do if she tried with all her might… it might make her a little angry."

Zoe winced. "It didn't help that Evan hasn't exactly been telling his mom that he's been hanging out with me. She didn't even know we knew Evan that well."

Alana processed this. "So…just how bad was it?"

Zoe frowned. "Really, really bad."

"Ok, we gotta find him right away. We should split up, cover more ground." Alana, thinking logically as always. "Can you drop us off at our cars Jared?"

He nodded. "Wait for me in the car. I'll lock the door behind you." Zoe and Alana walked through the door, and he locked it behind them. He went back through Evan's room, and was about to leave through the window, but he couldn't take his eyes off the laptop. Looking around, he shoved the laptop and the charger in his backpack and climbed out the window to meet the others.

* * *

Alana Beck was uncomfortable with silence. Even when silence was the only appropriate response, she hated it. So she was not faring well as Jared drove them back to the senior parking lot. She had a million thoughts on her mind, but there was one thing she kept going back to.

"I know we're really concerned about him and everything, but is it wrong that I'm still really ticked off at Evan?"

Jared didn't even look at her in the backseat. "Absolutely not. He's been a complete dick the past few days."

"I still hate Connor some days." Zoe confessed. "I kind of miss him? But… I mean, he just…. He just was awful to me some days. And I'll never get a chance to be angry at him without feeling guilty."

"And if anybody has a right to be angry at him, it's you Alana. You did nothing to make him angry. He just took out his anger at us on you. And that wasn't cool." _I just can't believe he would say all that to me…_ "I mean, we're going to find him and make sure he's ok and safe, but after we've done that we're each gonna have to talk to him."

Alana sighed. "It's just weird. I feel bad I guess. Maybe? I don't know. It's just… I feel so much worse for him knowing what he's been going through."

Zoe turned back to her. "Those events can only explain his actions. They don't excuse him. You have every right to be angry with him."

"We're here." Jared said unceremoniously. "So what's the plan?"

Alana didn't waste a second. "Zoe, start with your house. He may have gone there. See if your mom has seen him today. Jared, start with your house. If he's not there, check out some of the nearby parks. I'll stop by the coffee shop, the mall, anywhere we might've met to discuss the Connor Project. I'll add Zoe to the group chat so we can stay in touch. Meet back here in an hour. Sound good?" The other two just nodded in response. "Ok, let's go. We don't have a second to waste."

Alana drove by the coffee shop. She recognized one of the baristas from school and asked if they had seen Evan, but she had no luck. She ordered a small iced tea to go, just to be polite, and set about adding Zoe to the group chat.

 

> ** The Connor Project Group Chat **
> 
> _Co-President added Zoe Murphy to the chat._
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> There we go. Now we can keep in contact.
> 
> And if Evan is checking his phone he can see that we're all worried sick and he should just tell us where he is.
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Cool. But why am I just now being added?
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Because you aren't officially a part of the Connor Project.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> because alana didnt want u to know about her huge crush on u
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Jared!
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> and her 48 step plan
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> It's only 17 steps and you know it.
> 
> Stop inflating the numbers.
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> That's actually really adorable and gay.
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Let's focus on the task at hand.
> 
> Evan hasn't been to the coffee shop all day.
> 
> Any progress on your ends?
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> No luck. Mom hasn't seen him all day ó_ò
> 
> Now she's asking about all of this. Great. Here comes a million questions.
> 
> Btw my mom wanted to send you something Alana?
> 
> She was asking if that last digit of your email was a 1 or a 7
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> It's a 7
> 
> Jared?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> it feels odd
> 
> like hes been here
> 
> but i think im just a little bit paranoid
> 
> in any case hes not here now
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Keep searching. I'll update you on if I can find anything out in a few. 

Alana walked out of the store, unsure of what to do. She really doubted that Evan would be any of those places. As she mindlessly clicked through the apps on her phone, opening the email app, she had no way of knowing how important the email she was about to receive was.

* * *

Before Alana received any sort of important email, Jared received an important text. He had just gotten out of his car and was walking into a nearby park (one with lots of plants that Evan would probably know all the names of) when his phone buzzed.

> _Messages                                                                                                                                                now_
> 
> **Supergay Memelord Ezra**
> 
> Hey so this is kind of random but I just got a text from Evan. Evan Hansen. He was like apologizing because I kinda texted him the other day (sorry not sorry) trying to like make sure that he was ok because you were really freaked out. Anyway, he wa…

Jared struggled to put his password in, his fingers were moving so fast. _What the hell Evan?_

 

> ** Supergay Memelord Ezra **
> 
> **Today,** 3:29 PM
> 
> Hey so this is kind of random but I just got a text from Evan. Evan Hansen. He was like apologizing because I kinda texted him the other day (sorry not sorry) trying to like make sure that he was ok because you were really freaked out. Anyway he was just like 'sorry I was like that, just been really stressed, you seem like a cool guy.' Idk if you knew that but I figured Id tell you.
> 
> did he tell u where he was????
> 
> Um. No? Why would he do that?
> 
> evan didnt show up to school today
> 
> and he wasnt at home
> 
> zoes worried bc he said something really concerning abt pushing ppl away and
> 
> and now we cant find him and i i dont know
> 
> Shit. He never responded to my last text. Ill try texting him again. Check with the others. He may be texting them too. Try Maureen and Colton.
> 
> thank u for telling me ezra
> 
> Hell be ok Jared. Hes got you.
> 
> im so fucking scared

_He was talking to Maureen and Colton. Did he talk to anyone else? Did Ellie drive him home? Agh, what the hell happened that night?_

 

> ** Dancing Queen, Young & Sweet, Bi Maureen **
> 
> **Today,** 3:32 PM
> 
> maureen
> 
> has evan texted u recently?
> 
> evan Hansen
> 
> The cutie who showed up to your party
> 
> Yeah he just texted a few minutes ago
> 
> Like thanking me for being nice to him at the party?
> 
> What have you been telling your friends about me Jared? Lol
> 
> did he say anything else
> 
> mention where he was
> 
> I tried calling him, but he said he couldn’t speak
> 
> Told him about this awesome concert next month Ellie and I are planning on going to
> 
> Said he should come with you
> 
> You two would make a cute couple lol
> 
> not the time maureen
> 
> He said he was probably going to be "busy"
> 
> But I told him to think about it
> 
> You really oughta convince him ;)
> 
> ok
> 
> let me know if he texts u again
> 
> You know I will baby :*

_Shit, shit, shit! That just leaves Colton._

 

> ** Pan-da Bear Dude **
> 
> **Today,** 3:35 PM
> 
> this is colton right?
> 
> You never changed my contact name, did you jared?
> 
> I don't even like pandas
> 
> look has evan hansen texted u
> 
> u know cute kid from the party
> 
> works on the connor project with me
> 
> I remember him Jared
> 
> Um, no. Why?
> 
> i think hes going to soon
> 
> when he does i need u to get him on the phone
> 
> or get him to tell u where he is
> 
> What happened?
> 
> well right now it looks like hes run away
> 
> That kinda is my specialty
> 
> im terrified hes about to do something really really bad
> 
> Shit. He can't have gone far right? He doesn't drive?
> 
> no
> 
> but he disappeared early this morning
> 
> never came to school
> 
> Just got a message from him.
> 
> I'll try to text you soon.

Jared waited for what felt like a thousand years. He paced around the park until he couldn't take it anymore. _I can't take it I can't take it I can't take it. Um, I can… I can change Colton's contact name. He likes musicals and shit right? Um… Yeah, that'll do for now._ He looked around for any sign of the boy, any hushed whisper that might be coming from him, but he heard nothing. He began walking back to his car when he got the message.

 

> ** Alexander Pan-Colton **
> 
> I only had him on the phone for like a minute
> 
> I'm sorry I couldn't keep him for longer
> 
> what did he say?
> 
> where is he?
> 
> He said he was sorry I had to deal with his anxiety attack
> 
> Thanked me for being nice at the party, for being concerned
> 
> He sounded bad Jared. It sounded like he had been crying
> 
> I can see why you're worried
> 
> shit shit SHIT
> 
> please tell me u know where he is
> 
> He said he had just left some park?
> 
> I'm sorry, I couldn't make it out and he wouldn't repeat it
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> its not ur fault
> 
> just try and get in touch with him again
> 
> let me know if u here anything
> 
> Would you mind if I told the others?
> 
> yes
> 
> pls
> 
> i dont have it in me to repeat it
> 
> Ok
> 
> I know it might be hard to believe
> 
> (And I know this because I struggle to tell myself this every day)
> 
> It's not your fault either
> 
> wanna bet 

* * *

 Zoe had just finished explaining the whole situation with Evan to her parents (minus a few key details in the 'why' section of questions). "Now can I please go? This is a time sensitive issue!"

Larry shook his head. "Absolutely not."

Cynthia turned to her husband shocked. "Larry, Evan could be in danger!"

"You need to file a report and let the police handle it."

"But by the time the police find him it may be too late. Dad, come on."

"I'm telling you, this will all blow over in a few days, and Evan will be fine."

"So then what's the harm in letting Zoe look?"

"That's not how anxiety works, Dad!"

"I understand you're worried about his behavior, but young boys act strangely all the time. He'll be fine if you just—"

"He wasn't doing it for attention!" she screamed. Realizing what she had done, she clamped her hand over her mouth and fell back into the chair.

The three sat uncomfortably in the silence. Larry finally looked up and said, "I'm guessing you're not talking about Evan."

Zoe didn't know why she was on the verge of tears. Not half an hour ago she was talking about how she still hated Connor sometimes. And now she was… defending him? "He tried to kill himself before. And you said he was doing it for attention." _Hating him can't prevent me from missing him. It can't make me glad he's dead._ "You treated him like a criminal." Larry didn't say anything. Zoe turned to Cynthia. "And you weren't any better. You let him do whatever he wanted."

Larry sat up. "Now hold on, Zoe. Connor's situation was a lot more…complicated than that."

"He needed help, Dad. Mom had to force you to let him go through with it and you still resisted. Mom just made empty promises and threats, no wonder he didn't take her seriously. And I called him a monster and said I wished he was dead. None of us were there for him." She stood up. "I'm not letting Evan go through that too."

Larry stood up, a stoic expression on his face. "Zoe, just… got to your room and cool off."

Her jaw dropped. "You're punishing me now? Because I want to help Evan? No, I'm going to—"

"Zoe, just…" he took a deep breath. "I'm not punishing you. You're not in trouble. Just please go up to your room and take a second to think things over." Zoe looked over to her mother, who could only shake her head and sigh. Zoe rolled her eyes and stomped up to her room, making sure her father heard the door slam.

 _Screw this. I'm going to look for him._ She packed her backpack with a flashlight, a few walkie-talkies, anything she could think to need for a search. She was about to climb out the window when she heard a knock on her door.

"Zoe? Can I come in?" She quietly set down her backpack and sat down on the bed. Her mother opened the door a crack. Zoe didn't react. She opened the door and walked in. "I think you made your father pretty upset with what you said down there."

Zoe shook her head. "I just want to help Evan. Why won't he let me do that."

Cynthia bit her lip. "Your father's always had trouble understanding these kinds of things. But he's not going to keep you trapped here all night." Cynthia sat down next to Zoe. "Do you miss your brother Zoe?"

Zoe looked up, surprised at such a direct question. "I miss the brother who was always reading, who took my birthday gift and read it in a day, making it his new favorite. I miss the brother who bought indigo hair dye for my birthday because he remembered some passing comment about how cool it would be to dye it. But I don't miss the constant source of terror in my life. The guy who screamed at me through the wall every month about some new awful thing. The brother who never acknowledged me unless it was with disdain."

Cynthia frowned. "But that’s the same person Zoe." She sighed. "Connor was far from perfect… but so are we. I guess you're right that he couldn't talk to any of us." The two sat there for a while in silence. Out of nowhere Cynthia gave a small chuckle.

Zoe looked up. "What?"

"I'm just remembering something Evan told me once. How recently when he has a big decision, or when he's in some kind of trouble he says that he can see Connor, and talk to him." Zoe raised an eyebrow. "I like to think that Evan's seeing Connor's spirit, that Connor is watching out for him. He said that Connor really helps him through everything. I was just laughing because… well, maybe Connor finally has someone to talk to."

Zoe nodded, the gears in her head turning. Suddenly everything stopped, and something clicked. "Hey mom, did Evan come to the funeral?"

Cynthia looked up, remembering. "No, I didn't see him there. Why do you ask?"

Zoe looked down, hand on her chin. "Then that means…" she mumbled. She looked up. "I know where he is."

Cynthia was taken aback. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Cynthia looked out into the hall, almost nervous. She turned back to Zoe, leaned in close, and said "take my car."

* * *

By the time Alana finished the sudden email from Cynthia, she spit out her iced tea. She had an idea. She just had to tell the others.

 

> ** The Connor Project Group Chat **
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Status updates?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> no luck
> 
> we should head back to the senior parking lot
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> I'm already on my way. You guys need to head back too.
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Do you think Evan's been seeing these messages and texts?
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Maybe? Not sure.
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> he has
> 
> trust me
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Evan, we know you're reading these.
> 
> You need to tell us where you are right now.
> 
> If you don't, I'm posting this to the Connor Project.
> 
> _ [DearEvanHansen1.pdf] _
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Alana how the hell do you have that?
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> Your mom emailed it to me
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> what is it
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> The letter Connor took from Evan the first day of school.
> 
> The one that was mistaken for his suicide note?
> 
> **Treasurer**
> 
> jfc alana
> 
> have u lost ur fuckin mind?!
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> I don't want to post this, I really don't.
> 
> But drastic times call for drastic measures.
> 
> I'm giving Evan until I reach the senior parking lot to tell us where he is, or I'm posting this.
> 
> About 15 minutes, Evan.
> 
> You have 15 minutes to tell us where you are.

 Alana sprinted to her car and drove as fast as she could to the senior parking lot. Jared and Zoe were already there waiting for her when she skidded to a halt by the curb. She jumped out of the car to meet the other two on the sidewalk.

"What the hell are you thinking, Beck?" Jared shouted.

"I'm thinking that my closest friend is in danger and if I have to threaten him to get him help, so fucking be it!" She yelled back.

"Alana, think about what you're doing…" Zoe tried to calm her down, but Alana wouldn't hear it.

"No, I gave him his time. I'm not losing him, Zoe."

Zoe tried to say something, but Alana was already on her phone again.

 

> ** The Connor Project Group Chat **
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> 15 minutes have passed, Evan.
> 
> I'm giving you one last chance.
> 
> Tell us where you are.
> 
> Or I'm posting this.
> 
> I'll do it Evan.
> 
> By not telling us your location this second, you consent to having this letter published.
> 
> Do you understand that Evan?
> 
> Ok?
> 
> **Founder**
> 
> Ok

Alana looked up. Two grave expressions met her. All three had received it. What more could she do? She opened the website on her phone, made a new blog post, and attached the pdf. She looked up at the other two and gulped. She pressed send.

 

> ** The Connor Project Group Chat **
> 
> **Co-President**
> 
> It's done.
> 
> I'll still remove it if you tell us where you are.
> 
> Please.
> 
> Please just tell us where you are Evan.
> 
> Let us help you.
> 
> Don't just ignore us.
> 
> Please.

 

"Alana." Jared gently put his hand on her shoulder. "There's nothing more you can do now. Zoe's got a plan."

She looked up at Zoe expectantly. "I think I know where Evan might be."

"Really?"

Jared ran across the parking lot and made a motion to follow him. "My car's the fastest. Zoe plug in the directions. Alana let us know if he messages you or anything. Let's go, we don't have any time to waste!"

* * *

The three walked through the grass, not saying a word. Something about a graveyard killed any conversational mood. They walked among the rows of headstones, rushed but not running. Zoe stopped suddenly.

Alana turned around. "What's wrong?"

"It's there." She pointed to a grave the next row over. "He's not here." She frowned. "I thought he would be here…"

Jared turned to face the two of them, taking a few steps backwards in the direction Zoe pointed. "Maybe he's still nearby." He turned back around and kept walking towards where Zoe had pointed.

Alana put her hand on Zoe's shoulder. "We're going to find him, ok?"

"This doesn't make sense…"

"Um, guys? There's something here." Jared reached down and grabbed something, quickly running back to the other two. He held out an envelope that just said "Connor" in rushed, scribble handwriting. "It's Evan's writing." The three stood there for a while, looking at each other, unsure what to do. Jared looked to Zoe, who eventually gave a somber nod. He opened the envelope, pulled out the letter, and started reading. 

 

> Dear Connor Murphy,
> 
>  
> 
> I can't believe it's taken me this long to write. I can't believe it's taken me this long to visit. I can't believe a lot of things that have happened recently.
> 
> First of all, I want to say sorry. People tell me I'm not to blame, there was nothing I could've done. But you never really know. Maybe you were too far gone, but maybe seeing the wrong letter on the wrong day was a tipping point and… I don't know, maybe I'm the reason for all of this. What if we just pretended to be friends? What if we could've become friends? What if I'd stood up to Jared that day? I don't know.
> 
> There's an unfortunate question without an answer that I shouldn't ask but I must. Were people right about you? I know it's a lot more complicated than that; you were depressed, you needed help you weren't getting. But I mean, I knew the stories. I lived some of them. And from what I heard from Zoe, you could be a good brother, but usually when you weren't a good brother? I mean…fuck, you were awful. Borderline if not actually abusive. I mean, you hurt this girl I loved for years, my best friend (well, former best friend at this point). But is that the full story or am I following a slightly unreliable narrative, harmed by my single source of information?
> 
> My mind loves playing tricks on me. It tells me that Zoe is my best friend, not Jared. It tells me that telling the truth to your parents was better than lying. It tells me that I didn't laugh at you on the first day of school. It tells me I fell from a tree this summer and broke my arm, because it simply can't reconcile the truth. It tells me I'm the hero, the protagonist, when I've caused nothing but harm to everyone around me. I'm the villain in my own story, and if you need any proof look at everything I've done, starting with Sunday night.
> 
> Jared was right there. And I ran away, demonized him and pushed him away. I got angry at Ezra simply for defending him. I got angry at Zoe for trying to do something nice for me. I got angry at my mom for trying to provide for me, and for worrying about me. And I got angry with Alana because _I_ failed to keep a promise that I should've kept.
> 
> I pushed away anyone I could talk to. And I started seeing you. Your ghost, or a troubled conscience, perhaps. I don't know. But here I am, a boy who's not here talking to another boy who isn't here. Because I can't talk to anyone who is here. Because I only cause pain and worry in the lives of the people closest to me. I'm glad their last perception of me will be what I really am: broken. A mess. An asshole. Someone to be avoided. Someone who deserves to disappear. They're not going to idolize me, or see the past through rose colored lenses.
> 
> And believe me, the irony that this only began because of a letter that you didn't write to me. Is it fitting that its led me to the orchard after all this time? Maybe not. I mean, I never actually knew you, did I?
> 
>  
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me

Jared shed a few tears as he reached the end. He handed it to the others, and they saw the elegant, deliberate signature at the bottom: "Evan Hansen." Alana shook her head. Jared kept repeating one word over and over: "fuck." It was finally Zoe who broke the trance.

"We have to get to the orchard right the fuck now. I have flashlights if it gets dark. I brought walkie-talkies so we can get each other if we find him. But we need to leave now." The three looked at each other, then sprinted back to Jared's car.

* * *

Climbing the tree the second time was harder, Evan decided. Maybe it was that this time he couldn't lie to himself about what he was doing. The walk to the cemetery and the orchard had taken nearly all day. He had woken up twice when he hadn't remembered falling asleep. He kept a slow, almost sluggish pace. He dreaded what he was doing. He was tired. He was hungry. He was scared. But he was too numb to care anymore. He kept walking through the day, and had eventually ended up here. The tree was not the same as the tree that he had fallen from the previous summer, but he noted it was remarkably similar. More importantly, it was just as tall.

His breath was shaky, and he clung to the strongest branch he could for dear life. Not that that would matter soon anyway. He willed himself to open his eyes and look out over the orchard. It was breathtaking. He could see the sky go on forever. The open field, perfectly framed by the trees. He imagined Zoe and Connor running through the trees, telling inside jokes. He wasn't sure if it was the sleep deprivation, his overactive imagination, or something else entirely, but he could feel Connor, sitting on a branch above him in the same tree.

"I can see why you liked this place." He closed his eyes. He could do this. All he had to do was let go…

"Evan!" Evan fumbled and gripped the branch above him tighter. "Evan I see you up there!" He took a quick peek before opening his eyes.

"Jared? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same fucking thing!" He pulled something from his pocket and spoke into it. "I found him! He's in a fucking tree about 300 yards from the edge of the field, get over here now!" He put the device away and called back up. "What the hell are you doing you asshole?"

Evan didn't realize he had started crying but could feel the hot tears stream down his face. "I ruined everything."

"And you thought this was the solution?" He saw Alana and Zoe join Jared down below.

"I hurt you. I hurt all of you."

"Usually an apology will fix that."

"Evan, please just come down here and talk with us," Alana shouted up.

Zoe took a step forward. "We each have a lot to say to you. Apologies, confrontations, discussions… We can't do that if you do what you're about to do. So please." Evan couldn't tell, be he thought she was crying. He thought he could see each of them crying. "Just come down here, and let's talk."

Evan hesitated. He had so much going through his mind and he couldn't process. But suddenly he wasn't numb.

Jared walked towards the tree. "Screw this, I'm coming up there and I'm going to drag you down if I have to!"

"No, no, I'm… I'm coming down Jared." He slowly worked his way around the tree, trying to find the safest branch. The three below him calmly talked to him as he slowly climbed down. In that moment, he realized that even the second time, the hardship of climbing up could not compare to that of climbing down. This would prove especially true as he tried to move to a branch and lost his foothold.

Time slowed as his foot slipped under him. He desperately grasped for something, but there was nothing to balance him. He thought he could hear screams from down below. He could only see the sky, still big and beautiful. The world faded away below him, and he was weightless, just staring at the sky for a few brief moments. Then the world returned.

He let out a cry of pain. _Head. Leg. Ow._ He heard the three run over towards him. He heard Alana say something and point to his leg, but he couldn't make out what she was saying. Jared slid down beside his head.

"Hey, hey, hey, Evan. Look at me, look at me. You're ok. You're going to be ok." Jared was smiling, trying to reassure him, but the tears from earlier mixed with the tears from now made Evan feel like he'd been punched in the gut. It was all too much. His eyes fluttered open and closed, and the world around him became blurry. Jared turned around. "Alana, call an ambulance! Zoe, call Heidi!" He turned back to Evan. "You're fine Evan. You're going to be fine. We're here. I'm here. We care about you, and you're going to be ok. We're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."

Evan made out one last thing before the darkness set in. "You're not alone."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took so long, I had the worst time trying to make sure that each of the POV shifts would work while being in character. Also making sure Heidi's phone call was in character. Also this chapter is like super long (sorry!) so that's part of the reason it took so long to write.
> 
> Next few chapters are going to be slightly lighter in tone, essentially we're past the worst of it. Be prepared for combination fluff/angst in future chapters, with a fluffy emphasis. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos and everything, I promise I've been reading them all I've just been so busy that I haven't had a chance to respond! If you want to talk to me about deh or anything, or had something you wanted to say/share about this fic please please please message me on tumblr, http://official-didney-worl-elmo.tumblr.com/ I crave attention and I'm literally the least intimidating person every im just like a musical potato and I will love you forever if you message me first.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan wakes up in a hospital and must make several apologies.

Evan wasn't dreaming. Not exactly. A dream implied some continuity, some story line, even if it lacked coherency. What he was experiencing was vague, disconnected ideas, flashing images he could identify but not string together. _Connor. Tree. Jared. Phone. Cast. Letter. Mom. Party. Slip. Video. Zoe. Speech. Pamphlet. Confusion. Alone. Alana. Essay. Kiss. Let go._

His eyes opened, and he found himself in a mostly white room. His leg was elevated, and it hurt. A lot.  His eyes flickered around the room, and he saw his mother, eyes closed in a chair in a corner. Jared was sitting in a chair next to a window, just staring out it. Alana and Zoe sat leaning each other, holding hands and looking down at the floor. _They're gonna be really good together._

As he looked at them, Alana lifted her head and her eyes met Evan's. He stayed staring at them, no change in expression in any of them. Alana lightly elbowed Zoe and directed her attention to Evan. She stared at him, as if she wasn't entirely convinced he was there, before softly calling over to Jared. Evan's eyes flicked over to Jared on the other side of the room. He turned his head around to look at Zoe, before quickly looking at Evan.  Without a word, Jared walked over to Heidi and gently shook her awake. Her head darted around the room until she finally landed on Evan. Almost in sync the four stood up and walked to surround Evan. His eyes rapidly switched from person to person, until all four were at the edge of his bed.

"Sweetie," his mom spoke gently, "do you know what's going on?"

He looked around at the four expectant expressions. He pieced together what he remembered before he woke. "I-I'm in the hospital, right? I broke my leg."

Heidi nodded grimly. Alana looked towards the door. "He still looks tired, we should just leave and let him rest. He probably won't remember waking this time either."

Evan readjusted his sitting position. "No, I'm fine. I'm awake. Just…trying to figure it all out."

Jared turned nervously to Heidi, then back to Evan. "Do you remember what happened? How you broke your leg?"

 _Tree. Slip. Fall._ "Unfortunately." He stayed silent for a few seconds, processing everything. "Did I wake up before?"

Zoe nodded. "A few times. You never remembered. You were too tired."

"You're right. I don't remember." He looked at the gentle light creeping in through the window. "What time is it? How long have I been out?"

Alana pulled out her phone. "Like… 7:42. AM."

Heidi put her hand on Evan's arm. "You've been out since you fell. Yesterday afternoon."

Evan was surprised at how well his brain was handling everything He felt like he should be freaking out. "Am I being sedated? Or like… put on other medicine?"

Heidi nodded. "You also suffered a minor concussion. They said you needed lots of rest."

Evan's mind was jumping from one piece of information to the other. "So you guys waited for me to… wait, it's past 7:30? But that means your first shift has started, Mom. And you guys need to be in classes—"

"I got Erica to cover for me. She owes me a _lot_ of favors." She smiled as she said this, like it was a joke.

Jared gestured vaguely with his hand. "And honestly, fuck classes."

Evan's eyes opened wide. _My mom is literally right here._ "Jared!"

Zoe casually raised a hand. "I'm inclined to agree with him."

Alana rolled her eyes. "I think what they're trying to say is that school isn't nearly as important as making sure our friend is ok."

Evan looked down, unable to meet their eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's really fine," Zoe said, "we're covering photosynthesis in biology today and I'm really glad I'm missing that."

"No, I mean… sorry for…" _All of this. Everything. Being such a mess._  "…You deserve better than me. All of you."

The four looked around, concerned and confused. Jared broke the silence. "Well, regardless of whether or not that's true, you're who we have. And I think you're pretty great." He smiled, seemingly relieved.

"Wouldn't trade you for the world." Heidi said, tears in her eyes.

"Yeah, you're pretty alright, Hansen." Zoe smirked.

"I'm still angry at you, but… well, you've been a good friend. And I'm glad for that." Alana admitted.

Evan nodded. "You have every right to be angry with me. All of you. I… I ruined everything. I have a-a lifetime of apologies and I can't… I don't know where to start."

Alana chuckled a little bit. "I think you start one at a time." Alana turned to Zoe, and the two of them gave a look to Evan before leaving the room together. Jared looked at Heidi, gave a quick nod, and then gave a small wave to Evan before following Alana and Zoe, leaving Heidi and Evan alone.

An awkward silence hung in the air. Evan couldn't bear to look at his mom. He didn't know what he would say. She looked around the room for a bit before pulling up her phone. "Have you seen this? A note from the Connor project." _Alana._ "They're guessing Connor wrote it before… It's all over everyone's Facebook. 'Dear Evan Hansen.' Did you…" She looked away, putting the phone back in her pocket. "You wrote this? This note?" Evan nodded. "I didn't know."

Evan shrugged. "No one knew."

"I didn't know that you, that you were… hurting like that, that you felt so…I didn't know. How did I not know?"

"Because I never told you."

"You shouldn't have had to."

Evan finally looked up. It was hard to see his mother this way, so full of hurt and regret. "I lied to you. About so many things." Heidi nodded slightly. "Not just about the Connor Project." _I have to tell her. I can't keep hurting her when everything she does she does for me._ "Um… Last summer? I just felt so alone…" _But what if this hurts her more?_ He looked down and shook his head.

"You can tell me."

"You'll hate me."

"No, Evan…"

"You should!" _I can't trick her into thinking I'm ok again. I can't let her feel like she missed the signs._ "If you knew what I tried to do. And again. If you knew who I am how… just broken I am. How much of a mess I am…"

Heidi regarded him warmly. "I already know you. And I love you."

"I'm so sorry…" he was on the verge of tears. _Do I have to say it out loud? Can this just be unsaid?_

"I can promise you someday, all of this, it will all feel like a very long time ago."

He looked up at her and shook his head. "I dunno…" He turned away, a few tears running down his cheeks. It was only recently his arm cast was taken off. And now his leg hurt. It was all very real, and painful, and… _now_.

"Your dad. Do you remember the day he drove over to get his things? It was uh, it was a few weeks after he moved out. Temporarily, we said." Evan thought back. He had flashes, images of what had happened that day. But he couldn't remember anything specific. His dad hugged him, said they see each other soon, and it was a long time before he saw his dad again. But Evan could tell she remembered every last detail. "It was a February day when your dad came by… before going away. A U-Haul truck in the driveway, the day it was suddenly real." She gently grabbed Evan's arm.

"I told you not to come outside, but you saw that truck and you smiled so wide." She chuckled, and continued, "a real live truck in your driveway! We let you sit behind the wheel." Evan smiled a little bit. He vaguely remembered that. He had always liked trucks as a kid. Cars, too. Trains to a certain extent, but there was something so big and so persistent about trucks. The dramatic irony is that most days he was too nervous to even sit behind the wheel in a car. He had never gotten his full license. That was inconvenient, and embarrassing, and now. But trucks were strong, and untouchable, and then. And then was so long ago when thinking about now.

"Goodbye, goodbye… now it's just me and my little guy. And the house felt so big, and I felt so small. The house felt so big and I felt so small."

Evan tried to think back to that day, but it was too distant of a memory. It still hurt. But most of the pain hadn't come from the memory, it had come from the result of it. Not seeing his father for a long time. That had hurt more than the actual departure. That was what he remembered of it. But his mother remembered more. "That night I tucked you into bed. I will never forget how you sat up and said, 'is there another truck coming to our driveway? A truck that will take mommy away?' And the house felt so big, and I felt so small." Evan looked down. He hadn't remembered this part. He might've been young, but he couldn't imagine what his mom thought when he asked that.

"The house felt so big, and I—" She began pacing around the room, just trying to sort her thoughts. "And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss. And I knew there would be space I couldn't fill." Evan felt tears openly flowing from his eyes, and when his mom turned around he could clearly see she was crying too. "And I knew I'd come up short a billion different ways—And I did!" She almost laughed at this, but it quickly became a sad kind of laughter. "And I do. And I will…" _She's just trying to do what's right for me. And I just ruin it. If anyone comes up short it's me…_

She walked back to Evan and held his hand. "But like that February day, I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say there's not another truck in the driveway. Your mom isn't going anywhere, your mom is staying right here. Your mom isn't going anywhere, your mom is staying right here." He reached over and hugged her as tightly as he could, given his limited mobility. "No matter what, I'll be here when it all feels so big, 'til it all feels so small. When it all feels so big, 'til it all feels so small… 'til it all feels so small." He looked up at her. "You'll see. I promise."

He buried his face in his shoulder at this and began sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I-I-I wish I could take it all back."

"I know, sweetie. I know. But I promise that this will feel like a bad memory sooner than you think."

"I'm sorry… I can't… I don't know how to make it up to you…"

She pulled away. "You can start by taking care of yourself. Making sure you sleep, and eat, and take medicine. And then you can talk to your friends." She smiled. "I knew something changed you were happy for a while there. And now I know it's because of them outside. Don't let go of the people who bring you joy."

Evan shook his head. "I've… I've burned a lot of bridges…"

"They waited with me all night, Evan. They searched for you even when others told them to stop. They care about you, and they love you. Never underestimate the value of that."

Evan looked down. "Could you… could you tell them to wait a bit? Before—Before coming in? I just… I need to…" He pointed to his flushed face and damp eyes.

She nodded. She reached into her purse and grabbed Evan's phone out of it. "You can use this to check yourself. But be careful, it's been ringing a lot." She walked out of the room, leaving Evan alone. She was right, a lot of people had messaged him. And looking briefly at the messages, he realized he needed to message a few of them back.

> ** Group Chat **
> 
> _Evan Hansen added 3 new people_
> 
> _Evan Hansen set new nicknames_
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> So um
> 
> I really need to apologize to you three
> 
> Bc I did a really fucked up thing
> 
> **Ezra**
> 
> I'm glad to hear from you Evan. Jared was worried sick when you disappeared yesterday. From what he told me you're in the hospital now? I hope you get better soon.
> 
> **Colton**
> 
> EVAN!
> 
> Thank fuck you're ok.
> 
> Wait
> 
> Why are you in the hospital?
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> Broken leg and concussion
> 
> I'm fine really
> 
> **Maureen**
> 
> Did you seriously just set the nicknames to just our first names?
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> Sorry!
> 
> It was an accident!
> 
> I'm really not good with group chats (._. )
> 
> **Ezra**
> 
> It's fine. Just let it go, Maureen. What did you want to tell us?
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> I was in a really dark place yesterday
> 
> And I needed to talk to someone
> 
> But without really talking to anyone?
> 
> So I messaged you guys
> 
> And that was fucked up and I'm so sorry
> 
> I just
> 
> I didn't want to disappear entirely
> 
> **Colton**
> 
> Evan, literally message me any time for any reason
> 
> Especially if you feel like you did yesterday
> 
> **Ezra**
> 
> My regret Is just that I didn't realize that's what it was sooner. I'm really sorry you felt that way, and I'm really sorry you felt you couldn't talk to anybody, but we're here for you if you need. Also, Colton: does this mean I can send you memes at random?
> 
> **Colton**
> 
> Abso fucking lutely
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> I really just shouldn't have put you in that position
> 
> It was a complete dick move
> 
> Not to be that guy but
> 
> Can you ever forgive me?
> 
> **Maureen**
> 
> I don’t know
> 
> That was pretty messed up, Evan.
> 
> But if you really wanted to make it up to me you could come to that concert next month :p
> 
> Ellie's coming too. And you can bring Jared!
> 
> Like a double date ;)
> 
> **Colton**
> 
> Wait
> 
> Evan and Jared are dating?
> 
> **Ezra**
> 
> Most definitely not.
> 
> **Colton**
> 
> Oh. Well do you like him?
> 
> Like what's your sexuality?
> 
> **Evan**
> 
> Um
> 
> Do you mind if
> 
> Like
> 
> Can we just
> 
> Not?

At the sound of the door opening, Evan looked up. Zoe was cautiously entering. "Hey, Evan..." He quickly rubbed his eyes, still wet from the scene a few minutes ago. "Can I come in or do you—"

"No, no, it's—" he sniffled. "You can come in. Just Jared's friends. Perfect timing really, they were just asking, well, something I'd rather not answer." Zoe carefully closed the door behind her. "So, um… why were you sent in first?"

Zoe shrugged. "Figured it would be easiest. We have a lot to talk about." She smirked. "And I drew the short straw."

Evan chuckled.  "You dreading this as much as I am?"

"More so." She coughed. The two waited in the awkward silence as long as they could bear. "You ready?"

Evan sighed. "As I'll ever be." He took a deep breath. "I'm really sorry. About everything. Like, like how I reacted to the… college fund thing? You were just trying to help, and-and you didn't know."

"But I didn't even check to see how you'd feel about it. I sprung it on you, completely by surprise. I didn't stop to think whether you would think it was a good idea."

"No it was a good idea, it's just… my mom, and I didn't tell you I was lying to her, and it-it, I just made it a mess."

"Pretty sure I'm the one who made it a mess in your bedroom. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking?" She burst into laughter at this, causing Evan to laugh. "Like, who the fuck does that?"

"Yeah… yeah…" The room became uncomfortable as the laughter faded to silence again. "Zoe, why, um… why _did_ you kiss me?"

She ran her hand through her hair. "Honestly, I don't know. I've just been replaying that moment over and over again, and I have no idea what I was thinking." He looked at her, still confused and slightly worried. She sighed. "I think I needed someone there for me with Connor gone… I think I tried to force you to fill that space and I think in that moment I decided I needed more than a friend."

Evan paused. "A horrible decision, really."

"Yeah, trying to fill the space your dead brother left with a romantic partner? Not so smart."

"No I meant trying to fill it with me." Zoe looked confused. Evan sighed. "I mean, have you met me? I'm the worst person to ask to fill someone else's shoes. And honestly I doubt I'm that easy to date." He chuckled. "Honestly, you dodged a bullet."

Zoe's expression became soft and sympathetic. "Look, don't sell yourself short. Nobody is good at dating, nobody is 'easy' to date. It's just about being together, for as long as you can. I mean, us together? I could see that lasting a while. And I think you're going to make someone real happy someday."

Evan gave a grim smile. "Given how my two previous romantic encounters went, I highly doubt it." He sighed. "I'm sorry I got so tangled up in your life. I-I-I should've just avoided you. Just said that Connor didn't write the letter and-and been done with it."

"Don't say that." He slightly scoffed and looked away. "Evan, out of all the shit that's happened, the one good thing is that you've been there, and you've been my friend. I really need a friend like you in my life, and you couldn't have come at a better time. That's why I was so scared when you disappeared. It felt like… it felt like it did before…"

Evan tried to wrap his brain around what she was saying. "So… we're still friends?"

She laughed. "If you'll let me be one."

Evan looked away. "I'm sorry I… I'm sorry… I didn't think about how you would feel, I-I only cared that I stopped ruining everyone's life and… I didn't consider why it might be… painfully familiar when I…"

Zoe took a deep breath. "The most important thing is you're ok. That you start taking cared of yourself. That you call someone if you ever feel this hopeless again. That you don't go missing if I'm worried for you. Ok?"

Evan could tell it took a lot of energy for her to keep her composure as she said this. He slowly nodded. It seemed that was where they should end things, but there was something else he needed to ask. "Are you and Alana still…? This weekend is that…?" He shook his head. "I shouldn't be asking."

"We haven't really had time to talk about it. So much has changed from Sunday evening."

Evan nodded. "…Well, I'm rooting for you two."

She smiled at him. "Thanks." She gave him a light hug. "You gonna take care of yourself from now on?"

He smiled. "Gonna try. Might need a friend to keep me on track."

"Well, I'm there. I want to do everything I can to help you." She smiled. "Don't be a stranger."

He shook his head, bemused. "What a weird phrase to pick up from Alana."

The door opened at that moment. "Evan? Zoe?"

"Speak of the devil!" Zoe joked.

"It seems like you guys are wrapping up, and I really need to talk to Evan. Also I heard my name."

Evan and Zoe laughed at this. It was something that, well, Alana would do. "Good luck with her, Evan." Evan nodded as Zoe left the room and closed the door. Alana walked with purpose over to Evan's side. He knew this confrontation wouldn't be easy.

"So, I… I guess I should start by, um, by saying sorry for the stupid things I said the other day. I was, um, I was hurt from the previous few days and I, um, I took that out on you. Which was unfair and completely messed up for me to do. I didn't mean it, any of it and I'm sorry."

Alana looked down unimpressed. "Anything else you want to apologize for?"

Evan gulped. "Yeah, I let myself get distracted from the Connor project. I should've been more involved, I shouldn't have let my personal problems get in the way of it. And I do think it's important, and I'm sorry I didn't act like it was."

Alana stayed staring. "You think that's what I'm mad about?" Evan stared, mouth agape. _Shit, shit, shit, what else did I do? Did I forget something? Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought._ "You said you were doing better. Taking care of yourself. Hell, you talked me down from some really bad anxiety by walking me through the essential elements to a healthy body and mind: food, sleep, and medicine if necessary. And what do you do? You stop taking your medicine, you don't tell anyone you're losing sleep, and you stop eating. What the hell?"

Evan looked away, face red. "I'm sorry."

"You should've at least told somebody. You should've told _me_. I thought we were friends. Or I did until your rant the other day—"

"No, no, we are, we are, I mean, if you'll let me be, I just…" he took a breath, "I let myself feel pressured by so many things, and I just… you're right, I should've taken better care of myself."

Alana looked at him skeptically. "If you're going to be more involved in the Connor Project, you have to take care of yourself. Ok?"

Evan winced. "Alana, I… I don't know how to say this…" He shook his head. "I don't think I should be involved with the Connor Project."

Alana's eyes widened with shock. "What?"

"At least temporarily!" Evan sighed. "I need to focus on taking care of myself. Like, well, everyone has said. And I think that if I'm too involved with the Connor Project, I'm going to neglect taking care of myself. I can't focus on rehabilitation and the Connor Project. At least for a while." He looked down. "I'm sorry."

"I can't be co-president by myself! I need someone to help out. I need someone like you to lighten the load. So—"

"We'll find a replacement." He interjected. "A temporary co-president. Somebody who can handle the job without falling apart and climbing a tree."

Alana eyed him suspiciously. "You're sure about this? Is this the best solution?"

Evan nodded. "For now, yes. I'm sorry." He paused. "I actually need to ask you about the Connor Project." Alana looked at him, intrigued. "Did you… did you really publish the note Connor took from me online?"

Alana looked away ashamed. "I was trying to get you to answer us. I didn't mean to…"

"I know. It's just… you were so hurried. You didn't explain it, or make any attempt at clarification. You just posted. And now people think we published Connor's suicide note, which is ironically the same situation that started all of this in the first place."

"I doubt Zoe told you, but her family's been getting calls, threats, they're blaming them for Connor's death."

Evan furrowed his brow, disgusted. "That's awful."

"I guess I made a bit of a mess, huh?" Evan nodded, gravely. "How do I clean it up?"

Evan shrugged and shook his head. "I'm still trying to figure that out myself."

"You want to know the really sad part? That note got us across the Kickstarter goal. We even surpassed our goal. We're already in talks to reopen the orchard sometime in the next year."

Evan nodded. _Well, we reached our goal. That's good, right? Now we just gotta make good on all of those promises Alana made. She said something about the ADAA, Connor Project pins for people who donated, and a few other things… what was the one goal?_ Suddenly, Evan remembered one of Alana's promises. He looked up, already formulating a plan in his mind. "You said we would do a livestream when we passed the fundraising goal, right?"

She tried to remember. "I think I mentioned that in one of my videos. Why?"

"Get Jared and Zoe in here. I have a couple of ideas." His stomach rumbled loudly. "And maybe could you get me some food too?"

Alana nodded and rushed out, coming back in a few minutes later with Jared, Zoe, and some bland but filling food.

Evan explained his idea to the teens (while eating the first food he'd had in days). The others added ideas, explained things they could clarify, and discussed the logistics of what they were about to do. By the time the nurse came in to tell them Evan should be left alone to rest, they had a full plan in motion. Tomorrow afternoon, all would be explained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in releasing this chapter! Also I feel like its not my best writing but? Whatever. I think you're really gonna like next chapter (probably not really released tomorrow afternoon sorry :c ), it's got a lot of humor and friendship in it.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are always loved, even if I forget to respond. Please talk to me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo and I try to respond to messages fairly quickly and I like to think I'm genuinely pretty nice about it. But yeah, hope you liked this chapter, stay tuned for friendship, fluff, and not-quite-angst.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Connor Project hosts a live stream, and Evan gets lots of messages in a group chat.

Alana had organized everything, as usual. She had set the announcement on the Connor Project page, she set up a poll on what time would work best, and she'd assigned everybody a role. She had even gotten permission from the hospital to use the Wi-Fi ( _Lord knows how she convinced them to do that in such a short amount of time_ ) but as soon as Jared had tested the strength of the connection, he threw a fit and insisted on bringing his own Wi-Fi hotspot. Everyone was secretly glad when they realized how poorly the hospital Wi-Fi performed. Alana and Evan ran Zoe through what she was going to say and everything she was agreeing to would entail. To Evan's surprise, she had agreed to it all. She also started discussing some possible changes that she wanted to make, and all of the other teens agreed with what she was saying, saying that they could discuss some of her ideas at a future time.

Evan was incredibly nervous and anxious about what he had to do, but the other three had helped prepare a speech and ran him through what to do if he got nervous. Alana had run Jared through what his job was, but was received with a continuous stream of "yeah, I know" from the boy, who eventually told her that he knew more about his task than she did. With what time they had left, they looked over the outline for the 'schedule' and discussed what they think needed to be changed, parts that were going to go on for longer than anticipated and parts that were unnecessary. They chatted, talking about what to discuss, how much detail to go into, what to gloss over. Alana had them in position long before they were going to start. To say they were prepared would be an understatement.

To say they were terrified would be a bigger understatement. In some sense, they knew what they were doing and exactly how to do it. But in a wider sense, they had no previous model to base what they were about to do off of, no previous project to take inspiration from, no misunderstanding as large as the one that had been created. They just hoped they could clear everything up, that it wasn't too late. They didn't know how many people would pay attention, but they had to do this regardless. Jared was fairly convinced they could get a fair amount of people to watch; he had told Maureen, who he was fairly confident would tell others, who would tell others, and so on.

With one minute to go, they looked around at each other, nervously. Evan turned to Alana, who was sitting next to his bed, uncertain. Alana looked over to Zoe, holding a fully charged tablet with the camera aimed at the two co-presidents, and gave an indication that she was ready. She looked over to Jared by the window, and he merely gave a thumbs up. The stream would start any second. Evan closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, deep in thought.

 _Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why: things are looking up, and you're trying to look on the bright side, and this live stream will change things for the better. You're with three of the people you care about most in this world, and even though it's scary, the things you do today will help a lot of people. You're about to make up for a lot of the awful things you did, and just once you'll get to share the full truth, without having to lie about who you are or how you feel. Today, you get to be you. And that's enough._ He opened his eyes and nodded.

"I think we're good to go. Jared?" Zoe looked over to him.

"Stream has started and chat is live. People should come in any second. We're good to go." He looked over to Alana and Evan and gave a quick nod.

Alana looked directly into camera and smiled. "Hello to everybody joining our live stream. We at the Connor Project have an exciting announcement to make." She looked over at Evan.

He looked into the camera and said, "thanks to everyone who donated and shared the page, we've surpassed fundraising goal to reopen the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard as the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard."

"Which is why we're streaming today! We promised you guys the chance to see us, hear our plans, and discuss various aspects of the Connor Project. And that's the purpose of this live stream, complete with a monitored live chat!"

Zoe turned the camera and pointed it at Jared, who looked up from his laptop. "Yep, I'm monitoring this. We can answer questions, let you join discussions, and read any suggestions you have. But I can also mute the chat, and I do read _everything_. So watch your fucking language."

"Jared!" Evan exclaimed. _He gets too much mileage out of that joke._

Alana brushed it off and moved on. "Why don't we introduce ourselves?"

Jared nodded and looked back at the camera. "I'm Jared Kleinman, treasurer and chief technology officer for the Connor Project."

Alana frowned. "I thought I was chief technology officer."

"And who set up this whole thing? You're good at so many things, let me be good at this one thing."

Zoe turned the camera to capture Alana's expression, slightly taken aback but understanding and not argumentative. She turned back to the camera and said, "I'm Alana Beck, co-president, associate treasurer, media consultant, and assistant creative director slash public policy director for creative public policy initiatives for the Connor Project."

"Do you have to announce all your titles?" Zoe teased.

Evan spoke up. "And I'm Evan Hansen, co-president and founder of the Connor Project. And, yes, we're streaming from a hospital. I'm recovering from some recent injuries, unrelated to the Connor Project."

" _Completely_ unrelated." Jared snarked from the corner. Alana game him a nasty look.

Evan continued. "But we wanted to get a chance to update you on what's happening with the Connor Project."

Alana interjected. "Today we're going to discuss the past, present, and future of the Connor Project. We're going to make some announcements, clear up some confusion, and discuss the origins as well as upcoming plans for the Connor Project. I'll let Evan start." Alana turned to Evan, and he felt all eyes in the room on him. He was glad he couldn't feel the eyes of the digital masses, who may or may not be watching. He looked off in the distance and took several deep breaths. "Evan, are you ok? We can—"

"No, no. I can do this. I need to do this." He looked up at the camera. "I'd like to start this stream by talking about why the Connor Project was started, and clarifying some controversy that has been going around recently." _Just tell the story. They'll understand. Take a deep breath, and just speak._ "I'd like to take you back to earlier this year, the first day of school. As I mentioned in the speech I gave at the Connor Murphy memorial assembly, I broke my arm over the summer when I fell from a tree and nobody was around to help me. On the first day back to school, it was suggested to me to get somebody to sign my cast to try and help overcome… to help overcome my issues with anxiety. I decided to try it. I had five important interactions that day with four different people. By the end of the day, one of those four signed it."

"The first interaction was with a girl in my year, before the first bell rang. She was always moving, always kept busy. She was probably planning every single moment of her senior year, down to the minute, right as I talked to her. She asked me about my summer, but I barely managed to get a word into the conversation. Before I could ask her to sign my cast, she was off on some tangent, and before I could fully understand what was happening she was gone." Alana blushed a little and looked away as he described this. Judging by her expression, she didn't fully remember the event, but had no doubt it had happened.

"The second interaction was with a boy I knew, really the only kid in my class I ever talked to. But it was more out of necessity than friendship, and I knew he didn't really like me. He made fun of my cast, made a joke in really poor taste, and when I told him the real story of what happened, and he said it was… well, he said it was sad. Which it was. Is. But it still hurt. I asked him if he would sign my cast, and he clarified that we were, in fact, family friends, which is not the same as friends. And that family friends don't sign casts." In that moment, Jared was glad the audience could not see him cringe. He had been an ass that day. And most days before that.

"That should've been the end of that, except he saw another classmate of ours nearby. He was a bit of an outcast, and most people had only ever heard bad things about him. Most people had only ever heard bad things _from_ him. And my family friend makes some sort of joke—a joke that's just in real bad taste. And being the kind of person this family friend is, he tried to justify it by saying he was making a joke. This outcast kid became reasonably angry. Asked if he was laughing hard enough. The other kid walks away, calling the outcast a freak." Evan took a few moments for everyone to take in what he had said before continuing. "Which would've been the end of it, except he had left me alone with this kid who was now very angry. I don't fully remember what happened next. I coughed… or maybe I laughed… maybe I didn't do anything. But he turned to me, asked what I was laughing at, and shoved me to the ground, saying that I was the one who's a freak. Needless to say, my cast was not signed at this point in the day."

"I got up and would've just continued to class, except that somebody had seen the whole thing happen. It was a girl I knew who didn't really know me. I'd been… well, I'd had a crush on her for some time. But in a twist, she was the sister of the kid who pushed me. Surprise. She apologized for his behavior, and I proceeded to have the most awkward conversation of my life, that included me repeating my own name, asking her to sign my cast and then immediately retracting it in the hope that she didn't hear me, and an un-ironic use of the phrase 'no way, Jose.' It was awful and I wanted to die from embarrassment." Behind the camera, Zoe stifled a laugh and Evan tried to shoot her a subtle look.

"Classes started and for most of the day I pretty much avoided everyone. I think I ate lunch alone in the library. I survived the day, not talking to anyone. Except that I was avoiding something." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and said what followed slowly and clearly, so he wouldn't have to repeat it. "My therapist had given me an assignment, a short one that was just meant to exercise positive thinking, something I'm not terribly good at. I went to the computer lab after school to complete this assignment. But the assignment I did was not full of positivity. I was alone, and upset, and so done with everything. So I wrote something much darker. I finished it and printed it out, thinking that would be the end of it, I would be disappointing my therapist, reverting all the progress I'd made. But I was not alone in the computer lab that afternoon."

"The kid from earlier, the one who had shoved me, called me a freak, my crush's brother, appeared almost from out of nowhere. He asked me how I broke my arm. I told him. He said it was pretty sad, and I agreed. Then he offered to sign my cast. I said he didn't have to. But he did anyway. He said something that was almost nice. That made me think. Made me wonder if everything I thought about him was wrong. But he had grabbed my assignment from the printer. And He was about to hand it back, but he read it and… and he panicked. He thought I was trying to hurt him. He thought that I was making fun of him. And he ran. And he took the assignment with him."

Evan took another in a series of deep breaths. "That kid was Connor Murphy. And the paper he took was a letter addressed to me that was released on the Connor Project website two days ago, the one that everyone thought was Connor's…final words. And the funny thing about that is this isn't the first time that note was mistaken for Connor's letter. Apparently he kept it." He looked down. "I don't know if it was intentional or not. Maybe it was an accident but… what if he was trying to say something? I dunno…" Evan stayed unmoving for a few good seconds, until Alana gently put her hand on his shoulder and he looked up, and shook his head. He turned to Alana and whispered, "I'm fine."

He turned back to the camera. "But that moment in the computer lab, I felt so alone. And I realized Connor did too. And I wanted to disappear. But when Connor started to disappear it felt… it felt awful. Like nothing he had done mattered. But he had said we could pretend to be friends, and even if it wasn't a genuine offer or anything, Connor helped me. He made me realize I wasn't alone. That was the legacy I wanted to pass on with the Connor Project. That even when we feel so broken, so beaten down, even when we think we're just a mess… we're not alone. We all have people who we've affected, people who would notice if we were gone. When I wrote that letter, I was in a dark place. It was easily mistaken for Connor's last words, and… and unfortunately, I think that says a lot for itself." He frowned. "I thought I was doing better. I really did. But these injuries, plus reading that note again… it made me realize that I might need to spend more effort into taking care of myself."

He sighed. "Which leads us to our first big announcement. Effective immediately, I will be resigning as co-president of the Connor Project. At least temporarily. I need to take some time off to just… get better. I was doing good for a while, but I've kinda been in a downward spiral recently and… and…"

Alana shook her head. "You've told them enough. You don't owe them your whole life story." He mouthed a quick _thank you_ to her. She smiled at him, then turned back to the camera. "Of course, I can't run the Connor Project all by myself. Being co-president requires a lot of work. So until such a time that Evan feels comfortable enough to come back, the role of co-president will be filled by someone who knows all the work, is heavily invested in the Connor Project, and who is just a great fit. And she's holding the camera right now."

Zoe tried to put herself on the camera, but couldn't quite get in frame. The end result was incredibly goofy. "Hiiiiiiii!"

Jared put his head in his hand. "Jesus Christ, don’t talk from out of frame, just give the camera to Evan."

Zoe did so and after carefully positioning the camera so the broken leg wasn't in shot, she stood awkwardly for a few seconds. "What should I do?" she stage whispered to Evan and Alana.

Jared sighed. "Introduce yourself you weirdo."

Zoe glared at Jared. She rolled her eyes and turned back to face the camera. "Hi, I'm Zoe Murphy. You might know me as the dead kid's sister. Sorry, it's a dark joke, I know. But yes, I am Connor's sister. And to undercut some of the confusion, yes, I'm the same person mentioned in the note. But me and Evan are friends now, and it's good, so please no speculation like 'oh they're dating' or whatever, let's be more mature than that."

"Yeah, that entire thing seems like a lifetime ago," Evan butted in from off camera.

"Don't talk from off camera, Evan. Also, everyone in the live chat is already speculating you're secretly dating," Jared said.

"Perfect." Zoe rolled her eyes. "In any case, I'll be stepping in as temporary co-president until Evan feels ready to come back to the Connor Project. And depending on how things go, I'll stay with the Connor Project after Evan comes back."

"By the way, we should clarify, Evan isn't completely done with the Connor Project either, but his role will be heavily diminished for a while," Alana explained.

"OH MY GOD are you kidding me? Stop talking from off camera! Alana, go stand next to Zoe. You're co-presidents now, you might as well get close and do the rest of this together." Alana obeyed, shocked by Jared's sudden scolding.

Evan chuckled at the whole scene, slightly shaking the camera in the process. "The real irony here is that Jared is still off camera, too."

"I heard that asshole! And guess what? YOU'RE OFF CAMERA, STOP TALKING." The other three burst into laughter. There was something inexplicably funny about Jared acting all uncharacteristically serious about the live stream.

"Actually, Jared," Alana said, "since we're talking about the kickstarter and the donations, you should probably be on camera for this."

Jared grumbled something under his breath, but stood up and walked over to Zoe and Alana. "We reached our fundraising goal and we're trying to get the orchard open soon. There, you happy? Can I go back to moderating comments? I wanna see just how many people ship Zoe and Evan."

Alana rolled her eyes. "Yes, but what can you specifically tell us about the finances of the kickstarter? Where is the money going? You wanted to be treasurer, own up to the responsibility.

Jared sighed and began to rattle off the information monotonously. "As of right before this live stream started, we have surpassed our goal by approximately one thousand three hundred dollars. We appreciate your generosity and cannot thank you enough for donating and spreading the word. Though we have some time left in the kickstarter, following this live stream we will suspend donations. We believe we'll be able to reopen the orchard with the original goal of fifty thousand dollars, as that estimate was rounded up initially. Of the remaining funds, a miniscule amount will go to general maintenance of the Connor Project, such as continuing to pay for the domain name on our website, and the rest is planned to be donated to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. However, we would like your input if you believe there is a better use for the money. We'll create a short survey for you to take after the live stream is over to offer suggestions for what to do with the surplus of money. Now can I please go back to moderating the chat?" Without waiting for a response, he stepped out of frame and returned to his laptop. Alana looked to Zoe, who just shrugged in response. She was about to begin talking when Jared spoke again. "So everybody in chat is saying we should use the extra money to help pay for Evan's hospital bills."

Evan turned red and was grateful the audience couldn't see him. "Wha…? No, no—please, that's really… it's not the most helpful thing."

Alana cut him off. "While we appreciate your dedicated thoughts and responses, please save your suggestions for the survey that we'll post after the live stream. For now, let's let our new co-president handle the next topic."

Zoe nodded. "We discussed this a fair amount, and we've made the decision to shift emphasis a little bit away from Connor as the Connor Project continues into the future. This seems like a weird choice, but let me explain. It's true that I was Connor's sister, and… this whole thing has deeply affected me. But Connor and I didn't really have a good relationship. He was an awful brother, and I'm sure I was far from a perfect sister. We didn't get along at all, we antagonized each other, sometimes with good reason, but sometimes not so much. I couldn't even mourn him for a while, which I realize must make me seem heartless, but for so long I could only remember the bad parts of our relationship, the constant tension, drama, and even fear. He wasn't exactly a source of light in my life. But that definitely didn't mean I wanted him gone or anything. And I feel even now part of the blame might fall on me, because I never realized what he was going through, I never considered his side, I just hated the things he did that hurt me. I vilified him."

"But one thing that Evan has consistently pointed out, ever since the beginning, is that Connor was a real person, who had complex thoughts and motivations. He wasn't one hundred percent good or evil. He was just a person who had his own issues, his own problems to work through… he couldn't be easily categorized by whatever perceptions I had of him. And I wasn't the only one doing this, everybody at school either overreacted, as if the tragedy were their own, as if we lost a pure and good soul, or completely ignored it, saying it was better that he was dead, making terrible jokes, laughing at the fact he was gone. Before the school forgot about Connor, Evan wanted the two different perceptions of him to be changed and sort of 'fixed' in a way, not a psychopath who deserved to die, but not a perfect person who didn't do anything wrong. I think people realize now that he was somebody who made some bad choices, and had some issues that weren't properly addressed."

"Now we feel is the proper moment to shift focus away from Connor and to the other purpose Evan had in mind when creating this group: making sure others know that they are not alone. Making sure nobody disappears." She looked around at the others. "I think most of us involved with the Connor Project have felt alone at some point. Like we could disappear and nobody would notice. So we want to be there for people who might feel the same way. We want to promote the message to any kids in school that everybody has their own experience. We want to encourage compassion and empathy from an otherwise apathetic student body. And all of this isn't to say that we're going to forget about Connor completely, because that would be counter-productive to this message. But there will be a lot less focus on him, fewer testimonials in the future. We feel that the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard will serve as a good way to keep his memory alive for now." She smiled and looked around at the others.

"Of course, we want to hear your thoughts on this." Alana interject. "There will be a portion on the survey regarding the future of the Connor project, what you want to see from us, some ideas you might have, how to improve our community outreach, everything. Let us know."

"Getting some good suggestions already," Jared said. "Be sure to complete the survey if you want us to do any of this, though."

"Well, with that I think we can open the stream for questions and discussion." Alana said.

"I'm sending instructions to the chat on how to format questions." Jared said.

"You can address any one of us, or ask us a question as a group." Zoe added.

"You know what, Evan? Give me the tablet ok?" Jared stood up and walked over to Evan, taking the tablet from him not quite by force. He walked back to the window and carefully set it at an angle where it wouldn't fall. "Look, we'll just stand it up here, and then we're all in shot and they can ask us stuff. Cool? Ok…so most common question I'm getting is 'are Evan and Zoe dating?'"

Zoe and Evan looked at each other. Zoe rolled her eyes. "We literally just answered this."

"No!" Evan said exasperated. "No, we're not. It's not happening. Ok? We're friends, and we're really good with that. Can we please move on to better questions, Jared?"

"Ok, ok… we got a question asking if we've been to the orchard." The other three looked nervously at each other.

Alana finally looked back and answered. "Yes, actually. The four of us recently saw the orchard. It's amazing, even without human intervention, the trees are still growing, and it's still full of life. We really feel it will serve as a suitable memorial for Connor."

"I remember when we were kids, he and I would run around through the fields. I think we had some of our best times there. It's really a special place." Zoe added.

"Ok, let's see… I got some people asking if Evan and Alana are dating."

Evan squinted. "What?" He looked at Alana. "No." He looked back to the tablet. "What?"

"Jared, stop reading the questions about relationships, it's really none of their business."

"Um, might be a little too late. Chat's kinda broken out into a ship war. Oh look, Jared and Evan."

"Why is everyone shipping _me_?" Evan whined.

"Jared can you mute the chat or something?" Alana asked.

"Done."

"Ok, can you please focus on real questions about the Connor Project?" Alana pleaded with the camera.

"One second… nope, chat is muted again. They're all just arguing over ship names."

Evan groaned. Alana sighed. Zoe rolled her eyes. She'd had enough of this. "Ok," Zoe began, "let's make a deal. If we tell you who each of us ships in the confines of the Connor Project, will you please ask us legitimate questions?"

"Zoe!" Evan protested.

"If it's the only way to stop them…" Zoe replied.

"Chat is saying yes." Jared said. "Lot of them are adding winking emoji. But I think we can trust them. So since you're the one who had this _brilliant_ idea, Zoe, who do you ship?"

"Alana and Jared," she said without missing a beat. "They would have the most dysfunctional relationship. Alana would be ready to murder him after only three hours of dating. It would be so fun to watch." Alana protested to this description while Jared pretty much nodded and agreed. Evan just chuckled, trying to picture a universe where Jared and Alana of all people were dating. He wondered what that world was like. It certainly wasn't normal. "What about you, Alana?"

Alana thought about it for a few seconds before replying. "I hate to go along with the crowd, but I really do think Evan and Zoe would be good together. They're both such amazing people, you just wanna give them a hug. They would be so cute together." Alana gave Evan a fond look, and looked back to Zoe, who was shaking her head and laughing.

Jared turned back to the tablet. "Well I ship myself with everyone." The other three made various noises of astonishment and disappointment. "What? My dating game is awful right now and I need all the help I can get. Shipping myself with everyone gives me a mathematical advantage."

"No it doesn't." Zoe interjected.

"Whatever, Murphy." He turned back around. "Evan. You've been surprisingly quiet."

Evan started sweating. He was trying to think, but he couldn't really say that he thought any one ship would be good. It seemed all the good answers had been taking.

"Let's hear it, Evan." Zoe said. And suddenly an idea crept into his head.

"Yeah, do you have a ship, Evan?" Alana asked.

"Yes," he said, a smirk spreading across his face, "a _friend_ ship." He waited for the joke to sink in. He did not wait long.

Alana began laughing. Zoe slapped her forehead. "Oh my god."

Jared looked unamused. "Hold him down, I'm gonna break his other leg."

Evan chuckled a bit. "But seriously, the path that led here was rough and it completely sucks. But I used to be really lonely. And now… well, thanks to this I have some really close friends. And I don't think I'd trade that for anything in the world. It's just… it's really amazing. I used to feel like I could just, like, fade away, and nobody would even notice. And now I've got this whole… this whole support system, these people who just… mean the world to me." He looked over. Alana and Zoe were smiling, but Jared was looking down, as if Evan was describing some other group that didn't include him. "They care about me. And I love them more than I have words for."

Zoe walked over to Evan's side and gave him a small hug. Alana soon followed suit. Zoe called over to Jared. "Get in here, this group hug is not optional."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Yeah, no thanks."

Evan smiled at him. "Nope, you don't have a say in the matter. Get in here now." Jared hesitated, looking confused, but cautiously joined the group hug. In that moment, Evan felt that warmth that had always been so hard to place. It just felt good, and pleasant. It felt like belonging. They pulled away from Evan, laughing slightly and smiling. Evan turned back to the camera. "Ok, no more talk of shipping. Just focus on like, actual things we can answer."

Jared sat back down and unmuted the chat. "Ok… so we got people asking how we became friends."

Alana looked around confused. "That's not… entirely relevant?"

Evan rolled his eyes. "Jared and I have been family friends from a young age. Alana's been our classmate for years, and I kind of knew of Zoe because of Connor. I'd say the four of us really became friends because of the Connor Project. That's the simplest explanation." The other three nodded in agreement.

"Ok, here's a good one: why is the direction of the Connor Project heading towards helping mental illness specifically?"

Zoe looked hesitantly at the others before starting. "Well, it definitely has something to do with how Connor died. We know that Connor clearly had mental illness that he just wasn't getting proper help for. We think that there might have been some more serious issues with him that were undiagnosed. We hope to help erase the stigma surrounding having these illnesses and getting help for them."

Evan took a deep breath and butted in. "Speaking from a personal perspective, my anxiety has caused huge problems for me in the past. I'm ashamed of my mental illness, and… well, that really makes it worse sometimes."

Alana nodded. "I feel the same way. There's a large stigma around mental illness, and I didn't get help for mine for a long, long time. And a lot of teens specifically feel pressured into being better than they are, healthier than they are, and it doesn't help anyone. If we can help remove some of these issues, we might be able to prevent what happened to Connor from happening to other kids." Alana gave Evan a look that mirrored his relief and terror. _Admitting you have mental illness is hard, but talking about it is so much harder._

Jared nodded. "Ok, next question… what's going to happen to the Connor Project after we graduate?"

"Well, first of all," Zoe said, "I'm a year younger than the rest of them, so I'll still be around."

Alana put a hand to her chin. "I think we're all going to different colleges… and we haven't really discussed it." She looked over to Evan. "Should we keep the positions, or should they be passed down to younger students?"

Evan shrugged. "I'm not co-president anymore. Why don't you ask Zoe?"

"Don't look at me, I literally just got the job."

"I'll add a section for discussion in the survey," Jared chimed in. "Sound good?" The others nodded in agreement. "Ok, now people are asking where we're going to college."

Zoe chuckled. "I'm a junior, I don't gotta worry about that."

Alana's eyes lit up. "I've applied to so many places. I mean, I've applied to some ivy league schools, but I'm not sure if the name is really worth the price. But I have some time and I'm weighing my options."

"I got some places I got my eye on," Jared explained. "Few good places on the west coast, some in New England." He shrugged. "Like Alana, I'm just kinda weighing the options."

Evan shrugged. "I'm not really sure… I mean there are some good places, but you know, I'll probably end up going in state. Just cheaper."

"Speaking of," Jared said, causing the other three to look over at him, "we all know of the financial strains of college. And the FAFSA doesn't really help at all. So to help our amazing founder with his college fund, I've created a kickstarter to—"

Evan's eyes widened in surprise. "No!"

Zoe shook her head. "Jared, this is a road you don't want to go down."

"It would literally be like accepting handouts from strangers. My mom will kill you. Please take down that page before anyone finds it."

Jared put his hands up. "Fine, fine. Just trying to do something nice."

"And I appreciate it but take it from me and Zoe, that would not go over well with my mom."

"Alright, alright." He hurriedly tapped his keyboard. "It's gone. Guess we'll go back to answering questions?"

The other three nodded in response. They continued the stream for a while, answering questions and filling in trivia. They laughed, planned, kept referring back to the survey, and just talked. All in all, it wasn't such a bad time. After a while though, they realized it would be judicious to end the chat rather than to try and answer every single question. They signed off, Jared edited some things and posted the survey and just relaxed, inexplicably exhausted.

"Hey Evan," Jared said, "are you allowed to eat solid foods? Like is that a thing? Or will it mess with your blood sugar or some weird health shit like that?"

"I… think so? I mean, I don't really know."

Zoe eyed Jared with confusion. "Aren't all hospital patients only allowed to eat, like, the worst flavor of Jell-O or something?"

Jared shrugged. "That's why I'm asking. Was thinking maybe we could get a pizza. Celebrate all our hard work."

"The hard work of talking into a camera for a few hours?" Alana asked, amused.

"Come on, even you have to admit it's inexplicably tiring to participate in a live stream like that. And regardless of how much work the stream was, we still passed our kickstarter goal, which I think is definitely worth celebrating."

"I'm totally in," Zoe said, "but if we're getting pizza, we're getting _good_ pizza, ok? None of that Domino's or Pizza Hut crap. We're splurging."

Alana nodded. "I know a _really_ really good place that's nearby. I think it's kind of expensive though…"

Jared turned to Evan. "I want to get this fancy pizza, but it's super expensive, and I wouldn't mind eating greasy, super cheap pizza. Evan, what should I do?"

Evan's eyes lit up, and his mouth curved into a wicked grin. "Three words: Treat. Yo. Self."

Jared pumped a fist triumphantly in the air. "YES! You got the reference."

"Such a good episode."

"Wait, did you get to the second treat yo' self episode?"

"No, I've been super busy, I haven't really gotten to the later seasons."

"You need to binge it until you get there, honestly, it was life changing."

Zoe rolled her eyes. She and Alana stood up and headed towards the door. "Ok, you guys can geek out over Parks and Rec when we get back. Jared, come on. You gotta help pay."

"Yeah, yeah…" he stood up, but before he could leave, something caught his eye. "Hey Evan, your phone's been going off like crazy." He handed the phone to a perplexed Evan. "Cheese, right?" he asked with a grin.

Evan smiled in response. "You know it."

Jared chuckled and followed the girls out the door. _You know, today was really good. But… like, is it always gonna be this way?_ He shook his head. _I shouldn't worry about when things aren't super great, I should just enjoy the good moments before they're gone._ He looked at his phone and was surprised to see several notifications from a group chat. He cocked his head sideways when he saw what the name of the chat had been changed to.

> ** #SaveEvan2k17 **
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Idk maybe we shouldn't like
> 
> Discuss shipping real ppl?
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> But come on!
> 
> Zoe and Evan together would be so cute!
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> I'm somewhat inclined to agree with Colton. Also, not that it matters, but Alana/Zoe is clearly the superior ship. They're both kickass girls who have their shit together and would dominate any couples contests with their combined strength and brains.
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> (ok but ezra ur totally just saying that bc theyre gay)
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> And what is your point?
> 
> **Sexuality: UNKNOWN**
> 
> Um why is the chat blowing up?
> 
> Ok and wtf is with my name in chat?
> 
> And with the chat name?
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> EVAN!
> 
> Chat's blowing up bc ur live stream was HELLA.
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> Evan, babe, you did fantastic!
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Can't imagine how hard it was to stand in front of the camera and just talk so candidly about these things.
> 
> **Sexuality: UNKNOWN**
> 
> Um, great. Thanks.
> 
> And my other questions?
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> Hey Evan. Colton Maureen and I were just discussing the stream. All of you did fantastically, and you should be like really proud. Chat name came from a joke we made during the stream about how you don't deserve the shit you've been through, and the fake hashtag of #saveevan2k17 was born. As for your name in chat, we're all named by our sexualities but you kind of left last time, we don't actually know yours.
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> Yeah, come on
> 
> Are you the One Straight Friend™?
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Guys, let's be mature
> 
> He doesn’t have to tell us if he doesn’t want to
> 
> **Sexuality: UNKNOWN**
> 
> Um
> 
> I'm not really
> 
> I don't know?
> 
> I haven't really liked many people so…
> 
> _Bi Gal changed Evan Hansen's nickname to Quizzically Questioning_
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> Fixed it
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Jesus Maureen
> 
> We can change it back
> 
> **Quizzically Questioning**
> 
> No, it's
> 
> It's fine
> 
> It has added alliterative appeal now
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> The livestream was quite enjoyable, and we all think you did an excellent job with it. We're looking forward to seeing what you guys are doing in the future with the Connor Project. The three of us and some others have already filled out the surveys. We're really impressed with the work you're doing.
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> Oh, Evan, can you make it to the concert?
> 
> **Quizzically Questioning**
> 
> Oh yeah
> 
> I checked the date on that
> 
> Should be good
> 
> My leg will still be in a cast but
> 
> I'll manage
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> Awesome! :)
> 
> Ezra was thinking about tagging along.
> 
> And if I can get Colton to come we can make it a triple date ;)
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Again, plane tickets are expensive
> 
> But the college visit did go pretty well
> 
> I might be able to fabricate an excuse
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> It will be a lot of fun. Of course if we have the understanding that its not like a real date. And that we most definitely will not have sex.
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Yeah, I got it Ezra
> 
> I'm not _that_ dumb
> 
> And I mean, if you and jared come evan
> 
> We could do an even smaller get together
> 
> Hopefully less dramatic than last time
> 
> Too soon?
> 
> **Quizzically Questioning**
> 
> I'd like that
> 
> And nope
> 
> Not too soon
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> I have a feeling this one will be better than last time.
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> And you can actually meet Ellie this time!
> 
> God she's fantastic and I love her
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> That is so very completely gay.
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> So are you, what's your point? :p
> 
> **GAY**
> 
> That gay things are objectively better than straight ones. Which is why Alana/Zoe as a couple is objectively better than Zoe/Evan as a couple.
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Come on guys
> 
> Not while Evan's right here
> 
> **Bi Gal**
> 
> What exactly is the ship name for Alana/Zoe? :/
> 
> I'll wait.

 

Evan rolled his eyes. _Jared's friends are weird. In a lovable sort of way._ Though he wasn't really paying much attention to the group chat anymore, he noticed a notification from somebody, but not in the chat.

 

> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Hey
> 
> So just wanted to check to make sure you're ok?
> 
> I know you've been through a lot recently
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I'm fine.
> 
> You're really sticking with that nickname?
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Jared gave it to me.
> 
> I kind of love it.
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Fair enough
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Speaking of
> 
> Like, I hate to be the guy to do this
> 
> But we gotta talk about Jared
> 
> So first of all, you need to know he was fucking terrified the other day
> 
> He was blaming himself for what happened
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Shit
> 
> No
> 
> It was all me
> 
> I mean I don't want to say that like suicide is selfish or any of that bullshit
> 
> But I wasn't thinking about how others would feel
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Ok
> 
> I get it
> 
> Its just
> 
> You also didn't talk to him at all when you woke up
> 
> And I think he thinks you're done with him
> 
> That you hate him
> 
> Or don't want to be his friend
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> No its not taht at all
> 
> Of course I want to be his friend
> 
> I just
> 
> Had the idea for the livestream
> 
> And suddenly the nurse came in and I didn't really have a chance to talk with him
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Well you need to do that
> 
> Soon
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Definitely
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Ok
> 
> And not to make this super weird or anything
> 
> But you know how much he cares about you
> 
> Right?
> 
> You know he loves you?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I think so
> 
> I'm still just having a hard time registering it
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> And that's perfectly fine
> 
> But unfortunately I gotta ask
> 
> And you don't have to answer this if you don't want to
> 
> But
> 
> Do you love him back?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> ...
> 
> I don't know?
> 
> Ugh
> 
> Its just
> 
> Not a few months ago I was obsessing over zoe
> 
> And now my best friend kisses me
> 
> I don’t know anymore
> 
> Its not like ive liked people that often before
> 
> Its pretty much just been zoe.
> 
> Maybe aa few others before?
> 
> Idk
> 
> Im really out of touch with my emotions
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> And that’s fine
> 
> You don't have to know
> 
> If you want I know some people who have been in similar situations
> 
> Maybe talking with them would be illuminating
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> That might be helpful
> 
> **Alexander Pan-Colton**
> 
> Ok
> 
> Just say the word and I'll get them in contact with you
> 
> Talk to Jared
> 
> And please, for the love of god, stay safe
> 
> And take care of yourself
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I will

 

"You better love this pizza, Evan, it was fucking expensive as shit," Jared said, walking through the door with a box in his hand. Alana and Zoe carried a few more boxes behind him.

Alana sat next to Evan cheerfully. "We're already starting to receive surveys back!"

Evan nodded. "That's great!"

Zoe couldn't keep a straight face. "The number one suggestion for what to do with the excess money is use it to pay off your hospital bill."

Evan's jaw dropped. "No," he said in disbelief.

Alana nodded, trying to hold in a laugh. "The second was to put towards your college fund."

Evan put his face in his hands. "Why?" he asked to nobody in particular.

Jared put his hand on Evan's arm. "Look, we're still waiting for all the surveys to come back in. Worst case scenario, we ask your mom, she says no, we donate it to the ADAA." Jared gave him a smile, and suddenly Evan got that warm feeling again.

Evan rested his hand on top of Jared's. "Ok." He patted Jared's hand and the hand left Evan's arm, Jared giving a slightly confused look in the process. "So where's the cheese?"

They laughed and ate pizza, looking at the survey results, wondering how to tell Heidi thousands of strangers literally wanted to give handouts to her son. It was a good night. Evan could tell that much. Because he was having so much fun, he didn't even remember falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you this was going to be a fun chapter. Next chapter is gonna be just a bit angsty, but like in a good way, not in an "everything sucks this is horrible" kind of way. Basically, next chapter is going to be the chapter where Evan and Jared finally talk.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS, KUDOS, EVERYTHING, I LOVE IT ALL AND I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE OF THIS FIC. Also if you want to talk to me (about this fic or about literally anything) please message me on tumblr @official-didney-worl-elmo, I crave validation and love talking to new people. Thanks so much for keeping up with this fic!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan dreams about Connor, and Jared and Evan finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just a heads up, there's a link at some point in this chapter, while he's talking to Jared, and if you click on that I guarantee that your reading experience will be enhanced.

There was a weird familiarity to the trees Evan found himself walking through. He couldn't place it though. He wasn't sure where he was or how he got there, but he knew it was safe and comfortable. Sun streamed through the dense canopy, creating an almost magical quality to the forest. He half expected to see some fairy tale creature or Ghibli creation to emerge. The forest wasn't distracting or dangerous, but it wasn't quite still. It gave the sense of being alive, of breathing, changing, chattering. Evan could swear he heard whispers in the trees, only some of which he could fully make out.

**"What are you so afraid of?" _"You're lucky you got a cute smile you tree nerd."_**

_"I care about you and I'm worried sick about you and your behavior recently."_

**_"Can't you tell he thinks you're great?"  _ "He can use it to make his life better just like he's made our lives better." **

_"You're not alone."   ~~"Your speech was good by the way. But you know that."~~       "I have no idea what I'd do without you."_

**"Slow down, think this through."** "I guess those letters to yourself must've really helped." ~~~~

~~"It would be such a gift to us if we could do this for Evan!"~~ **_"Yeah, you're pretty alright, Hansen."     _** _"You're so fucking brave and strong, and you have no fucking idea how proud I am to have you as a friend."_ ~~~~

~~"Your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you."~~   ~~"My point is, people care about you, and worry about you. Trust me, Jared's pretty much said as much a dozen times tonight."~~          _"I think you're pretty great."_ ~~~~

"I already know you. And I love you."    _"I think what they're trying to say is that school isn't nearly as important as making sure our friend is ok."   _ "Wouldn't trade you for the world."

**_ "You've given me my brother back."                                                   _ ** _ "You're so cute, you're so. Fucking. Adorable." _

"They care about you, and they love you. Never underestimate the value of that."          _"People listen to you, Evan."  _ ** ~~"You were fantastic."~~**

_~~"He wanted his closest friends all in one place."~~      _ "Don't let go of the people who bring you joy."         _"You're fine Evan. You're going to be fine. We're here. I'm here. We care about you, and you're going to be ok. We're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere." ~~~~_

~~ "You're ok, Evan. You're ok." ~~

 

Evan could hear these affirmations, and he felt relaxed. It was as if the entire world around him was telling him that things were going to be ok. He let himself wander deeper into the trees which seemed to go on without end. He stopped after a while, not for any reason in particular, but because he had sensed it was time to stop. He waited underneath the trees until he heard a rustle. He didn't move or react as he heard it. He merely waited for some sound.

"I thought you might be here."

Evan turned around and greeted the familiar face with a smile. "Connor." It seemed to Evan there was something different about this appearance, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He looked at Connor for a second, then cautiously reached out. His hand made contact with Connor's arm. "I can touch you?"

"Seems so."

"Am I… I'm not dead, am I?"

Connor laughed. "I think you're just dreaming."

Evan looked up. "That makes a lot of sense."

"Can we sit and talk?" Evan nodded, walking towards a tree trunk and sitting under the cooling shade. Connor followed suit. "So, things are looking up?"

Evan nodded. "I guess so. Maybe?" He looked down at his lap. "The leg is just a dream thing. It's still gonna be broken in the morning. Right?"

Connor shrugged. "I'm presuming. Unless a lot more time has passed than we initially thought. That would be a whole different problem." Evan chuckled. It almost felt like talking to a real friend. "So, not to belabor the point, but you did a really stupid fucking thing. I should know."

Evan sighed. "Yeah. But I… I don't know, I wasn't thinking."

"It was a nice letter. Well written. Said some really important things." Connor nodded as he listed everything. He then looked up and said in a neutral tone, "I wish you'd never written it though."

Evan shrugged.  "I thought I had to. God knows why. But I did have a lot to say to you."

"So why didn't you just talk to me? I was there, begging you not to write it, begging you to stop and think things through, trying to help you figure out what the fuck was going on in that messed up week."

"Because I don't know if you're actually here, Connor. And you can't or won't tell me. I needed to tell you what I was going through, I needed to actually talk to you without feeling uncertain my words would ever reach you. I needed to ask how you could treat one of my closest friends the way you did. I needed to say sorry for not being there for you. I needed to tell you so many things in a way that I could be certain I could reach you." Evan kept a steady tempo with his words, never raising his voice or getting passionate, but merely stating everything as fact. "I guess it's a little late for that though."

Connor shrugged. "I guess." The two sat in the ambient noise, as if afraid to disturb the semblance of stillness. "It's not your fault, Evan. I was too far gone. You know that there was nothing you could've done."

"I don't though. I don't know what I could've done, I don't know if it would've fixed anything but… I don't know, I could've done something."

"Maybe I could've done something too."

"You signed my cast. What more could you have done?"

"Not read your letter? Let you explain? Fuck, I don't know." Connor looked at the ground. "Not folded and kept your letter. That would've kept you from all this confusion, this huge mess."

Evan frowned. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but your dad was right. This was always going to be a mess. Maybe I wouldn't be as involved? I dunno. But you'd still be dead. And… I'd still have no one. I just wish I could've done something… anything to make you not do it."

Connor looked up and smiled sadly. "Maybe it's better for you that I died." Evan looked up, horrified. "You have friends now. You're not alone. If dying is the price I had to pay to help you realize that, I'm glad I payed it."

"You don't understand how many people you hurt in the process. How hurt your family, your classmates… you must've had friends somewhere—"

"Did you though? Did you have any friends to speak of?"

Evan looked away. "But it didn't work. The second things went wrong I panicked. And maybe… well, maybe I could've handled the crushing loneliness forever, but to not feel like that and then have it all taken away just hurt. And I have to live with the knowledge every day that I wasn't able to help you. Do you think I'm better for that?" Connor remained silent. "Your mother, who loved you so much… she's never going to fully recover from this. Zoe has a million things she'll never get to say to you. Your dad—well, I can't say that he tried hard…but he's clearly hurt by this, too."

"Everything I did hurt them. Dying was the last decision I ever made that caused them pain."

"They suffer with the consequences of that decision every day though. And so do I. Alana, I'm sure. Others probably. Don't toss that aside as if it means nothing. And it's not as if that decision had a simple consequence, it had thousands of unknowns and variables that we're all still trying to pick up after. You dying didn't make anything better. It changed things. But it didn't make things better, and it hurt everyone you knew in the process."

Connor looked up and smiled. "So you've learned some things, I take it." Evan stared at him, confused. "What did climbing the tree feel like?"

"Awful. It was difficult. I didn't want to climb all the way up."

"I meant the first time." Evan fell silent. "How'd you break your arm Evan?"

"I fe-" He stopped himself. He couldn't keep doing this. To everyone. To Connor. And certainly not to himself. "I… I let go."

"What was climbing the tree like the first time?"

Evan sighed, riddled with guilt. "Breathtaking. Exhilarating. I reached as high as I could go and the view…I wanted to share it with someone. But that's when I realized how alone I was." Evan extended his legs, noting they were now on a tree branch a few feet off the ground. He moved so his legs were comfortably hanging over the side. _Dreams are weird._

"Who? Who did you want to share it with? Any specific person?"

Evan shrugged. "I don't know. Anybody. If I had to single someone out probably Zoe. Back when I was still obsessed with her."

"What changed the second time?"

"I couldn't lie to myself. I knew what I was doing, And suddenly it was deliberate. Every scrape, every branch I grabbed wrong, every uncomfortable perch… it hurt and it was hard. In a way it wasn't before."

"But the view?"

"…Even more breathtaking. The orchard is a special place. I hope you really did like it. And I hope you like what they do with it."

Connor shrugged. "It doesn't really matter what I think anymore. I'm gone. And we're talking about you now. So. Anybody you wanted to share the view with this time?"

"…I guess, maybe Jared?"

Connor smiled. "How was climbing down?"

Evan shook his head. "So much worse than climbing up. So, so, so much worse, because suddenly I had to live with my consequences. Every step made my stomach flip. I never want to do that again."

"So anything you learned from that?"  
Evan thought about it. "Dying isn't easy. But living is harder. It's so much worse having to face what you've done. But in the end… it's the only option. It's the only one that makes sense." He turned to Connor, who gave him a look that almost resembled pride. "C-can I ask you something, Connor?"

"Might not be able to answer. I'll try. Shoot."

"Were you… I mean did you…" _Why is it so hard to ask? It's just… it's just a question._ "Were you gay? Or like bi, maybe or… did you like guys?"

Connor blinked. "Did I ever say anything to suggest that?"

"Well not to me." Connor tilted his head. "But you annotated _Aristotle and Dante_."

"And what did I say?"

"…That you identified with Dante wanting to kiss boys more than girls, why are you asking me? Shouldn't you know this?"

Connor shrugged. "So does that answer your question?"

"I mean not really. Maybe. Kinda. I don't know! Ugh! I'm just—Why can't you ever make anything easy?"

"Why would knowing make anything easier?"

Evan sighed. "I just… I'm just confused and I don't… I'm not sure what's going on."

"Why are you confused?"

He stared down. "Because of Jared."

"What in particular about Jared?"

"Why do you always speak in questions? What's that about? Can't you just like pick up on certain things?"

"I think that you prefer to come to conclusions by yourself. But if you insist." Connor pushed himself off the tree branch and landed on the ground. Evan followed suit. The two began walking through the trees. "So Jared loves you. Why is that confusing?"

"Because I don't know how I feel about him. I never have. And it's been changing recently, and I don't know how I feel about that. And now… he loves me and it's confusing."

"So you wanted to know if I liked guys so you could figure out if you liked guys too. If you liked Jared back."

"…I guess?"

"But you've only ever liked Zoe before. You said that yourself. Was there anybody else?"

Evan shrugged. "The forgotten elementary school crush. A random stranger or two, maybe. Maureen."

"What about Maureen drew you to her? I mean, she is attractive, but anything specifically?"

Evan paused. "There was this… she had this… I could tell she was an adventure. And it could be dangerous, but I wanted to know more. I mean, that's how I felt about Zoe too. Very different person, very different personality, but I wanted to know more."

"Can you think of any guys you felt that way about? Wanting to know more? What made you realize that?"

Evan closed his eyes, deep in thought. He opened them and stopped walking suddenly. "Shit. Colton. He laughed, and it just sounded… amazing. And I knew I wanted to know more about this kid, all his weird drama with his friends, how he knew Maureen and Ezra. I had to know more about this kid."

"But you don't think you have a crush on Colton." It wasn't a question.

"No, you're right. I want to be his friend, same with Maureen after my crush on her wore off."

"Do you think you might've felt the same kind of crush on Colton as you did on Maureen?" Evan shrugged. "How did Zoe make you feel? When you were in love with her?"

"Butterflies. All the time. Like glitter was exploding inside of me."

"But Jared makes you feel—"

"Warm. I guess it felt the same when we were friends before. And then… it was gone when he started emphasizing the 'family' part of it. And at the party, when I thought he was trying to hurt me it just turned… it just turned cold."

"But the kiss itself?"

"In hindsight… burning."

"So, it doesn't sound like the same thing as Zoe."

"Not at all…but it's better. The warmth… it makes me feel safe. Like… like I'll never have to be alone again. And if he loves me… maybe that's true."

"I think you're making some great observations here, assuming you remember any of this when you wake up. I almost hate to bring this up. But you said you and Jared shouldn't date in an ideal world where you do like each other. Has that changed?"

Evan looked down, shook his head and sank to his knees. "I tried to end it. I can't do that to him again. If we started doing anything…I can just imagine a thousand ways I could hurt him like that and I can't risk putting him through that."

"Why not?" Connor kneeled down next to Evan.

Evan began blushing. "Can this one please just remain unspoken? Please?"

Connor nodded. "It can. I understand. But that doesn't change anything. You need to talk to him."

He shook his head. "I have a thousand apologies to make. We have so much to talk about."

 Connor put his hand on Evan's shoulder. "Learn from my mistakes. Talk to him about it as soon as you can." Evan nodded. "Don't push away the people you care about. Just…let him feel the same way he makes you feel. Tell Jared how you feel."

_I love him._

Evan opened his eyes and he was back in the hospital. He could tell it was dark outside. It probably was early in the morning. He didn't remember the sun setting before falling asleep. He looked over by the window, and sure enough saw Jared. Jared was staring at him, taking deep breaths. He looked like he hadn't rested in a while.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What time is it?"

Jared pulled out his phone. "Like… three seventeen."

"Have you been watching me this entire time?"

"We thought we should try and watch you in shifts. I agreed to take the first one. You should sleep, you're still getting over the leg and the concussion and… a whole bunch of things."

"Nope, I'm fine, I'm not tired. You, on the other hand, look exhausted."

Jared smirked. "I'll be fine."

Evan exhaled, a silent laugh. He regarded Jared with a fond look, under no delusions of exactly what he needed to say in this conversation. "We need to talk."

Jared shook his head. "No, you made it pretty clear that you didn't want to talk to me and… I get it, I understand. I mean…I'll understand if after this you don't want to talk to me at all…"

"No, Jared, just… come over here next to me." Jared moved and sat next to Evan in his bed. "Jared, of course I want to talk to you. You're my best friend." Jared gave a confused look. Evan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you."

Jared shrugged and looked away. "You were angry at me, and for good reason. It's ok."

"No it's not ok." He started trembling, too aware of what he had to say. "I said you had no real friends, I said that you enjoy ruining people's lives." He felt his eyes water. "I said I didn't give a shit about you, that you could die and I wouldn't care and… I can never un-say those words. I can apologize but it can never change the fact that it happened."

"No, Evan, I'm fine, really—"

"No, Jared, I don't ever want you to feel the way I felt, the way I still feel sometimes. You mean so much to me, you make my life so much better and I don't know what I'd do without you." He felt the tears gently stream down his face, and he struggled to steady his breathing.

"Evan, I was… I was drunk at the party. And I shouldn't have done what I did. But I did. Because I…" Jared shook his head. "I'm in love with you. And I have been for a while."

Evan nodded. "I know. I'm sorry that… I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner."

"I pushed you away. I tried to set you up with Zoe. I did everything I could to stop these feelings from happening, but I just can't and I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing for how you feel? I can't ask you to change how you feel."

Evan saw a tear fall from Jared's face. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I hate the fact that what I did led you to the orchard, I hate it I hate it I hate it, I hate that I made you think I didn't care about you, I hate that I made you feel alone, I hate that I might still make you feel that way—"

"You don't Jared. Not at all. The opposite."

"Look Evan… I'm in love with you. But I want to be your friend, and actually be your friend this time around. I know… I know you don't feel the same way about me, and I know you never will—"

"Jared, you make me feel warm inside. You make me feel calm, and secure, and like everything is fine. You make me feel like I'm not alone. Like somehow, everything is fine. And I love that. I love _you_." Jared looked at him, mouth agape, unable to form words to express his thoughts. "I don't know if I love you back in the same way, but… I love you. I love you in a way… in a way that I don't understand. I don't… I don't think I can go on without you. I need you in my life."

Jared chuckled, wiping away the tears from his eyes. "So where does that leave us?"

Evan winced. "I don't know…I just know we can't be together." Jared's expression fell. " It's really not because of you, ok? I can't be with anyone right now. I am… too fucked up and I would hurt anybody in a relationship. Jared, I can see it in your face how much I hurt you. I'm broken, and I can't risk doing that to you again. I couldn't bear to do that while we were together. I can't bear to be the one that hurts you."

Jared looked away. "I get it…"

"Jared…" Evan sighed. _How do I tell him what I'm feeling?_ "[I'm a mess.](https://youtu.be/frlHLP_Agqg) Can't you see that? And I'm depressed. I can be a little obsessed with the life I once had." Evan shook his head. "I'm so gone, disappeared can't seem to move on. As I feared I thought I was wrong, but I'm not, things became… bad." Jared looked at him, confused, as if wondering how to fix him. "All I need is one more sec, one more chance, one final check. But there's water on the deck, and this ship is gonna wreck. All I need is one more thought, one more lie that could be bought, but I know I'll just get caught, it's all for naught." Evan looked Jared in the eyes, shaking his head and trying to explain why he felt like he did. "I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not."

"And what is that, exactly?"

Evan shrugged. "Good. Better. Not an anxious wreck. Not somebody who's convinced everyone is toasting my failures. Not somebody who's mentally ill. But that's just who I am."

"Toasting your failures?"

Evan gestured vaguely. "I'm so done, givin' up. You've already won, raise your cup. You think it's begun, but it's not, it's all over now." Jared shook his head in disbelief, unwilling to hear Evan demean himself. "I'm a fake and a liar, made a mistake, stoked the fire—"

"Give me a break!" Jared looked at him, wanting to do anything in his power to stop Evan from feeling this way.

"Well I can't, I got lost somehow. All I need is one more sec, one more chance, one final check. But there's water on the deck, and this ship is gonna wreck. All I need is one more thought, one more lie that could be bought, but I know I'll just get caught, it's all for naught. I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not."

"Evan, why do you beat yourself up like this? You get so trapped inside your mind, amplifying every bad thought you think about yourself… why?"

Evan shrugged. "It's because that's who I am."

"No, you're so courageous, and fantastic and-and-and none of this…"

"But I am though. I tried to end my life, Jared. And there's more reasons why than the ones I've mentioned."

"…I'm so sorry you felt that bad. I'm just so happy you're ok. I just… I know, I know, I shouldn't ask, but… what was going through your head."

Evan smiled enigmatically. "There I go heading towards a tree, I never thought that anybody would find me. There I go, wondering how the world looks from up high, one foot after the other; one branch, then to another. I climb higher and higher, I climb until the entire sun shines on my face!" He remembered that moment. "The view from up there is gorgeous Jared. I wanted to share it with you. But wanting to share that with someone…it makes them feel more alone."

"What do you mean?"

"I was in a forest… and I fell to the ground. And as I landed on the dirt there was nobody around. No, I never made a sound." Jared grabbed Evan's hand and held it tightly. Evan felt the warmth again. "…'Cause I'm a mess. Can't you see that? And I'm depressed, anxiety that leaves me distressed at the way I am."

Jared shook his head, whispering. "You're so much more than that."

"But all I need is one more sec, one more chance, one final check. But there's water on the deck, and this ship is gonna wreck. All I need is one more thought, one more lie that could be bought, but I know I'll just get caught, it's all for naught. I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not." Jared let go of Evan's hand. "I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not." He put his arm around Evan. "I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not."

Seeing Jared cry was a rare sight, and one that made Evan want to cry more. "You're not a mess—"

"But I am!"

"You're so much more than that! You're so fantastic and amazing and-and-and so dedicated, and it just hurts to see that you don't realize that about yourself." Jared removed his arm from Evan and looked at him directly. "I was so fucking terrified when you fell, Evan. I would never have forgiven myself if something worse had happened to you. And when I heard you went to the hospital over the summer…it was awful. I was so worried, and I couldn't find anything out and I was so concerned. I mean… you came to school with a broken arm and I was so relieved it wasn't worse."

Evan closed his eyes and turned his head away. "Jared… I… I didn't fall."

Jared looked at him, a sudden look of fear upon his face. "What?"

"Over the summer. I didn't fall, I…" He took several shaky breaths. "I let go." His voice broke. "I was alone. I was hurting. And I let go."

Jared suddenly pulled Evan into a tight hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm here now, and you're not alone, and I'm sorry." Evan sobbed into Jared's shoulder, and he felt a few of Jared's tears fall on him. "If it makes you feel better, my summer was actually pretty shitty."

Evan laughed through his tears. "Yeah, Ezra told me." They stayed embrace for as long as they could justify it, before Evan eventually pulled back. "What happened to second base with an Israeli girl?"

Jared covered his eyes with his hands and shook his head. "We couldn't do it. We tried making out a little, but… we just couldn't. She said she was pining over someone, and I said the same. And we talked. And we realized we had a lot in common. It was unrequited. We tried to ignore it, tried to force ourselves to like different people… the 'right' people for us to like…we both didn't want to be there. Ezra, Maureen, Ellie… most of the people you met that night are the only reason I stayed. They forced me to."

"Capture the flag?"

Jared gave a perplexed look. "It felt wrong… I don't know how to explain it. It felt like…like I should be doing something else. Like I should've been somewhere else. Like I was needed elsewhere. Ezra and Maureen spent all afternoon trying to get me to come out of bed, but I just kept saying I was sick." He sighed. "On the last day of camp I came out to Ezra. I told him I was gay. He said, 'cool,' hugged me, and we just kept walking. He was trying to gauge how much I wanted to talk about it, I think. Told Maureen the week after via text or something? Naturally she told everyone."

Evan chuckled. "That sounds like something she would do."

Jared smiled and laughed. "I think they knew I wasn't straight. She asked if she could tell them and before I answered Ellie was texting me. And I didn't mind. Not really."

"At least they were supportive," Evan offered.

"They really were."

"…do your parents know?"

Jared shook his head. "Nod and confirm, remember?" Evan frowned at that. "I'll tell them. Eventually." Evan looked around, as if trying to delay something. "Ok, I have to ask you, because you kinda implied that you weren't… but then you didn't really confirm it… so I'm just—ugh, Evan are you straight?"

Evan looked down. "Fuck if I know. Colton, Ezra, and Maureen have been bugging me about that since yester- well, Thursday I guess now." He looked up at Jared. "Everything was thrown into uncertainty in that moment. I'm not saying that's bad, but it's what happened and it's a little frustrating."

"I get it, be frustrated at me!"

"No, Jared, it's just—I've only liked a few people. And I'd never kissed anyone before." Jared winced. "You did realize that you were… you were my first—?"

"Afterwards. I didn't think about it during. It was fucked up and I shouldn't have. I was thoughtless, and reckless."

"I was thoughtless and reckless. I stopped eating, sleeping, I went off my meds… and I couldn't deal with my feelings so I had to deal with others. And my mind locked on the first solution it presented me with. Does that… does that make any sense whatsoever?"

"I don't know. Does kissing your best friend slash crush who you've only just managed convince you don't completely hate make any sense whatsoever?"

Evan gave a grim laugh. "I guess not."

Jared just looked down sadly. "I'm just… I'm sorry that I ruined it. I should've tried… literally anything else. Being sober. Telling you how I feel. _Not_ doing anything. But I ruined my chance and… I'm still afraid I've ruined whatever fucked up remains of a friendship we had. And… I'm just so sorry."

"Jared, you didn't ruin our friendship. I still need you. More than I can make you understand. I think words would fail to describe exactly how you make me feel."

Jared looked away, still bothered. "I just… it sucks knowing this…" he gestured to the both of them, "this will never happen."

"Jared, nothing will ever happen with me, for a long while. I need to… I need to work on not hurting others. I need to work on not hurting myself. I just… a relationship wouldn't be healthy for me right now. But… someday I will be ready for it I think."

Jared smiled a little bit. "I can't promise I won't try something when you are."

"I can't promise I'll say no again." Jared laughed. Evan reached out and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it tight. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"But right now, you need to take your own advice. I've gotten a lot of sleep, and I'll get a lot more before they let me out. But you clearly need it. I can watch you and wait until the others arrive so they can take you home. So you can sleep, and eat, and change your clothes, and take a shower with your stupid 'soap-scented soap,' because apparently scented soap is ridiculous."

Jared laughed. "I don't mind the pine-scent soap actually. Smells like you." He blushed a little bit.

"I'd be lying if I said that wasn't completely adorable. But you still need to sleep. I'm right here. I'll do whatever you want."

Jared pulled out his phone. "Listen to this for me, please." He turned the volume all the way up, pressed play on a song, sat back in his chair, and closed his eyes, hand still intertwined with Evan's.

Evan recognized the song. It was that "Loser" song from the party. He listened to the lyrics this time, and realized what Jared had tried to say. It was weirdly inspiring. There was a line he fell in love with, "Icarus is bullshit, that's why it's called mythology," and he almost laughed, but stifled it to not wake Jared. _If this is what Jared thinks of me… then I'm pretty lucky to have a friend like him._

As the song ended and faded into the next song in the playlist, Jared mumbled, "Hey, Evan?"

"Yeah?" Evan whispered back.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." And Evan was content to sit here and watch the boy fall asleep. He sat there until dawn broke, watching the person he cared about most in this world. And everything was warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, we're almost to the end of the fic! I'm only planning one more chapter, but I could be inspired to write another. All depends on what I want to do next. So Evan's gotta figure some stuff out, so no Kleinsen quite yet. But the fic's not quite over yet. Did you like the link? If you couldn't find it here it is: https://youtu.be/frlHLP_Agqg Let me know in the comments on the fic what you thought of that. 
> 
> As always THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR THE KUDOS AND COMMENTS I LOVE READING THEM EVEN IF I CANT REPLY TO THEM ALL!!!!! Also, please come talk to me on tumblr, i'm @official-didney-worl-elmo and I love talking to people in the deh fandom. Thank you for sticking with me through this ridiculously overly long fic, I love you all and appreciate what you've said about it. (also im planning another much shorter fic soon and i always love taking drabble prompts!) Thank you so much, hope you're ready for fluff and happy endings!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan eats honey lavender ice cream and meets with some friends.

Evan chose a table that was close to the entrance, but still slightly hidden from view. He was waiting for someone, but he really didn't want to make a scene or anything when they got there. He looked down at the small cardboard container filled with ice cream. Honey lavender. Evan honestly had no idea if that flavor would taste good. But he didn't care too much. He had walked up to the counter, made a decision, and stuck with it. And he was only like, 25% convinced he had made the wrong decision and should've stuck with vanilla even if it is boring because at least vanilla is reliable and almost always tastes the same.

 _Breath. Just take a bite._ Evan took a deep breath, grabbed the spoon, and scooped some into his mouth. _Ok, this is the best ice cream I've ever had._ He wanted to scarf it down, but knew that his ice cream would be gone too soon and then he'd get a brain freeze. He slowed down, savoring each bite. He needed to treat himself just a little today. He was going back to a place he'd been too afraid to visit for the longest time. He kept reminding himself to regulate his breathing. He tried doing one of the exercises Dr. Sherman had begun to suggest more recently: whenever he was stressed, think of five positive things that are going on in his life at that very moment.

 _1.. Honey lavender ice cream tastes really good._ He took another bite. And to think, he would've ordered vanilla again because it was safe, had he not felt slightly reckless. _2\. You don't have any casts on your body. Or broken bones of any sort._ He looked down at his arm and his leg. It had been over a year, but it still felt like only yesterday he had gotten the casts off. _3\. You're leaving pottery barn in a few months._ Evan didn't exactly _hate_ his job, but honestly how fun could working at Pottery Barn actually be? Evan just quickly grew bored with it. He took comfort in the fact that he would soon be done. _4\. You're starting college with a few credits already under your belt._ He had already planned it out. He had some credits from community college and a few AP credits from high school. He spread them out across eight semesters, giving him somewhat light course loads each year so that he wouldn't have to take something like 18 credit hours and panic. _5\. You and your three closest friends will be in the same place for the first time in a long time._ And that was his reason for sitting at a slightly hidden table at A La Mode.

He stared out at the window. It wasn't the meeting that was causing him to be anxious. It was where the meeting was taking place. He hadn't been there since…he shook his head. _Calm down. You're fine._ His leg kept bouncing up and down controllably. He needed a distraction. He reached into his bag and pulled out a small notebook and a pencil. He generally preferred typing, but his creative writing professor had suggested carrying around a notebook to make observations, write down ideas and thoughts he had.

Though he was technically entering college undeclared, he was fairly certain he wanted to do something in writing. Probably a minor in English. Maybe a double major? But he wasn't quite sure what kind of writing or whatever he was interested in. Maybe fiction, he had a few story ideas in his mind. Maybe writing about the environment, since he was strongly considering environmental science for his major. He'd met Colton's friend, a fabulous composer who wanted to write music for a stage musical, but had yet to find a librettist so there's that. He had too many ideas. So he had been writing, jotting down story ideas, events that had happened, musings on plants, fantasized descriptions of mundane objects, everything. Anything that might help him figure out what to do with a potential English degree. He realized something, laughed, and began humming.

"What do you do/with a BA in English?/What is my life going to be?" He tapped his pencil on the table, looking out the window. He flipped open his notebook to an empty page, still humming, and began writing.

 

> Honey lavender ice cream. Such a small choice. I could've gone with vanilla. Some would argue I should've gone with vanilla, that any other choice was a sign that something was different, something was off. But today is about throwing caution into the wind. ~~Maybe.~~ And of course, in hindsight, honey lavender is a safe choice. Honey doesn't have much flavor and is more of a sweetener. Lavender has the uncanny property of tasting exactly how it smells, and it smells nice and floral but not very overpowering. So of course it was going to be a nice, mild flavor that would be simple and basic, maybe even more bland than vanilla.
> 
> But vanilla is the epitome of simplicity, of blandness, of being basic, right? So any deviation is more adventurous and less bland and basic, even if that deviation makes itself more bland and basic. And vanilla is a safe choice, because it's everywhere and it always tastes good and the same. But I've literally never heard of honey lavender before this. It clearly exists, and it should be more widespread because this is some of the best ice cream I've had in my entire life. But because of how uncommon it ~~is~~ ^(is/appears to be?) it is not a safe choice. So even though it may be blander, simpler, and more basic than vanilla, honey lavender is infinitely less vanilla than vanilla, simply by the fact that it is different than vanilla and harder to find.
> 
> But I mean, by some of that logic, chocolate as a flavor is more vanilla than honey lavender, which doesn't make any sense. But then again, why is chocolate seen as less bland than vanilla? It's just as common, it's presented as the natural complement ^or alternative to vanilla. So why is vanilla more disliked, more boring, more simplistic? Simply because it is vanilla? Because chocolate is considered a stronger flavor?
> 
> I guess what this boils down to ~~if this boils down to anything at all~~ is sometimes making a simpler decision is the bold choice, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying. Putting something off is usually a much more intense strategy, a harder decision than getting it over with, because it requires  consistent commitment. So why is breaking that commitment even just once so hard? ~~I don't want it to be this hard.~~ No, actually I don't want to do it at all really. I don't want what happened in the past to have happened, I want to take it all back and I've tried to pretend it didn't happen but it did and it led me here. And honestly, in spite of everything, I think here is a good place for me to be.

 

Even though his wandering mind had led him back to the one place he didn't want to go, he was somehow calm with it. He was fine. _Maybe I could expand this thinking later, post it on some cooking blog along with a recipe for honey lavender ice cream. Jared would get a kick out of that_. He looked up, putting his eraser to his chin. He looked out the window for a few seconds and noticed a familiar car pull into the parking lot. He smiled as he saw the girl get out of the car and walk through the door.

"Evan!" He stood up to greet her, and she quickly pulled him into a hug.

"It's good to see you Alana." He stood back a smiled. "Do you want any ice cream? The honey lavender is delicious."

"Ooh, that sounds tempting…maybe just a small cone."

He waited with her as the person behind the counter prepared the small sugar cone. "How've you been?"

"Great! College is so stressful, but it's fun, you know." She grabbed the ice cream from the counter and put some change in the tip jar. "Thank you so much!" She and Evan walked back to the table. "How's your life been recently?"

"Oh, pretty good," he said sitting down. "You know, just taking a few community college classes. Getting some credits. Think I want to do something in environmental sciences. Or maybe writing." He gestured to the open notebook.

"Well, you were always a great writer." She said. "Mind if I take a look?" He handed over the open page, and saw her eyes quickly scan the page. "Boy, you really like this ice cream." They chuckled. He could see her regarding every word. "Very interesting thoughts." As she reached the end, he could see her expression become a little more serious and concerned. She handed the notebook back to him. "It's good stuff, as always." She took a bite out of her cone and let out a small sound of satisfaction. "And you're right about the ice cream."

"Thanks," he said, smiling.

Alana took a few bites of her cone before speaking again. "We don't have to do this if you want. It's not too late to decide on another place."

Evan shrugged. "It's fine. They're already there, right?"

"Yeah, but they can leave and meet us anywhere. Hell, they could just join us here."

"I'll be ok."  
"You sure?"

"Alana, the last time I was there, the last time all four of us were there together, I created an awful memory. I want to change that. I can't avoid it forever."

Alana nodded and took a few more bites, finishing her cone. "You ready?"

He stood up from his seat. "As I'll ever be." He threw away his trash, put his notebook back in his bag, and the two headed out to Alana's car. Evan got in the passenger seat and fastened his seatbelt as Alana turned the radio on to some classical station. They stayed quiet on the short car ride, but the air was full of anticipation. A few short minutes later they had arrived. They left the car and walked into the field. There weren't many other people, but it was a fairly large property, and they hadn't agreed on an exact location beforehand. Evan was muttering some facts about the various plant life that surrounded them, and Alana just nodded along, vaguely listening.

Up in the distance, past a small collection of saplings, sat two familiar figures on a bench, a boy and a girl. The two began walking towards the bench at a slightly quickened pace. The girl on the bench glanced in their direction, stopped said something unintelligible but excited, and jumped up and sprinted over to the two, tackling Alana in a hug and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "ALANA!"

Alana laughed as the girl remained clinging to her. "It's good to see you too, Zoe. You know, Evan is here too. Maybe you should give him some attention." Evan smiled and shook his head.

"Oh, shush, my girlfriend's back in town I get to be excited." But at this, she detached herself from Alana and walked around to give Evan a hug. "I'm happy you're here too. It's been a while, huh?"

Evan just shrugged. "I've been busy."

"I still got the friends and family discount at pottery barn, right?"

He grinned. "For a few months or so. The window of opportunity is closing fast!"

Zoe sighed melodramatically. "Now how will I save on overpriced home décor?" she waxed poetically, as if in some sort of Shakespeare play.

"Evan." The other three turned their heads to look at Jared. He hadn't noticed him walking towards them as Zoe greeted them. Evan smiled. He strode past Zoe, walked right up to Jared and wrapped his best friend in the tightest hug he could.

"It's good to see you." Jared was slightly stunned by the hug, but wrapped his arms around Evan.

"You too, dude."

"That's so cute and very gay," Zoe interjected. Alana elbowed her, but Jared and Evan just pulled back and laughed.

"Yeah, a little," Jared replied. "Not nearly as gay as you two, though." Zoe burst into laughter and Alana just blushed profusely and looked away.

Evan cleared his throat. "So, how's everyone been? Zoe, you're graduating soon, right?"

Zoe nodded. "In two weeks."

"Wow," Jared said. "How's being a senior?"

"Busy."

Evan chuckled. "I remember that."

Alana shook her head, smiling. "You don't get to talk, Evan. I was taking all AP classes and had to figure out banquets for most of my extracurriculars."

"And you still got valedictorian and near perfect scores on your finals." Jared butted in. "And didn't you volunteer to plan banquets for those extracurriculars?"

Alana looked somewhat annoyed and embarrassed, but Zoe just laughed and held her hand. Zoe sighed, sizing each of the other's up. "How's first year out of high school? And how's college?"

"Well, I pretty much told you everything two seconds ago," Jared said, "but I'll recap for Alana and Evan. Majoring in coding. Realizing more and more each day how much ass high school sucked. Getting pretty good grades.

Evan rolled his eyes. "You forgot 'keeps trying to set a kickstarter up for Evan's college fund,'" he chided.

"I'm just saying, you could literally have your entire schooling paid for. Sue me for trying to help. And then you can win the court case and still have your entire schooling paid for."

Alana gave a sideways glance to Jared. "Jared that's not how the legal system works at all. I should know."

"Oh, you're going into law, Alana?" Evan asked.

She shrugged in response. "I haven't declared yet, but I enjoyed my intro to law class. And intro to psychology. All of my classes, really. When I do figure everything out I think I'm probably going to double major and minor. Maybe. I have a few ideas."

Evan nodded. "And you all know my boring story. Community college courses, Pottery Barn, environmental science and writing. Blah blah." He looked around. "Should we maybe congregate more in the shade?" The others quickly agreed. Zoe ran back to the bench to grab her bag, and the four picked a spot under a large tree, sitting down in the cool shade.

"What else?" Zoe asked. "Have any of you made friends at college?"

"I had two—maybe three whole new friends by the end of the year. Let's estimate it at two point seven friends." Jared replied.

"Mostly acquaintances," Alana explained, "but everyone's been really nice to me surprisingly. I could have some pretty good friendships before too long."

"Just remember to actually put in effort to the friendships, babe."

Evan gave a sort of confused smile. "I, um, I kinda have made a few friends? Like, maybe five friends?"

"Evan Hansen making more friends than me? How the fuck did that happen?" Jared asked, incredulous.

"How else do introverts make friends? And extrovert adopted me."

"Colton?" Zoe asked. Evan pointed at her then tapped his nose.

"That son of a bitch…" Jared muttered.

Alana looked around at the group, confused. "I'm sorry, who's Colton again?"

"Do you remember my camp friend Maureen knows like literally everybody? Colton was a childhood friend of hers," Jared explained

"I met him at the party last year. He decided to go to school here, and kinda insisted on being my friend," Evan continued.

"And from what Evan's told me," Zoe added, "he's been taking Evan to all these keggers."

"It was one kegger and I didn't even have a drop of alcohol!" Evan protested. He turned back to Alana. "But he's a really cool person, and a pretty great friend. Actually, we're talking about rooming together next year."

"Which annoys me because he keeps trying to steal my man." _Jared's man? What?_ Evan blushed and ran his hands down his face as Alana and Zoe laughed. "Seriously, Evan, he has the hots for you."

Evan shook his head. "No way. He's totally in love with Coda. Has been since they first met." He frowned. "Well, in _love_ might not be the right term. More like in _lust_. Except Coda is super oblivious."

Zoe tilted her head. "Wait, how do you know all of this?"

Evan gave a slightly grim smile. "Ezra warned me that Colton gets handsy when he's really drunk. I didn't listen. I got caught at a party with the two of them. It was uncomfortable."

Alana just chuckled. "I get the feeling I need to meet this boy. And his friend. And the friends he helped you make." Alana leaned in. "Any we should know about right now?"

Evan shrugged. He felt his phone vibrate, and laughed when he realized who the text was from. "Actually, yeah. Jenna. She and Colton are in choir together. She's the biggest gossip I've ever met, the second after something happens she'll text you asking if it's true. She's really nice, but being friends with her is exhausting. And when she and Colton are on a roll… oh boy."

Jared held up a hand. "Wait, is she the one that just texted you? What did she say?" Evan grinned and showed the phone message.

 

> **Jenna**
> 
> I just heard something!!!
> 
> You have to tell me if it's true!!!!!!!
> 
> OMG bro
> 
> Answer me
> 
> Yo
> 
> Is it true that the Founding Four of the Connor Project are having a reunion?
> 
> I heard that you guys were planning some big project
> 
> Call back when u get this Ev <3

 

Zoe squinted, looking at the phone in awe. "How the hell did she know about this? I wasn't even positive this was happening when I told my parents to go home without me." The others burst into laughter.

"Jenna knows what everybody's doing." Evan replied.

Alana smiled, but something in her face changed. "Should we do something for the Connor Project?" The four thought about it for a second.

"I think people would be expecting something big, something Connor related," Zoe started. "But I think that this has been enough for Connor. The orchard. I mean, it's helped my parents a lot. We have a picnic here almost every weekend."

Jared nodded. "I think the community outreach that you've been doing with the school is some good stuff, Zoe. I really do agree that focus should be shifted away from Connor. That being said, we could always publish something Connor related on the website."

"Actually," Evan spoke up, "I found something recently that we might want to consider sharing. It was this yearbook thing."

Jared looked over at him. "You don't mean—"

"No, no, no, it was from like eighth grade I think? He listed his ten favorite books. We could share that maybe. Or do something or other with those books. I don't know."

"That's not a bad idea, Evan. I think I know what you're talking about," Alana said. She smiled. "Maybe it would be nice to have something from the 'Founding Four' on the page again."

Evan nodded. He looked around, looking at the orchard. It was beautiful. As beautiful as he remembered… and suddenly he was shaking his leg. And he was thinking too much. And he needed to say it now. "Guys? I have to…"

Zoe shook her head. "No. You don't."

"You've done enough." Alana chimed in.

"Evan…" Jared looked at Evan, concerned. All of them knew what he was about to say. And all of them felt awful just thinking about what had happened the last time they had visited the orchard together.

"No, I-I do. I… the last time we were here I made a horrible choice. I was in an awful mental state, and-and I was just overwhelmed. I mean, that's not a worthy explanation. I know there is none…but I just, I dunno… I feel like I tarnished the memory of this place. I just… I'm sorry."

Zoe shook her head. "Lots of things have happened in the past year or so. Lots of picnics. Good times, bad…all I know is that the way you feel about this place can change quicker than you can imagine."

"I was back here so often, trying to plan the opening ceremony and everything. One unfortunate event isn't going to ruin all the amazing work we've done."

Jared stayed quiet. The others looked at him in anticipation. "I don't know. It depends on how you feel being here." He looked Evan in the eyes. "Are you doing better? Because you made an implicit promise that you would try to get better after that. So…are you doing better?"

Evan smiled, relieved. "More or less. I don't know if I'll ever be truly better, but I'm not as bad as I once was. The letters have kinda helped."

"Letters?" Alana asked, brain full of a thousand thoughts.

Evan chuckled. "You know the ones." He smiled and looked down, embarrassed by what he was about to suggest. "Let's all write one. Right now. But, um, I'll start." He cleared his throat. " _Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day and here's why: because, today, no matter what else, um, today at least you're you… so no hiding. No lying. Just you… and your friends… and that's enough._ " He paused to look around at the others, then turned his head down. " _Maybe someday everything that happened, everything that went wrong, uh, maybe it'll all feel like a distant memory. Maybe… Maybe someday some other kid will be standing here, staring up at the trees feeling…so alone, wondering if maybe the world might look different from all the way up there. Better. And-and maybe he'll start climbing one branch at a time, and-and he'll keep going! Even when it seems like he can't find another foothold. Even when it feels…hopeless, like everything is telling him…let go. This time…maybe this time he won't let go. He'll just…hold on. He'll hold on, and he'll keep going. Keep going 'til he sees the sun. And maybe that kid will make friends. Maybe that kid will find love. Maybe that kid will find peace. Like I did. Because…because he didn't let go._ " He looked at the others. Alana's eyes were watering. Zoe was smiling at him. Jared's expression remained concerned. _Did I say something wrong? Why is Jared looking at me like that?_

"Um," Evan looked to his right. "Alana, you wanna go? I mean, you don't have to say it out loud, um, if you don't want. But it… it helps."

Alana nodded. She closed her eyes and remained silent. The other three noticed her lips flutter quickly, mouthing something they couldn't make out. After a few minutes she opened her eyes, smiled, and gave Zoe a hug. "Your turn."

Zoe took a second to think, then began reciting. " _Dear Zoe Murphy, Today is going to be a good day and here's why: you're graduating in two weeks, meaning you can leave most of the awful stuff from high school in the past but still hang on to the good stuff. Your girlfriend is back in town and you love her more than anything in the world. Today, you're hanging out with her, your best friend, and your really close friend. You're with your family today. Your heart family. Your real family is still messed up. Even though it's been almost two years it still hurts. But you're healing. And forgiving. And maybe even understanding. But today you're here. And maybe today… maybe he's here too. Watching you. Looking at everything you've done. Probably…probably rolling his eyes at the cornier aspects. But even if he is he's still here. And maybe he sees just how much he means to others, how much he's done for others. Maybe it's not the same as him being here…but for once it's enough._ " Alana hugged Zoe tighter. Evan smiled at her, and Jared gently put a hand on her shoulder, an uncharacteristic move on his part.

All heads turned towards Jared. He waited a few seconds before announcing, "I'm not saying it out loud." The others respectfully waited while he looked off into space. Evan wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him, but he thought Jared stole a few glances at him. A few minutes later he announced, "I'm done."

Zoe looked around at the group, expectantly. "So what do we want to do?"

Jared snorted. "We all know you and your girlfriend want to go be disgustingly romantic around the orchard." Alana began blushing and denying this. "Oh, go on, we don't mind, we're not gonna stop you."

Zoe looked at Jared, unsure. She turned back to Evan. "You ok with this?"

Evan nodded cheerfully. "You two go have fun. We'll catch up with you later." Alana and Zoe stood up, both taking time to hug Jared and Evan before walking towards some other part of the orchard, arm in arm, leaving the two boys alone.

Evan looked at the two fading in the distance. "They're cute together."

"You were right."

Evan turned around to look at Jared. "Right about what?"

"Alana's been back here for the Connor Project, setting things up. Zoe's probably been back here every weekend her parents could possible excuse coming here."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember that night in the hospital? You told me that you wanted to share the view with me, that the view was gorgeous. After I woke up, I was… I was still confused, and distraught. So I drove back to the orchard. And I climbed the fucking tree. And you were right, the view was gorgeous."

Evan was taken aback. "Why did you do that, Jared? You could've hurt yourself, and-and-and if nobody was there then, well, just, why did you do that?"

"I had to know." Jared's simple reply just confused Evan.

Evan shook his head. "I didn't know you'd remember that."

"I remember everything about that night." Jared leaned back and lay on the grass. "Three seventeen. You telling me to come over to your side. Telling me you let go. Holding my hand and refusing to let go. I remember it all. Couldn't forget it if I tried." Jared shook his head. "You said you couldn't be in a relationship. How do you feel about that now?"

Evan blushed a little bit."Colton's been… trying way too hard to get me to, like, come out of my shell or whatever. Went on a few pseudo-dates with some of Colton's friends. He and Jenna forced me to play like, that spin the bottle game or whatever? I was completely uncomfortable."

"You know what I mean."

"Right. Well. Um. I think…" _Why is this so hard to say?_ "I think I could be ready to start dating. Maybe."

"Where does that leave us?"

Evan smiled. He moved over and lay down right next to Jared. "I still need you in my life. In a way that I will never understand or be able to explain." He inched so their shoulders were touching. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Jared sighed, content. "But I live out of state. And you just said you'd be going in state. Rooming with Colton. Who will totally try to get with you if I'm not there."

"He likes Coda. Not me. And we're not dating."

"Oh."

Evan chuckled. "Yet."

" _Oh_." The two waited, unspeaking for a little bit. "I'm gonna win you over, Hansen."

"I'm certain of it."

"Are you free anytime soon?"

Evan laughed. "All summer."

"Wanna hang out sometime? Maybe see a movie?"

"You're gonna have to do better than that."

"We could hang out and listen to music. Or go on a nature walk. There's a state park I know of nearby. Got a lot of great trees. Of course, you gotta be careful climbing them. You could fall."

Evan chuckled. "I'd like that. The trees. Not the falling." He looked over at Jared. "Funny to think that all of this started because of a letter."

"Yeah."

"I'm glad we got here somehow."

"Me too."

"To think this all started with a stupid letter to myself." He laughed at himself and turned his head back to the sky. "And I didn't even do it right. God I'm such a joke."

"You're not a joke. You're fantastic."

"Yeah, well…maybe I was just doing them wrong. Since I started doing them right it's been working." He paused. "Did you make yours good?"

" _Dear Jared Kleinman, Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: You're finally getting to see Evan Hansen, who you seem to love more and more each day, despite the crazy distance and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. The last time you were at the orchard things didn't go so well, but this time, well this time… this time everything's going to be ok. With a little luck, he'll tell you that things have changed from last time. So you can finally ask him out, and with a little luck he'll say yes._ " Jared closed what little gap remained between them and grabbed Evan's hand. And Evan felt warm inside again. " _And you don't want to screw things up like last time, so you won't kiss him despite how fucking adorable he looks, but maybe he'll be ok with you holding his hand. And maybe, maybe this time he'll be happy. Maybe this time, you can help him be happy. Because that's the most important thing to you. That Evan is happy. Because he's the person you care about more than anything in this world. And he won't have a worthy explanation, and neither will you, because you won't need it, it will just be. You'll just be, together, and you'll both understand that...that's enough."_

Evan's eyes watered a little bit. He could've blamed it on looking up at the bright sky. But he didn't need to. "You're the person I care about more than anything in this world, too."

"I love you, Evan."

"I love you, Jared."

And the two stayed there, lying in the grass like they could stay there for all time, both taking in the warmth of each other, looking up at the sky that seemed to go on for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this feels surreal, finally ending the fic. I'm still gonna keep writing for deh i think (i've already started another fic if u wanna check it out), and I have a few ideas for one-shots that could take place in the AWE universe, some scenes I'd like to expand upon, gaps I'd like to fill, characters I'd like to flesh out. Let me know what you think, or give me suggestions for things to write (or message me them on tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo)
> 
> Fun facts:  
> -Evan sings "What do you do with a BA in English?" from Avenue Q at A La Mode  
> -I should really compile a list of all the songs referenced  
> -Yes, Jenna is that Jenna  
> -As of posting this chapter, AWE is the longest fic in the deh tag, beating out The Desperate Type by some 2000 odd words (by the way, if you haven't read that one yet what are you doing with your life? go read it right now, it's one of the best fics i've ever read and so well written, it's just a masterpiece)  
> -I've been working on getting the ending right pretty much since I started getting serious about this fic, a few chapters in. This was what I came up with.  
> -If I were to write more fics set in this universe, I would probably introduce more characters (ocs, cameos from other musicals, characters like maureen loosely based off of musicals, etc.)  
> -There's probably more. You could as me in the comments (or on tumblr, again, official-didney-worl-elmo)
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me through this. Honestly it's been so fun trying to get back into the hang of fanfic, and I think I've gotten a little bit better in writing this fic (not super great but eh. I'll get there). I've been reading all of the comments, and appreciating all of the kudos, really you've been so fantastic in your response to this fic, I can't thank you enough. I really hope you liked reading "A Worthy Explanation," and I really hope you're satisfied with the ending. Thank you so much.


End file.
